Temple of Ranma's Sailor Senshi Seifuku

Howdy!

Here is the latest beta of Out of Time, chapter 4.

Thanks in advance.

>>> Link removed for editing. <<<

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I would like to thank everyone who took the time to read and leave their comments on this.

I'll be reviewing those comments and using them to tweak/work on this chapter. Hopefully it won't take seventeen months like the last time.

Thanks again,

- Trimatter

Nice... currently around 3/4 the way through the chapter. A couple thoughts.

1. Dealing with the groper might not be such an issue. Ranma wants revenge. I would have had the doc suggest simply riding the same bus on the same route at the same time for the ext concurrent day, likely, he would have been on on it, if attacked again, whammo.

2. I thought I remember the principal being an older guy that liked watering a flowerbed. I'll have to rewatch that, but you might want to check that yourself. Or was the principal a female in the novels, ucertain which you are using as a base for the story.

EDIT1:

3.

She was will be in your class

The 'was' should be removed.

EDIT2:

Is she the gender-issue student

First, when was she actually called, and second, why would she know his as this, unless Ranma was described to her already.

EDIT3:

4. It actually would make more sense to me to go to class as a different gender every other day, alternate. That way, no need to change uniforms inside school daily except gym.

A note though, I dislike the girl uniform issue, and always have in non-locked ranma stories, so it is not your fault. Not only would it need be loose enough for the guy form should it happen or risk it being ripped apart, but a girl in a guys unifrom is unusual, but acceptable, a guy in a girls unifrom would get the scorn of nearly everyone.

Of course, the velcro solves part of the issue, but not the main concept.

Finished reading the chapter. What can I say? Excellent of course. I hope that Ranma will get the groper. Here are some mistakes I found.

Soatomes household => Saotome household

Soatome house => Saotome house

goes with us => go

I've lived here almost => I've been living here for

wrapped a breakable in paper => breakable item (breakable doesn't exist as a noun)

securely in the => into

I've live my whole => lived

so old fashion about => old fashioned

made it all worth while => worthwile

the Soatomes piled => Saotomes

the Soatomes swiftly => Saotomes

while you mother keeps => your

want to aviod paying => avoid

changes in her father => his

understand, " he => understand,"

as he head toward => headed

Genma had return => returned

motioning to two large => pointing at two

said in a caviler way => are you sure that's the correct word? here's the definition of 'caviler' :

to raise trivial and frivolous objection

We'll met you upstairs => meet

Ranma quickly cross the small => crossed

area, he set => area before setting

and looked around => looking

decent size balcony => decent sized

quarters were down => two spaces

good size bathing room => good sized

one and a half people => this sounds really strange

had grown use to => used

fairly decent size house => decent sized

the decent view => two spaces

it's tail sticking => its

"Good," Nodoka announce => announced

how are you doing." => doing?"

at his cat, who was sunning => which

Genma continue to root => continued

he could do it, one of => it; one

size and shape of a every other => same size and shape as every

that Ranma had seen these in more than => seen on these on more

was the armrest and the buttons on it that was unexpected => the armrest and the buttons on it, however, were unexpected.

returned the lid to it's upright => its

Nothing still happened => And still, nothing had happened

what's the worse that => worst

reined in her amusement of her => amusement at her

I figured that it would on the armrest => would be on

she add, noting => added

a much claimer Ranma replied => do you mean 'calmer'?

clothing, and => two spaces

came up to him a gave him => and gave

replied with a meow and rubbing => started rubbing

life, " => life,"

began to sort through => sorting

Laying there, he => Lying

the pervious day moving => previous

A moment hadn't passed when => Not even a moment had passed until

cool morning air was ladened with => laden

A few school-age kids hung threaded => ?

I'm going to be starting => two spaces

Plenty of open room to workout in => work out

gotta get a birds eye view => bird's

I wonder what park this is?" => is."

I going to have to find => I'm going

Ranma found himself soon emerged from => emerging

he was on bleed into => bled

He attention was drawn => His

was near enough => two spaces

made her selection and bend over => bent

she said in a lower her head and her voice => ?

