To save confusion I'm making a new thread for the complete chap one.
Please, discuss.
""" A bright and sunny morning settled over a non-descript martial arts training hall, the rays of the new day’s sun and the tweeting of summer song birds promising a beautiful day of good fortune.
Oh man, was this household ever in for a surprise…
Soun Tendo, patriarch and master of the Tendo training hall proudly held up a post-card with the picture of a panda on its face as streams of tears of joy fell down his face.
“Girls, do you know what this is?!” Soun exclaimed from his seat across the table from his three daughters.
“Gee daddy, did we win the Taiwanese lottery again?” quipped the middle daughter, Nabiki. Her remark got her an elbow to the ribs courtesy of Kasumi.
“Go on father, what’s the surprise?” asked the ever oh-so polite eldest Kasumi as Nabiki wheezed.
“Well I have excellent news! My oldest and bestest friend, Genma is bringing his boy Saotome Ranma here from China after their training trip!”
“What’s so great about walking from China…” Akane said dismissively.
“Oh, daddy is he cute?” asked an oddly curious Nabiki.
“How old is he father, younger men bore me so…” Kasumi sighed out.
Soun just looked at Kasumi oddly for a moment then said “I have no idea, I’ve never met the lad!”
“And it has been our fondest wish to see our families bonded in matrimony. So if one of you were to be his fiancée the future of the training hall would be secure!” Soun said in joy as he wept.
The three sisters just sat there, jaws agape in shock for a moment.
“Fiancée?” Kasumi said slowly with each syllable.
“Don’t we get ANY say in who we marry?!” Akane shouted in her fathers face.
“Akane’s right daddy, we’ve never even met Ranma…” drolled Nabiki.
“Fiancée?” Kasumi said again slowly.
Suddenly there came a noise of fighting from the front door and the shout of “Stop strugglin’ ya old fool before I drop yer lard-butt on their lawn!”
“Oh! We have visitors!” exclaimed Kasumi as she got up to go to the door.
“It must be Ranma!” Nabiki squealed as she ran to the door.
“Genma my old friend! We were just discussing you!” Soun shouted as he followed.
“Boys… how depressing… Akane muttered as she trudged along behind, her shoulders slumped.
What they saw at their door stopped them all dead in their tracks…
- - - - - -
The downtown market district was a bustling place, full of shops, merchants and customers, all seeking a wide array of goods for their day. This day though they were treated to the additional sight of a live panda-bear, standing on its hind legs in a well known martial artist’s stance. What was even more amazing to the male populous of the crowd was the very tall and leggy rusty-redhead babe talking to the panda “Well I still say the whole think sucks, old man!” she shouted in a song-like soprano that melted the hearts of men (and some women), just before she launched into a flying kick at the panda.
Amazingly the panda blocked the kick.
“I mean, picking my fiancée for me! Without even asking!” the sound of the hearts of men breaking like glass rang-out at the proclamation just as the gorgeous bombshell delivered a hit to the panda, knocking it down, face first.
“This ain’t a time for fiancées! I’m going back to China ta’ finish my training, suck on that old man!” the mega-hottie shouted as she turned and started to walk away
Without warning the panda surged back, and ripped a street-sign up from the ground and brought it down atop the redhead… though before it could reach her cranium, she reached up and grabbed the sign from behind one-handed and said in a flat voice “wrong move, old man…” and with that grabbed the sign pole with her other hand and heaved, flinging the panda at the other end of the pole in an arc over her where it landed before her with a loud crash, knocking it out.
Ranma then noticed the crown of people around her staring, she giggled lightly and scratched the back of her head nervously and said “heh… um… all part of the show folks… yeah… Well look at the time… gotta’ go!” and with that the redhead blurred into motion and wrapped the panda in chains, picked it up and ran-off.
“Oh my, what an odd girl…” muttered a conservatively dressed brown haired woman standing at a green-grocers cart that had had a front-row seat to the action…
- - - - - - -
“Stop struglin ya’ old fool before I drop yer lard-butt on their lawn!” the vivacious redhead said as she struggled with the chained panda slung over her shoulder.
The panda then whipped out a wooden sign saying ‘Put me down boy! Can’t you see you’re scaring them spitless?!’
The redhead then looked up to see in front of her 3 young women and an older mustachioed man all gawking at her.
The eldest woman then turned to the man and asked “Daddy, is this your friend?”
In response he shook his head so hard his long hair weaved and waved.
“So I guess a super-model and her pet panda… that she’s CARRYING just decided to stop by for a visit then, right daddy?” quipped the middle daughter, who got another elbow to the ribs, courtesy of the eldest.
In response he shook his head so hard his long hair weaved and waved.
“Is she a kinky bestiality comfort girl you hired to ease the stress of living in a house filled with women?” asked the youngest.
In response he shook his head so hard his long hair weaved and waved, as the two other sisters just stared at the blue-haired girl oddly.
Coming out of his stupor, Soun leaned forward and asked “You wouldn’t happen to be…”
“Saotome Ranma, sorry ‘bout this and all, just had to stop by and drop him off...” said Ranma with a chagrinned smile as she dropped the chained panda with a thud to scratch the back of her head.
Soun then looked Ranma over, from her long dark russet-red pony-tailed hair that nearly reached the back of her calves, to her slim face with large expressive blue eyes, her red silk shirt valiantly trying to contain her obviously bra-less assets and her wide-hipped leggyness in tight black pants… then he noticed he nearly saw her eye to eye with her.
“But… but… Genma said his son was a BOY!” Soun wailed.
“But HE is obviously a girl…” Nabiki said, and to illustrate flicked her finger across one of Ranma’s prominent nipples, causing an interesting shockwave in the confines of the taught red shirt.
At this the shock was too much and Soun fainted.
Minutes later, with Soun laid-out on the living room floor, Kasumi attended him with a washcloth and said “Oh daddy’s so disappointed…”
“He’s disappointed!? Some fiancée this is!” Nabiki groused as she again flicked her finger across a nipple.
