The Return ch16

[Adyen]

I posted a review on ff.net, but I HATE the review format there, so I'm going to review it here.

"Maybe... we should... private?" Usagi's stumbling sequence of words appeared to end in a question.
"Uh, let's try the store," Ranma said.

I'm surprised Ranma didn't make a joke here.

Usagi's eyes hardened. "I'm going to free them and punish Murdock."

I know this line was intentionally vague, but I think it needs more impact. Maybe have Ranma ask what she means, or something more... defining?

"Ami could have strung us along on that Mistress Lyra scheme. Rei still thinks Ami's being controlled by Lyra." Usagi's voice became frantic.

It's rather interesting now that I think back to that vision. So the woman would actually be Ami - or Ranma, now that she's got long hair.

"I was just following a lead. Minako was the one that connected Ami to a super villain." Ranma put her own boots back on. "And it was Ami who said 'Hell with this' and revealed herself."
"Well, thank you anyway." Usagi hesitated.

Hmm. It seems that Usagi isn't catching some of the hints...

"Well... I..." Usagi was at a loss. How come a predatory brood mother could relate to these girls, but someone as straightforward as a magical princess could not?

Because you're as straightforwards as a magical pretzle. You can twist into infinity as long as you don't follow the path straight.
Also their problem isn't as big as yours. >_>

"Maybe I should take out Murdock first. Break the control." Usagi's hands clenched.
"Looks like the princess has some anger in her after all." Ranma smirked. "And that's a great idea. Take him out and the rest would be easier."

Of course, that's assuming if Murdock is the one who's actually pulling the strings... I find it interesting that Ranma is running with that assumption as well.

"Sometimes you really are your mother's daughter."
Usagi's gaze softened. "I know. I'm afraid."
"Really? Why?" Ranma stretched.

I'm interested in that question as well. Why is she afraid? Is she afraid that she'd do things her mother would do? Or is she afraid of getting herself into the situation? Afraid that more people would 'betray' her?

"Yes," Orion eyed the comfortable and unadorned high-backed chair. She had expected a more foreboding structure, but upon reflection Orion reevaluated her view. Mistress Mercury would never be one to rely on some piece of furniture to prove her status.

Ok, the whole Mistress Mercury thing was just done over the top, in my opinion. Even if she's trying to set herself up as evil, wouldn't, as said in that paragraph, she dispense with such... stereotypes? Or is that something kinky they're doing?
I'm also doubting Janet's ability to place bugs in all the public areas that they may or may not be going to (I'm not talking about knowing where they're going, but rather which building they go in or whatnot), simply because of actual costs of creating such a bug and amount they can make within a day.

"I think DarkStar would approve," Orion remarked. Virgo did make a good objet d'art. The icy glaze that kept the presentation in position added a new layer to the piece.
"Are you sure?" Mercury frowned. "She prefers more... visceral punishments." She stood up and walked the short distance, her heels clicking on the floor.
"Visceral?" Orion asked, puzzling over the term's use. "She does like organs and is a more emotional and instinctual creature."
Mercury smiled thinly. "That and her enemies have the pleasure of being eviscerated as they're being eaten, of course."

Except that she's proven to the senshi that she's willing to dispense mercy in the many different ways such as killing an enemy before eating...

"I'm the youngest of five sisters." Nabiki paused and wondered how exactly to play this. Glancing at the bored students before her, she made her decision. "My favorite color's pink. I'm studying my family history now. Many mark my mother as a monster. Mainly malevolent misfits that must meet their maker."

I thought Nabiki didn't want to intimidate all the kids... Big words and long sentences tends to do that, though.

It was only after he had slipped into the front passenger seat of the van and it had driven off that Agnew realized something. The redhead who had easily lifted Nabiki off her feet was almost the exact same height as her daughter.

The last sentence is too vague. Is it Ranma that's almost the same height as 'her' daughter? Or is it the same height as the teacher's daughter? In context, it would read as the teacher's daughter, as it's written from from Agnew's PoV, but the noun there isn't her due to being a new sentence.

"That it's way too easy and none of those pathetic meat-bags are worthy to touch the glorious flesh of someone from this family?"

I like! Been taking lessons from HK-47?

There was a slight buzzing in the back of her head. It faded and she dismissed it.

Strangely, I find this out of character at this point of time (well, more like the fact that she still didn't react after the second time it happened), especially with how serious Ranma is at protecting her brood.
I'm still amused at how Happosai did a turn-about from the musings of the last chapter to this one... but considering what Ranma and her brood are, it's not really surprising...

The thermal visuals from base did not do it justice.

I'm not quite sure why this was included... I'm also wondering why they wouldn't have normal visuals as well.

Fast, predatory grace defined her daughter's powerful moves, but her diminutive opponent was even nimbler. The small figure was even more difficult to track.

Maybe "but her diminutive opponent was even nimblier and difficult to track with the naked eye."? Though if he's difficult to track, one has to wonder where she saw the visuals before as SOMEONE has to be tracking them to record the images.

Ranma used the opportunity and tried to grapple him to the ground, but he wormed out of her grip.

I'd use something else other than 'he' for this. It just sounds ackwards with 'he'.

"So Genma did take you on that training trip," Happosai remarked.

This implies that Happosai knew about Genma's plans, as well an idea on where he got cursed. Though obviously Ranma was not a she or a demon at the time...

"I wouldn't want to be touched by a wrinkled old man," Akane commented.
Ranma tilted her head. "You know Happi, I think Akane volunteered for the next sparring match."
Happosai smirked. "I like the way you think, Red."
"Training shouldn't be a cakewalk. So you decided to track Genma down? What'd you do, find out where Drake was living?"
"Not exactly," Happosai said as he sized up Akane.
"Mom?" Akane asked.

I feel you need a bit more description from Akane other than just those bland words. Maybe describe Akane's feelings a bit more?

"You monster!" Rei accused.
Mercury sighed and turned to the Senshi. "Only one of you had the sense to transform?"

Which you downplayed by using Rei's name.

Behind her smirk she wondered. The fans would hold up; they were designed to take much more than this.

Wonder what?

"What did you do?" Moon demanded as she marched forward.

MY question is, what were YOU doing. You have a bloody tiara attack, so why aren't you USING it, even though you managed to switch tactics fast enough last time?

The corseted Senshi chuckled and then walked to Venus. "Bondage does suit her," she said kneeling down.

Silly Venus, if she just discontinued her attack, her own energy chains would disappear. Always happened when she gets distracted and doesn't concentrate on it, so why not now?
I could see more than a few uses for Venus. Besides any unknown potentials in the fic, if she can convince Venus that it's the best for the Princess, she might actually gain an ally. And Venus would likely be the hardest to convince due to the fact that she is allow independant action from Princess (like when she was doing her Sailor V thing)

"Even though I've ended up fighting enemies alone, it's the love of my friends that keeps me going," Moon said as she confidently strode forward.

That... is surprisingly out of context in this situation. Usagi's more of a "Even if my friends aren't with me (because they've been captured/killed/brainwashed), I'll still save them and do my best" type of person.

Mercury ended the embrace. "Maybe later then." She smirked at Venus' fearful expression. "Let's go girls."
As the trio made their way to the door, Moon took half a step forward. She hesitated and then stepped backwards. The last she heard from Mercury was her thanking Virgo for her work. The blonde then fell to the floor and with twitching fingers managed to call Setsuna on her communicator.

I'm not sure whether they released Venus or took her with them - later on Setsuna mentions that Mercury listened to Usagi's orders, but it makes no mention of Minako either way. Unless you're making it intentionally vague, you should clarify it one way or another.

Ranma's suggestion that she go as Nabiki

You're missing the later half of the sentence. Or a period.
I'll give the rest of me review later. Gotta go to bed.

