Holy Hell Nabiki

[Rei-chan]

Author Note: Heh, sadly I actually seem to be enjoying doing this so here is another little attempt at fanfiction by me. Well let me know where I screw up and if there is anything I might want to add. This is still at best a prologue or base setup for the real story. Not even all the intended cast has put in an appearance yet. Well here we go.
Holy Hell Nabiki Chapter 1
“Well I will talk with you later Nabiki.” “Alright, later Haruka. Remember to keep winning so I can keep raking in the bets.” “Heh, don’t worry. I will.” Nabiki hung up her phone and went on about her way. It had been a somewhat profitable journey into Juuban today. Who would have ever thought it was that easy to muscle in on the booking of bets at a racetrack, well other than Nabiki anyway? She was actually feeling, dare this author accuse her of it, good today rather than just her usual amused. She begins to leave the district to head back to Nerima. Even if she was the most feared Tendo daughter she still couldn’t quite stay out at all hours anywhere she wanted without some repercussions.
She had just walked down a street heading toward the trains to take her back home when something only mildly unusual from her point of view occurred. Charging at her was some sort of odd feminine monstrosity that seemed to have been composed of a lamppost. I don’t recall getting to Nerima already was the last thought on her mind before the creature was within a foot of her. Next all she saw was white.
A few moments later Nabiki opened her eyes to see the monster gone and she was alone on the streets. Only thing somewhat out of the ordinary were the crater she was standing in and the two in the buildings to either side of her. Idly wondering if either Ranma or one of those rumored sailor girls had saved her she began to move on. Once she got aboard the train and on her way home she decided to ask Ranma if he had been following her. After all, while he could actually wind up useful in this field as a form of enforcer for her, she didn’t really want anyone following her around and knowing what she was doing quite yet.
The fact that she refused to carry a house key did not hinder her as she picked the lock and let her in that evening. It seemed everyone else had already gone to bed so she quickly got to her room and turned in for the night. Normally she would have stayed up a few more hours going over her books on either schoolwork or her racketeering. Right now though the fuzzy covers and fluffy pillow where looking too tempting to pass up. She wondered for a moment what could have possibly worn her out so much, but chocked it up to a bit of nerves from having had to handle two rough customers trying to get out of paying their debts at the racetrack.
Earlier that day.
Nabiki was doing her usual at the tracks, namely collecting money from the deadbeats that lost their bets with her. Unfortunately today she met with some that were being difficult.
“We ain’t paying some little kid. Now go away before we make you go.” The burly man muttered, the scent of alcohol strong on his breath even though it was midday. “I need to keep my money for floosies anyway. If you want though, you could have some of my money if you took care of a problem of mine.”
The skinnier of the two seemed to have a lecherous smirk on his face at that comment. Apparently these two had never dealt with Nabiki before, because if they had they would have known anything else said would leave them poor for life. Instead they simply smirked and began to walk off.
“That is beside the point gentlemen. We had a deal and you lost the bet, now pay up. I don’t want to have to ask you again.” Suddenly the two men turned back toward Nabiki and began to invade her personal space. If this had been any of the people back home, she wouldn’t have even flinched but these guys looked like they were seriously going to do something to her. Thankfully she had some help today.
“You two twerps better leave the lady alone before I use you for hubcaps.” Onto the scene walked a handsome looking fellow, if a bit on the feminine side. He was cracking his knuckles when the two men looked over his way. Recognizing the racing uniform and the obvious willingness to beat someone up the two turned and ran. Tossing their money behind them in fear of possibly being chased after. Nabiki collected the money and turned to her help of the day.
“Thanks Haruka, I wasn’t expecting that to turn quite that ugly. Most people are a bit afraid to try something like that.” “No problem Nabs, but you really shouldn’t be booking bets on our racing. Especially when you know who will win.” “Don’t call me Nabs Haruka and I won’t tell your fan girl club you are a woman.” “Err.. right okay then hehehe. Talk to you later Nabiki.” Haruka turned around and left from the racetrack for the day.
Moments before falling asleep.
“Sleep. Must get sleep. Very tiring day tomorrow.” At this point Nabiki was just mumbling to herself as she was waning into the land of the dreaming. “Have to get Marla to get stronger coffee..zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.”
Next morning.
Nabiki got up and stretched the kinks out of her back and then began to get ready for the day. She managed to avoid the usual chaos of the others and got into the bath without incident. After a refreshing wash and soak she was dressed in a casual flick of her wrist and wondered downstairs to see what today’s menu was, as well as what chaos was brewing for her to profit off of.
“Ranma, would you at least stop taking off your shirt to dry it like that every time you get tossed into the pond?” Apparently Akane was in a fairly normal mood this morning.
“What do you mean? I am just wringing the water out, is that so wrong?” Ranma was as usual either clueless as to what offended Akane about his standard behavior or was just trying to rile her. At this time Nabiki was no longer sure exactly which the case was when it came to the rambling wreck that was Ranma.
Nabiki just slipped right in to her customary spot at the table and began to eat. Breakfast theatre was always one of her favorite things of the day and it always led to an interesting show for lunch and dinner as well. Unfortunately it didn’t seem as if anything truly new was happening this morning though, so not much of a chance for as big a profit as she would like. Would seem like today would be fairly typical, plus it had been about two weeks. That meant that Ryouga should be showing up sometime today and that might at least lead to a good bit of profit because some people still bet on Ryouga getting a lucky shot in.
As Ranma continued to try and steal his father’s food while protecting his own, the Tendo’s did their usual morning routine. Akane looked as if she was going to hurt someone for the indignity she suffered and Soun read from his newspaper, barely aware of the world. Kasumi was her usual cheerful self and was about to refill Nabiki’s cup of tea when Nabiki suddenly recoiled from her presence. Kasumi, being herself, assumed that it must have been from almost hitting her sister with the hot teapot. Nabiki honestly had no idea why she suddenly felt a degree of… was it almost pain, at Kasumi’s nearness. Most of the other’s didn’t notice this, but Ranma had caught it out of the corner of his eye. After a few moments Nabiki looked back up after having finished eating and he happened to catch, if only for a moment, what appeared to be a red star on her forehead.
Ranma thought to himself that this wasn’t a good sign. Nabiki shouldn’t have facial markings like that on her, surely the others saw it? But looking around at everyone else it would appear that they had not seen them. Perhaps he needed his eyes checked or else his life was just about to get a bit more interesting.

