Veela One Half Chapter 2

[Ellen Kuhfeld]

Again it could be done in fewer words:

“Oh yeah?” Ranma challenged his father’s words. “That would be a first. No, seriously now. Tell me the real story or I’ll get very angry. And believe me; you wouldn’t want to see me angry.”

You don't even need to name Ranma here. And as long as you're referencing the Incredible Hulk, he, too, uses fewer words.

"Oh yeah? That would be a first. Tell me the real story, or I'll get angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry."

[Dumbledork]

I really need feedback on the next section. I completely changed it to have react Ranma much more violently and incredulously to Cologne's story. Hope it's better now and plausible. Please, tell me what you think.

OLD

“Excuse me,” Cologne interrupted and stepped in front of the cowering man. “Did you say compulsion?”

“Yes,” he confirmed as he lifted his head. “A voice always tells me to try it out, that it would make the boy stronger, and I simply can’t resist.”

NEW

The elder on the other hand had a very different reaction. “Excuse me,” she interrupted the apologetic man. “Did you say compulsion?”

“Yes,” he confirmed and lifted his head. “I don’t really understand why, but whenever I find a martial arts scroll or a training manual a seductive voice seems to short-circuit my common sense and I can’t resist the lure to teach them to my son as fast as possible.”

OLD

“I don’t think there’s any viler act than trying to murder one’s own family.”


To say that the teen and his father were shocked would be an understatement. Horrified would come closer, but even that word wasn’t strong enough to describe how they felt. The look in their eyes said it all. You didn’t have to be very perceptive to recognize that this act of betrayal hat literally shut down their minds. They had been witness to several illegal, and even criminal acts over the ten years they’d been traveling together, but never anything so cruel.


Ranma decided that if Cologne’s suspicions proved to be true he’d never voluntarily go back to them. No way in hell would he ever associate with monsters like that. Real monsters probably cared more about their offspring than his family did, as sad as it was. If this was the typical behavior of wizards the pigtailed boy was happy that his father had gotten him away from that world.


Genma had a lot of shortcomings, and he was the first to admit it... inwardly at least, but discriminating against other people was not one of them.

NEW

“I don’t think there’s any viler act than trying to murder one’s own family.


“Oh come on now!” an incredulous Ranma exclaimed not believing a word of what he had just heard. “Next you’ll tell me they eat children and kick puppies for fun.” Then he looked at his father and was quite surprised to see the shocked look in his eyes. No, it was more than shock; it was terror. The old man really seemed to believe the elder’s explanation, outlandish as it may have been.


“Hey, pops,” he tried to get his father out of the shock he was in. “Don’t tell me you believe that bull.” The bespectacled man didn’t react at all. “Hello? Earth to moron,” Ranma taunted his father in order to get him to react.


“Quiet, boy!” He hit his son on the head to get him to shut up. “You don’t know what they’re like. I wouldn’t put it past him to do something like that. You haven’t lived there for as long as I have. You have no idea what life was like. So don’t act like you know everything. She didn’t make it up. Those spells really exist and it’s very possible that it happened the way the elder explained it.”


The haunted look in his father’s eyes had really shaken him up. He’d never seen him so terrified in all of the time they’d traveled together. Yet, he couldn’t believe it; or rather he didn’t want to believe it. If it were true… no, he really didn’t want to think about it. He frantically shook his head in denial and was about to bolt as the sight of his father in such a sorry state had really unnerved him and he didn’t want to be witness to that any longer.


Before he could run away Cologne tripped him with her stick and he heavily fell to the ground face first


“What did you do that for?” He jumped up and yelled at the elder.


“That’s what I should ask you. What were you thinking? “Do you honestly believe that running away will solve anything? You’re a fool and a coward.”


“I am not a coward!” Ranma countered angrily and the elder hid a smile. He had reacted exactly like she’d expected. She was certain that anger was much better in this situation than depression.


“Oh, really?” She taunted. “What else do you call someone who runs at the first sign of trouble? A hero? I don’t think so. A real martial artist would face his problems like a man, but what do I see in front of me? A little boy who’s too afraid to face the truth.”