[Druid]

Whoah, these last couple chapters have been... interesting.
I know I have said this before, but normally, I avoid, Ranma becomes a girl in mind and body, fics like the plague. They're usually so forced, unbelieveable, and fake they're just not worth reading. Not to mention a general dislike for the entire concept. Yet, despite that you've had me hooked on this one from day one, and even now with Ranma being as she is, I love it.
One thing that came to mind in relation to another person's comments, as to the aparent rapidity of Ranma's changeover to who she is now, is time. Yes outside influences, primary among them being her kids, accelerated things, but how much time in story has passed? It's hard to keep track, particularly in light of the random periodic nature of the story's publication as it were.
It seems to me, that Ranma was willfully blind to the hints that Kasumi was giving her, although I can't really blame her if that is the case.
Ami plans ahead, has a clear goal in mind, and how she means to achieve said goals, but yet at the same time seems unsure. Of the entire chapter her scenes were the most jarring in her control, and her uncertainties. This not a bad thing, and I may be reading too much into what I read, but it's certaily interesting.
Thank you for a good chapter, and a good time.

[Adyen]

"So yeah there's no band tonight," Ukyou sighed as she slid back into the booth. "The drummer found out that the bass player was sleeping with his girlfriend, the lead singer."
"Isn't tonight's band the Discount Auto Parts?" Sam asked.
"Yeah."
"Well the bass player's a girl too."

So, the question becomes, "Can I join in as well?"

Rebus nodded. "We'll keep at it. Someone had to have seen something, or someone will show up missing. We've got blood samples to match."

It would be real sloppy on the Company or Mercury's part if those were the blood of any of the senshi.

"Of course, Shampoo's probably a better marital artist than all of you combined, tenacious too. Then there's Janet, bright girl."

That comma definately should be something else.

But that's not enough, the other's aren't enough either.

Maybe "...not enough and the others..." instead of a comma?

"Usagi'll make the right choice." Ranma smirked. "Or not."

Yes, she'll follow her vision and become Ranma's mate. Wonder if that's the right or left choice.

"And it's quite nice, she's a lucky girl, Kasumi too."

I assume 'she' is Setsuna, but maybe "; Kasumi too"?
This time, work. *sigh*

[Sunshine Temple]

Wow. Some long comments. Great.
I replied to Druid and both of Adyen's posts in this one

Whoah, these last couple chapters have been... interesting.

Thanks ^_^

I know I have said this before, but normally, I avoid, Ranma becomes a girl in mind and body, fics like the plague. They're usually so forced, unbelieveable, and fake they're just not worth reading. Not to mention a general dislike for the entire concept. Yet, despite that you've had me hooked on this one from day one, and even now with Ranma being as she is, I love it.

My dislike of the status quo of Ranma as a girl fics was a major reason that I started writing myself. I really apreciate that you like it, even with a bias against the feild

One thing that came to mind in relation to another person's comments, as to the aparent rapidity of Ranma's changeover to who she is now, is time. Yes outside influences, primary among them being her kids, accelerated things, but how much time in story has passed? It's hard to keep track, particularly in light of the random periodic nature of the story's publication as it were.

It's been a few months. Part of the timing is kept deliberate.

It seems to me, that Ranma was willfully blind to the hints that Kasumi was giving her, although I can't really blame her if that is the case.

Yah, Ranma wanted to hold onto it.

Ami plans ahead, has a clear goal in mind, and how she means to achieve said goals, but yet at the same time seems unsure. Of the entire chapter her scenes were the most jarring in her control, and her uncertainties. This not a bad thing, and I may be reading too much into what I read, but it's certaily interesting.

Yes, Ami has a plan but there is a difference between planing training and execution. She's still green.
Jarring in her control and undertianties?

Thank you for a good chapter, and a good time.

You're welcome.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
[Nice, Adyen
I posted a review on ff.net, but I HATE the review format there, so I'm going to review it here.
[Yes it is an annoying system. Especially for long reviews.

"Maybe... we should... private?" Usagi's stumbling sequence of words appeared to end in a question.
"Uh, let's try the store," Ranma said.

I'm surprised Ranma didn't make a joke here.
[... yeah she could have. Maybe Ranma was being tactful?
[Hmmm

Usagi's eyes hardened. "I'm going to free them and punish Murdock."

I know this line was intentionally vague, but I think it needs more impact. Maybe have Ranma ask what she means, or something more... defining?
[At the very least more force behind Usagi's words

"Ami could have strung us along on that Mistress Lyra scheme. Rei still thinks Ami's being controlled by Lyra." Usagi's voice became frantic.

It's rather interesting now that I think back to that vision. So the woman would actually be Ami - or Ranma, now that she's got long hair.
[Visions are great fun.
[Yeah, Ranma does have longer hair now.

"I was just following a lead. Minako was the one that connected Ami to a super villain." Ranma put her own boots back on. "And it was Ami who said 'Hell with this' and revealed herself."
"Well, thank you anyway." Usagi hesitated.

Hmm. It seems that Usagi isn't catching some of the hints...
[No, she's not. Usagi can be a bit thick.

"Well... I..." Usagi was at a loss. How come a predatory brood mother could relate to these girls, but someone as straightforward as a magical princess could not?

Because you're as straightforwards as a magical pretzle. You can twist into infinity as long as you don't follow the path straight.
[Heh, ^_^
[Where Ranma is straightforward to a fault.
Also their problem isn't as big as yours. >_>
[Yah, Ranma already defeated Alexia.

"Maybe I should take out Murdock first. Break the control." Usagi's hands clenched.
"Looks like the princess has some anger in her after all." Ranma smirked. "And that's a great idea. Take him out and the rest would be easier."

Of course, that's assuming if Murdock is the one who's actually pulling the strings... I find it interesting that Ranma is running with that assumption as well.
[Ranma knows Murdock is up to something, and she's going from what Janet implied. That Murdock was the one to turn them.
[So she's making an assumption. If Ranma were the one in Usagi's shoes she would not make such a large assumption.

"Sometimes you really are your mother's daughter."
Usagi's gaze softened. "I know. I'm afraid."
"Really? Why?" Ranma stretched.

I'm interested in that question as well. Why is she afraid? Is she afraid that she'd do things her mother would do? Or is she afraid of getting herself into the situation? Afraid that more people would 'betray' her?
[It's all three, really.
[And it's great that you caught them

"Yes," Orion eyed the comfortable and unadorned high-backed chair. She had expected a more foreboding structure, but upon reflection Orion reevaluated her view. Mistress Mercury would never be one to rely on some piece of furniture to prove her status.

Ok, the whole Mistress Mercury thing was just done over the top, in my opinion. Even if she's trying to set herself up as evil, wouldn't, as said in that paragraph, she dispense with such... stereotypes? Or is that something kinky they're doing?
[It's kinky really.
[It's fun for her to do all the trappings.
I'm also doubting Janet's ability to place bugs in all the public areas that they may or may not be going to (I'm not talking about knowing where they're going, but rather which building they go in or whatnot), simply because of actual costs of creating such a bug and amount they can make within a day.
[Yup, only reason they did this was because they knew where to place it.

"I think DarkStar would approve," Orion remarked. Virgo did make a good objet d'art. The icy glaze that kept the presentation in position added a new layer to the piece.
"Are you sure?" Mercury frowned. "She prefers more... visceral punishments." She stood up and walked the short distance, her heels clicking on the floor.
"Visceral?" Orion asked, puzzling over the term's use. "She does like organs and is a more emotional and instinctual creature."
Mercury smiled thinly. "That and her enemies have the pleasure of being eviscerated as they're being eaten, of course."

Except that she's proven to the senshi that she's willing to dispense mercy in the many different ways such as killing an enemy before eating...
[Yah, Ranma can be merciful in her feeding, or not.

"I'm the youngest of five sisters." Nabiki paused and wondered how exactly to play this. Glancing at the bored students before her, she made her decision. "My favorite color's pink. I'm studying my family history now. Many mark my mother as a monster. Mainly malevolent misfits that must meet their maker."

I thought Nabiki didn't want to intimidate all the kids... Big words and long sentences tends to do that, though.
[She still wanted to show off.

It was only after he had slipped into the front passenger seat of the van and it had driven off that Agnew realized something. The redhead who had easily lifted Nabiki off her feet was almost the exact same height as her daughter.