Ranma couldn't help but fell more => feel

sandwiched between a electronics store and a newstand. => ... an electronics... newsstand

that is what a Arm Slave looks like => an

he reached for the marital arts magazine => martial

Ranma had a had time => hard

Stepping out of the ladies room => ladies' room

playing the some rock tune => playing some rock

frozen pork buns for tonight." => tonight?"

the direction that she had just came from => come

it was the early afternoon => was early

Ranma waaited patiently => waited

she manage find and study an oversize map of the area with the but routes => ... managed... oversized... bus routes

observing the crowd => two spaces

she was able to as least look => at least

lechers or in anyway perverted => any way

facing away form her => from

Maybe the jerk have moved away => has

to mentally measured how long => measure

than what they were appear to => appearing

that's to... demeaning => too

to immediately raise to this => rise

Ranma almost curse openly as the hand immediately slide under => cursed... slid

Should I got talk with => go

and checking of Ranma => on

and I going to break => I'm

the modest size furo => sized

emergence of his male => two spaces

to better fit into the furo better => second 'better' has to go

in his minds eye => mind's

He then continued aloud, "I => aloud," I

knelt beside him and spoke lowely => lowly

he had became more quiet, => become... quieter

as he shook the box in hand to => in his hand

what he needs when it come to talking => comes

the Soatomes resumed eating => Saotomes

where they onced lived => once

He has been responding well to therapy => the therapy

the docotr cautioned => doctor

will end up huriting your mother more in the fututre => hurting... future

How are you liking it => do you like

A far away look passed => faraway

replacing his tone with that of cavalierness => chivalrousness

and I can that you => can tell that

stood behind the chair was was sitting at => the chair the doctor was sitting in (?)

please sit down and talk about this => and let's talk

"I'm just over reacting," Ranma said => overreacting

His pacing speed up and => sped

"I'll blow over." => It will

sloshing it's contents => its

the doctor responded cooly => coolly

like you do when your male. => you're

Ranma said tiredly => two spaces

Mousse can fly, Toro can use all => Taro

when you had Akane as your fiancee => fiancée

of your Jusenkyo condition => two spaces

I can look at someone as think they => and think

wouldn't dwell on it very much, you => too much; you

like the case with your ex-fiancee => fiancée

Ranma manage to find and hit => managed

I got too use to sleeping in => used

when it came to between food => came to choose

the three Saotmoes ate => Saotomes

Pretending that a something doesn't exists => exist

Don't worry about those you can't => those who can't

Ranma lugged his parents futons => parents'

income from the Soatomes pension => Saotome's

filled two thermos'=> thermoses

a bit more plainer so => a bit plainer

he carried the thermos' back => thermoses

Ranma set the thermos' aside => thermoses

and selected a outfit for => an

so lookiing the part => looking

was the conclusion he brought from => conclusion he came to

unexpected side affect of => effect

The unexpected side affect of wearing proper attire however, was for Ranma, no matter what form he found himself in, had actually grown used to wearing clothes that were comfortable and fit well => you need to work on this sentence

for the two small thermos'=> thermoses

The sound of the his mother => of his

drew Ranma attention from => Ranma's

would you mind going on a head => ahead

they were doing so good to => too

I wonder what's up?" => up."

nothing that Ranma could call special => would

he manage to spy into a few => managed

all he saw was indistinct => were

no magazines to past the time => pass

As if on queue => cue

queue, a woman => two spaces

"Pleased to met you, Mrs. Saotome => meet

"Pleased to met you," the principal => meet

in front of the princpal's desk => principal's

He then removed two thermos' => thermoses

Ranma looked around the room => two spaces

and passed over the desk into Ranma's => passed it

to the seated woman across => two spaces

and pour some of the water => poured

She pause once again for a moment => paused

As a boy are a girl => or as a

She also had and air of => an air

Mrs. Kagurazaka, welcome," principal greeted => the principal

She was will be in your class => She will

She was proud that she able to use => she was able

I do understand you reluctance => your

treat you differently that everyone else => than

Ranma's lips pursed in though => thought

It was down right creepy => downright

the fact that he would had to => have to

behave and be, er - opened minded => open-minded

I understand that you like to be => you'd

You show the class your condition and then while you are will be excused to change into a proper uniform => you need to rework the sentence

don't be in a hurry,"Mrs. Kagurazaka => hutry," Mrs.

with up front then be bugged => than

I you or your parents => If you

Half and hour later => an

were walking passed the school gates => past

It was well passed noon => past

Genma commented form Nodoka's side => from

district to get the uniforms; they were => uniforms,

without too much problems => many

everything worked out => worked out just fine

Ranma spin on his heal => span

making the small gym bad hover => bag

Ranma replied with a slight => two spaces

we'll met you there => meet

Good idea, Pops, I'll met you there => meet

across Genma's face for an moment => a

Ranma was zig-zagging along => zigzagging

as he began to wrap and bad the Ranma's new => and bag Ranma's

Nodoka verbally wandered => two spaces

The first thing that she notice was => noticed

Cloths were never my thing => Clothes

velcro and tie trick for my cloths => clothes

and cloths are expensive => clothes

change back with tearing => without

will help when I'm a guy, to => too

gave him plenty of room to work and work

Satisfied that he was sufficient warmed up => sufficiently

leaped into a quick secessions of exercises => succession

Laying back onto the grass => Lying

catalogued what he was capable => two spaces

he half-conculded => concluded

Laying back down, Ranma => Lying

he grasped at with a snap of the fingers => a word is missing

Nodoka half-screamed, interuppting => interrupting

and it... er, sorta backfire... a little => backfired

as if were trying to solve => if he

Intrigue by his father sitting in the middle => Intrigued... sitting outside

Ranma was relieve of that decision => two spaces... relieved

after a good nights sleep => night's

hmm good chapter, though felt a bit was left un explained like what happened with the Saotome/Tendo agreement, I guess thats in your rewriten Chapter 3