“You take that back!” He attacked the old woman, but she countered the clumsy attack without even looking at her opponent and threw him to the ground. This continued for a while, but Ranma never even came close to tagging his opponent. A few minutes later he lay in the dirt, completely exhausted.”


“Are you quite finished?” She asked him with a hint of concern in her voice. “You know, sometimes letting it all out is the best solution.”


Much to Ranma’s surprise he was indeed feeling a little better, or at least he could once again think rationally.


“You know, why don’t you forget about your family situation for the moment until I can prove that I am right? For the moment just think about everything you heard. We have the means to find out the truth in the village… if you can wait that long.”


The young martial artist agreed. He’d give her the benefit of the doubt… for the moment. If there really was a way for him to learn the truth inside the village he could wait that long, and if the matriarch’s suspicions were confirmed… well, he’d think about his next step at that moment.


Genma hadn’t noticed any of that as he had been lost in his own thoughts. He knew that he had a lot of shortcomings, and was the first to admit it... inwardly at least, but discriminating against other people was not one of them[…]

[Spokavriel]

Sorry about the delay got caught up in checking out a couple Glenn Beck things. I think he has too thorough a research staff. He's scaring the crud out of me and still ending up right.

“WHAT?” Ranma interrupted the story in a violent outburst. “Are you bullshitting me? NO WAY is that true. You’re full of it, old man. Are you seriously telling me my mom and grandparents would reject me for such a stupid reason?”

“Let me finish,” Genma hissed. “You don’t know anything about the Wizarding World and what purebloods are like. Everything I’ve told you is the truth.”

“Oh yeah?” Ranma challenged his father’s words. “That would be a first. No, seriously now. Tell me the real story or I’ll get very angry. And believe me; you wouldn’t want to see me angry.”

Mom and Grandparents should be capitalized. Was that suppose to be a mangled allusion to the Incredible Hulk at the end? Oh wait it was already called out. Still in this situation I think it would be more likely for Ranma to say Or do I gotta beat cha for it. Meaning win a fight to get the truth since its easy to imagine Genma holding back details for training incentive.

Repeating half your quote?

Not seeing any reason for Ranma, someone just introduced to magic, to trust a truth potion. Its acceptable the way you used it but its something that I can't help but feel a bit put off by. Because from Ranma's perspective he just saw a liar accept something that he doesn't know about or have any proof of what it is before it just now came up. Its like getting someone who has never seen water outside of a cup or sink to accept that you can't drink from the ocean. With that person remaining completely lacking in experience with any body of water.

Edit: Oops I was going to put more in this but I'm getting a bit too out of it to concentrate. I will catch up on the updates tomorrow. Sorry I didn't get through them all tonight.

[LawOhki]

Sorry about the delay got caught up in checking out a couple Glenn Beck things. I think he has too thorough a research staff. He's scaring the crud out of me and still ending up right.[/color]

I don't know, after this you should kind of be disregarded for everything.

[Spokavriel]

No kidding. But have you tried actually looking up anything he's actually saying? I look and look but for things he's actually said and not what others say he's said which I also can't find him saying. Its disturbing.

Anyway back to what this thread is for.

Seeing his father agree so firmly, and without any doubt really rattled the boy and made him rethink his earlier stance. His father had never been so convincing before and he had the sinking feeling that there might be some truth to the story after all. As the sometimes panda saw the state of his son he felt sorry for him. It was much too soon for him to learn the truth as the boy lacked the maturity to digest the ugly truth, but after the accident at Jusenkyo there was no way for him to hide his past any longer. He took his son into his arms and let him weep on his shoulder.

Ok a few other things still got me about this last part of the quote. You are still being too loquacious. Sure they are not saying things but this could be allot more concise. And do you think Ranma would let himself cry like that... It seems just a little too far.

Looking like he's fighting off tears is one thing but actually giving in is another. His break down all the way to crying makes the later question about trying to see them feel wrong.

You also have two perspectives tangled together here it starts with Ranma's but then clearly ends with Genma's those should be seperate.