“I really wish you’d stop that…” Ranma said in an oddly soft voice as she put her hands in her lap.
“… but… Genma said he had a son…” Soun muttered softly from the floor.
“This is all your fault! You should have made sure daddy!” Nabiki said.
“Stop it you two… he… err… she’s our guest!” Akane said then turned to Ranma and said with a wide smile “Hi! I’m Akane, wanna’ be friends?!” At Ranma’s smile she said “Great, come on, I wanna’ show you our training hall!” and proceeded to drag Ranma out of the room.
Out in the training hall Akane turned to face Ranma, but instead got a faceful of cleavage, she then backed up, and looked up at Ranma hoping she wasn’t blushing as she asked “You do kempo, right?”
“A little…” Ranma said.
“Then let’s have a little match, okay? You know, just for fun, I’ll go easy on you…”
“If you say so…” Ranma said unsurely as she looked down at the blue haired girl.
With that Akane charged, high kicks, round-house punches, and blocks, Ranma avoided them all as Akane then thought ‘she’s so fast! Is she reading my moves?!’
“Okay! THIS TIME FOR REAL!” Akane shouted as she charged fist outstretched. Ranma then made to jump over Akane’s fist, when just as Ranma was doing a splits-jump over the blue-haired girl, Akane’s other fist comes up to meet squarely with Ranma’s crotch.
This of course caused Ranma to gasp out in pain and her eyes to widen to impossible size as she failed to right herself, so she fell with her face to the floor, and both hands had tucked under her at her crotch as she coughed and wheezed in pain.
“Oh I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to do that, you were just there… I moved without thinking! Sorry! Sorry! Hey, come on, I know getting hit down there hurts and all, but it’s not that bad.” Akane tried to console the downed redhead.
“I think I’m dyin’…” Ranma muttered in a high-squeaking voice between light coughs.
“Jeez ya’ big baby. (sigh) I’ll go get Kasumi, okay?” Akane said, Ranma just wheezed is reply.
- - - - -
“Kasumi, who’s that man sitting in the living room with Soun?” asked the conservatively dressed woman from the market as she entered the kitchen to see Kasumi already starting dinner.
Kasumi then put her finger to her chin to think, then said “You know mother, I don’t really know… but Akane came by and said Ranma might need a little help in the dojo… would you mind if…”
Kimiko Tendo just smiled at Kasumi as said “It’s okay Kasumi, I can finish up here, why don’t you go check on this Ranma and…” Kimiko shook her head and smiled as she realized she was speaking to an empty room, cooking aprons swinging in the breeze…
‘Ranma… why does that name seem so familiar?’ she thought to herself just before taking a taste of Kasumi’s soup… then promptly spitting it back out.
- - - - -
“Oh Ranma, she got you good didn’t she?” Kasumi said as she looked down at the crouching woman with her hands tucked at her crotch.
“Well, then the best remedy I think is a nice soak in the furo to ease away these little aches and pains. Come on, I help you scrub.”
“No!… err, I mean no, that’s alright Kasumi, I wouldn’t want to impose er nothin’” Ranma said as Kasumi helped the teller woman to her feet.
“Nonsense! You’re a guest! It’s only right!” Kasumi said cheerfully, and before Ranma realized it, the two of them were in the changing room of the furo.
“Well… come on and strip now, can’t very well get in the furo dress you know.” Kasumi said.
“What… but with you in here?!” Ranma squawked in protest.
“Of course! It’s just us girls here, right?” Kasumi said sweetly as she dropped her dress so as to keep it from getting wet.
Ranma’s eyes shifted side-to-side slightly and muttered “Not quite…”
“Well then let’s take of those pants so we can have a look-see!” Kasumi said merrily as she tackled Ranma to the floor and began working on the redhead’s belt…
- - - - - -
“Nabiki, have you seen Ranma?” Akane asked.
Nabiki looked up from her manga from her seat in the tea-room and said “I think Kasumi took her off to the furo… jeez Akane, you must’ve really gotten her good, don’t think I’ve ever seen a girl limp like that…”
Akane blushed embarrassed and said “It was an accident, honest. I feel kinda’ bad though so I think I’ll go check on her…” she said as she left the room and walked down the hall to the furo, Nabiki called back and said “Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do!”
Akane called back “…And how short is THAT list?!”
“5,000 Yen!” Nabiki called back with a laugh.
Akane shook her head at her sisters usual antics and then opened to door to the changing room, saw Kasumi’s dress on the bench and Ranma’s red silk shirt in a heap on the floor, she then smiled and was about to ask if they needed any help just as she slid the door to the furo open… but the words died on her lips at the scene laid out in front of her.
There was Kasumi in her black bra and panties, on her knees in front of Ranma who had her back up to the wall her uncovered expansive breasts heaving with breath and most notably of all was a certain horizontal protuberance of flesh at her waist pointing at Kasumi’s face, her lips frozen into an “O” with surprise.
Taking all this in, Akane took a step back, then another as Ranma began to say “Now… hey wait a second… this isn’t what it looks…” s/he was then cut off by Akane’s ear-splitting scream.
With moments the entire household was crowded into the tiny changing room to see the horribly embarrassing scene. And for a moment, time stopped.
Nabiki was there, her eyes popping out of her head and her arm mechanically pointing to Ranma’s chest, the crotch then chest again. Repeat.
Kimiko covered her mouth with her hand and muttered softly “Oh my…”
Soun pumped his arm in victory, shouting “I knew Genma said his son was a man!” before he passed out.
Genma held up a victory fan at Ranma’s apparent conquest of Kasumi, and Akane had just shut down.
Ranma just looked down the valley of her cleavage at the shocked still Kasumi, then at the family crowding the little changing room all staring at her in shock (except for Soun whose out-cold) and then said to herself “Damn… it’s like the Amazons all over again…”
- - - - - -
(End chap 2.)
Next chapter, a flashback and explanations!
