[What exactly? I don't see a formating error in your blurb
No space between two different people talking.
[ahh.
Anywho....
I'll bring up Ranma being more femme later.
"Close enough. Interesting choice of words too." She said with deliberate delicateness.
Why the alliteration here? The point that Ranma wanted her "kids" to be careful about draining is already obvious, especially with the alliteration, it seems to shout "hey, look, imporant!" I'm exaggerating, but do you get my point?
[Pardon? There's no alliteration in Ranma's speech here.
[So it's not out of character for Ranma.
[As for the alliteration in the prose that was coincidental.
"You taught my father? Soun too? Oh dear," Ranma sighed. Even if this coot were telling the truth things could be a pain.
The "oh dear" seems out of place....to me, it seems too girly, even for your Ranma.
[Hmm... I don't really agree.
Heh...should've guessed Ranma's uncaringness to all things sex related would really endear her to Happosai....though I don't know if I would consider his draining to be in the same category as demonic biology.....
[Yah Happi's not that bad in Ranma's eyes
[It's not. But it was similar.
Ranma rolled her eyes. "Oh please we're not a bunch of prudes."
My instincts are telling me there's a missed comma _somewhere_ in there...either after oh, or more likely, please.
[probably. at work now so will have to update later.
"He's just some mook that likes causin' trouble," Ranma explained.
Mook?
Mook: n. Slang
An insignificant or contemptible person.
I do like more Murdock scheming, though.....and the limit on how far Happosai'll go is nice.
"We believe, he is trying to orchestrate events," Nodoka said.
unneccesary comma.
[yup
"Tingly," Mercury laughed and adjusted her corset. "I'm not some phage, but it's good to see you had the stone to at least try."
The stones? Sounds more like a man talking than Mercury....
[Eh, was less crash than saying balls, but it is the phrase that fits.
"Excellent," Mercury said as she blocked the flaming fists with her tessen. Behind her smirk she wondered. The fans would hold up; they were designed to take much more than this.
Designed....so, they're not a natural aspect of her new transformation?
[Is any pwert of her new transformation "natural"?
Nice little Senshi fight, with serious Usagi finally coming out....the Moon kick was a nice touch.
[Thanks. Yeah, Usagi goes get serious, and her kick is a cannon attack.
Interesting aspect with Usagi playing the princess card...either she got _really_ lucky, or Ami's more the Ami we know than the rest of the Senshi realize...
[The question becomes what are Merc's motives and her feelings toward the Princess.
Moon glared at the spilled blood and hurt friends. "Yes. I'll do whatever it takes."
Seems awkward....perhaps inserting a "her" between and/hurt
[Hmm... I think it sounds more awkward with her in there, acutally.
And even more interesting that Ami didn't take Minako just because Usagi was charging up.....which is related to the above: fear, loyalty, or merely thinking that if it helps Usagi to get stronger, she'll concede some points?
[Heh
[Yup, comes down to what Ami's ultimate goals are.
"Definite improvement in Nabikis," Naoko remarked. "She's half Tendo's size, and half the smirking con artist."
Either and apostrophe, or take out the "s".
[No. You never use an apostrophe for a plural.
Ah, blood samples....interesting shot of realism there.
[Yah, the local police would have to know something is going on.
"Troubling," Setsuna gulped down nearly half of her drink.
You go from while she's talking straight into action. Perhaps.
"Troubling," Setsuna agreed as she knocked back half of her drink....
Or something to that effect.
[or I could go with just a period after troubling. But that is a mistake.
Hmm...Kodachi's back....and that means either you've brought her in just for fun, which would be rather odd, or she's going to get deeply involved quite quickly.....or she already is....
[Heh. Gotta cram all the characters I can ;p
Hilbert worked at the controls. "Transmission's shot Ma'am. It's not good. I think I can get this thing down with no power, though." Within the right domain of velocity and altitude a helicopter can glide and land with some survivability. The decent turns the unpowered rotor blades which generate enough lift to slow the fall to what can be safe levels. The turning of the main rotor also turns the tail rotor which maintains stability. The line bounding this domain was affectionately known as the "Curve of Death".
To me, I think Hilbert should include the description of the "curve of death as part of his talking, it would seem more natural.
[No. It makes no sense for him to belabor the point and babble while he tries to land it.
[That's too fake. It would be like people explaining their attacks in the middle of a fight.
His right arm hung uselessly at his side, nothing more than a broken, bleeding mass of meat.
You do like using meat, though there's more to an arm than that... out of curiosity, why not muscle and bones, or some other way of description?
[When preceded by "mass of" I did not want to use more than one word.
[Mass gives a feeling of homogenaity and having a list of items being a mass sounds worse to me.
[I suppose I could have used flesh instead, but that also falls into the same problem of ignoring the bones.