The bespectacled man sighed. He hated himself for having to kill his son’s last hopes, but there was no way around it. “Impossible!” He assured with sadness in his eyes. “Do you remember what I told you earlier? That they are bigots? Like most other pure-blood wizarding families the Saotomes are xenophobic and refuse to associate with magical creatures of any kind. It simply is beneath them. And even if I have never heard of Veela before I’m sure they qualify as magical creatures.”

Bank Goblins kind of shoots holes in that perception. But maybe the Saotome's never trusted him to see their money much less go near a bank. Anyway I think the more likely threat is if they see Ranma becomes a Magical creature they might kill him thinking it was just some other Wizard's deception. It makes more sense to me.

Before Ranma could get a word in edgewise Cologne had already continued where his father had stopped and he immediately refrained from saying anything as his head was still smarting from the blow he’d received earlier and he didn0t want to have a repeat performance.

Still over wordy and you have a typo on didn't this time.

Ranma couldn’t believe his ears. While he had been angry before he was now ready to explode. “DAMMIT, POPS!” the young martial artist verbally lashed out at his father. “What the hell were you thinking bringing us here? Admit it! You haven’t been thinking at all, like always. You really have the knack of making a bad situation worse than it already is.” And just as the pigtailed boy was about to strangle the life out of the idiot he did something so unexpected and astonishing that his son had completely forgot to kill him: the part-time panda kneeled in front of Ranma and lowered his head to the ground. “Please forgive me, son. I never wanted this to happen. I don’t know why I even chose to come here. It just seemed like a good idea at the time. I can’t help it; my brain somehow short-circuits whenever I hear about a new training ground or an unbeatable technique. It’s like my brain is compelling me to try out every insane technique I can get my hands on. I’m still ashamed for trying to teach you the nekoken. I promise you that I won’t rest until I’ve found a cure for your curse.”

Remember what I said about separating perspectives earlier? Also there are parts of this that just would have been left implied for Ranma. Wish this site had a highlighter but since it doesn't color change time.

Shouldn't you say Bowed instead of kneeled? I know kneeling is part of the process but well the past tense of it is something I have trouble with but it might just be my problem.

I also think Cologne should have some recognition to or reaction for the Neko Ken mention. She did make it clear she knew it in the phoenix pill race fight in both versions.

Now to find the top of the newer block of revisions.

“Oh come on now!” an incredulous Ranma exclaimed not believing a word of what he had just heard. “Next you’ll tell me they eat children and kick puppies for fun.” Then he looked at his father and was quite surprised to see the shocked look in his eyes. No, it was more than shock; it was terror. The old man really seemed to believe the elder’s explanation, outlandish as it may have been.


“Hey, pops,” he tried to get his father out of the shock he was in. “Don’t tell me you believe that bull.” The bespectacled man didn’t react at all. “Hello? Earth to moron,” Ranma taunted his father in order to get him to react.

Instead of Genma being Catatonic this might be your best opportunity to bring up some ideas of just how far the Saotome's went to try to scare some magic out of Baby Ranma before they left the family grounds?

Yeah um you know that crying I pointed out earlier. That's too much of a release for his attempt to bolt in this really long edit to still make sense.

“You know, why don’t you forget about your family situation for the moment until I can prove that I am right? For the moment just think about everything you heard. We have the means to find out the truth in the village… if you can wait that long.”

Highlighting done in this and re-emphasizing Genma's potential lack of credibility just after fighting Ranma down seems 1,000,000% counter productive. Its like saying you know what just forget I slaughtered an infant and made you clean up the blood. That doesn't make you forget anything it deliberately makes it so people have trouble thinking about other things. And Cologne is more than experienced enough to know that.

[Dumbledork]

*sigh*

I think I'll give up. I'll simply go with the old version, get rid of all the angst and see where it goes.

[Spokavriel]

But all of these changes except for the crying are making things better. Why give up when you're doing well?

[Dumbledork]

Okay. I'll try some more.

[Spokavriel]

I see it is posted.

[Dumbledork]

Yeah. I chnaged some of the stuff and dumbed down Ranma's dialogue a bit in the latter parts.

[Spokavriel]

I was planning to read it after finishing rereading the fic that turned up in a fic search before it was posted. In the final Omake of that one now.