What I found is probably duplicating Dumbledork's work, but I truly hope some of the following is helpful.

Wes

Copyedit narc:

After the meal and a few short goodbyes, the Soatomes piled into the cab

Saotomes

"Sure, no sweat," Ranma said in a caviler way as he selected the heaviest of the two

cavalier

He was thankful that he saw no other boxes that contradicted him.

Does 'other' need to be here as there were no 'other' boxes actually metioned, so...it does not follow?

Ranma heard a faint whirring sound as a rod protruded into the bowel of the toilet.

bowl

Having spent a good deal of the pervious day moving and unpacking,

previous

The street that he was on bleed into a wider avenue that was filled with pedestrians and traffic.

bled

Ranma smiled to himself as he reached for the marital arts magazine,

martial

"At first I thought it was because he was scamming and bidding his time to try another 'join the schools' crap - you know he is...,"

I know that this is quoted dialog but it is 'spoken' and should be spelled correctly-biding and using 'more' instead of 'another' is just my preference and can be ignored.

"If you don't you will end up huriting your mother more in the fututre."

hurting

"It would be great if there were into martial arts, but that's not a deal breaker either...

they

"I'd rather get all that stuff over with up front then be bugged all year long."

Did you mean'than'?

It was well passed noon and school was dismissed for the day.

past time passed, it was past time don't know what the rule is, but 'think' I know the usage-by assumption.

"Cloths were never my thing," Ranma pointed out.
"You came up with the velcro and tie trick for my cloths?"
"You have to do something when you can change into a giant panda... and cloths are expensive."
clothes

I was trying that thing with my ki again and it... er, sorta backfire... a little."

backfired

Dumbledork wrote

Ranma spin on his heal => span

Ranma spun on his heel
Sorry Dumbledork, but span is a measure or a bridging. Please don't hit me. You do great work.



Have uh grate haulidae

over all it looks good, I found some typos but they were all pointed out by others.

The only thing that stood out was Ranma calling Genma Dad instead of Pops. it feels out of character to me.

Forgive me if this is overly negative, but a couple things really bother me about this chapter, and to a lesser degree the story as a whole. Of the two, by far the most troublesome is the groper scene, because it's not credible. The situation felt like a contrived way to get Ranma offended by sexual misconduct in girl-form, but at the same time, it didn't even make sense because the limitations imposed on Ranma to prevent him from responding were not believable limitations.

If the crowd press really was that tight, it would have been simple to wedge one of the bags between him and another person and grab the gropers hands. Or just drop the bag.. if he was really as offended as he was portrayed, holding onto the bag made no sense whatsoever. Never mind that even in a press like that it'd be entirely credible for someone with Ranma's flexibility and strength to find another solution. Him not finding any solution over an extended period of time and just standing there with someones hand in his crotch makes no sense.. the most credible explanation I can piece together for this course of action is that Nodoka and his psychologist are successfully pussifying him to the point where he feels subconsciously compelled to conform to the worst female stereotypes, and I'm pretty sure that's not what you're going for.

Which brings up my other complaint, which is that the overarching way that Ranma's sexual identity is being directed by characters in this story doesn't feel right to me. It feels like his psychologist has made a concerted effort to drive him away from self-identifying as a male. It looks an awful lot like Ranma used to have a strong male identity, and the psychologist and Nodoka took advantage of a period of extreme stress (between the locked curse, losing much of what he knew, and trying to adapt to a changed environment) to foist off onto him some sort of hybrid non-gendered identity. And are continuing to do so with stunts like convincing him to go to school in both forms, which strikes me as a move calculated to force Ranma to either identify as both genders or neither, and explicitly drive him away from the option of identifying as male with a 'female condition'.

Unless the shrink is a sadistic prick, or apathetic and interested in prodding a particularly unique test subject, this angle doesn't make sense. It's guaranteed to put Ranma further and further out of sync with the rest of humanity, most (if not all) of which identifies strongly along gender lines. I cannot imagine how this could possibly be good for his mental health.. though I suppose it could keep the paychecks rolling in for the shrink.

