Veela One Half Chapter 2

[Dumbledork]

I appreciate any feedback I get, but to address all the problems listed by Spokavriel I'd have to completely rewrite the chapter once again, and honestly I'm already sick of this chapter ^_^. It has caused me nothing but grief.

But rest assured that this is the last information dump chapter. The fun really starts next chapter when Ranma meets the Tendos.

[borgrabbit]

OMG! Please don't be discouraged. You're doing great! Look forward to any new material.

Wes

[Dumbledork]

I'm not. It's just not possible to please everyone. Now, I'll fix the part about Ranma being too accepting of Genma's and Cologne's explanation and try and insert more drama, but the thing about Ranma speaking too formally, that's really too much work and I'm not even sure if I can do it. I remember a discussion over at the fanfiction forum (and looked it up once again) and apparently Ranma doesn't speak like a hick at all. Sometimes his speech might be a little rough but that's about it.

[LawOhki]

I'm not. It's just not possible to please everyone. Now, I'll fix the part about Ranma being too accepting of Genma's and Cologne's explanation and try and insert more drama, but the thing about Ranma speaking too formally, that's really too much work and I'm not even sure if I can do it. I remember a discussion over at the fanfiction forum (and looked it up once again) and apparently Ranma doesn't speak like a hick at all. Sometimes his speech might be a little rough but that's about it.

Not speaking like a hick doesn't mean he speaks like some smart ass english major who likes to use a thesaurus. (exaggeration) He should speak informally and even more so if he's pissed off.

And info dumps aren't inherently bad but ones like this have the problem of the one doing it knowing everything and being able to answer any question. (I mentioned this back on page 1)

[Spokavriel]

I'm sorry I gave the wrong implications with my suggestions. I suggested Mark Twain because outside of Tom Sawyer and Huck Finn he has allot of articles and other works he's published that are written in plain language without being overly verbose.

You have good situations but you don't have much thought on the part of characters before the agreements.

I'm not saying every agreement should become a fight, Its just when there is only a fight about the existence of something that everyone has to agree exists to accept the story at all and then everything else has no fight it just feels like its missing something.

[Dumbledork]

Its just when there is only a fight about the existence of something that everyone has to agree exists to accept the story at all and then everything else has no fight it

Could you explain this part more clearly, please?

[Spokavriel]

Ok if you read through the chapter. The only time Ranma or really anyone disagrees about something Cologne makes a point on its back when Ranma tries to deny the existence of wizards. From that point on there are allot of places where Cologne points something out and each of those times it is agreed with even when it has the potential to be at the very least questionable from the perspective of Ranma or the other elder or even someone else just over hearing.

The point is there are too many points where it clearly shines a spotlight on agreeing. Even changing up with thoughts about not seeing a way to refute it is a way to break up the monotony. And then the other instance I emphasized before. Where Ranma just accepts cologne's perspective on his own family that he doesn't know. That should be a harder fight than just getting Ranma to accept that wizards exist.

[Dumbledork]

I see. I understand what you mean.

[Dumbledork]

I'm rewriting Ranma's dialogues at the moment. Here's a sample of the first passage. Does this sound more like a teenager?

OLD

That made him pause. He considered the old woman’s words for a few moments and came to the conclusion that she was right. What was a curse if not some kind of magic? He then looked at his father. “If that is true, then why did you never tell me about it before? Do you think it was right to let me believe my mother was dead and that I didn’t have any family left? And here I never thought you could sink even lower. You know that I’ve always wanted to have a family. To think that all of these years I’ve had had relatives and never knew about it... Well, as soon as I’ve dealt with the curse I’ll go and see my mother. I don’t care about the problems you’ve had with her and my grandfather. I’d like to meet them anyway.”

NEW

That made him pause. He considered the old woman’s words for a few moments and came to the conclusion that she had a point. The curse was real and that meant that magic had to be real too. Still, that didn’t mean that his father’s story was true. He’d lied so much over the years to save his hide, but the old man had never sounded this convincing. He usually was a really bad liar and he would never be able to come up with something this convincing on the fly. Ranma still had his doubts, and he really needed more information before he could either accept or dismiss the story. He looked at his father. “If that is true, then why didn’t you tell me before? You probably thought it funny to make me think my mother was dead and that I had no family left? This is really low. And here I thought you couldn’t sink any lower. You know I’ve always wanted a family. All these years… All these years I’ve had relatives and never knew about it... Well, as soon as I get rid of the damn curse I’ll visit mom. Suck on that, old man. I don’t give a damn about your problems with mom and gramps. Nothing you say will change my mind.”

