Spokavriel
Original wrote:"Well that's good, I remember the fun my husband had on his training trips. It's good that he's taking our son on so many." Nodoka smiled in fond memories at what she thought, her future daughter in law.
"Well that's good, I remember how much fun my husband had on his training trips. It's nice that he's taking our son on so many." Nodoka smiled in fond memory at, she thought, her future daughter in law.
How about this. The double up on good in the first version kinda put me in allert mode. So I changed the seccond good with nice. Then I took a liberty changing The fun to how much fun. And to iron out the last bit I took out the what and put in a comma. What may fit because she is thinking of a position not a person but it was rubbing me the wrong way.[yeah that does work better.
The crowds on the sidewalk was starting to thicken as the 'early birds' of the night life crawled out of their daytime dens and into the dusk.
When it comes to crowds I tend to think past tence with the plural. Not entirely sure why but cutting that to just crowd seems better to me.
[It's just plural
On the sidewalk thing again. When Crowds are Plural was just doesn't seem to fit right to me.[Try this version
[[
The crowds, on the sidewalk, were starting to thicken as the 'early birds' of the night life crawled out of their daytime dens and into the dusk
]]
[[
She watched them both just a more minutes before retreating back into the living room.
]]
You copied the identicle line back at me without adding few or couple or anything to help define the time.
[Actually I made it a bit clearer
I have to read that updated version still. I also like the artwork but wonder about the Green glasses.[the green's actually a function of her glasses
Cyber_SkaarjAnother excellent bit of story telling. I hope it isn't too long before the next chapter is released (though I'm sure Konoko is going to keep me entertained in the meantime with more chapters to preread, especially of Wild Magic).
[Me too. We'll have to see how the next one goes.
The one thing I have to comment on, however, is the length of the chapters. Whilest I myself am a rabid reader much of the time (I once read a series of 5 books in the same number of days, and they weren't short books either), it's going to be a bit annoying for those who want to sit down a read a chapter of a fic for a short while before doing other things, only to find themselves still reading the same chapter an hour or two later.
[It's a challenge. We both feel that longer chapters are required for this.
[given the pacing
I know I'm probably being a bit petty picking up on that, but I seriously think these chapters are a lot longer than those you find in professional novels, let alone other fan fiction works (Jeffrey Vasquez' story Realms suffers from the same problem, even if I do devour that fic just as eagerly).
[That's probably true.
nurikoWell, I'm going to say "yay!" anyway, but I'm afraid I have to point out a couple of things...
"It very obvious," Nodoka explained in an almost teacher-like way and began ticking off points with her fingers.
I think you mean "It is very obvious," as opposed to what ends up more like Shampoo-speak.
[yup
"Yes, in addition to your improved decorum, you have a much more mature pallet," Setsuna added.
You mean palate, not pallet ... there's no shipping going on here.
[Yeah, now that's a good catch. Thanks
StarEyedVery nice, although the food scenes did seem a bit long.
[heh
And now for my grammar nitpick.
The crowds on the sidewalk was starting to thicken as the 'early birds' of the night life crawled out of their daytime dens and into the dusk.
if you're using plural for crowds if should be;
The crowds on the sidewalk
were starting to thicken.
[yeah, that's what I thought was wrong
[Okay onto v5b
Well that's my C&C based on reading now to see what else I have to say after seeing others comments.