A/N: Guess who the primary pairing is going to be, I dare you.
T/B/C!
"""""""""""
Temple of Ranma's Sailor Senshi Seifuku
Anime, Scifi, Fantasy Fan and Original Fiction
Chapter 1: Ranma3/4
29 posts
• Page 1 of 2 • 1, 2
Chapter 1: Ranma3/4
by Tuisto » Sat Sep 22, 2007 3:58 pm
Obfirmo absentis sententia... Imperium mens...
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Tuisto
Posts: 382
by Dumbledork » Sat Sep 22, 2007 4:33 pm
Ranma & Kasumi forever! That's my opinion. I love Hentai!Kasumi fics 
And that's the bottom line 'cause Dumbledork said so.
Dumbledork 3:16
Dumbledork 3:16
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Dumbledork
Posts: 3343
by Dorin » Sat Sep 22, 2007 4:53 pm
*ahem* Reply: ... ... ... AHAHAHAHAHAH! *rolls over in the floor laughing*
*ahem* Anyway, that's definatly a unique angle on things, this is going to prove to be a very interesting fic. I like the strange character developments you're already setting up with these changes in situation. Definatly going to a mile of a half of fun, I think.
Kasumi-Ranma? Go for it!
But relationship humor with all the sisters, and normal fiancee brigade should prove to be entertaining as well.
*ahem* Anyway, that's definatly a unique angle on things, this is going to prove to be a very interesting fic. I like the strange character developments you're already setting up with these changes in situation. Definatly going to a mile of a half of fun, I think.
Kasumi-Ranma? Go for it!
But relationship humor with all the sisters, and normal fiancee brigade should prove to be entertaining as well.
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Dorin
Posts: 130
by Suikie » Sat Sep 22, 2007 5:17 pm
Should also put in some gender confusion... If you had both parts but the vast majority of them were female, you'd be a bit confused as well. IMO that's what make the whole gender bender thing interesting, the confusion! Ranma + Kasumi... if you can somehow make it work fine... although I can tell you are changing a lot... KASUMI A BAD COOK WTF!? lol although with Kimiko there, it is understandable... So if Kasumi's tastes bad... is Akane's worse or better?
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Suikie
Posts: 58
by Tuisto » Sat Sep 22, 2007 5:31 pm
Since there were no objections, I posted the chapter...
Oh and Suikie, gender confusion for Ranma or everybody else?
and think about it, Kimiko has been there... so there wasn't the need for Kasumi to become a great cook. There's more surprises coming. in case you noticed...
Oh and Suikie, gender confusion for Ranma or everybody else?
and think about it, Kimiko has been there... so there wasn't the need for Kasumi to become a great cook. There's more surprises coming. in case you noticed...
Obfirmo absentis sententia... Imperium mens...
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Tuisto
Posts: 382
by borgrabbit » Sat Sep 22, 2007 6:47 pm
Hararararar! ROTFLOL.
I do find it fascinating that you have the girl's mother still alive. So do I take it that the dojo is a going concern?
Wes
I do find it fascinating that you have the girl's mother still alive. So do I take it that the dojo is a going concern?
Wes
Old fart.
Diagonally parked in a parallel universe. Today's cliche is next century's classic.
Diagonally parked in a parallel universe. Today's cliche is next century's classic.
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borgrabbit
Posts: 349
Re: Chapter 1: Ranma ¾
by gsteemso » Sat Sep 22, 2007 8:22 pm
Hmm, a fun read. Bit short though. (Ha, I’m a fine one to complain, I still haven’t written more than a page or so of Permutation 7.) Only a few things popped out at me. Here is the complete nitpicking (paragraphs I found nothing to comment about in were omitted):
You’ve got three orphaned quote marks floating at the start; my spellchecker thinks (and I have to agree) that “nondescript” shouldn’t be hyphenated; the last sentence is on its own line but not its own paragraph (did you mean to have one paragraph or two in there?); and the phrasing of the last sentence seems a bit jarring, though I’m not certain why. Too informal, maybe?
There’s a comma missing after “training hall”. (As a subordinate clause that elaborates on the concept of “Soun Tendo”, it shouldn’t be run together with the subsequent parts of the sentence like that.) Also, I haven’t seen “postcard” with a hyphen in anything published more recently than the 1960s; and you’ve got two uses of the word “face” right after one another, which looks a bit odd. I’d change the first one to “front” or some such.
“Bestest”? Okaaaayy… Soun doesn’t strike me as that childish, but it’s your story.
Again with the run-on subordinate clause, too — comma after “Genma”, please. Also, giving Ranma’s full name after not doing so for Genma sounds strange, as though someone was expecting Ranma to have a different family name than his father. I would either move the “Saotome” to Genma’s name or leave it out altogether.
These three separate lines should really be three separate paragraphs. You’re halfway there, right? :-) Also, I note that Nabiki and Kasumi immediately leap to contemplate Ranma as a potential date, before the engagement is even suggested. Makes sense to me — if their mother is still in the picture, they will be free to be typical boy-crazy teenage girls. A less one-dimensional Kasumi is always a good thing.
When you have a quotation at the end of a sentence, it needs a comma after the last word before the quotation starts. In this case, that would be “said”.
More incompletely separated paragraphs! Argh.
What is Kasumi doing with each syllable? She obviously can’t be saying the whole word with every syllable of the word, but that’s what this says.
Missing apostrophe in “father’s”.
I think you want “drawled” rather than “drolled”; “droll” is an adjective meaning “moderately humorous”, and I’ve never seen it used as a verb before.
Run-on paragraphs again.
Missing close-quote mark after Akane’s speech.
It’s “populace” (a noun meaning “inhabitants”), not “populous” (an adjective meaning “having a lot of inhabitants”).
That same sentence is missing its terminal period, which I think belongs after “panda”.
“Think” should be “thing”, and you’ve got a doubled space after “shouted”.