[Spokavriel]

Not bad but you might want to break it out just a little bit more to include Genma's reactions to Ranma's barbs.

[Ellen Kuhfeld]

...and came to the conclusion that she had a point.

That's too many words. Try "...and decided she had a point.

[Spokavriel]

Or realized instead of decided.

[Ellen Kuhfeld]

Or realized instead of decided.

Or even just saw. The fewer words you use, the more room will be left over for story.

[Spokavriel]

Another real benefit is that when you reduce the loquacity of Ranma and make it more concise you drop from courtly speech to something that is easier to accept him using.

[Dumbledork]

Here's a series of changed scenes. There'll be more tomorrow. Please tell me what you think. I tried to have Ranma use simpler words and display more righteous anger. I hope it reads better now.

OLD

“Well, everything’s fine then,” Ranma interjected. “I don’t see why I shouldn’t be allowed to meet them then.”

NEW

“Well, everything’s fine then,” Ranma interjected. “I don’t see any reason for you to keep me away from them.”

OLD

“WHAT?” Ranma interrupted the story in a violent outburst. “That can’t be true. You’re full of it, old man. You seriously want me to believe that my mother and grandparents would reject me for such a stupid reason?”

“Let me finish,” Genma hissed. “You don’t know anything about the Wizarding World and what purebloods are like. Everything I’ve told you is the truth.”

NEW

“WHAT?” Ranma interrupted the story in a violent outburst. “Are you bullshitting me? NO WAY is that true. You’re full of it, old man. Are you seriously telling me my mom and grandparents would reject me for such a stupid reason?”

“Let me finish,” Genma hissed. “You don’t know anything about the Wizarding World and what purebloods are like. Everything I’ve told you is the truth.”

“Oh yeah?” Ranma challenged his father’s words. “That would be a first. No, seriously now. Tell me the real story or I’ll get very angry. And believe me; you wouldn’t want to see me angry.”

OLD

“Let me finish,” Genma hissed. “You don’t know anything about the Wizarding World and what purebloods are like. Everything I’ve told you is the truth.”


“I believe him,” Cologne added her two cents. “I’m very good at detecting lies and I’m sure everything he’s told so far is the truth. You are still young and have yet to realize the lows a human being can sink to. I’ve met a lot of purebloods in my long life and I can assure you that such behavior is not all that unusual.”


Ranma slumped to the floor after getting the confirmation from the old woman. He desperately wanted to refute everything he’d heard so far, yet he couldn’t. The elder had no reason to lie to him after all. Genma patted his son on the shoulder his head hanging in shame. He knew that it had been too soon. The boy wasn’t mature enough to digest the ugly truth. He felt sorry for his son and hoped that he would be able to deal with it and not fall into depression.

NEW

“Let me finish,” Genma hissed. “You don’t know anything about the Wizarding World and what purebloods are like. Everything I’ve told you is the truth.”


“Oh yeah?” Ranma challenged his father’s words. “That would be a first. No, seriously now. Tell me the real story or I’ll get very angry. And believe me; you wouldn’t want to see me angry.”


“QUIET” Cologne ordered as she let loose a very impressive battle aura, calming down the two martial artists who were shaking in their pants. “Now then, let’s discuss this like civilized people.”


Satisfied that there wouldn’t be any further outbursts she dimmed her aura until it disappeared completely once again. “That’s better.” She looked at the teen. “Well, I think your father has told the truth, Ranma.,” Cologne added her two cents. “I’ve met a lot of accomplished liars in my life, but I usually see through them very easily. Mr. Saotome hasn’t lied once throughout the story..”


Now that the elder’s aura was gone Ranma got back some of his confidence. “Oh really? Shows how well you know him. Old age must have affected your senses if you really believe him.”


“Ouch!” Ranma complained after the old woman violently rapped him on the head with her stick.


“Insolent brat! That’s the problem with the young people nowadays; they always think they know better than their elders. I’m over 300 and believe me when I tell you that I’ve seen it all. You’re still young and have yet to realize the lows a human being can sink to. I’ve met a lot of purebloods in my long life and I can assure you that such behavior is not all that unusual. Besides, why should I lie to you? I have nothing to gain by doing that.”


