"And If That Don't Work?" Chapter 2

[Sunshine Temple]

Here's the next chapter of my fic that'
s not a "Fukufic"

So enjoy the next part of my Neo Genesis Evangelion Fic "And If That Don't Work?"

Chapter 2: Core Competencies found here


V2 and above have been changed.

The flashback scene has been changed from 3rd person personal to 2nd person Gendo

[deathgeonous]

Um, sorry, don't see it there.

[Winchester]

I liked the whole military insight into the NERV (dis)organization - "you mean they actually got someone to fund this bullshit!?", as well as the "Shinju does an Alucard". Actually, I like pretty much all of this.

A few minor quibbles with spelling - you're using "capitan" interchangeably with "captain", in too many instances to list. A search-and-replace would probably deal with that...

So, Asuka is showing up in the next chapter, right? I wonder what she'll make of the situation - triplets, Russians, training and all... (Not to mention Kaji - his and Misako's interactions should be golden moments...)

SP

[Atlan]

Um, sorry, don't see it there

I see it. Nice.

I probably can't be trusted to give a fair view of the chapter- I love Evangelion (and all other mecha anime), and I love millitary fiction. Heck, I like gender-swap anime/managa.

Still, awesome. I really liked Gendo's speach, and the mental picture of the Evas wading through angel insides to find the core.

Question: Is the layout intentional? I mean, you cut from the angel invading, to Shinju and Rei destroying it, to the preperations and planning, to the victory presents. Is it supost to be out of chronological order? Because I found that very confusing. I scrolled up about a dozen times to try and figure out if I'd immagined them destroying the angel, or if I'd skimm read over another one.

[deathgeonous]

Hmm, that's odd, because I click on that link and I can only see under "Add If That Don't Work" the prologue and chapter one and it says the last time that that page has been changed is in November or something. Why am I not seeing this and you guys are? Any ideas? And anyone else have this problem?

[Sunshine Temple]

Winchester
I liked the whole military insight into the NERV (dis)organization - "you mean they actually got someone to fund this bullshit!?", as well as the "Shinju does an Alucard". Actually, I like pretty much all of this.
[Shinju does an Alucard... Ahh... delightful.

[Yeah, Nerv's procurement always made me raise my eyebrow.

A few minor quibbles with spelling - you're using "capitan" interchangeably with "captain", in too many instances to list. A search-and-replace would probably deal with that...
[Thanks. Just did the S&R right now, updated with V1c

So, Asuka is showing up in the next chapter, right? I wonder what she'll make of the situation - triplets, Russians, training and all... (Not to mention Kaji - his and Misako's interactions should be golden moments...)

[Following the canon. There's Jet Alone and then Asuka.

[Yes, wondering how she'll take the situation will be... interesting.
[As well as Kaji. Poor spook

SP

Atlan
I see it. Nice.

I probably can't be trusted to give a fair view of the chapter- I love Evangelion (and all other mecha anime), and I love millitary fiction. Heck, I like gender-swap anime/managa.

[My, then this should be a good mix for you.

Still, awesome. I really liked Gendo's speach, and the mental picture of the Evas wading through angel insides to find the core.

[Competition brings out Gendo's... extroverted side.
[Thanks, I did want to do something different with Ramiel.

Question: Is the layout intentional? I mean, you cut from the angel invading, to Shinju and Rei destroying it, to the preperations and planning, to the victory presents. Is it supost to be out of chronological order? Because I found that very confusing. I scrolled up about a dozen times to try and figure out if I'd immagined them destroying the angel, or if I'd skimm read over another one.

[It was intentional. I felt that detailing the planning would spoil the attack.
[However, I felt that the planning needed to be shown.

[I was hoping that this split would make it clear that Gendo was recalling the planning scene

[[
Once again, Gendo hid his expression behind his hands. Watching the two gore, soaked behemoths march under his command almost made up for the day's earlier failings. After a frustrating afternoon, the evening was definitely looking up.

***************

That afternoon had taken a decidedly sour turn. His hands folded onto the table, Gendo scowled. This time, he had no intention of hiding his emotional state. The situation was unacceptable, and was made worse by his inability to immediately blame anyone. At least Captain Ayanami's quick orders had prevented catastrophic damage to Unit 01 and the Fourth Child.

]]

[Ways to make that easier to understand? I don't want to just go "Flashback!"


deathgeonous

Hmm, that's odd, because I click on that link and I can only see under "Add If That Don't Work" the prologue and chapter one and it says the last time that that page has been changed is in November or something. Why am I not seeing this and you guys are? Any ideas? And anyone else have this problem?

[It sounds like your browser hasn't updated to the latest version.
[You can do a force refresh. That should do it.

[Just in case here's the url of the chapter itself

http://www.fukufics.com/fic/UMG_ch2.htm

[Kilich]

A few minor quibbles with spelling - you're using "capitan" interchangeably with "captain", in too many instances to list. A search-and-replace would probably deal with that...
[Thanks. Just did the S&R right now, updated with V1c

That was a mistake? I thought that you used it because capitan is captain in Russian.

Edit.

This is one of few stories where I wasn't facepalming as I read what, as the author thought, was 'Russian humor'.

In other words, Great job!

[deathgeonous]

Forcing the refresh got it, now I'm off to read it. Thanks Sunny.

[deathgeonous]

Hmm, well I read the entire fic, and while I was more looking for plot holes, plot fumbles, and just plain plot problems, I did notice some spelling and grammar errors, even one in chapter one that just up and bitch slapped me, sorry though I forgot where it was, but I saw nothing wrong with the plot, other then maybe the order of scenes at the end. Unless there was supposed to be a flash back notice. It would make more sense to me at least to put the planing session right before the fight. Other then that, good job, thanks for writing this, looking forward to the final version, bye for now.

