for the thousands
cut the. Possibly revise thousands into something more sensationalist/emotional.
that have had a loved one fall victim, this scene has had no such consequence
cut
While past scenes
While past monster attacks
friendships short
lives short
the only damage the scene we are looking at today resulted in was property damage.”
miraculously today, the only damage was to property.
“You were one of those targeted
Frame this setup for an interview better with the reporters dialogue. Mention the survivor and cut to them. Show the scene cutting to others that were actually dead from the attacks. Make this stronger, more emotional, more victorious but with that hint of sadness. It could be something really special and you just didn't get it big enough yet. Needs more kick. If the reporter was being anti-Senshi in nature perhaps mention some nefarious connection between the Senshi and the deaths. Mention the crack pot theories. Since you're seemingly going for a more realistic and less utopian and simplistic world think about the mass deaths and how the media would portray this in real life. Perhaps mention deployment of SDF forces and their own successes and failures against the Youma. Mention the US offering assistance to Japan? Mention the rumors of similar activity in the United Kingdom from the Sailor V Manga, etc. So very much more this report could tell us about the situation. It needs more.
Minako was disgusted, and changed to a different news station,
Again needs more depth. Politicians response, tourism advisories and loss of economy from it, maybe mention a quarantining of Japan from unaffected countries? Mass exodus from Japan to safer areas? People deserting Tokyo? People sending their children out of Tokyo so they are out of the line of fire? Aid and non-profit organization response? Just so much more you could do here. Needs a lot of work on these news scenes. It really could and likely should tell us the entire outside worlds viewpoint and understanding of the attacks right here. Perfect logical time for it.
but please don't break my remote,
Since this kind of thing has happened a lot perhaps mention that the wall is a bit scarred and Rei mention not breaking the remote again, or the remote is actually broken and Rei has a stockpiles of ready replacements...Possibly just a little humor add.
Ami held a hand up to cut
Work on blocking in this scene. A lot. Show subtle indications of how friendly they all are with each other. Without a character like Usagi they should be a lot less unified and friendly. Sisters in arms kind of relationship. Yes. Perhaps you could even say that makes for a far deeper bond between them. But they are all rather different personality wise and there was no glue holding them together and little subtle interactions throughout this scene would add a lot to it.
Ranma looked immediately relieved, and picked up Luna to cradle in her arms.
Seems to be a good place for some subtle duality to her actions here. Make the "Princess" and the Ranma parts of the personality a bit more in conflict in some way. Maybe the male Ranma part puts the cat comfortably in her lap after doing the girlish hug thing? Just show a bit more of the male Ranma in the little things too.
“It's not that simple for me,”
Disagree with characterization here. Can't see that working. Male side would be stressing the prospect of a good fight, honor, obligations, duty, etc. Female side the same. So both in agreement and he'd help. Yes, she'd want to get back to Nerima probably or at least contact her father...But she shouldn't be leery about joining this fight. She doesn't want people dead that was already established. This just...doesn't work as written. Making this less verbal and more internal is probably a better idea. Or at least qualifying that she really wants to. Just feels off as a statement.
You saved dozens of lives tonight
You saved...billions of lives tonight. Is what the line should be since you just go into the fact that they almost destroyed the world. Billions. Not dozens, hundreds, thousands. Your presence. Everyone. Everything. That should be more...heady.
thing on earth
Capitalize Earth
“You don't have to decide right away. We probably
Strikes me that they aren't really treating her as "The Princess" which is what they know her to be. So, that seems a little weird since technically isn't she their sovereign?
and wasn't sure she could find her way back to Nerima,
Err no. Azabu Juuban to Nerima. Less then 40 minutes by train, 2 hour walk. Follow a map, ask a police officer for directions, go to a train station and look at the stops map. This isn't a issue in the least.
Ranma nodded, and turned toward the door
I could see them letting her leave...But following their Princess would seem to be something they would do. Again Princess. Not just a Senshi.
“Rei understood.
"Rei understands." (Would suggest you then cut to Rei's expression and possibly a quick interjection before continuing.)
“She's my sister.”
Oh that close a friendship between the two? And with Ranma so divided with her own personality and memories with such a feminine Minako with so close a relationship...The stress that will create seems boundless while also nicely supportive at the same time. Lovely idea.
Ranma had taken to the rooftops as soon as she was out of sight of the Hikawa Shrine
Hot water? After she's successfully left a scene where she goes discovers if she is locked or not seems of paramount importance for at least half of her. Showing that also informs your readers. Really think you should do that ASAP. Not waiting, not going and discovering her mother when she'd have no memories of some red haired girl. If she's going after her mother she'd do it as a male. Doesn't necessarily have to change your scene around too much for later. Maybe it rains after he checks and he's back into girl form when he arrives and then that chains to him simply having to say something to his mother when he spots her. But...check first. Think the whole, "Am I stuck or not. Should I even check? What if I am? What if I aren't?" Questions deserve their own rather poignant scene. Maybe locked in a restroom waiting for the hot water to heat up enough to be ready for the change to happen and just wondering while it does.
back,” she said.”
back." she said.
“Well, come in. I don't mind you coming in to reminisce,
Of their house? Girls like sixteen looking right? Or maybe a little younger looking? So Nodoka would have to think she was one of Ranma's childhood friends? Since she couldn't have lived at that house when she was a kid since she's likely lived there for longer then she would be alive. Lines weird.
“You said you had memories of my home. Do you happen to remember my son?
Yeah this conversation would happen outside.
you had a son?”
had? Now I'd say that is wrong and should be have...unless Ranma is classifying herself as a girl right now which we aren't sure of. So not sure if it deserves correction or not. Could be nicely subtle way of saying Ranma think male form is gone...Or just a mistake .
Nodoka said disapprovingly.
Been done but maybe Nodoka thinking all her concern about Ranma is because she's a fiancee, lover, love interest of her son?
“Ran- Ranma? Wild Horse, is that you?”
Hmmm....been so many years don't think she'd recognize him. Canon supports that too with her not really being able to pick between Ryu Kumon and Ranma. So, she'd likely just think weird girl who became a guy, or crossdressing guy. Or something. Not just jump to the son conclusion.
and her mother answered.
Pretty sure canon Minako lives alone. Think Ami and Usagi are the only ones who live with any of their parents. Wiki's confirm.
answered Makoto
answered Minako
down to earth
capitalize Earth
me stop being your child.
child."
Minako holding another girl who was clinging to her and crying. She gave the redheaded girl a look of pity, then closed the door.
It was breaking Minako's heart to see her sister like this. She couldn't stand to let her sister suffer like this anymore. “Pluto,” she said to the empty air.
Sailor Pluto materialized in front of her.
Couldn't follow this. Went from one thing to another and I didn't understand the order or blocking of the scene. Break this down a bit more.
my sister suffer
I'd consider adding a qualifier to sister. Like either big or little. See how they use that to refer to each other.
Nice chapter but wanted more from Ranma's internal perspective. Also the type of POV in the piece seems a bit undefined and maybe a bit jumpy. Think you need to nail that down a bit more. Overall though chapter works, but think it needs a lot of work in the places I marked and then this becomes a lot stronger chapter. But yeah needs a lot more meat in places here, I don't think this is done just yet, but has lots of potential.
Also hope I wasn't caustic in my C&C anywhere. Don't think I was, but I had a bad day and sometimes that sneaks into my editing when I do. If so I apologize. I like the story don't think I don't .