That last statement made the pigtailed teen think. Indeed, why SHOULD she lie to him? This made Ranma feel really uncomfortable. What if his father HAD told the truth? What if he really had been abandoned by his family? No, best not to go there; one problem at a time.


“I see you’re not convinced. How about this then? Once we are in the village we’ll have your father confirm his story under Veritaserum, only if he agrees of course?”


“What is that?” the teen wanted to know.


“A very powerful truth serum,” Cologne answered. “Are you willing to do it, Mr. Saotome?”


“I am,” the portly man answered firmly, and there was not a hint of doubt in his eyes.


Seeing his father agree so firmly, and without any doubt really rattled the boy and made him rethink his earlier stance. His father had never been so convincing before and he had the sinking feeling that there might be some truth to the story after all. As the sometimes panda saw the state of his son he felt sorry for him. It was much too soon for him to learn the truth as the boy lacked the maturity to digest the ugly truth, but after the accident at Jusenkyo there was no way for him to hide his past any longer. He took his son into his arms and let him weep on his shoulder.

OLD

All these revelations gave him a lot of food for thought. If he had been wrong about his father, then maybe Genma had been wrong about his in-laws. It was worth a try at least. “Are you sure things are that bad?” He tentatively asked, hoping in his heart that things weren’t as grim as his father had painted them to be. “Maybe they regret what they’ve done and I can visit them once in a while even if they don’t welcome me with open arms.”

NEW

But if he had been so wrong about his father, then maybe Genma had been wrong about his in-laws. “Are you sure things are really that bad?” He tentatively asked. “What if they’ve changed and regret what they’ve done? Maybe we can visit them and see how things are. What is the worst they can do? Throw us out?”

OLD

“Impossible!” The boy’s father assured. “Do you remember what I told you earlier? They are bigots. Like most other pure-blood wizarding families the Saotomes are xenophobic and refuse to associate with magical creatures of any kind. It simply is beneath them. And even if I have never heard of Veela before I’m sure they qualify as magical creatures.”

NEW

The bespectacled man sighed. He hated himself for having to kill his son’s last hopes, but there was no way around it. “Impossible!” He assured with sadness in his eyes. “Do you remember what I told you earlier? That they are bigots? Like most other pure-blood wizarding families the Saotomes are xenophobic and refuse to associate with magical creatures of any kind. It simply is beneath them. And even if I have never heard of Veela before I’m sure they qualify as magical creatures.”

OLD

“Your father is correct,” Cologne confirmed […]

NEW

Before Ranma could get a word in edgewise Cologne had already continued where his father had stopped and he immediately refrained from saying anything as his head was still smarting from the blow he’d received earlier and he didn0t want to have a repeat performance. “Your father is correct,” she confirmed.

OLD

Ranma couldn’t believe his ears. Knowing that one’s family was alive yet being barred from ever meeting them was a fate almost worse than death. Before he could attack his father once more for having completely ruined his life the older man kneeled in front of his son and solemnly bowed, his forehead touching the ground. “Please forgive me, son. I never wanted this to happen. I don’t know why I even chose to come here. It just seemed like a good idea at the time. I can’t help it; my brain somehow short-circuits whenever I hear about a new training ground or an unbeatable technique. It’s like my brain is compelling me to try out every insane technique I can get my hands on. I’m still ashamed for trying to teach you the nekoken. I promise you that I won’t rest until I’ve found a cure for your curse.”

NEW

Ranma couldn’t believe his ears. While he had been angry before he was now ready to explode. “DAMMIT, POPS!” the young martial artist verbally lashed out at his father. “What the hell were you thinking bringing us here? Admit it! You haven’t been thinking at all, like always. You really have the knack of making a bad situation worse than it already is.” And just as the pigtailed boy was about to strangle the life out of the idiot he did something so unexpected and astonishing that his son had completely forgot to kill him: the part-time panda kneeled in front of Ranma and lowered his head to the ground. “Please forgive me, son. I never wanted this to happen. I don’t know why I even chose to come here. It just seemed like a good idea at the time. I can’t help it; my brain somehow short-circuits whenever I hear about a new training ground or an unbeatable technique. It’s like my brain is compelling me to try out every insane technique I can get my hands on. I’m still ashamed for trying to teach you the nekoken. I promise you that I won’t rest until I’ve found a cure for your curse.”


The teen didn’t know how to react. He had seen his father use the Crouch of the Wild Tiger ™ more than once, but unlike that pathetic and hypocritical technique this was an honest-to-God apology.