Run-on clauses. Needs a comma after “Amazingly”, otherwise it sounds like that’s the panda’s name.
Run-on sentences. I’d capitalize “The” where I bolded it, above.
“Rang out” should not be hyphenated.
Spurious apostrophe after “ta”. It’s neither a possessive nor a contraction and needs no special punctuation.
Missing the period at the end of the paragraph.
Repetitious use of “and”, producing the impression of a run-on sentence (whether it actually is one, I am not sure). Suggest deleting the “and” that I bolded and inserting a comma after “ground”. …Oh. I see there are lots more “and”s after those two. This whole thing needs to be rephrased so it is in clear sentences, rather than a barely-coherent word-fart — we can see what you meant, but it needs to calm down a bit. It currently reads like a hyperactive child speaks.
You’ve got “crown” where you mean “crowd”; a spurious apostrophe after “gotta” (same deal as “ta” by itself — see comments above); and a spurious hyphen in “ran off”.
Also, the whole mess is another big run-on sentence — though unlike the paragraph before it, you could probably do this one in only two sentences.
“Greengrocers” is not usually hyphenated, though it is not nearly as obsolete or strange a usage as some of the ones I marked above.
Do you mean that the woman had the front-row seat, or that the cart provided one? It currently says the second, but a bit ambiguously.
Missing a “g” and an apostrophe in “strugglin’ ”. Spurious apostrophe after “ya”. You seem to be using apostrophes when you substitute in some letters to spell a slang pronunciation. However, I’m pretty sure they should only be used when letters are dropped entirely.
Incompletely separated paragraphs again. This seems to happen wherever you have dialogue. Is there something flaky with your word processor that makes that happen?
Technically, “weaved” is not a word, but “wove and waved” just doesn’t have the same ring to it. I’d leave that one alone for the effect.
If you’re using British or Commonwealth spelling, as appears to be the case, “moustachioed” is more traditional than your “mustachioed”, though in these degenerate times both are accepted.
Missing a comma after “asked”.
It’s “legginess”. When converting an adjective ending in -y to a noun, always turn the -y into an -i before attaching the -ness.
You mean “taut” (an adjective meaning “stretched tight”), not “taught” (past tense of the verb “to teach”).
Spurious hyphen in “laid out”, and missing the comma after “said” — the addition of which unfortunately makes the sentence sound rather overextended. Suggest a slight rewording, something like this: Minutes later, Soun was laid out on the living room floor. As Kasumi attended him with a washcloth, she said, “Oh, Daddy’s so disappointed…”
If you mean to point up the inadequacy of a woman as a prospective husband, that should probably say “fiancé” rather than “fiancée”.
Missing commas after “Akane said”, “wide smile”, and “she said”. Spurious apostrophes after both instances of “wanna”.
Run-on sentence. Suggest something like: … faceful of cleavage. She backed up and looked up at Ranma, hoping …
Run-on sentence again. Suggest something like: With that, Akane charged; but regardless of what she tried, whether high kicks, roundhouse punches, or blocks, Ranma avoided them all. Akane thought, “She’s so fast! Is she reading my moves?!”
This one is a mess. Missing comma after “she charged”. The “when” I’ve bolded above should be “but”. “Comes” should be “came’ — you dropped into the wrong tense for a bit there.
The end of that quotation should have a comma rather than a period, unless you really did intend it to be two separate sentences.
Spurious apostrophe after “ya”, and run-on sentences that should be split apart after “Akane said” (that comma should be a period). Also, do you mean “wheezed his reply” or “wheezed in reply”? What you have there is neither fish nor fowl.
That first “then” is redundant. Also, missing a comma after “said”.
With regards to the bolded section: should that “as” be “and”, or “as she”? Also, the “said” should have a comma on the end.
Incompletely separated paragraphs again.
You seem to use an awful lot of ellipses (that is, …s). I used to have the same problem, so I know what I’m talking about when I say: they are OK in one or two places on a chapter, but using them in almost every sentence makes you sound unsure of your writing. Write assertively! It is well worth the effort.
I loved the bit with Kasumi being a lousy cook. Nice bit of difference from the average fic.
That should be “I’ll help” or “I will help” (missing a word).
Authorities are divided on whether “alright” is a word or not. I was always taught, and most authorities agree, that the proper spelling is two words: “all right”. Some newer sources disagree. Yes, these are degenerate times indeed.
The comma at the end of the quotation is missing. It should read: … impose ’r nothin’,” Ranma said… (Whether you use “ ’r” or “er” in there is purely up to you; I just went with what looked better to me.)
That should be “dressed”. It’s easy to accidentally leave out the parts we round off when speaking, but doing it results in a sentence that doesn’t say what you mean. Is a “furo dress” a new type of garment?
That should be “take off those pants”. To take “of” them would be to take away part of the material they’re made from.
Having two “from” clauses stacked up like that is rather awkward. There are so many ways you could rephrase it that I don’t know what to advise as a replacement, though. Also, missing the comma after “and said”. I think the “jeez” should be capitalized, too; it looks like the start of a sentence, though you could probably skate on that because it is speech.
Missing commas after “blushed” and “embarrassed” (it is a subordinate clause explaining why she blushed). Also missing one after the first “said”. Technically the apostrophe on “kinda’” is correct, but it looks a bit odd because most people leave it out, treating “kinda” as a slang term in its own right.
The bit from “Nabiki called” to the end should be split off into its own paragraph. Always make a new paragraph when the speaker changes.
Missing comma after “back”.
Missing apostrophe in the possessive “sister’s usual antics”. Run-on sentences at “floor”; needs rephrasing to end the first sentence there.
You’re missing all the commas out of the list describing Ranma’s position, and — among other things — I’m not sure I’d describe someone’s “package” as being horizontal if it’s gotten up to waist level. I’d do something like: There was Kasumi in her black bra and panties, on her knees in front of Ranma — who had her back up to the wall, her expansive, uncovered breasts heaving with breath; and, most notably of all, a certain upwardly-mobile protuberance of flesh at her waist poking at the startled face of Kasumi, whose lips were frozen in an “O” of surprise.