The last sentence is too vague. Is it Ranma that's almost the same height as 'her' daughter? Or is it the same height as the teacher's daughter? In context, it would read as the teacher's daughter, as it's written from from Agnew's PoV, but the noun there isn't her due to being a new sentence.
[Well "the redhead" is the subjet of the sentance and from just the context of the sentance "her daughter" can only mean Ranma's daughter.
[But since the POV is from the teacher there is the implication that it is the teacher's daughter.
[Troubling.

"That it's way too easy and none of those pathetic meat-bags are worthy to touch the glorious flesh of someone from this family?"

I like! Been taking lessons from HK-47?
[Heh, maybe.
[He is just about the only StarWars character that didn't annoy me.

There was a slight buzzing in the back of her head. It faded and she dismissed it.

Strangely, I find this out of character at this point of time (well, more like the fact that she still didn't react after the second time it happened), especially with how serious Ranma is at protecting her brood.
[Yes, I'll have to tweak this to make Ranma notice it.
[Maybe she calls Maya after the 2nd buzz instead of gettign a call.
I'm still amused at how Happosai did a turn-about from the musings of the last chapter to this one... but considering what Ranma and her brood are, it's not really surprising...
[Yah. Happi got some very nice surpirses when he arived.

The thermal visuals from base did not do it justice.

I'm not quite sure why this was included... I'm also wondering why they wouldn't have normal visuals as well.
[Good point. I'll have to rework that.

Fast, predatory grace defined her daughter's powerful moves, but her diminutive opponent was even nimbler. The small figure was even more difficult to track.

Maybe "but her diminutive opponent was even nimblier and difficult to track with the naked eye."? Though if he's difficult to track, one has to wonder where she saw the visuals before as SOMEONE has to be tracking them to record the images.
[Well if it was just a thermal or a visual of the whole building then there is no need to specifically track him. Good point though. Another revision

Ranma used the opportunity and tried to grapple him to the ground, but he wormed out of her grip.

I'd use something else other than 'he' for this. It just sounds ackwards with 'he'.
[Agreeded.

"So Genma did take you on that training trip," Happosai remarked.

This implies that Happosai knew about Genma's plans, as well an idea on where he got cursed. Though obviously Ranma was not a she or a demon at the time...
[Yes, but Ranma's still a martial artist living with the Tendo's, so that much of Genma's plan worked.

"I wouldn't want to be touched by a wrinkled old man," Akane commented.
Ranma tilted her head. "You know Happi, I think Akane volunteered for the next sparring match."
Happosai smirked. "I like the way you think, Red."
"Training shouldn't be a cakewalk. So you decided to track Genma down? What'd you do, find out where Drake was living?"
"Not exactly," Happosai said as he sized up Akane.
"Mom?" Akane asked.

I feel you need a bit more description from Akane other than just those bland words. Maybe describe Akane's feelings a bit more?
[Good idea. Explore her feelings on this.

"You monster!" Rei accused.
Mercury sighed and turned to the Senshi. "Only one of you had the sense to transform?"

Which you downplayed by using Rei's name.
[I'll have to check with the conventions of that scene. That's probably a mistake and it should be Mars.

Behind her smirk she wondered. The fans would hold up; they were designed to take much more than this.

Wonder what?
[wondered about Rei's power
[another revision

"What did you do?" Moon demanded as she marched forward.

MY question is, what were YOU doing. You have a bloody tiara attack, so why aren't you USING it, even though you managed to switch tactics fast enough last time?
[Moon was shocked and stood back.
[Hmm... will have to fix that some.

The corseted Senshi chuckled and then walked to Venus. "Bondage does suit her," she said kneeling down.

Silly Venus, if she just discontinued her attack, her own energy chains would disappear. Always happened when she gets distracted and doesn't concentrate on it, so why not now?
[Venus has been tied up with her own chains before.
[Embarassing really, since she can dispell them.
I could see more than a few uses for Venus. Besides any unknown potentials in the fic, if she can convince Venus that it's the best for the Princess, she might actually gain an ally. And Venus would likely be the hardest to convince due to the fact that she is allow independant action from Princess (like when she was doing her Sailor V thing)
[Yup. Those are some of the reasons for an interest in Venus.

"Even though I've ended up fighting enemies alone, it's the love of my friends that keeps me going," Moon said as she confidently strode forward.

That... is surprisingly out of context in this situation. Usagi's more of a "Even if my friends aren't with me (because they've been captured/killed/brainwashed), I'll still save them and do my best" type of person.
[Hmm, that is kind of what I was going for with that statement.
[Odd.

Mercury ended the embrace. "Maybe later then." She smirked at Venus' fearful expression. "Let's go girls."
As the trio made their way to the door, Moon took half a step forward. She hesitated and then stepped backwards. The last she heard from Mercury was her thanking Virgo for her work. The blonde then fell to the floor and with twitching fingers managed to call Setsuna on her communicator.

I'm not sure whether they released Venus or took her with them - later on Setsuna mentions that Mercury listened to Usagi's orders, but it makes no mention of Minako either way. Unless you're making it intentionally vague, you should clarify it one way or another.
[Released Venus.
[I am being intentionally vauge, but I wonder if that is hurting the chapter.

Ranma's suggestion that she go as Nabiki

You're missing the later half of the sentence. Or a period.
[Yah, thanks.
I'll give the rest of me review later. Gotta go to bed.
[Thanks alot. This is some great and detailed stuff.
[I've got quite a lot of revisions from you so far.
[Shame I've gotta wait until I get home from work to make them.
[Nice. Even more from you.

"So yeah there's no band tonight," Ukyou sighed as she slid back into the booth. "The drummer found out that the bass player was sleeping with his girlfriend, the lead singer."
"Isn't tonight's band the Discount Auto Parts?" Sam asked.
"Yeah."
"Well the bass player's a girl too."

So, the question becomes, "Can I join in as well?"
[Heh, dunno why people think that all pairs of girls that are friends are lesbians... just becaues they hang out with other lesbians.

Rebus nodded. "We'll keep at it. Someone had to have seen something, or someone will show up missing. We've got blood samples to match."

It would be real sloppy on the Company or Mercury's part if those were the blood of any of the senshi.
[Not so much Mercury really.
[And if the blood will make things dificult if more is found later, and if the blood was connected to fingerprints and other stuff.

"Of course, Shampoo's probably a better marital artist than all of you combined, tenacious too. Then there's Janet, bright girl."

That comma definately should be something else.
[ok.

But that's not enough, the other's aren't enough either.

Maybe "...not enough and the others..." instead of a comma?
[yah, that works.

"Usagi'll make the right choice." Ranma smirked. "Or not."

Yes, she'll follow her vision and become Ranma's mate. Wonder if that's the right or left choice.
[right as in correct and left as in sinister?

"And it's quite nice, she's a lucky girl, Kasumi too."

I assume 'she' is Setsuna, but maybe "; Kasumi too"?
[yes
[though no semicolon there.
This time, work. *sigh*
[I know what you mean.
[Thanks alot for the comments. I'm really looking forward to the rest.

[ranger5]

Let's see. Overall a good chapter. I was sorry to see Kasumi breaking up with Ranma -- but not totally unexpected (expecially given how Kasumi seems to be a bit emotionally "dead" (comments by prior lover).
I think Ranma's emotionality (is that a word (g)) would be a turn off. That and to "fully" connect her mate really needs to be a succubus. (or so I've gleaned from prior chapters -- whether or not that is correct (shrugs)).
A few notes.
40mm grenades have a minimum range issue to deal with. Unfortunately it's been way to long since my Marine Reserve days and I don't remember what that limit is) I'm wanting to say 20 meters (before the rounds "arm". -- but that's just a guess. Then only exception is the "shotgun" round which has a maximum range issue to deal with. You may want to look that up and have it be an issue --- or given their regen capacity take that out. But even that would have repercussions.
It will give a nice mixture of rounds to choose from --- but switching between them will be a problem. Given the possibility for custom guns I'd probably recommend a semi-auto with a box of 6 rounds. Then each magazine could have different rounds ... use depending on need. It would be a lot smaller than the full size piece -- though total carrying capacity would be an issue for reloads. Course most engagements wouldn't really require a lot of rounds to be fired. Now if they would learn "hidden weapons" a lot of those issues would go away.
Otherwise I liked the chapter as a whole, & since others have looked at grammer and structure a lot I'll skip that part.

