"And If That Don't Work?" Chapter 2

[Sunshine Temple]

Ellen Kuhfeld
I wouldn't exactly call the semicolon my nemesis, but we do have a careful relationship.

[Heh. So how was the rest of the chapter? Gore aside.

[borgrabbit]

"The package for has been completed.

For what?
Good chapter. Just sending off as I read. This is all that I've found so far.
Wes

P.S.

and the two Evangelions pulled themselves out for the wreckage.

of

[Sunshine Temple]

borgrabbit
For what?
[I think I can just omit the for.

Good chapter. Just sending off as I read. This is all that I've found so far.
[great.

Wes


[To all. The flashback scene is being revised. I should have the new version up latter tonight.
[It should be interesting.

[Sunshine Temple]

The "questionable" scene has been revised completely.

Read it and you'll see

[Makoto]

and the two Evangelions pulled themselves out for the wreckage.

How about "pulled themselves from the wreckage"? (Although, 'extracted' would probably be better than 'pulled,' in that case.)

Now, all I have to do is actually read it. -_- (And the latest part of Shinobi 1/2...)

[Atlan]

Although the battering ram's total height was 40 meters and speed, traveled at over 200 meters per second, and was released from over eight thousand meters above the castle.

This sentence doesnt need an Although at the begining, or it needs a something added somewhere.

[Sunshine Temple]

Mike Koos

and the two Evangelions pulled themselves out for the wreckage.

How about "pulled themselves from the wreckage"? (Although, 'extracted' would probably be better than 'pulled,' in that case.)
[That does work better.

Now, all I have to do is actually read it. -_- (And the latest part of Shinobi 1/2...)
[Heh, give it a go

Atlan

Although the battering ram's total height was 40 meters and speed, traveled at over 200 meters per second, and was released from over eight thousand meters above the castle.

This sentence doesnt need an Although at the begining, or it needs a something added somewhere.

[Good catch. Can change to "In this case, the battering"

[Thanks for commenting. I'll have to upload these changes later tonight.

[ChasTaro]

So , the Princess doll was apparently modeled after Shinju. Is there a foreshadowing here. Is the Princes doll modeled after someone?

[Ahye]

just finished reading/skimming over the latest version. The 2nd person bit with Gendo was somewhat jarring as it switches writing styles like that. As I was reading the first couple sentences I thought it was typos until I realized what you were doing.

Seriously... how is this confusing?

You asked this after the first version, and it still somewhat applies now, although the confusion is less now. When I was reading it for the first time I had thought when the first time jump occured that Shinju had seen the fight as some kind of vision, and thus knew what to suggest to be able to defeat the angel. Not sure what to think after the rewrite.

Okay, I don't want to be that obvious, as it really disrupts the flow.

I personally believe that the 2nd person perspective was more disruptive to the flow of reading. Instead of concentrating on what was happening, I was trying to wrap my head around the shift. It seemed well written, just very unexpected.

Another thing thats bothered me, somewhat last chapter and more this one, is just how casual Shinju seems to be with the sex change. Certainly its much better than being dead, but I guess I'm just expecting more of a Ranma type 'I'm a guy damnit' responce. If not out loud, than at least in his head. Admittadly Shinju is a much different character type than Ranma, but even so this responce seems just too passive. There is discussion of what boys she likes, but no inner conflict over weither she should be liking boys at all, as opposed to girls. The bit with the dolls seemed a little odd too. I do recognize the scene after the rifle range where she rushes into the bathroom as a helpful bit of character development, but even so she just seems a bit too accepting of the fact that he is now a she.

I don't mean to sound negative. It sometimes feels that all I do is sound like I don't like the way stuff is written without being able to give better suggestions. Just trying to give my opinion of how the writing came across to me. I do appriciate the effort you put in and enjoy the finished product, even if there are sometimes spots that are a bit confusing now and then.

[Sunshine Temple]

ChasTaro

So , the Princess doll was apparently modeled after Shinju. Is there a foreshadowing here. Is the Princes doll modeled after someone?

[Yes, Kodama did have them specifically made (in under 2 days)
[So the princess is modeled after Shinju. While the prince is modeled after a male Nerv officer.



Ahye

just finished reading/skimming over the latest version. The 2nd person bit with Gendo was somewhat jarring as it switches writing styles like that. As I was reading the first couple sentences I thought it was typos until I realized what you were doing.

[Well one really can't avoid it being jarring.
[And I wanted to try something different with that scene.

Seriously... how is this confusing?

You asked this after the first version, and it still somewhat applies now, although the confusion is less now. When I was reading it for the first time I had thought when the first time jump occured that Shinju had seen the fight as some kind of vision, and thus knew what to suggest to be able to defeat the angel. Not sure what to think after the rewrite.

Okay, I don't want to be that obvious, as it really disrupts the flow.

I personally believe that the 2nd person perspective was more disruptive to the flow of reading. Instead of concentrating on what was happening, I was trying to wrap my head around the shift. It seemed well written, just very unexpected.

Another thing thats bothered me, somewhat last chapter and more this one, is just how casual Shinju seems to be with the sex change. Certainly its much better than being dead, but I guess I'm just expecting more of a Ranma type 'I'm a guy damnit' responce. If not out loud, than at least in his head. Admittadly Shinju is a much different character type than Ranma, but even so this responce seems just too passive.

[Begging your pardon, but please watch NGE.
[If you don't have it, there's eps of it on youtube
[Short of that let me asure you that Shinji really is quite, quite passive in the canon.

There is discussion of what boys she likes, but no inner conflict over weither she should be liking boys at all, as opposed to girls.

[Again see the canon. As there's animie evidence that Shinji is quite possibly bi.
[Though with Kaworu it also may just be Shinji being so love starved, that he would jump the first thing that paid him any mind.

[Granted this is the anime version, in the manga Shinji is less vague.

The bit with the dolls seemed a little odd too. I do recognize the scene after the rifle range where she rushes into the bathroom as a helpful bit of character development, but even so she just seems a bit too accepting of the fact that he is now a she.

[Given that everything else changed in Shinji's life...

I don't mean to sound negative. It sometimes feels that all I do is sound like I don't like the way stuff is written without being able to give better suggestions. Just trying to give my opinion of how the writing came across to me. I do appriciate the effort you put in and enjoy the finished product, even if there are sometimes spots that are a bit confusing now and then.

[The confusion may be because I'm relying too heavily on the reader being familiar with the canon characterization

[As it is hard to believe how passive and introverted Shinji is without actually experiencing it.