Missing the comma after “began to say”.
That should be “within moments”, I believe.
Incompletely separated paragraphs again.
That part with “the crotch” looks a bit odd. “then the crotch, then the chest again”, perhaps?
Missing the comma before what Soun says (after “shouting”).
The bit with “shocked still” reads very oddly. Maybe reverse the order? “Still shocked” sounds much more like I’d expect. Also, you’ve got “Soun whose out-cold” where you mean “Soun, who was out cold” (out cold is two words).
So, just a bunch of trivial mechanical stuff. You already incorporated prior suggestions, and I didn’t find a thing wrong with the actual plot (such as there is at this early stage).
Please write more!
G.
Tuisto wrote:""" A bright and sunny morning settled over a non-descript martial arts training hall, the rays of the new day’s sun and the tweeting of summer song birds promising a beautiful day of good fortune.
Oh man, was this household ever in for a surprise…
You’ve got three orphaned quote marks floating at the start; my spellchecker thinks (and I have to agree) that “nondescript” shouldn’t be hyphenated; the last sentence is on its own line but not its own paragraph (did you mean to have one paragraph or two in there?); and the phrasing of the last sentence seems a bit jarring, though I’m not certain why. Too informal, maybe?
Soun Tendo, patriarch and master of the Tendo training hall proudly held up a post-card with the picture of a panda on its face as streams of tears of joy fell down his face.
There’s a comma missing after “training hall”. (As a subordinate clause that elaborates on the concept of “Soun Tendo”, it shouldn’t be run together with the subsequent parts of the sentence like that.) Also, I haven’t seen “postcard” with a hyphen in anything published more recently than the 1960s; and you’ve got two uses of the word “face” right after one another, which looks a bit odd. I’d change the first one to “front” or some such.
“Well I have excellent news! My oldest and bestest friend, Genma is bringing his boy Saotome Ranma here from China after their training trip!”
“Bestest”? Okaaaayy… Soun doesn’t strike me as that childish, but it’s your story.
Again with the run-on subordinate clause, too — comma after “Genma”, please. Also, giving Ranma’s full name after not doing so for Genma sounds strange, as though someone was expecting Ranma to have a different family name than his father. I would either move the “Saotome” to Genma’s name or leave it out altogether.
“What’s so great about walking from China…” Akane said dismissively.
“Oh, daddy is he cute?” asked an oddly curious Nabiki.
“How old is he father, younger men bore me so…” Kasumi sighed out.
These three separate lines should really be three separate paragraphs. You’re halfway there, right? :-) Also, I note that Nabiki and Kasumi immediately leap to contemplate Ranma as a potential date, before the engagement is even suggested. Makes sense to me — if their mother is still in the picture, they will be free to be typical boy-crazy teenage girls. A less one-dimensional Kasumi is always a good thing.
Soun just looked at Kasumi oddly for a moment then said “I have no idea, I’ve never met the lad!”
When you have a quotation at the end of a sentence, it needs a comma after the last word before the quotation starts. In this case, that would be “said”.
“Fiancée?” Kasumi said slowly with each syllable.
“Don’t we get ANY say in who we marry?!” Akane shouted in her fathers face.
“Akane’s right daddy, we’ve never even met Ranma…” drolled Nabiki.
“Fiancée?” Kasumi said again slowly.
More incompletely separated paragraphs! Argh.
What is Kasumi doing with each syllable? She obviously can’t be saying the whole word with every syllable of the word, but that’s what this says.
Missing apostrophe in “father’s”.
I think you want “drawled” rather than “drolled”; “droll” is an adjective meaning “moderately humorous”, and I’ve never seen it used as a verb before.
“Oh! We have visitors!” exclaimed Kasumi as she got up to go to the door.
“It must be Ranma!” Nabiki squealed as she ran to the door.
“Genma my old friend! We were just discussing you!” Soun shouted as he followed.
“Boys… how depressing… Akane muttered as she trudged along behind, her shoulders slumped.
Run-on paragraphs again.
Missing close-quote mark after Akane’s speech.
The downtown market district was a bustling place, full of shops, merchants and customers, all seeking a wide array of goods for their day. This day though they were treated to the additional sight of a live panda-bear, standing on its hind legs in a well known martial artist’s stance. What was even more amazing to the male populous of the crowd was the very tall and leggy rusty-redhead babe talking to the panda “Well I still say the whole think sucks, old man!” she shouted in a song-like soprano that melted the hearts of men (and some women), just before she launched into a flying kick at the panda.
It’s “populace” (a noun meaning “inhabitants”), not “populous” (an adjective meaning “having a lot of inhabitants”).
That same sentence is missing its terminal period, which I think belongs after “panda”.
“Think” should be “thing”, and you’ve got a doubled space after “shouted”.
Amazingly the panda blocked the kick.
Run-on clauses. Needs a comma after “Amazingly”, otherwise it sounds like that’s the panda’s name.
“I mean, picking my fiancée for me! Without even asking!” the sound of the hearts of men breaking like glass rang-out at the proclamation just as the gorgeous bombshell delivered a hit to the panda, knocking it down, face first.
Run-on sentences. I’d capitalize “The” where I bolded it, above.
“Rang out” should not be hyphenated.
“This ain’t a time for fiancées! I’m going back to China ta’ finish my training, suck on that old man!” the mega-hottie shouted as she turned and started to walk away
Spurious apostrophe after “ta”. It’s neither a possessive nor a contraction and needs no special punctuation.
Missing the period at the end of the paragraph.
Without warning the panda surged back, and ripped a street-sign up from the ground and brought it down atop the redhead… though before it could reach her cranium, she reached up and grabbed the sign from behind one-handed and said in a flat voice “wrong move, old man…” and with that grabbed the sign pole with her other hand and heaved, flinging the panda at the other end of the pole in an arc over her where it landed before her with a loud crash, knocking it out.