Further, the assumption that Ranma must be more emotionally capable in female form is just plain tiresome and cliched. Even though there are a number of credible reasons why it could be particularly believable in Ranma's case, given how he was raised in male form, it just sorta rubs me the wrong way. I mean.. are we going to see Ranma become increasingly dishonest about relationships in female form? Will she start choking under pressure? I'm assuming not, since when Ranma becomes feminized he usually only gains the positive traits typically associated with women, and this makes me cringe.

Again, sorry for such extreme negativity about a story which is otherwise quite well written and certainly not deserving of vitriolic screeds.. these issues just really came to the forefront in this chapter.

Pretty good so far, but two things are very hard to believe.

First of all: apartment. "Washer and dryer combo" ? "Decent size balcony" ? "Swimming pool and tennis courts" ? Apartment is WAY too big and luxurious as portrayed. Kuno will be able to afford something like this, but poor family like Saotomes ? Never. Is it really too hard to enter something like "what a typical apartment look like" and find site or two ?

Second: scene with groper. I don't know how much experience you have with overcrowded buses, but your Ranma acted like someone who never encountered it. He never used the fact that the bus is crowded for his advantage! When the bus is truly crowded you can just raise bag for a few inches, press forward slightly and "drop" it. It'll start to slowly slide down but you'll have 10-15 seconds - enough to pull cellphone or do something like this: I did this many times myself and I'm not even a martial artist! For Ranma it should be more then enough to catch groper's hand and break few fingers. If bus is not crowded enough to do that then you can just put bags between your legs (to protect them) and free BOTH arms! The whole scene looks bizzare because it's hard to believe that anyone will tolerate it - let alone someone like Ranma.

Second: scene with groper. I don't know how much experience you have with overcrowded buses, but your Ranma acted like someone who never encountered it.

I believe that the fact is that Ranma has never encountered it. For Ranma this is a new world indeed. Remember his primary mode of transportation is on foot, not crowded bus.

I agree with others. Groper scene looks extremely artificially.

I have to admit that I've been bothered by the groper scene myself. Maybe it would have been better to shorten the scene somewhat and have the groper touch some very intimate parts right from the start, with Ranma being able to punish him (or her?) immediately afterwards. She would still have felt 'dirty' and had the urge to clean herself.

nodregah wrote:I believe that the fact is that Ranma has never encountered it. For Ranma this is a new world indeed. Remember his primary mode of transportation is on foot, not crowded bus.

May be, but buses and tains are the means of transportation in Japan. Were since middle of 20th century (first buses were introduced in 1930 and by 1950 you can more or less reach any point in Japan by using just buses and trains). And if Ranma avoids them like a plague for 16 years (while traveling all around japan meanwhile!) then where the hell idea to take the bus to shorten the route come from ??? 16 years old habit is quite hard to break...

I agree with nodregah in defense of the author. I think that the subject of crowded train cars had already been brought up, highlighting Ranma's non familiarity with the teeming masses that frequent the public transportation system in Tokyo. He probably rode on the roof or undercarriage.
Ranma ought to learn to shoot ki from any part of his or her body. The right ki entering a groper's hand should carbonize some skin, at least. How about branding the back of the groper's hand with the kanji for chikan?
Wes

borgrabbit wrote:I agree with nodregah in defense of the author. I think that the subject of crowded train cars had already been brought up, highlighting Ranma's non familiarity with the teeming masses that frequent the public transportation system in Tokyo. He probably rode on the roof or undercarriage.

Probably, but to not even have any idea about how to fight in these conditions looks like major oversight for martial artist of Ranma's caliber. You can say anything you want about Genma but he knows how to train someone.

Plus it's just looks totally ridiculous for someone who can easily invent new techniques on the spot (Ranma did so countless times) to spent sizable time trying to overcome minor obstacle and failing! Gosh. Sure his non familiarity can give groper few seconds to reach some intimate places and make Ranma feel violated (if Genma never taught Ranma how to fight in crowds - which looks quite unbelievable with his doctrine "be ready for an attack at any time"), but to spend minute or so (time between bus stops) and not invent the way to free hands for a few seconds... that's just not Ranma.

Bad enough to see Ranma's character ruined by Viz (Takahashi's Ranma is not macho caricature - he's just using male Japanese in all situations), but to see it robbed of his quick mind too - it's just too unbelievable...

I think that scene is still could be salvaged, even if it needs surgery.
Cut, cut and patch.
Make the groping *much* shorter, for example.
And make Ranma's reaction more believable. For example, she lets go of the bag but the hand is gone and she cannot find the assailant, so takes the bag again, occupying her hands. Or something like this - you're the author, you decide.