[deathgeonous]

Story wise it's pretty good, you just need a little more detail in the telling of telling it. Try just expaineding what you have here, and it'll be great.

[Tovath]

Good start. the one problem I can see is why is Nabiki talking on the phone to Haruka at the begaining of the chapter.

[DCG]

Hild, while not liking how bell reminds her about urds dad, can be around her just fine.
So why does nabiki react to kasumi?

[Atlan]

When I did english in school in 2006, my teacher told me that, as a rule, you have to have dialalogue from diferent speakers on different lines.

“Well I will talk with you later Nabiki.” “Alright, later Haruka. Remember to keep winning so I can keep raking in the bets.” “Heh, don’t worry. I will.”

“Well I will talk with you later Nabiki.”
“Alright, later Haruka. Remember to keep winning so I can keep raking in the bets.”
“Heh, don’t worry. I will.”

[Rei-chan]

Hm... good point DCG, I might have to take that part out. Expanding ehh... I will try to. I always feel I am a bit wordy as it is. That phone call bit may be edited out, that was there mostly to help me get started on the story. I always have to 'boot up' the tale before I can begin telling it. Thanks for the comments.

[Metroidvania]

Have to get Marla to get stronger coffee..zzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Is this an intentional mix of Mara and Marrler?

Ranma thought to himself that this wasn’t a good sign. Nabiki shouldn’t have facial markings like that on her, surely the others saw it? But looking around at everyone else it would appear that they had not seen them. Perhaps he needed his eyes checked or else his life was just about to get a bit more interesting.

This happens once or twice more in the story as well.
You seem to either switch from a normal character's viewpoint to that of the omnipresent narrator without pause, or change some of the paragraph back to dialogue...
One way I could see to fix this would be to make the eyes bit actual spoken dialogue....
"Man, I gotta need my eyes checked..."
followed by narration...
Or perhaps, his life was about to get a bit more interesting.
(shrugs)
Good story thus far, I'm wondering how exactly you're going to spin off Haruka finding out Nabiki's being the queen of demons.

[Rei-chan]

Yeah, I have some bad habits with names. Need to remember its Marrler.

[crystlshake]

She begins to leave the district to head back to Nerima.

began- to keep past tense
May consider placing the internal dialouge in single quotes or seperating it out like normal diaolouge.

Only thing somewhat out of the ordinary were the crater she was standing in and the two in the buildings to either side of her.

