NGE- And if That Don't Work Ch6 up.

[Sunshine Temple]

Here's yet another chapter of my fic that's not a "Fukufic"

So enjoy the next part of my Neo Genesis Evangelion Fic "And If That Don't Work?"

Chapter 6: Quality Control can be found here

[frice2000]

"Let's just hope that little girls are the ones doing all the buying,"

Great now I wonder how many child molesters and lolicon fans survived the Apocalypse. Considering its Japan probably many.

"Huh...I heard a rumor only girls could pilot."

Cute reference to various shows, however I would think most people would know that the Third Child had died and especially in the NERV and intelligence community that people would know he was a male.

The central camera zoomed in and held...

I don't think this adds to the scene. Would be better without any detail about the cameras in my opinion.

"My dear Professor, why would Shinju disagree with that? She misses Her almost as much as I do."

What an idiot. Doesn't he realize that the girl is making a ton of emotional and social connections with hundreds of people that she's not going to want to see die. Unlike Shinji she isn't an isolated nut. Sure she is kind of crazy and 'closer' to her father but the chances of someone who thinks they are saving tons of people suddenly being willing to let billions die...heh.

giant guns, an finally

Think 'an' should be 'and'.

"ProCo?" Misako whistled. "South Asian Prosperity Combine was pretty ruthless."

Really obvious that you were explaining it for our benefit. I think you can eliminate her saying the acronym and simply whistling before simply saying the full title. It would be slightly less obvious then.

"Head... jars."

Feels to me like head should be followed with a question mark since Asuka is sorting through the military jargon.

enemy's increasing intelligence,"

Referring to intelligence as in growing smarter or military intelligence? Guess it doesn't matter as the line can be read both ways.

Insana giggled. "Oh yes, the spiral pattern maximizes the interface boundary, and thus the frame divergence!

Hahaha. How can I take this fanfiction series seriously now? You've got tons of dark turns and conspiracies followed by Gothic Barbies and Dr. Insano nods. You're spinning a crazy fic here.

"Granted I do take pride in this confirmation of the obvious superiority of my genes. She does have a degree... granted it's from a University in Berlin," Insana sneered.

Wow that's surprising. So Asuka is his daughter. If he takes a more active role in her life then wow you are going to totally screw up the most screwed up characters in one of the most screwed up animes ever aren't you? I didn't really believe before this point you could really pull it off but you are.

Sister's lessons blossomed in her mind

Interesting perspectives on the angels nice work.

All in all an interesting chapter though it did take a break into the pretty humorous land there for a bit. I'm very interested in seeing how this concludes as the changes you've made to the characters should really break far from the ending of Eva so that it should be near unrecognizable.

[Moira]

A great chapter.

I am wondering if any of the protagonists has any functional family at all.

I also felt very sorry for the poor Angel, that got a rude wakeup call and then got killed . Even angels have a sense of family. I nearly forgot it, that we already got the view from Sandalphon last chapter. She was on her way to learn from her sisters mistakes. Maybe the next sister will learn to hide better. I cant help to wonder, if it is really NERV that are the Villians here, of if the mysterious teacher is orchestrating the whole conflict.

It feels like they could solve the whole mess, if they just got a couple of good family counsellors.

[Sunshine Temple]

frice2000

"Let's just hope that little girls are the ones doing all the buying,"

Great now I wonder how many child molesters and lolicon fans survived the Apocalypse. Considering its Japan probably many.

[Heh.

"Huh...I heard a rumor only girls could pilot."

Cute reference to various shows, however I would think most people would know that the Third Child had died and especially in the NERV and intelligence community that people would know he was a male.

[But those really in the know would know that the Third Child never actually piloted.
[So it's still yet to be shown if a guy could pilot.

The central camera zoomed in and held...

I don't think this adds to the scene. Would be better without any detail about the cameras in my opinion.
[Hmmm, I was thinking they'd help frame the scene and that it is being broadcast.

"My dear Professor, why would Shinju disagree with that? She misses Her almost as much as I do."

What an idiot. Doesn't he realize that the girl is making a ton of emotional and social connections with hundreds of people that she's not going to want to see die. Unlike Shinji she isn't an isolated nut. Sure she is kind of crazy and 'closer' to her father but the chances of someone who thinks they are saving tons of people suddenly being willing to let billions die...heh.