[Sunshine Temple]

Let's see. Overall a good chapter. I was sorry to see Kasumi breaking up with Ranma -- but not totally unexpected (expecially given how Kasumi seems to be a bit emotionally "dead" (comments by prior lover).

Thanks. Yeah Kasumi does have some emotional issues.
Good that you're sorry to see it but not totally unsurprised by it.

I think Ranma's emotionality (is that a word (g)) would be a turn off. That and to "fully" connect her mate really needs to be a succubus. (or so I've gleaned from prior chapters -- whether or not that is correct (shrugs)).

Yeah, one is emotinally dead the other is very emotional.
The mate issue is another thing too ;p

A few notes.
40mm grenades have a minimum range issue to deal with. Unfortunately it's been way to long since my Marine Reserve days and I don't remember what that limit is) I'm wanting to say 20 meters (before the rounds "arm". -- but that's just a guess. Then only exception is the "shotgun" round which has a maximum range issue to deal with. You may want to look that up and have it be an issue --- or given their regen capacity take that out. But even that would have repercussions.

Min and max range are issues.
That is something to cover as Misako uses the weapon more.

It will give a nice mixture of rounds to choose from --- but switching between them will be a problem. Given the possibility for custom guns I'd probably recommend a semi-auto with a box of 6 rounds. Then each magazine could have different rounds ... use depending on need. It would be a lot smaller than the full size piece -- though total carrying capacity would be an issue for reloads. Course most engagements wouldn't really require a lot of rounds to be fired. Now if they would learn "hidden weapons" a lot of those issues would go away.

Yup, part of why that weapn was chosen is the nice mix of stock amunition .
That is a good idea for the easy change of types.
This is the first version so Nodoka can keep modifying it.
The weapon is currently pretty stock.

Otherwise I liked the chapter as a whole, & since others have looked at grammer and structure a lot I'll skip that part.

Thanks. Glad you enjoy it. Always happy when I'm able to draw you out of lurking ;p

[Raneko]

Ranma better watch out for talent scouts.

[Sunshine Temple]

Ranma better watch out for talent scouts.

For her singing?
Her voice is very compelling.
But too much work and publicity.

[Raneko]

For her singing?
Her voice is very compelling.
But too much work and publicity.

I know but her having to fend off scouts would be hilarious.

[Sunshine Temple]

I know but her having to fend off scouts would be hilarious.

Yes it would. She can say she's too busy with her kids to have another career.
Also she's most effective in a live venue. Just hearing her sing (even adding sight) isn't the full experience ;p

[Nadrek]

[Heh, you act like everything on a succubus is a combination of weapon and sexual aide ;p
[Exactly. Ami knows how bright she is and how, relatively, strong. So she needs to have Janet help keep her grounded. Which Janet is perfectly fine with.
[It was bound to happen, given their diet and training.
[Standard stuff. Though with Alexia gone a major source of minion/style patterns has dried up.

What, it's not? AFAIK, the appendix is what lets them create fireballs.
'given their diet' - ha!
What, without Alexia, there have been no more Pattern D's for WIC to deal with... worldwide???
Though we also really should see a Pattern D of another species at some point soon, if only for variety and to see how intra-demon politics works - how do other demon species regard succubi?
On re-reading:
Usagi still doesn't get demons, or professionals - 'didn't try to fight each other', indeed. Kasumi said it much better, when telling Kodachi that's it's a good encounter when they're not eating your liver. Ami does get demons and professionals, though I'm waiting for the tentative 'so, you think I'd be tasty?' crack.
Setsuna really isn't with it, talking about the Main Senshi doing 'this' longer, saving the world more times, and I really don't see what hardships the Senshi faced that Ranma hasn't. Doing it longer and 'saving the world' more times aren't qualifications, when taken from a long-time amateur photographer vs. a professional photographer, for instance. You can do things badly many times, and just keep doing them badly.
Setsuna's comments about not relating to 'the common soldier', and easily relating to people with hereditary titles - military or not - says a lot about her, about what she wants, and about what she thinks Crystal Tokyo should be. All bad - she should read the Belisarius series.
Sam and Naoko seem to be genuine friends of Ranma's... and also seem to know much more than they let on.
"objet d'art" - object
Ahh, re-reading is good. I wonder if Ami's 'caster' is up to par with the AoM's staves.
Ranma's initial response to the unknown [Happosai] in the dojo was careless - the shadows should have built before she walked over there.
"nearly minute of rummaging" - nearly a minute
"the stone to" - stones
"to knock out Venus's left foot" - to knock Venus's left foot out from under her, if you insist on using "knock" in two different contexts so close together.
Interesting... Ami's icicle attack, as used on the Main Senshi, doesn't hold a patch on Nabiki's.
"I thought so," Mercury smirked. It was satisfying to see a plan come together. - yep, there's the foreshadowed enjoyment of proving how smart she [Ami] is.
Regarding another reviewer's comments on Ami's fans being designed to take more punishment, while I don't see indications that this is part of a 'normal' powerup, the original powerups were designed by some entity at some time, just like modern creations.
"Mar's chin" - apostrophe placement. Also, Ami pulled her closer... to hit with a knee, Ami's jumping, or on higher ground, or pulled Rei _down_ and closer.
Ranma's face valiantly tried to pale - funny.
Ok, now for the battle. Be warned, I'm going to hammer your combat scene, because at the level of detail you're providing, I expect it to make sense to me, and I want it up to par with the rest of the fic, which is excellent.
I'm not aware of any MANPADS that are radar guided, and thus the missiles should have been decoyed by flares if IR, and perhaps smoke if they were laser guided, which is fairly rare except for combined anti-tank anti-chopper weapons, like the Vikhr (crew-served or vehicle) series. If they were a major vehicle, or a vehicle linked to a separate radar unit, that's different, but vehicles weren't mentioned, and a fire control radar is a whole different level than the man-portable units we've seen so far. It's also highly likely to draw major military attention.
Note: Looks like either non-Pattern scouts, or they were fooling WIC's scanners, as they were 5km out from the pattern they'd detected and closing when they were attacked from 2km away.
Yes, yes, autorotation. Succubus flight would be safer.
But... if they trained for it, then why did Ranma have to take the time (and risk getting hit several more times) to verbally give out assignments... and why did she call it "the thing" - talking would have taken seconds.
Also important: Hilbert spoke for a bit, instead of focussing on landing? That's not time for a calm lecture - I disagree completely with the reviewer who said the autorotation explanation should come from the pilot... while they're crashing.
If you prefer Ranma micromanaging the rescue in a crashing chopper while under fire... "Akane other gunner" - the other
When the succubae (sp?) jumped out... why not use their wings to accelerate _towards_ the ground, instead of being lazy and just trying to fall faster at first... staying right next to a big target which is actively being shot at with area effect weapons?
Likewise... why pull out and away (sounds lesuirely), making targets of themselves for longer? Sure, don't fly straight, but get down to cover, return fire, or both? I'd want to kill the horizontal vector as much as practical, and let the chopper's path take it away from me if there's cover to be found that'll protect from the chopper's crash itself.
Note: No return fire from the Brood Senshi, not even eyebeams if you assume hands are occupied and required for fireballs. Not even return fire from the door gunners prior to being hit... or after being hit, for that matter.

