Continuing Red Eye Destiny

[Adyen]

I've considered where to put this, and decided to place this here. If I'm wrong and that it should go somewhere else, mods are welcome to either tell me to move it or move it themselves.

Anyways, here's a little bit of what I've done. Tell me honestly what you think, and whether you feel it works with the previous chapter (which can be found on my ff.net account (Direct Link: Chapter 4 of RED), which I've edited a bit from the orignal sent in the C&C forum.

Anyone want to guess what happened? I did put some clues as to what happened in this short teaser.


Hinata's awakening was accompanied with the smell of dried blood and an almost oppressing feeling of warmth. Instantly alert, she carefully made sure she didn't make any sudden movements and opened her eyes to take stock of the situation.

A wave of vertigo assulted her as she saw a reddish glow coming from somewhere near the foot of her bed; the light allowing her to identify herself as being in some hosptial room from the equipment fallen on the ground near the bed. All along the wall were black ink written in some form of seal that seemed to writher in time with the wave of red light.

The pulsing aura of light didn't really do anything to her other than a mild prickle along her skin, but as she shifted to get a better look at the situation, a face immediately popped up in front of her vision, the body pinning her to the bed.

"Naru...to?" Hinata exclaimed, ending the name in a question as her first impression was that this was the female Naruto, but something seems off. Her face was far sharper than the 'cute' look that she had when transformed, and her eyes were a bright red - slitted like a beast's. Whiskers-like marks that faded from the Henge were sharply shown on the pale face, and her barred teeth had sharp canines that gave her a rather beastal look.

Naruto(?) leaned down to Hinata's face and seemed to sniff her before leaning back. A raspy deep voice seemed to growl out Hinata's name before looking quizzicly at the girl on the bed. A farther look allowed Hinata to see a long main of blood-red hair that pooled across the bed as if it was alive, and sharp nails that ripped into the bed but carefully avoiding Hinata's body.

The girl above her seems to be wearing shredded remains of what seems to be Naruto's clothing, but seems not to care much about modesty as she revealed nearly her entire body. Her smooth skin can be seen all the way down to the little remains of her pants that still cling bravely around the red-head's waist due to a belt that was slowly deforming.

"Hi...na...ta?" Naruto(?) growled out, looking at the girl on the bed. "Ok?"

"Naruto?" Hinata asked, gluping as she looked at this... beastal being above her.

"Hina..ta Ok?" The red-head repeated as her eyes bored into Hinata's own.

"I'm fine, wha..." Hinata started to say before the red-head smiled contently and suddenly the aura and everything seemed to poof away... along with the henge that was keeping Naruto female, leaving a sleeping male falling down onto Hinata.

[lwf58]

Stories, especially ones that you request comments on, belong in the Fic C&C folder.

I'm moving it there now.

[crystlshake]

Hinata's awakening was accompanied with the smell of dried blood and an almost oppressing feeling of warmth.

Hinata awakened to an oppressive heat that seeped into her bones in nearly the same way as the stifling metalic odor of dried blood burrowed into her lungs with every breath. (switch to past tense?, and im guessing the heat is either swealtering (from high humidity), or stifling (from low humidity)- identifying the level of humidity will give the reader an idea about the amount of blood or level of heat involved.

A wave of vertigo assulted her as she saw a reddish glow coming from somewhere near the foot of her bed; the light allowing her to identify herself as being in some hosptial room from the equipment fallen on the ground near the bed. All along the wall were black ink written in some form of seal that seemed to writher in time with the wave of red light.

assaulted her as her eyes caught a red glow (pulsing/flickering?) from beyond the foot of her bed. The (dim/irregular) light (any other sources?) glinting off of the fallen (damaged?)familiar shapes of medical equipment at the edges of her line of sight gave testament to her location as being a hospital room. Though the eye bending scrawls of black ink engulfing every surface and writhing in time with the irregular pulse of an alien heartbeat greeting her from every angle were anything but standard hospital fixtures.

The pulsing aura of light didn't really do anything to her other than a mild prickle along her skin, but as she shifted to get a better look at the situation, a face immediately popped up in front of her vision, the body pinning her to the bed.

of light sent a skittering sensation across her skin that culminated in a small shiver. That small reaction was as complicated in its implications as the breif caress of its harbringer. It was also the catalyst that pinned her body and consumed her vision with sharp attention.

"Hina..ta Ok?" The red-head repeated as her eyes bored into Hinata's own.

as her eyes bored into Hinata's own with devastating/unnerving intensity.

'Flowery Language a Go Go Baby!'