The Return ch16

[Sunshine Temple]

Here it is Chapter 16 Retrograde and Remade Part 2
That's right. Two weeks after ch15. To be fair I had ch16 in the wings and delayed posting of ch15 a bit to keep their release close
Link
Enjoy

[Mitchell]

Very nice. I always look forward to updates to 'The Return', and this is one of the better chapters.
Ami's evoloution is handled well in this. One of my favorate scenes in this chapter was probably the conversation between Ranma and Ami in the bar near the end. The way it showed Ranma's charecter was great. The proof that she can manipulate well, that she thinks long term... It was done well.
The fight between Ami, her senshi and Usagi and hers was done well as well.
The part with Ranma and Kasumi at the ends seems to be done well, with the suble build-up earlier on, and was a very emotional scene.
Overall a great chapter, and Ill eagerly be awaiting updates.

[Sunshine Temple]

Very nice. I always look forward to updates to 'The Return', and this is one of the better chapters.

Thanks.

Ami's evoloution is handled well in this. One of my favorate scenes in this chapter was probably the conversation between Ranma and Ami in the bar near the end. The way it showed Ranma's charecter was great. The proof that she can manipulate well, that she thinks long term... It was done well.

Ami's a fun character. All the more so when she has people like Ranma to interact with. She's

The fight between Ami, her senshi and Usagi and hers was done well as well.

Yah, Ami has a plan. Poor Senshi.

The part with Ranma and Kasumi at the ends seems to be done well, with the suble build-up earlier on, and was a very emotional scene.

Cool, yeah I wanted to have that done well.

Overall a great chapter, and Ill eagerly be awaiting updates.

Thanks for comemnting, glad you enjoyed it.

[Cheb]

she grabbed his left, wrist breaking, it and flicked his sword away.

...?

"If my girls wake up, tell them I just went to see, Mom."

...?
Wow.
A lot of unexpected turns, and I couldn't find a single flaw. Everything about these two chapters much above my critizising abilities.

I've always preferred quality over quantity

Looks like that is true for your writing too.

[Sunshine Temple]

For your first comment the problem was a lack of comma? I'm not sure what's wrong, Cheb.
Corrected the second one

Wow.
A lot of unexpected turns, and I couldn't find a single flaw. Everything about these two chapters much above my critizising abilities.

Thanks. I'm glat that you found it so superlative.
So Ami's good? Ranma and her senshi group?

Looks like that is true for your writing too.

Well... I try for quality too.

[PCHeintz72]

Nice addition, as always.
Very pleasantly surprised this followed so soon after the prior chapter. A shame they cannot all go that quick.
Most of this was expected. Nabiki adjusting to new lifestyle. Initial confrontations between Mercury and inners, etc...
A couple odds and ends.
1. I am a bit surprised not one of the inners attempted to contact Setsuna during the Mercury confrontation at the store.
2. Also, a bit confused why the outers were not brought over, though it is good for all they they were not. I can picture their normal operational guidelines getting just about everyone upset.
3. Ranma seems a little too cool to the plight of the inners and Usagi, though I can easily see why it comes across that way. Even if he could help, Usagi has pretty much tied his hands.
4. The phone call the agent made in the bar scene with Mercury, was that to the inners, if not, I wonder how Setsuna/Usagi will take not being informed of the meeting.
5.

Sam leaned in close and whispered into Ranma's ear. "I think you should help her," she looked at her fellow blonde briefly. "She's in a sorry state, just help her. I'll find something risque for Naoko to wear while you do it."

Unless Ranma is blond, this reads wrong to me.

"Attempting to discern my nefarious machinations regarding you are we?" Ranma asked, recalling some of the words her youngest daughter used.

I think it needs a comma after 'regarding you'.

[Raneko]

Did anyone esle hear poor ranma's heart shatter?
Kasumi better think about getting some quarters on base. Because I shudder to think what the brood are going to do to her let Akane and Nabiki.

[Sunshine Temple]

Nice addition, as always.
Very pleasantly surprised this followed so soon after the prior chapter. A shame they cannot all go that quick.

I had originally planed the material of ch15 and 16 as one chapter, but there was too much. So it had to be split.