"increased her descent" - the speed of her descent
A MK 19 crew served - this is very awkward as the start of a new sentence.
On the Mk 19/40mm grenade launchers - unreliable reports would put minimum range at 225 ft, which is an incredible range for Lindemann to have hit a human sized target at with a pistol (sidearm, to me, implies handgun). Even a Mk203 would, unreliably, have a 100 ft minimum range, which is quite doable with a handgun for an expert on a non-moving target... at the range, without being shot at, and without a broken ankle after jumping out of a crashing helicopter. The ranges here are inconsistent - if the Mk 19 is in use, you're almost certainly at rifle, not pistol, range, if not expert rifle range. Unless, of course, Misako was using the Mk 19 at absolute minimum direct fire range, and the M433 unreliably doesn't arm until 45-90 feet in the first place... if it's 45 feet, I can see that, but that's also within the wounding radius of the grenades themselves.
"yanking her foot" - add straight at the end to make it clear Ranma's not just pulling her leg?
Misako giving them cover... are they in a big enough clearing, preferably somewhat elevated, for that to work (see minimum range)? Forests have trees, that get in the way sometimes.
I specifically notice, now, that Nabiki chose to engage the leader... and drain him, though you're only specific about the draining with Ranma.
At this point, a brief discussion of the AoM setup:
They're set up with a group of mortars (size unknown, ammo unknown) in the middle, and a handful of groups outside, some with crew served weapons, some without. Outside of that appear to be small scout groups. and expect to fight a flying species known for quickness, AFAIK. Mortars are an indirect fire weapon, and it takes time for rounds to arrive on target. These rounds are almost always unaimed, and the Gran and other laser guided 120mm+ (for the Russian stuff, at least) rounds are still not perfectly accurate, though better than the tube arty.
Therefore, either A) the AoM has no bloody clue how to use mortars, to the point I'm surprised they had crews to slaughter instead of one acolyte each, or B) the later comments about the AoM using their men as bait are indeed accurate - the outlying groups had one major purpose, which was to slow down the Brood Senshi enough to actually get mortar rounds down near a piece of land that a Brood Senshi was still standing on, likely preplotted for all mortars, with a couple aimed at each outlying group to begin with, and the others with chalked marks for how to aim for the other groups of their own people immediately.
Thus, if we assume B) on the basis of their clear capability with firing MANPADS at a chopper, _why_ did they not fire? This makes little sense, after the first group stopped responding, certainly, they should have been on a hair trigger. Unless they were purely waiting for voluntary word from the outliers... at least one of which, as I recall, called for backup that should have arrived as fire from the sky on top of their position. Also, the comments on the succubus groups striking simultaneously came after Nabiki's kill... and Oslo had promised reinforcements to at least one group, later on.
Unless, of course, the mortars were to deter WIC... which uses choppers more than anything else we've seen, for dealing with forests?
Nariko suspected the mortars were for a swarm of minion-grade demons (like her sisters, oddly enough, if eyebeams are an important event in growing up as a succubus, like puberty in humans)... but all the swarms of minion-grade (newborn, really) demons we saw... flew.
Side note: Was Ranma wrong about Oslo's group being a place for the Assembly to retreat to, or are they just too absolutely stupid not to put the indirect fire support weapons to the rear in a well defended area?
Hmmm... we knew Ranma could, as of the Anti-Ukyo sniper, interpose herself in front of an extremely fast bullet, and dodge another... but Nabiki also deliberately dodging bullets is interesting. It's written as dodging the bullet, not staying out of the line of fire of the weapon.
"and slit the throats of the writhing flame-consumed bodies" - why? flame-consumed is past tense, very final.
"Pretty good eating" - classic succubus banter, quite funny. She didn't, however, identify herself to any listeners, including incoming reinforcements or the WIC crew from the chopper, and her voice may not be easily discernable through a forest, on portable (likely handheld) radio, during combat.
Ok... so the _far_ mortar crew was presumably out of range of Lightning Devestation, definitely out of the range of the secondary explosions from the first mortar, had a "small" mortar tube (60mm, I'd assume, or homemade junk) that they changed position and fired ("started firing" - can't have been more than 2 rounds, likely one) while under direct attack... at the same time they employed a _shotgun_? Again, the ranges make no sense at all. The shotgun being raised, based on the secondaries from the mortar in between not hitting demons or the far mortar, is far, far out of range unless it's accurate with, and loaded with, slugs. The mortar has a very definite minimum range - the cheapest mortars are fixed at 60 degrees, and you just don't fire them straight up, nor are they direct fire weapons to the best of my knowledge. I'll give Ukyo credit for inhuman stability of grip and apparently nonmoving targets not behind cover for the pistol kills, and kudos to Nodoka for a very accurate weapon.
Also note that the _loader_ was raising his shotgun when they were "firing" - I have no idea how you can fire a mortar without someone dropping the round down the top of the tube, unless "loader" means something else here, as it doesn't necessarily apply to a mortar crew, depending on your names for the required positions. Ammo handler?
It's hinted that the priest's staff kept Ukyo from picking off the acolytes, but never stated that she bothered to take cover, she just quit smirking and cursed :).
Then Ukyo uses her power, fine... but simply opens fire on the acolytes, and advances on them... when happened to the Father's cover fire from the staff?
Isn't eating while pulling a round out of your own shoulder _really_ messy and awkward? You've only got a tail left to help you eat.
"Ukyou went to the ground" - excess the, here, perhaps
Karol can react to block bullets after they're fired? Why don't we see more of the supernatural speed, then?
Ranma's battle - first they're rockets, so I think light anti-tank weapons, then they're missiles, which implies guidance very strongly - once we hit modern weapons, we don't call rocks missiles much anymore.
Unexploded Darkstar bursts? What, she's doing the Xena thing with Darkstar bursts, then letting them hang around after going through machine gun crews? Or did she fire new ones?
Grabbing the rockets - interesting, very showy... and shows quite high accuracy from the gunners given their situation.
Ranma clearly hasn't been told about thermobaric rockets yet.
I still don't know what took out Ranma's lung.
"that glanced the pronged end" - glanced off of
Hopefully Ranma got a better shield [idea] off of Oslo ['s corpse/energy] for her demonic daisho.
"left, wrist breaking, it" - extra comma
"tossed the blades she held and tried to stab them into" - awkward
Ok... two of Oslo's blades hit him... and then Ranma punched through his aura like wet tissue paper, while before she couldn't penetrate it with cutting damage, only blunt trauma or "slow" pressure?
"was dismayed to find it kicked away in midair" - classic
"he eased back and made for his blades" - what did he do, bury them somewhere?
"She knew the Assembly, they hardly ever fought... professionals, so they felt the need to think like them" - I don't understand... AoM clearly doesn't think like professionals. Do you mean "try to think"?
It's amusing that Misako and some wounded WIC troops are mistaken for a company of over a hundred... and realistic.
"few long knifes, which surprisingly almost hit" - knives... and the Brood Senshi need practice dodging (guided) ranged weapons... they're better at dodging bullets!
Ukyo and Misako talking with the Assemblymen was well done.
"Girls, I'm not a video game." - in a video game? a character in a video game?

[Sunshine Temple]