The only things out of the ordinary were the trio of craters around her. --the line as it was originally written gives the impression of her being in an alleyway or otherwise equally inbetween two buildings.

The fact that she refused to carry a house key did not hinder her as she picked the lock and let her in that evening.

let herself in
-kinda odd that no one stayed up to wait for her or make sure she made it home ok
Perhaps insert some kind of notation such as a series of dashes to indicate the scene break.

Now go away before we make you go.

Now scram! or some similar line, the double go makes it kludgy

The skinnier of the two seemed to have a lecherous smirk on his face at that comment.

of the two gained a lecherous smirk -to indicate a change of tracks for the thought train

No problem Nabs, but you really shouldn’t be booking bets on our racing.

on our races.

Don’t call me Nabs Haruka and I won’t tell your fan girl club you are a woman.

Quit calling me Nabs Haruka or ill tell your fan club your a woman. -or something that seperates the names from being next to eachother in the sentance.

Nabiki got up and stretched the kinks out of her back and then began to get ready for the day.

Nabiki got up stiffly, stretching the kinks out of her back to get ready for the day.

After a refreshing wash and soak she was dressed in a casual flick of her wrist and wondered downstairs to see what today’s menu was, as well as what chaos was brewing for her to profit off of.

she dressed with a casual flick of her wrist and wandered downstairs to scope out the morning menu and the ever profitable chaos brewing around it.

Would seem like today would be fairly typical, plus it had been about two weeks. That meant that Ryouga should be showing up sometime today and that might at least lead to a good bit of profit because some people still bet on Ryouga getting a lucky shot in.

Today seemed like it would be fairly typical. It had been about two weeks since Ryoga's last appearance though so the poor saps who still bet on the long shot may be lining her pockets before the end of the day.

After a few moments Nabiki looked back up after having finished eating and he happened to catch, if only for a moment, what appeared to be a red star on her forehead.

looked back up as she finished eating ?

Ranma thought to himself that this wasn’t a good sign. Nabiki shouldn’t have facial markings like that on her, surely the others saw it? But looking around at everyone else it would appear that they had not seen them. Perhaps he needed his eyes checked or else his life was just about to get a bit more interesting.

Either he needed his eyes checked or else his life was about to get just a bit more interesting.
-Does he only see the mark for just that one instant or just out of the corner of his eye (i.e. only peripherialy)?
-Perhaps instead of 'she shouldnt have facial markings like that'- something more along the lines of wondering what it was (since hes thinking it could be a trick of the light or just his eyes)

[Innortal]

Not a bad start, though I do have to wonder how she became Hild thanks to a walking lamppost.

[Rei-chan]

Actually it was some generic sailor moon monster attacking her. The reason her Hild state was started up was in response to the potential threat. Hild had intended to take a break while incarnated as Nabiki so therefore at this moment Nabiki doesn't know she is really Hild. In this story she has always been Hild since birth, she just is unaware of that fact rather than some sudden fusion of the two.
Hm.. actually I might have a reson why the Nabiki/Hild would shy away from Kasumi. Quite frankly I can think of no pure kind example out there, even Belldandy falls short. I seem to recall a few instances where Belldandy seemed to exert a bit of jelousy and even wrath that I honestly do not ever recall seeing come from Kasumi.

[Innortal]

True, but Belldandy is a holy entity as well. I think you are confusing Hild for a Mazuko, who feed off negative emotions. Also, Hild must always exist, so you may change it to be a small part of her, like she did in the later part of Season 2 for A!MG, where she broke off a 1/1000 of her power, creating another Hild that stayed on Midgard to watch the Norns, and deal with Marller.

[Mitchell]

And please don't rehash the fannon 'Kasumi is the eptimone of all goodness' that is portrayed though fanon. While Very nice and kind, I would say that hse is similar to Bellandy. SHe has shown episodes of anger, and occasionly does things that bring suffering to others.

[Tovath]

I would like to point out that when the Ghost Cat first showed up Kasumi called Shampoo over after hearing that the Ghost Cat was looking for the person with the bell. One can't be sure Kasumi isn't without negative emotions.

[Innortal]

She also did bring in the cats to help Ranma over his fear of them. The oni episode, her evil was simply a lack of imagination, and the worst she does to them aside from that is go 'meh!' to Genma.
Actually, she can be seen as semi-dark because she made Akane promise not to hit Ranma out of anger, and did nothing when that promise was broke.
She even gave Akane the mallet that she is so associated with.