Ranma smiled at the pleasure the energy the kills gave her and rushed into the three men who had held their ground. She kept her aura and shadows up. Men with automatic weapons were more of a threat to her than rockets. She could take out a handful of attacks, but a concentrated and sustained volley of fire would be troubling.
Too many "the's" in the first sentence.
[Agreeded. Not sure how to rephrase it to use fewer though.
The succubus' hair was now a very rich and deep shade of red and fell to her butt in a very full bodied and almost animated wave. Her tresses seemed to move to conflicting eddies of wind and force.
Seems like too much of an overly scientific way of saying that her hair's being moved about by both wind and power.....
[I was attempting to say tha ther hair was moving about by more than just the wind.
Nodoka smiled her daughter's new style was quite lovely. "You two going to have fun?"
Kasumi nodded as Ranma nuzzled the taller teen.
"Have fun you two," Nodoka smiled. She called the agents in the APC to help her load the weapons. Her daughter would not be the only one with a busy night.
Two have fun's so close kind of grates....
[Yeah, Nodoka can just say: Have a good time you two
After finishing her set, Ranma slid off of the tiny stage and eased up to the wayward Senshi. "You've got a lot of guts waltzing in here," Ranma then ordered a drink. "Your mistress give you the night off?" she mockingly asked while sipping.
Another instance of talking going right to actions without the inbetween, there are a couple more I've noted as I've been reading.
[yeah should just have a period after "in here"
Ranma sipped her drink and studied Mercury's face. It was clear and controlled but fear still radiated from her. "Oh I dunno." Ranma smiled warmly at the memory of Usagi's bloody visage. The princess had potential. That hug was really good too.
Comma....I'm not trying to nitpick, but for some reason, I'm just catching them.......
[No problem. I really don't mind nitpicking. There's nothing wrong with spotting errors. I apreciate it.
"That's the spirit!" Ranma stretched her shoulders. "I mean what's the point of having it and not have fun with it."
Question mark, perhaps?
[Yup
"Makes you think doesn't it?" Ranma asked as she finished her own drink.
Comma, perhaps?
[correct.
"My pleasure," Ranma nodded. "Oh, don't do anything too rash, kid. I don't think you want to push Usagi to the edge."
"Don't worry I know exactly what I'm doing," Mercury laughed gently and turned around. She walked out of the bar and passed an orange-haired demon who simply glared amusingly at her.
I doubt it.
[heh. doubt that Ami knows what she's doing?
And why is Ranma referring to Mercury as kid? Yes, Darkstar's much older, but Ranma's the same age...unless her memories are actively influencing her more than I've read into....
[Nariko and Nabiki are older than Ranma and she thinks of them as daughters.
[Ranma sees Ami as less experiences and thus "kid"
Kasumi cut her off. "No, you can't. You're a sappy demon Mommy. You don't do casual."
Mommy? Seems a little out of place, even with a sort of breakdown....
[Kasumi used it for emphasis.
"How, nice of you," Ranma half-cried; she paused to keep her emotions under control. "I guess... it's good that you don't want to string me along."
Odd here.
Delete the comma, perhaps, and add something to the Ranma half-cried, it's another of those talking to action thingies....which, obviously, I've forgotten the name of.
[Well cried can be a form of speach too.
[As in "I've got to get out of here," Bill cried.
Ranma looked up from her own sorrow and saw her father for who he truly was: a misguided, greedy, and lazy man, but he was not a monster. He was a sad man. "I..."
Problems here with the colon usage, then switching to "but he was not." And the sentence immediately after is too...short. It doesn't _really_ give us insight into Genma the way I think you're trying to come across as it is now.
[hmmm not sure what to do here.
"Thanks," Ranma smiled weakly. "If my girls wake up, tell them I just went to see, Mom."
Unneccesary comma.
[yup.
After hearing her daughter's crying lessen, Nodoka picked up the brush and went to work. She was surprised to find the hair... responding to the brushing. Almost expectantly, it moved into the brushing. Nodoka smiled and resumed the strokes.
Brushing twice in two sentences.
[yah, can change one.
Hmm....I like the way this chapter ends. Though it's sad, it leaves a lot of potential for the opening of the next chapter.
[Thanks.
[I really think you guys will like the next installment.
I'll bring up Ranma's "femme"ness in a bit, I've got to run some errands.
[Cool looking forward to it.
[You really did alot here. This is great.
As an end-note, bringing up recollections of previous chapters, I kind of see that your way of writing does involve the talking directly moving to actions, and it's probably just your style, but I'm not certain. I'm confused due to the commas after the talking, perhaps if they were periods?
[Yup, they should be periods.
[Yeah I don't like having ["I'm going to the store," Frank said as he got up.] when I could have ["I'm going to the store." Frank then got up.]