What, it's not? AFAIK, the appendix is what lets them create fireballs.
[Oh it does? Heh
'given their diet' - ha!
[ ^_^
What, without Alexia, there have been no more Pattern D's for WIC to deal with... worldwide???
[I meant in the local vicinity.
Though we also really should see a Pattern D of another species at some point soon, if only for variety and to see how intra-demon politics works - how do other demon species regard succubi?
[Yes there are other species of Pattern D.
[Heh, have to read to see how they're regarded.
On re-reading:
Usagi still doesn't get demons, or professionals - 'didn't try to fight each other', indeed. Kasumi said it much better, when telling Kodachi that's it's a good encounter when they're not eating your liver. Ami does get demons and professionals, though I'm waiting for the tentative 'so, you think I'd be tasty?' crack.
[Professionals do have a different stance on things.
Setsuna really isn't with it, talking about the Main Senshi doing 'this' longer, saving the world more times, and I really don't see what hardships the Senshi faced that Ranma hasn't. Doing it longer and 'saving the world' more times aren't qualifications, when taken from a long-time amateur photographer vs. a professional photographer, for instance. You can do things badly many times, and just keep doing them badly.
[Setsuna was also trying to give Usagi a pep talk.
Setsuna's comments about not relating to 'the common soldier', and easily relating to people with hereditary titles - military or not - says a lot about her, about what she wants, and about what she thinks Crystal Tokyo should be. All bad - she should read the Belisarius series.
[Yah, and it meshes with how the Silver Millennium worked back then
Sam and Naoko seem to be genuine friends of Ranma's... and also seem to know much more than they let on.
[It's hard to miss all the weirdness about Ranma
[but they do care about her.
"objet d'art" - object
[actually the word for this phrase is objet
Ahh, re-reading is good. I wonder if Ami's 'caster' is up to par with the AoM's staves.
[Completely different.
Ranma's initial response to the unknown [Happosai] in the dojo was careless - the shadows should have built before she walked over there.
[Huh?
"nearly minute of rummaging" - nearly a minute
[good.
"the stone to" - stones
[nope in thise case the singular works.
"to knock out Venus's left foot" - to knock Venus's left foot out from under her, if you insist on using "knock" in two different contexts so close together.
[corrected it.
Interesting... Ami's icicle attack, as used on the Main Senshi, doesn't hold a patch on Nabiki's.
[Yah, Icicle Parade will be a fun surprise for her.
[But Rei didn't want to blow apart Rei either.
"I thought so," Mercury smirked. It was satisfying to see a plan come together. - yep, there's the foreshadowed enjoyment of proving how smart she [Ami] is.
[Yah Ami has mastered that pat of her "dark powers"
Regarding another reviewer's comments on Ami's fans being designed to take more punishment, while I don't see indications that this is part of a 'normal' powerup, the original powerups were designed by some entity at some time, just like modern creations.
[Maybe.
"Mar's chin" - apostrophe placement. Also, Ami pulled her closer... to hit with a knee, Ami's jumping, or on higher ground, or pulled Rei _down_ and closer.
[made the first change.
[not sure what the second one means.
Ranma's face valiantly tried to pale - funny.
[thanks
Ok, now for the battle. Be warned, I'm going to hammer your combat scene, because at the level of detail you're providing, I expect it to make sense to me, and I want it up to par with the rest of the fic, which is excellent.
[Glad to hear
I'm not aware of any MANPADS that are radar guided, and thus the missiles should have been decoyed by flares if IR, and perhaps smoke if they were laser guided, which is fairly rare except for combined anti-tank anti-chopper weapons, like the Vikhr (crew-served or vehicle) series. If they were a major vehicle, or a vehicle linked to a separate radar unit, that's different, but vehicles weren't mentioned, and a fire control radar is a whole different level than the man-portable units we've seen so far. It's also highly likely to draw major military attention.
[Huh?
[Not sure what your problem is here.
Note: Looks like either non-Pattern scouts, or they were fooling WIC's scanners, as they were 5km out from the pattern they'd detected and closing when they were attacked from 2km away.
[Yup, having mundane fodder helps.
Yes, yes, autorotation. Succubus flight would be safer.
[Yah, why they did it.
But... if they trained for it, then why did Ranma have to take the time (and risk getting hit several more times) to verbally give out assignments... and why did she call it "the thing" - talking would have taken seconds.
[She had to assign who was carrying who.
[They don't fly with the same people every time.
Also important: Hilbert spoke for a bit, instead of focussing on landing? That's not time for a calm lecture - I disagree completely with the reviewer who said the autorotation explanation should come from the pilot... while they're crashing.
[He had to say enough to tell them that they were crashing.
[It is just a sentence.
If you prefer Ranma micromanaging the rescue in a crashing chopper while under fire... "Akane other gunner" - the other
[Pardon? You gut off here.
When the succubae (sp?) jumped out... why not use their wings to accelerate _towards_ the ground, instead of being lazy and just trying to fall faster at first... staying right next to a big target which is actively being shot at with area effect weapons?
[No. They had to fall enough to get away from the rotor blades.
[That's why they drop first then fly
Likewise... why pull out and away (sounds lesuirely), making targets of themselves for longer? Sure, don't fly straight, but get down to cover, return fire, or both? I'd want to kill the horizontal vector as much as practical, and let the chopper's path take it away from me if there's cover to be found that'll protect from the chopper's crash itself.
Note: No return fire from the Brood Senshi, not even eyebeams if you assume hands are occupied and required for fireballs. Not even return fire from the door gunners prior to being hit... or after being hit, for that matter.
[Yes, the timing seemed to be too short to have them counter fire.
[You can't have it both ways. Wanting Ranma to pull them out faster AND have them spending more time to fire.
"increased her descent" - the speed of her descent
[yes.
A MK 19 crew served - this is very awkward as the start of a new sentence.
On the Mk 19/40mm grenade launchers - unreliable reports would put minimum range at 225 ft, which is an incredible range for Lindemann to have hit a human sized target at with a pistol (sidearm, to me, implies handgun). Even a Mk203 would, unreliably, have a 100 ft minimum range, which is quite doable with a handgun for an expert on a non-moving target... at the range, without being shot at, and without a broken ankle after jumping out of a crashing helicopter. The ranges here are inconsistent - if the Mk 19 is in use, you're almost certainly at rifle, not pistol, range, if not expert rifle range. Unless, of course, Misako was using the Mk 19 at absolute minimum direct fire range, and the M433 unreliably doesn't arm until 45-90 feet in the first place... if it's 45 feet, I can see that, but that's also within the wounding radius of the grenades themselves.
[Ranger5 mentioned that there are "shotgun" rounds for that weapon that are for closer range. That could help thigns.
"yanking her foot" - add straight at the end to make it clear Ranma's not just pulling her leg?
[yah.
Misako giving them cover... are they in a big enough clearing, preferably somewhat elevated, for that to work (see minimum range)? Forests have trees, that get in the way sometimes.
[Misako was not giving them direct cover more covering their rear.
I specifically notice, now, that Nabiki chose to engage the leader... and drain him, though you're only specific about the draining with Ranma.
[Yes she did.
At this point, a brief discussion of the AoM setup:
They're set up with a group of mortars (size unknown, ammo unknown) in the middle, and a handful of groups outside, some with crew served weapons, some without. Outside of that appear to be small scout groups. and expect to fight a flying species known for quickness, AFAIK. Mortars are an indirect fire weapon, and it takes time for rounds to arrive on target. These rounds are almost always unaimed, and the Gran and other laser guided 120mm+ (for the Russian stuff, at least) rounds are still not perfectly accurate, though better than the tube arty.
[AFAIK? Huh
Therefore, either A) the AoM has no bloody clue how to use mortars, to the point I'm surprised they had crews to slaughter instead of one acolyte each, or B) the later comments about the AoM using their men as bait are indeed accurate - the outlying groups had one major purpose, which was to slow down the Brood Senshi enough to actually get mortar rounds down near a piece of land that a Brood Senshi was still standing on, likely preplotted for all mortars, with a couple aimed at each outlying group to begin with, and the others with chalked marks for how to aim for the other groups of their own people immediately.
Thus, if we assume B) on the basis of their clear capability with firing MANPADS at a chopper, _why_ did they not fire? This makes little sense, after the first group stopped responding, certainly, they should have been on a hair trigger. Unless they were purely waiting for voluntary word from the outliers... at least one of which, as I recall, called for backup that should have arrived as fire from the sky on top of their position. Also, the comments on the succubus groups striking simultaneously came after Nabiki's kill... and Oslo had promised reinforcements to at least one group, later on.
[there was some B in this. They were waiting for voluntary orders.
Unless, of course, the mortars were to deter WIC... which uses choppers more than anything else we've seen, for dealing with forests?
[Yes there is some of that too.
Nariko suspected the mortars were for a swarm of minion-grade demons (like her sisters, oddly enough, if eyebeams are an important event in growing up as a succubus, like puberty in humans)... but all the swarms of minion-grade (newborn, really) demons we saw... flew.
[not all of them.
[in a forest setting they would be less inclined to go in the air.
Side note: Was Ranma wrong about Oslo's group being a place for the Assembly to retreat to, or are they just too absolutely stupid not to put the indirect fire support weapons to the rear in a well defended area?
[it was a retreat area
Hmmm... we knew Ranma could, as of the Anti-Ukyo sniper, interpose herself in front of an extremely fast bullet, and dodge another... but Nabiki also deliberately dodging bullets is interesting. It's written as dodging the bullet, not staying out of the line of fire of the weapon.
[Really now?
"and slit the throats of the writhing flame-consumed bodies" - why? flame-consumed is past tense, very final
[why what?
"Pretty good eating" - classic succubus banter, quite funny. She didn't, however, identify herself to any listeners, including incoming reinforcements or the WIC crew from the chopper, and her voice may not be easily discernable through a forest, on portable (likely handheld) radio, during combat.
[I can have her give her name.
Ok... so the _far_ mortar crew was presumably out of range of Lightning Devestation, definitely out of the range of the secondary explosions from the first mortar, had a "small" mortar tube (60mm, I'd assume, or homemade junk) that they changed position and fired ("started firing" - can't have been more than 2 rounds, likely one) while under direct attack... at the same time they employed a _shotgun_? Again, the ranges make no sense at all. The shotgun being raised, based on the secondaries from the mortar in between not hitting demons or the far mortar, is far, far out of range unless it's accurate with, and loaded with, slugs. The mortar has a very definite minimum range - the cheapest mortars are fixed at 60 degrees, and you just don't fire them straight up, nor are they direct fire weapons to the best of my knowledge.
[that was more for defending the position itself.
I'll give Ukyo credit for inhuman stability of grip and apparently nonmoving targets not behind cover for the pistol kills, and kudos to Nodoka for a very accurate weapon.
[Inhuman ability and highly accurate weapon is given.
Also note that the _loader_ was raising his shotgun when they were "firing" - I have no idea how you can fire a mortar without someone dropping the round down the top of the tube, unless "loader" means something else here, as it doesn't necessarily apply to a mortar crew, depending on your names for the required positions. Ammo handler?
[yah that works better.
It's hinted that the priest's staff kept Ukyo from picking off the acolytes, but never stated that she bothered to take cover, she just quit smirking and cursed .
[yah.
Then Ukyo uses her power, fine... but simply opens fire on the acolytes, and advances on them... when happened to the Father's cover fire from the staff?
[good question. Fixed that.
Isn't eating while pulling a round out of your own shoulder _really_ messy and awkward? You've only got a tail left to help you eat.
[she doesn't care about messy ;p
"Ukyou went to the ground" - excess the, here, perhaps
[I think "the" is needed there
Karol can react to block bullets after they're fired? Why don't we see more of the supernatural speed, then?
[It was before. Hmm... can correct that.
Ranma's battle - first they're rockets, so I think light anti-tank weapons, then they're missiles, which implies guidance very strongly - once we hit modern weapons, we don't call rocks missiles much anymore.
[can call them rockets. That's better
Unexploded Darkstar bursts? What, she's doing the Xena thing with Darkstar bursts, then letting them hang around after going through machine gun crews? Or did she fire new ones?
[No. They killed the crews without exploding and were then guided to new targets.
Grabbing the rockets - interesting, very showy... and shows quite high accuracy from the gunners given their situation.
[well they had good motivation to help.
Ranma clearly hasn't been told about thermobaric rockets yet.
[it's a learning experience
I still don't know what took out Ranma's lung.
[her ribs
"that glanced the pronged end" - glanced off of
[ok
Hopefully Ranma got a better shield [idea] off of Oslo ['s corpse/energy] for her demonic daisho.
[we'll have to see
"left, wrist breaking, it" - extra comma
[which one?
"tossed the blades she held and tried to stab them into" – awkward
[hmm nto sure.
Ok... two of Oslo's blades hit him... and then Ranma punched through his aura like wet tissue paper, while before she couldn't penetrate it with cutting damage, only blunt trauma or "slow" pressure?
[Yeah.... Oslo was being damaged too
[Was that not shown well enough?
"was dismayed to find it kicked away in midair" - classic
"he eased back and made for his blades" - what did he do, bury them somewhere?
[No he eased back from Ranma and made for the blades on his person
[Do I have to spell it out that much?
"She knew the Assembly, they hardly ever fought... professionals, so they felt the need to think like them" - I don't understand... AoM clearly doesn't think like professionals. Do you mean "try to think"?
[Pardon?
It's amusing that Misako and some wounded WIC troops are mistaken for a company of over a hundred... and realistic.
[Platoon is not over a hundred
"few long knifes, which surprisingly almost hit" - knives... and the Brood Senshi need practice dodging (guided) ranged weapons... they're better at dodging bullets!
[Uh... the knives were special homing? Right you know that.
Ukyo and Misako talking with the Assemblymen was well done.
[thanks.
"Girls, I'm not a video game." - in a video game? a character in a video game?
["not a video game character"
[thanks for the very, very detailed review
[found plenty of mistakes to fix
[Hmm should really upload the new version of the chapter.