Repetitious use of “and”, producing the impression of a run-on sentence (whether it actually is one, I am not sure). Suggest deleting the “and” that I bolded and inserting a comma after “ground”. …Oh. I see there are lots more “and”s after those two. This whole thing needs to be rephrased so it is in clear sentences, rather than a barely-coherent word-fart — we can see what you meant, but it needs to calm down a bit. It currently reads like a hyperactive child speaks.
Ranma then noticed the crown of people around her staring, she giggled lightly and scratched the back of her head nervously and said “heh… um… all part of the show folks… yeah… Well look at the time… gotta’ go!” and with that the redhead blurred into motion and wrapped the panda in chains, picked it up and ran-off.
You’ve got “crown” where you mean “crowd”; a spurious apostrophe after “gotta” (same deal as “ta” by itself — see comments above); and a spurious hyphen in “ran off”.
Also, the whole mess is another big run-on sentence — though unlike the paragraph before it, you could probably do this one in only two sentences.
“Oh my, what an odd girl…” muttered a conservatively dressed brown haired woman standing at a green-grocers cart that had had a front-row seat to the action…
“Greengrocers” is not usually hyphenated, though it is not nearly as obsolete or strange a usage as some of the ones I marked above.
Do you mean that the woman had the front-row seat, or that the cart provided one? It currently says the second, but a bit ambiguously.
“Stop struglin ya’ old fool before I drop yer lard-butt on their lawn!” the vivacious redhead said as she struggled with the chained panda slung over her shoulder.
Missing a “g” and an apostrophe in “strugglin’ ”. Spurious apostrophe after “ya”. You seem to be using apostrophes when you substitute in some letters to spell a slang pronunciation. However, I’m pretty sure they should only be used when letters are dropped entirely.
The redhead then looked up to see in front of her 3 young women and an older mustachioed man all gawking at her.
The eldest woman then turned to the man and asked “Daddy, is this your friend?”
In response he shook his head so hard his long hair weaved and waved.
“So I guess a super-model and her pet panda… that she’s CARRYING just decided to stop by for a visit then, right daddy?” quipped the middle daughter, who got another elbow to the ribs, courtesy of the eldest.
In response he shook his head so hard his long hair weaved and waved.
“Is she a kinky bestiality comfort girl you hired to ease the stress of living in a house filled with women?” asked the youngest.
In response he shook his head so hard his long hair weaved and waved, as the two other sisters just stared at the blue-haired girl oddly.
Incompletely separated paragraphs again. This seems to happen wherever you have dialogue. Is there something flaky with your word processor that makes that happen?
Technically, “weaved” is not a word, but “wove and waved” just doesn’t have the same ring to it. I’d leave that one alone for the effect.
If you’re using British or Commonwealth spelling, as appears to be the case, “moustachioed” is more traditional than your “mustachioed”, though in these degenerate times both are accepted.
Coming out of his stupor, Soun leaned forward and asked “You wouldn’t happen to be…”
Missing a comma after “asked”.
Soun then looked Ranma over, from her long dark russet-red pony-tailed hair that nearly reached the back of her calves, to her slim face with large expressive blue eyes, her red silk shirt valiantly trying to contain her obviously bra-less assets and her wide-hipped leggyness in tight black pants… then he noticed he nearly saw her eye to eye with her.
It’s “legginess”. When converting an adjective ending in -y to a noun, always turn the -y into an -i before attaching the -ness.
“But HE is obviously a girl…” Nabiki said, and to illustrate flicked her finger across one of Ranma’s prominent nipples, causing an interesting shockwave in the confines of the taught red shirt.
You mean “taut” (an adjective meaning “stretched tight”), not “taught” (past tense of the verb “to teach”).
Minutes later, with Soun laid-out on the living room floor, Kasumi attended him with a washcloth and said “Oh daddy’s so disappointed…”
Spurious hyphen in “laid out”, and missing the comma after “said” — the addition of which unfortunately makes the sentence sound rather overextended. Suggest a slight rewording, something like this: Minutes later, Soun was laid out on the living room floor. As Kasumi attended him with a washcloth, she said, “Oh, Daddy’s so disappointed…”
“He’s disappointed!? Some fiancée this is!” Nabiki groused as she again flicked her finger across a nipple.
If you mean to point up the inadequacy of a woman as a prospective husband, that should probably say “fiancé” rather than “fiancée”.
“Stop it you two… he… err… she’s our guest!” Akane said then turned to Ranma and said with a wide smile “Hi! I’m Akane, wanna’ be friends?!” At Ranma’s smile she said “Great, come on, I wanna’ show you our training hall!” and proceeded to drag Ranma out of the room.
Missing commas after “Akane said”, “wide smile”, and “she said”. Spurious apostrophes after both instances of “wanna”.
Out in the training hall Akane turned to face Ranma, but instead got a faceful of cleavage, she then backed up, and looked up at Ranma hoping she wasn’t blushing as she asked “You do kempo, right?”
Run-on sentence. Suggest something like: … faceful of cleavage. She backed up and looked up at Ranma, hoping …
With that Akane charged, high kicks, round-house punches, and blocks, Ranma avoided them all as Akane then thought ‘she’s so fast! Is she reading my moves?!’
Run-on sentence again. Suggest something like: With that, Akane charged; but regardless of what she tried, whether high kicks, roundhouse punches, or blocks, Ranma avoided them all. Akane thought, “She’s so fast! Is she reading my moves?!”
“Okay! THIS TIME FOR REAL!” Akane shouted as she charged fist outstretched. Ranma then made to jump over Akane’s fist, when just as Ranma was doing a splits-jump over the blue-haired girl, Akane’s other fist comes up to meet squarely with Ranma’s crotch.
This one is a mess. Missing comma after “she charged”. The “when” I’ve bolded above should be “but”. “Comes” should be “came’ — you dropped into the wrong tense for a bit there.