Most of this was expected. Nabiki adjusting to new lifestyle. Initial confrontations between Mercury and inners, etc...

Yah, slice of life stuff.
A couple odds and ends.

1. I am a bit surprised not one of the inners attempted to contact Setsuna during the Mercury confrontation at the store.

They really should have, but they screwed up.

2. Also, a bit confused why the outers were not brought over, though it is good for all they they were not. I can picture their normal operational guidelines getting just about everyone upset.

Yeah, they would have been counterproductive. But Ami does have plans for them

3. Ranma seems a little too cool to the plight of the inners and Usagi, though I can easily see why it comes across that way. Even if he could help, Usagi has pretty much tied his hands.

Yah, Ranma's not worring about things she can't control

4. The phone call the agent made in the bar scene with Mercury, was that to the inners, if not, I wonder how Setsuna/Usagi will take not being informed of the meeting.

That was to base.
Yes, they would feel out of the loop.

5.
[Sam leaned in close and whispered into Ranma's ear. "I think you should help her," she looked at her fellow blonde briefly. "She's in a sorry state, just help her. I'll find something risque for Naoko to wear while you do it."]
Unless Ranma is blond, this reads wrong to me.

Sam was the one talking and Sam is a blonde.

["Attempting to discern my nefarious machinations regarding you are we?" Ranma asked, recalling some of the words her youngest daughter used.]
I think it needs a comma after 'regarding you'.

Thanks. Yah

Did anyone esle hear poor ranma's heart shatter?
Kasumi better think about getting some quarters on base. Because I shudder to think what the brood are going to do to her let Akane and Nabiki.

Ironic what can and cannot break Ranma's heart.
Yes, Kasumi will have to deal with the reprocusions of what she did.

[PCHeintz72]

I actually meant to have more in my prior post, but suddenly losing the gas in the house took priority (youngest brothers fault, turned it off to check the water heater, but the heater is not turning over as it should).
I suspected for a few chapters now Kasumi might actually do this, but it did not crystalize in my mind until darkstar was pondering it. Also the bit with Ranma and Stillwater/Jarvis in the last chapter also was a hint.

Ironic what can and cannot break Ranma's heart.
Yes, Kasumi will have to deal with the reprocusions of what she did.

I suspect that her own sisters, that she felt so much for, will not be understanding of her plight.
I would have liked to have seen a bit scene in there with Jarvis and/or Stillwater, if not talking with Kasumi on it (as was implied), or with them issuing a advance notice to some of the agents, as Ranma thought they might have been forwarned. This would have shown some of the more concerned and familial attitude and comradarie that has been growing in recent chapters.
Oh, on a different note, when upload the newest chapter to FF.NET, are you going to upload the corrected prior one as well, or is that already there.

[Raneko]

Ironic what can and cannot break Ranma's heart.
Yes, Kasumi will have to deal with the reprocusions of what she did.

Well it proves my Slogan for The Return was.
Sucubi are people too.
As for the reprocusions, let's see.
Needless to say the brood.
Nodoka. Kasumi is so lucky that she's in a combat divsion. and not under Major Saotome's command.
Trooper/agents that respect Ranma

[Sunshine Temple]

I actually meant to have more in my prior post, but suddenly losing the gas in the house took priority (youngest brothers fault, turned it off to check the water heater, but the heater is not turning over as it should).

Is eveyrhting ok now?

I suspected for a few chapters now Kasumi might actually do this, but it did not crystalize in my mind until darkstar was pondering it. Also the bit with Ranma and Stillwater/Jarvis in the last chapter also was a hint.

Heh, foshadowing

I suspect that her own sisters, that she felt so much for, will not be understanding of her plight.

Yes it's insulting from their perspective.

I would have liked to have seen a bit scene in there with Jarvis and/or Stillwater, if not talking with Kasumi on it (as was implied), or with them issuing a advance notice to some of the agents, as Ranma thought they might have been forwarned. This would have shown some of the more concerned and familial attitude and comradarie that has been growing in recent chapters.

They would have let Ranma go to nodoka first. And I needed to end the chapter there. Don't worry Jacob will talk with Ranma.

Oh, on a different note, when upload the newest chapter to FF.NET, are you going to upload the corrected prior one as well, or is that already there.