[Adyen]

Seems like I work longer hours than you do...

Quote:
"Of course, Shampoo's probably a better marital artist than all of you combined, tenacious too. Then there's Janet, bright girl."

Just to clarify, I meant the second quote as putting "tenacious too" after the comma just doesn't work.

[I am being intentionally vauge, but I wonder if that is hurting the chapter.

It's not hurting it per sec, but you do need to somehow say Venus was left behind somewhere before she comes out again, or else the 'Ohhh... so that's what happened to her' feeling may become "I thought they took her anyways?".

"Oooo... Leather nice,"

Missing the comma's positioning?

The source of the beam moved to try to connect with the helicopter. It was then joined by a second beam that reached up and just missed the cockpit. Another pair of missiles shot up as well. The helicopter twisted to evade but was hit in the transmission case. The titanium armor quickly burned through. The two missiles hit chaff and exploded, but a bit too close to the helicopter.

Reading this feels... bulky. Not only are the short sentences not helping, but they're just telling the scene. Maybe you can have more people yell their evasion or tell of the hit to the transmission case, etc.

Wendell's head snapped back and he tried to slash with his rather short sword again. The tiny demon's attacks railed uselessly against his shield. He stepped forward and found his footing taken away.

Why 'rather short sword'?

Few of the shards actually made it though his shield, and into his head, but not many were needed.

Definately ackwards. Maybe "Few of the shards actually made it through his shields, but not many were needed when they exploded in his head." instead?

The rest of the squad were further out and until now had focused their attention on the other demon, but now there was another threat... One took a shot and hit a teammate who was being eviscerated. He swore at the interference and tried to shoot the bulky gun again but a blue and white fireball ended his efforts.

I don't think you described their gear enough to mention "bulky gun".

Simultaneous attacks would minimize the potential for reinforcements. She could sense something ahead but was not sure. They eased their way further and stopped. She smiled thinly at the group of acolytes.

Not sure of what? That there was something ahead? Their numbers? Not sure that she sensed something?

He hit Ukyou just under her left shoulder and then he got shot in the neck and then the stomach. Screaming in pain, the blonde lunged onto him and began to feed as she dug into her shoulder to pull out the bullet. She growled as the wound painfully healed closed.

I'm not sure if it's just me, but I think that's a bad sentence. You would also think that they'd use special bullets to prevent quick regeneration...

Ukyou reminded as her grip strengthened on her gun. Father Adams was one of the less fanatical and more approachable

Reminded /him/? And is this missing a period or more parts of the sentence?

It was a shame, the Assembly needed more people like Ukyou, not faithful dolts like Wendell.

I would personally write it as "It was a shame:" instead of a comma, but that's just me.

Concentrating her fearsome aura, Ukyou went to the ground, under the beam.

Maybe "...dropped to the ground to dodge the beam" instead? Well, it's more of a way of reading.

His wounds healing, he spun around.

Perhaps "He spun around even as his wounds started healing."?

He twisted his right arm and tried to jab it into the succubus. A tail tried to cut his legs out but bounced off his aura.

He twisted his right arm that's holding off a claw? I'm surprised that Ukyou didn't take his arm off.

Karol tried to twist out and get to the side; so he would not be sandwiched between a pair of demons.

"Karol tried to twist out and get to the side to avoid being flanked by a pair of demons"?
Ok, now it's sleep... I'll continue doing this tomorrow...

[Sunshine Temple]

[Wow even more, this is great Adyen
Seems like I work longer hours than you do...
[looks that way

Quote:
"Of course, Shampoo's probably a better marital artist than all of you combined, tenacious too. Then there's Janet, bright girl."

Just to clarify, I meant the second quote as putting "tenacious too" after the comma just doesn't work.
[Ahh. changed

[I am being intentionally vauge, but I wonder if that is hurting the chapter.