“Oh I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to do that, you were just there… I moved without thinking! Sorry! Sorry! Hey, come on, I know getting hit down there hurts and all, but it’s not that bad.” Akane tried to console the downed redhead.
The end of that quotation should have a comma rather than a period, unless you really did intend it to be two separate sentences.
“Jeez ya’ big baby. (sigh) I’ll go get Kasumi, okay?” Akane said, Ranma just wheezed is reply.
Spurious apostrophe after “ya”, and run-on sentences that should be split apart after “Akane said” (that comma should be a period). Also, do you mean “wheezed his reply” or “wheezed in reply”? What you have there is neither fish nor fowl.
Kasumi then put her finger to her chin to think, then said “You know mother, I don’t really know… but Akane came by and said Ranma might need a little help in the dojo… would you mind if…”
That first “then” is redundant. Also, missing a comma after “said”.
Kimiko Tendo just smiled at Kasumi as said “It’s okay Kasumi, I can finish up here, why don’t you go check on this Ranma and…” Kimiko shook her head and smiled as she realized she was speaking to an empty room, cooking aprons swinging in the breeze…
‘Ranma… why does that name seem so familiar?’ she thought to herself just before taking a taste of Kasumi’s soup… then promptly spitting it back out.
With regards to the bolded section: should that “as” be “and”, or “as she”? Also, the “said” should have a comma on the end.
Incompletely separated paragraphs again.
You seem to use an awful lot of ellipses (that is, …s). I used to have the same problem, so I know what I’m talking about when I say: they are OK in one or two places on a chapter, but using them in almost every sentence makes you sound unsure of your writing. Write assertively! It is well worth the effort.
I loved the bit with Kasumi being a lousy cook. Nice bit of difference from the average fic.
“Well, then the best remedy I think is a nice soak in the furo to ease away these little aches and pains. Come on, I help you scrub.”
That should be “I’ll help” or “I will help” (missing a word).
“No!… err, I mean no, that’s alright Kasumi, I wouldn’t want to impose er nothin’” Ranma said as Kasumi helped the teller woman to her feet.
Authorities are divided on whether “alright” is a word or not. I was always taught, and most authorities agree, that the proper spelling is two words: “all right”. Some newer sources disagree. Yes, these are degenerate times indeed.
The comma at the end of the quotation is missing. It should read: … impose ’r nothin’,” Ranma said… (Whether you use “ ’r” or “er” in there is purely up to you; I just went with what looked better to me.)
“Well… come on and strip now, can’t very well get in the furo dress you know.” Kasumi said.
That should be “dressed”. It’s easy to accidentally leave out the parts we round off when speaking, but doing it results in a sentence that doesn’t say what you mean. Is a “furo dress” a new type of garment?
“Well then let’s take of those pants so we can have a look-see!” Kasumi said merrily as she tackled Ranma to the floor and began working on the redhead’s belt…
That should be “take off those pants”. To take “of” them would be to take away part of the material they’re made from.
Nabiki looked up from her manga from her seat in the tea-room and said “I think Kasumi took her off to the furo… jeez Akane, you must’ve really gotten her good, don’t think I’ve ever seen a girl limp like that…”
Having two “from” clauses stacked up like that is rather awkward. There are so many ways you could rephrase it that I don’t know what to advise as a replacement, though. Also, missing the comma after “and said”. I think the “jeez” should be capitalized, too; it looks like the start of a sentence, though you could probably skate on that because it is speech.
Akane blushed embarrassed and said “It was an accident, honest. I feel kinda’ bad though so I think I’ll go check on her…” she said as she left the room and walked down the hall to the furo, Nabiki called back and said “Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do!”
Missing commas after “blushed” and “embarrassed” (it is a subordinate clause explaining why she blushed). Also missing one after the first “said”. Technically the apostrophe on “kinda’” is correct, but it looks a bit odd because most people leave it out, treating “kinda” as a slang term in its own right.
The bit from “Nabiki called” to the end should be split off into its own paragraph. Always make a new paragraph when the speaker changes.
Akane called back “…And how short is THAT list?!”
Missing comma after “back”.
Akane shook her head at her sisters usual antics and then opened to door to the changing room, saw Kasumi’s dress on the bench and Ranma’s red silk shirt in a heap on the floor, she then smiled and was about to ask if they needed any help just as she slid the door to the furo open… but the words died on her lips at the scene laid out in front of her.
Missing apostrophe in the possessive “sister’s usual antics”. Run-on sentences at “floor”; needs rephrasing to end the first sentence there.
There was Kasumi in her black bra and panties, on her knees in front of Ranma who had her back up to the wall her uncovered expansive breasts heaving with breath and most notably of all was a certain horizontal protuberance of flesh at her waist pointing at Kasumi’s face, her lips frozen into an “O” with surprise.
You’re missing all the commas out of the list describing Ranma’s position, and — among other things — I’m not sure I’d describe someone’s “package” as being horizontal if it’s gotten up to waist level. I’d do something like: There was Kasumi in her black bra and panties, on her knees in front of Ranma — who had her back up to the wall, her expansive, uncovered breasts heaving with breath; and, most notably of all, a certain upwardly-mobile protuberance of flesh at her waist poking at the startled face of Kasumi, whose lips were frozen in an “O” of surprise.
Taking all this in, Akane took a step back, then another as Ranma began to say “Now… hey wait a second… this isn’t what it looks…” s/he was then cut off by Akane’s ear-splitting scream.
Missing the comma after “began to say”.
With moments the entire household was crowded into the tiny changing room to see the horribly embarrassing scene. And for a moment, time stopped.
Nabiki was there, her eyes popping out of her head and her arm mechanically pointing to Ranma’s chest, the crotch then chest again. Repeat.
Kimiko covered her mouth with her hand and muttered softly “Oh my…”
Soun pumped his arm in victory, shouting “I knew Genma said his son was a man!” before he passed out.