[Sunshine Temple]

Kilich

That was a mistake? I thought that you used it because capitan is captain in Russian.

[Nah, it was a mistake. I didn't use that spelling nearly consistently enough to even pretend that's what I was attempting.

This is one of few stories where I wasn't facepalming as I read what, as the author thought, was 'Russian humor'.
[Heh, that's good.
[I tried to avoid any obvious "Russian humor".
[It was more generic military (griping about things), and special forces (more sardonic griping) humor. Though cynical and fatalistic noting of failure if Russian.

In other words, Great job!

[Good, glad you enjoyed it.
[Thanks for commenting


deathgeonous

Hmm, well I read the entire fic, and while I was more looking for plot holes, plot fumbles, and just plain plot problems, I did notice some spelling and grammar errors, even one in chapter one that just up and bitch slapped me, sorry though I forgot where it was,

[Real shame about that. You sure you don't remember?
[Can you recall any of the typos?


but I saw nothing wrong with the plot, other then maybe the order of scenes at the end. Unless there was supposed to be a flash back notice. It would make more sense to me at least to put the planing session right before the fight. Other then that, good job, thanks for writing this, looking forward to the final version, bye for now.


[I really don't get this. As I said before, the planning was moved to give the fight a bit of surprise.
[Excelsior wouldn't come as a surprise to the reader if you just read the scene where they plant it.

[And I tried to make it clear in the scene transition

[[
[[
Once again, Gendo hid his expression behind his hands. Watching the two gore, soaked behemoths march under his command almost made up for the day's earlier failings. After a frustrating afternoon, the evening was definitely looking up.

***************

That afternoon had taken a decidedly sour turn. His hands folded onto the table, Gendo scowled. This time, he had no intention of hiding his emotional state. The situation was unacceptable, and was made worse by his inability to immediately blame anyone. At least Captain Ayanami's quick orders had prevented catastrophic damage to Unit 01 and the Fourth Child.

]]

[What more should I have done?
[Seriously, is this an attempt to be obtuse?
[When reading how else do you know that a scene takes place before others?

[I thought saying "Flashback!" would be a bit too obvious.

[deathgeonous]

Um, sorry if I was confusing, you were fine with that order, it was totally clear to me what went where, I was just wondering if it was a mistake. I thought that it might be, but yet it might not be... ah well I see that you intended to put it in that order, and, yes it works, and it did do what you intended, it was just a surprise to me to suddenly go back a scene, that's all. Sorry if I wasn't clear, I wasn't trying to sound like an ass or anything.

[Ahye]

Good chapter, didn't spot any obvious spelling or grammer errors, and the plot seemed good. Only problem was the arrangment of the last little bit. Perhaps something like headers with 'Angel attack T-2 hours' or giving the date and time or something like a '2 hours earlier' header. Can't think of any ideal way to do it, although without anything it was confusing.
My favorite part was the bit about Shinju making a good Russian wife once she becomes strong enough to chop wood. This is, no doubt, using only one hand to chop, while holding off wild animals with the other hand. Sounds like perfect Russian humor.

[Ellen Kuhfeld]

"Watching the two gore, soaked behemoths..." should be "Watching the two gore-soaked behemoths..."

[Sunshine Temple]

deathgeonous
Um, sorry if I was confusing, you were fine with that order, it was totally clear to me what went where, I was just wondering if it was a mistake. I thought that it might be, but yet it might not be... ah well I see that you intended to put it in that order, and, yes it works, and it did do what you intended, it was just a surprise to me to suddenly go back a scene, that's all. Sorry if I wasn't clear, I wasn't trying to sound like an ass or anything.

[That's a relief.
[I know it's difficult. Scenes that are out of time are hard to mix comprehensibility with subtlety.


Ahye
Good chapter, didn't spot any obvious spelling or grammer errors, and the plot seemed good. Only problem was the arrangment of the last little bit.

[Again?

Perhaps something like headers with 'Angel attack T-2 hours' or giving the date and time or something like a '2 hours earlier' header. Can't think of any ideal way to do it, although without anything it was confusing.

[Okay, I don't want to be that obvious, as it really disrupts the flow.
[And it seems a bit insulting to have to spell it out.

[Seriously... how is this confusing?

[[

Once again, Gendo hid his expression behind his hands. Watching the two gore-soaked behemoths march under his command almost made up for the day's earlier failings. After a frustrating afternoon, the evening was definitely looking up.

***************

That afternoon had taken a decidedly sour turn. His hands folded onto the table, Gendo scowled. This time, he had no intention of hiding his emotional state. The situation was unacceptable, and was made worse by his inability to immediately blame anyone. At least Captain Ayanami's quick orders had prevented catastrophic damage to Unit 01 and the Fourth Child.

]]

[Lousy afternoon goes to good evening. Then next scene is lousy afternoon.
[I'm literally flabbergasted here. What's making that too far of a logical leap for the reader?

My favorite part was the bit about Shinju making a good Russian wife once she becomes strong enough to chop wood. This is, no doubt, using only one hand to chop, while holding off wild animals with the other hand. Sounds like perfect Russian humor.

[Heh. It's also flattering a cute girl.

Ellen Kuhfeld
"Watching the two gore, soaked behemoths..." should be "Watching the two gore-soaked behemoths..."

[Ah... my nemesis the hyphen.
[It always struck me as amusing, despite being crystalline, Rammie was full of blood.

[Ellen Kuhfeld]

[Ah... my nemesis the hyphen.

I wouldn't exactly call the semicolon my nemesis, but we do have a careful relationship.