The Dark Lords of Nerima, Chapter Eleven [R/SM cross]

[Spokavriel]

You mentioned Chuckles. I didn't really get one from the Mid Fight speech more an Oh Brother groan. IF you really want to break the Tension Mousse has been classic comic relief for a while. Who else is still at the U-chan for him to interract with? Maybe something with him would be too much and completely diffuse the tension which you clearly didn't want to do with how your wrote that Ukyo scene but it could also be another option.

[claymade]

You mentioned Chuckles. I didn't really get one from the Mid Fight speech more an Oh Brother groan. IF you really want to break the Tension Mousse has been classic comic relief for a while. Who else is still at the U-chan for him to interract with? Maybe something with him would be too much and completely diffuse the tension which you clearly didn't want to do with how your wrote that Ukyo scene but it could also be another option.

You're right that I don't want to totally negate the tension. I was just hoping to temper it slightly in that Sailor Moon scene--not so much the speech, but some of the earlier stuff, like the panic-dodging and going through the door the wrong way. Maybe "chuckles" was too strong a word, but I had thought it carried things on a moderately lighter note.

Either way, I don't see mitigating the tension to be as much of a necessity as breaking up the fight-pace. It's not a bad thing, necessarily, but not as crucial, either, and I definitely wouldn't want to do it overly, which would be a real danger.

Also don't think I'd want to go with Mousse for the scene, since he'd be pretty much a total non sequitir at this point--at least with Ukyo, it's keeping alive a plot thread that will play into this scenario in the future.

[Spokavriel]

It would be a non-sequeter but Mousse does have to wake up eventually. He takes allot and I'm not sure how long a Spat bash would keep him down. If you used two scenes instead of just one. The Mousse tension kill moment followed by what you already have for Ukyo to ramp it back up the pair might make a better break and still leave people in the right mood at the end to get back into it.

[juandelacruz]

Hmm... How about going with Luna instead of Ukyou? You could have her trying to get back into the fight and/or looking for Sailor Moon.

[claymade]

Well, my preference is to keep Luna out, since I don't want her getting back into the fight, and having a scene with her waking up would definitely foreshadow that. I couldn't get a Mousse scene that I really liked either, so I ended up just going with the Ukyo scene, although I tried to tone down the drama a touch.

Hopefully, it'll work...

Anyway, thanks very much for all the suggestions!

[Spokavriel]

Welcome. And I was thinking it was a bit soon for Luna too. After all she's not a Martial artist and she hit that rooftop Air Conditioner a bit hard.