Genma held up a victory fan at Ranma’s apparent conquest of Kasumi, and Akane had just shut down.
That should be “within moments”, I believe.
Incompletely separated paragraphs again.
That part with “the crotch” looks a bit odd. “then the crotch, then the chest again”, perhaps?
Missing the comma before what Soun says (after “shouting”).
Ranma just looked down the valley of her cleavage at the shocked still Kasumi, then at the family crowding the little changing room all staring at her in shock (except for Soun whose out-cold) and then said to herself “Damn… it’s like the Amazons all over again…”
The bit with “shocked still” reads very oddly. Maybe reverse the order? “Still shocked” sounds much more like I’d expect. Also, you’ve got “Soun whose out-cold” where you mean “Soun, who was out cold” (out cold is two words).
So, just a bunch of trivial mechanical stuff. You already incorporated prior suggestions, and I didn’t find a thing wrong with the actual plot (such as there is at this early stage).
Please write more!
G.
The world’s only gsteemso
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gsteemso
Posts: 150
by Suikie » Sat Sep 22, 2007 10:23 pm
Damn it gsteemso, where were you when I posted my fic? XD BAH! You need to go to FFnet and read "Soulbound"! Don't forget to review! Make sure you read the other reviews first to make sure you don't point something out someone else has already. :p
Yes Tuisto, I had noticed you plan for more surprises. So is Kasumi gonna be interested in Ranma as a girl, a boy or both? Or will she just be plain interested? Also, you didn't answer... who will be a worse cook? Akane or Kasumi? :p
Yes Tuisto, I had noticed you plan for more surprises. So is Kasumi gonna be interested in Ranma as a girl, a boy or both? Or will she just be plain interested? Also, you didn't answer... who will be a worse cook? Akane or Kasumi? :p
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Suikie
Posts: 58
by Dumbledork » Sun Sep 23, 2007 7:08 am
I'd like to add something to Ryoga's curse. You seem to appreciate my dodo idea. Well, to make it more humiliating, how about turning Ryoga into a female bird? Fresh eggs for Akane every morning 
And that's the bottom line 'cause Dumbledork said so.
Dumbledork 3:16
Dumbledork 3:16
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Dumbledork
Posts: 3343
by Ahye » Sun Sep 23, 2007 8:13 pm
Some interesting twists in this latest chapter. The biggest one which I didn't expect is having the girl's mother still alive. Aside from the obvious change this induced in Kasumi never learning to cook, it should also produce many other changes in the primary characters. Think about it for a moment. With her never dieing that means that Nabiki never had to become the mercenary like person she later became and should still be more of the impulsive boy-crazy type of character we saw hints of in the first little bit of the manga. It would mean that Akane might not have ever been spoiled by her father, as I'm certain that her mother would have properly disciplined her. Akane might not have come to hate boys as I'm sure she could have talked to her mother about the situation at school, and hopefully it would have been resolved differently. Lets also consider Sound Tendo. With his wife never having passed on, he wouldn't be the broken shell of a man we find in the manga. Now while a strong, determined forceful Soun might be an interesting change, it would be significantly different to write, and would be a huge change in personality.
That all said of course there might still be other reasons the characters turned out the way they did that haven't been shown yet. And, I have to admit, I'm still having fun reading this reguardless of any changes or lack of them in the characters.
As for this being a R&K fic, it would be a nice change. While I've always perfered a Ranma&Nabiki match, a well written Kasumi fic can be a pleasant warm and fluffy read.
That all said of course there might still be other reasons the characters turned out the way they did that haven't been shown yet. And, I have to admit, I'm still having fun reading this reguardless of any changes or lack of them in the characters.
As for this being a R&K fic, it would be a nice change. While I've always perfered a Ranma&Nabiki match, a well written Kasumi fic can be a pleasant warm and fluffy read.
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Ahye
Posts: 106
by gsteemso » Mon Sep 24, 2007 3:27 pm
Suikie wrote:Damn it gsteemso, where were you when I posted my fic? XD BAH! You need to go to FFnet and read "Soulbound"! Don't forget to review! Make sure you read the other reviews first to make sure you don't point something out someone else has already. :p
I did in fact read that when it was first posted, but — please forgive this — it didn’t really catch my interest. You see, the detailed review I posted above for Tuisto’s story took me over 3 hours to write, and I just can’t justify that kind of time investment very often, nor for stories that don’t grab me and DEMAND that I help. Even then, the magnitude of the task scares me off unless the chapter in question is noticeably shorter than I normally like. That’s why I still haven’t gotten through even the first chapter of Migele’s “Sailor Santa” series, like I promised I would so many months ago.
In other words, there are good reasons I don’t post C&C very often. I’d love to copyedit for everyone who wants it — after all, who doesn’t like a chance to show off one of the few things they are good at? — but I just can’t do it. I am very sorry.
G.
The world’s only gsteemso
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gsteemso
Posts: 150
by borgrabbit » Mon Sep 24, 2007 9:23 pm
The copyediting I prefer to do is to just make the changes and leave change bars behind in Word. Not perfect, but who is? If you have several copies of the full blown acrobat, you can make comments and suggestions and leave it up to the originator to do the real corrections. I kind of question the ergonomics, but, if security is important. However, someone like gsteemso is a rare gem that must be appreciated and flattered in the hope that they might turn their eye to your work, to your benefit.
I hope this story continues in the same vein. Speaking of veins, I can't wait for Kuno's cerebral hemorrhage. Should be good for some projectile nasal discharges on the part of the idiot. Right before he says, "Huh???"
Wes
I hope this story continues in the same vein. Speaking of veins, I can't wait for Kuno's cerebral hemorrhage. Should be good for some projectile nasal discharges on the part of the idiot. Right before he says, "Huh???"
Wes
Old fart.
Diagonally parked in a parallel universe. Today's cliche is next century's classic.
Diagonally parked in a parallel universe. Today's cliche is next century's classic.
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borgrabbit
Posts: 349
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