I really should update. FF.net is just such a pain to update. But Yes I will.

Well it proves my Slogan for The Return was.
Sucubi are people too.

Very true. Ranma's quite emotional, especially when she opens up to someone.

As for the reprocusions, let's see.
Needless to say the brood.
Nodoka. Kasumi is so lucky that she's in a combat divsion. and not under Major Saotome's command.
Trooper/agents that respect Ranma

Yup, Kasumi was really caught in a tough spot here.
Why it's risky to sleep with a sex demon.

[PCHeintz72]

Is eveyrhting ok now?

Water Heater seemed fine when I looked at it, no noises, no puddles, etc...
For the heater we had my uncle come out. Turned out we had everything right, pilot light and all, just did not wait long enough for the sensors to kick back in and determine we needed heat.

They would have let Ranma go to nodoka first. And I needed to end the chapter there. Don't worry Jacob will talk with Ranma.

Well, I think you slightly misunderstood. I did not mean them talking to Ranma before Nodoka (getting in Ranma's way currently would be *bad*, they are not dumb). I meant them either talking amonst themselves before Ranma found out and after Kasumi apparently talked to them on it (that is assuming you meant to imply it was them she talked to on it), or them issuing a notice to the people driving Ranma.
At any rate, look forward to more.

[Cheb]

So Ami's good?

She's very good in how we don't know what to expect from her. She is the same Ami, and at the same time she's not the same. I can't remember when I last saw such a familiar but greatly unpredictable character.

Ranma and her senshi group?

Well... All the hard training brought its fruit, they got their deserved power-up... The battle felt almost anti-climactic after that. AFAIR, Suvorov said "It's hard in the training - it's easy in the battle." Applies very well here. I wonder if the Assembly could put up much of a fight after that. After all, they are used to fight the regular NH (and those stupid enough to openly oppose the humankind, at that).

or your first comment the problem was a lack of comma? I'm not sure what's wrong, Cheb.

No, I meant the comma before "it". I'm not a grammar expert, but it feels awfully out ot place there.

[Sunshine Temple]

Water Heater seemed fine when I looked at it, no noises, no puddles, etc...
For the heater we had my uncle come out. Turned out we had everything right, pilot light and all, just did not wait long enough for the sensors to kick back in and determine we needed heat.

Ok, least it's back up and working.

Well, I think you slightly misunderstood. I did not mean them talking to Ranma before Nodoka (getting in Ranma's way currently would be *bad*, they are not dumb). I meant them either talking amonst themselves before Ranma found out and after Kasumi apparently talked to them on it (that is assuming you meant to imply it was them she talked to on it), or them issuing a notice to the people driving Ranma.

If I didn't have the size limits (meaning it's already a huge chatper) I might have added that in. One thing that does get me, can't show all the scenes I want too.

So Ami's good?
She's very good in how we don't know what to expect from her. She is the same Ami, and at the same time she's not the same. I can't remember when I last saw such a familiar but greatly unpredictable character.

Wonderful. I like that she's got that mix working for her. New and Old Ami. Thanks, I really apreciate that.

Well... All the hard training brought its fruit, they got their deserved power-up... The battle felt almost anti-climactic after that. AFAIR, Suvorov said "It's hard in the training - it's easy in the battle." Applies very well here. I wonder if the Assembly could put up much of a fight after that. After all, they are used to fight the regular NH (and those stupid enough to openly oppose the humankind, at that).

Yeah, the battle was a bit anticlimatic. Though battles arn't the focus here.
Yup. Ranma trains her family very hard.
Yah, the Assembly was caught with their pants down. They'll at least learn to not treat Ranma like the demons they normally face.

No, I meant the comma before "it". I'm not a grammar expert, but it feels awfully out ot place there.

yah the comma should be behind it instead of infront. Nice catch.

[PCHeintz72]

Yah, the Assembly was caught with their pants down. They'll at least learn to not treat Ranma like the demons they normally face.

It is more than that, though they may not care. They shot down a company helicopter and endangered their agents. Although the agents survuved, thanks to Ranma, is not the issue. The fact nothing was done to a company agent prior to this was the only thing preventing their retaliation. At least, I'm assuming that is going to occur based on comments after the battel on the order of 'they made a big mistake'.