It's not hurting it per sec, but you do need to somehow say Venus was left behind somewhere before she comes out again, or else the 'Ohhh... so that's what happened to her' feeling may become "I thought they took her anyways?".
[I'll have that made clearer later

"Oooo... Leather nice,"

Missing the comma's positioning?
[what comma?

The source of the beam moved to try to connect with the helicopter. It was then joined by a second beam that reached up and just missed the cockpit. Another pair of missiles shot up as well. The helicopter twisted to evade but was hit in the transmission case. The titanium armor quickly burned through. The two missiles hit chaff and exploded, but a bit too close to the helicopter.

Reading this feels... bulky. Not only are the short sentences not helping, but they're just telling the scene. Maybe you can have more people yell their evasion or tell of the hit to the transmission case, etc.
[Too much dialog could clutter as well.

Wendell's head snapped back and he tried to slash with his rather short sword again. The tiny demon's attacks railed uselessly against his shield. He stepped forward and found his footing taken away.

Why 'rather short sword'?
[remove the rather

Few of the shards actually made it though his shield, and into his head, but not many were needed.

Definately ackwards. Maybe "Few of the shards actually made it through his shields, but not many were needed when they exploded in his head." instead?
[but that sounds far too wordy.

The rest of the squad were further out and until now had focused their attention on the other demon, but now there was another threat... One took a shot and hit a teammate who was being eviscerated. He swore at the interference and tried to shoot the bulky gun again but a blue and white fireball ended his efforts.

I don't think you described their gear enough to mention "bulky gun".
[heavy instead

Simultaneous attacks would minimize the potential for reinforcements. She could sense something ahead but was not sure. They eased their way further and stopped. She smiled thinly at the group of acolytes.

Not sure of what? That there was something ahead? Their numbers? Not sure that she sensed something?
[where is she unsure?

He hit Ukyou just under her left shoulder and then he got shot in the neck and then the stomach. Screaming in pain, the blonde lunged onto him and began to feed as she dug into her shoulder to pull out the bullet. She growled as the wound painfully healed closed.

I'm not sure if it's just me, but I think that's a bad sentence. You would also think that they'd use special bullets to prevent quick regeneration...
[I'll work on that, and have the healing slower]
[[
"Foul monster!" the man shouted wondering what had happened to the father's covering fire. The other one used the opportunity to take a shot. He hit Ukyou just under her left shoulder and then got shot in the neck and stomach. Screaming in pain, the blonde lunged onto him and began to feed. After that she dug into her shoulder to pull out the bullet. She growled as the wound painfully and slowly closed.
]]

Ukyou reminded as her grip strengthened on her gun. Father Adams was one of the less fanatical and more approachable

Reminded /him/? And is this missing a period or more parts of the sentence?
[correct on both

It was a shame, the Assembly needed more people like Ukyou, not faithful dolts like Wendell.

I would personally write it as "It was a shame:" instead of a comma, but that's just me.
[yeha comma seems better to me

Concentrating her fearsome aura, Ukyou went to the ground, under the beam.

Maybe "...dropped to the ground to dodge the beam" instead? Well, it's more of a way of reading.
[your way is smother. thanks

His wounds healing, he spun around.

Perhaps "He spun around even as his wounds started healing."?
[something liek that, yeah

He twisted his right arm and tried to jab it into the succubus. A tail tried to cut his legs out but bounced off his aura.

He twisted his right arm that's holding off a claw? I'm surprised that Ukyou didn't take his arm off.
[changed it to the blade he was holding.

Karol tried to twist out and get to the side; so he would not be sandwiched between a pair of demons.

"Karol tried to twist out and get to the side to avoid being flanked by a pair of demons"?
[works well
Ok, now it's sleep... I'll continue doing this tomorrow...
[great ^_^
[this is some amazing stuff. really to
p notch work and lots of effort.
[Okay, i'll upload a new version to the fukufics site now.

[Nadrek]

This is a counter-reply to you reply to my reply, shortened for brevity and laziness - this isn't my favorite computer at the moment (comments made in chronological order).
{Re: Ranma meeting Happosai at first: Ranma first went to the dojo, and then called up her shadows. She should have called up her shadows before entering the dojo in the presence of an unknown stealthy force. The force that stealthy that visited was BlackSky.
{The second Ami/Rei knee to the chin: means if Ami just pulls Rei closer, how the heck the Ami get her knee up to the height of Rei's chin?
{MANPADS (MAN Portable Air Defense System, I think) - you had missiles targetting the chopper exploding on chaff. They should have been decoyed by flares, not chaff, if they were man-launched missiles, or even any of the lighter vehicle-launched SAM's. Only major units use radar guided SAM's. I was also discounting laser-guided, which are either rare or primarily anti-tank systems, like the russian Vikhr.
{Succubus flight escape with crew - either she should have assigned when entering the chopper (buddy system), or, better, X takes pilot, Y takes co-pilot, Z takes port gunner, etc., all the time - a list of crew positions and succubae, highest priorities get taken as personnel allow.
{"Akane other gunner" should be "Akane, the other gunner" comma optional
{Mk 19 min range - the only 40mm "shotgun" type round I could trivially find, unconfirmed, was the M1029 40-Millimeter Crowd Dispersal Round (Area), which is both non-lethal and can't be fired from the Mk 19. Unreliably, there is an M576 buckshot round, 30m cone, also not fireable from the Mk 19.
{AFAIK - As Far As I Know, regarding succubae closing distance, I've seen them fly (presumably more or less quickly), and teleport... not walk, saunter, or otherwise spend a lot of time in target areas where there's no food. I only really have Alexia's as a reference.
{Why would succubae be less inclined to go to the air in a forest? If they can sense the enemy, and can fly, and the enemy can't fly... they should get above the tree canopy (out of sight), fly close, and drop down on top to be in melee with the minimum vulnerability... or sneak up, as the Brood Senshi did.
{Retreat area or not, the mortars should have been in range of the main front lines from there if it was within 2 miles or so, for standard military issue 60mm's - I'll happily go with AoM are idiots or had homemade mortars here, but I wanted to point it out.
{Re: Ukyo and the Father's cover fire: Hah! Did I get Ukyo hit?
{extra comma removed, from memory: "left wrist breaking, it"
{"tossed the blades she held and tried to stab them into" - tossing implies throwing the blade out of the appendage, and stabbing implies hanging on to the blade with the appendage - I can't tell which it is here.
{You showed Oslo taking damage well. I was commenting on the fact that earlier, Oslo's shield did something useful, and after, Oslo's shield was at most a minor nuisance to Ranma - either Ranma was playing with Oslo (supported by her having lots of energy at the end), Ranma pulled a Dragonball, or Oslo's shield got weaker, but I didn't see it get weaker.
{"made for his" (knives, and my comment about them being buried)- I traditionally interpret "made for" as full body movement over ground - "made for his car", or "made for the pass". "went to draw his" would imply hand/arm movement to me, i.e. "went to draw his daggers" or even the short form, like "went for his gun". This could be a regional/specialist/odd interpretation, though.
{I could have sworn that one of... Randy's? AoM goons said 'there's a whole company of WIC out there' and appeared to refer to Misako and her little group, which I found both amusing and very appropriate.
{Oslo's knives had special homing. One of the other AoM's knives (vs. a daughter) didn't, that I recall - that's a comment on what appears to be injuring the Brood Senshi that they should train for.
{Per Adyen's comment... why wasn't AoM using the super special nasty rounds they hit Ukyo with... or were they, and no round stayed in long enough to do much to the more powerful, Silver-D targets? I can see them being too rare for full scale use... though I'd expect 1 in X many round would be special.
You're quite welcome for the detailed review - I tend to focus very highly on combat scenes for criticism, particularly in a world where I understand the physics. I also very much enjoy The Return, especially as it appears to be one of the few really good Ranma epics that's continuing.
Hmm... it also appears Mercury hasn't figured out that Ranma didn't stumble into such a network of alliances... but it was her allies (and Murdock) who had the machinations and wanted her (or any Pattern Silver).