[Gendo was never very good with personal relationships.
[And only kind of crazy?

giant guns, an finally

Think 'an' should be 'and'.
[correct.

"ProCo?" Misako whistled. "South Asian Prosperity Combine was pretty ruthless."

Really obvious that you were explaining it for our benefit. I think you can eliminate her saying the acronym and simply whistling before simply saying the full title. It would be slightly less obvious then.

[Good idea.
[[
"Well, the South Asian Prosperity Combine was pretty ruthless," Misako shrugged.
]]

"Head... jars."

Feels to me like head should be followed with a question mark since Asuka is sorting through the military jargon.
[works.

enemy's increasing intelligence,"

Referring to intelligence as in growing smarter or military intelligence? Guess it doesn't matter as the line can be read both ways.

[Hehe.

Insana giggled. "Oh yes, the spiral pattern maximizes the interface boundary, and thus the frame divergence!

Hahaha. How can I take this fanfiction series seriously now? You've got tons of dark turns and conspiracies followed by Gothic Barbies and Dr. Insano nods. You're spinning a crazy fic here.

[Now now, the Gothic Barbies have been in since Shinju ;p
[Nod? He's enough of a character that I added Spoony Experiment to the disclaimer ;p

"Granted I do take pride in this confirmation of the obvious superiority of my genes. She does have a degree... granted it's from a University in Berlin," Insana sneered.

Wow that's surprising. So Asuka is his daughter. If he takes a more active role in her life then wow you are going to totally screw up the most screwed up characters in one of the most screwed up animes ever aren't you? I didn't really believe before this point you could really pull it off but you are.

[Muhahaha!
[Asuka's father being a brilliant scientist who Soryu got a "donation" from is canon
[Manga mind you, but still canon.
[And something I just had to do,

Sister's lessons blossomed in her mind

Interesting perspectives on the angels nice work.

[Good. They've always been so alien in most works, being implacable unknowable enemies like the weather, or insane homicidal monsters.

All in all an interesting chapter though it did take a break into the pretty humorous land there for a bit. I'm very interested in seeing how this concludes as the changes you've made to the characters should really break far from the ending of Eva so that it should be near unrecognizable.

[Oh yes, things are coming to a head.
[Thanks for the comments.
[Glad you got a kick out of the changes.

[Now the trouble is to keep Insana from stealing the show and totally breaking the tone.

[revisions should be up in version 2b

Moira

A great chapter.
[Thanks.

I am wondering if any of the protagonists has any functional family at all.
[Saddly, no.
[This is a big theme of the Anime where no one has a functional family and everyone has a big bag of issues.
[Interestingly the Ayanami have managed to cludge something together.


I also felt very sorry for the poor Angel, that got a rude wakeup call and then got killed . Even angels have a sense of family. I nearly forgot it, that we already got the view from Sandalphon last chapter. She was on her way to learn from her sisters mistakes. Maybe the next sister will learn to hide better. I cant help to wonder, if it is really NERV that are the Villians here, of if the mysterious teacher is orchestrating the whole conflict.

[To be fair "saving Mother" does require the Angelic Third Impact, which will destroy all non-angelic life on earth.
[That being said Nerv is certainly quite sinister.

It feels like they could solve the whole mess, if they just got a couple of good family counsellors.

[Heh, save the whole Third Impact thing ;p
[But that's part of the tragedy.

[Thanks for commenting.

[I hope to have the next chapter out fairly soon.

[Moira]

[To be fair "saving Mother" does require the Angelic Third Impact, which will destroy all non-angelic life on earth.

Maybe i am speculation too much (or am too drunk right now) but it seems to me that, both sides of the conflict are right and wrong at the same time. Humans dont want a Angelic Third impact and to survive. The Angels want to "save mother" whatever that means, and the Humans are mutilaition her and killing their sisters.

Both have a logical reason for the conflict, and are unable to see the others logic. Well maybe the Teacher and Seele/Gendo and some other higher ups in NERV. No matter that you do, a peaceful coexistence doesnt seem possible. Quite sad. But it fits the overall theme of this fic and the anime.

[Sunshine Temple]

Moria
>>[To be fair "saving Mother" does require the Angelic Third Impact, which will destroy all non-angelic life on earth.

Maybe i am speculation too much (or am too drunk right now) but it seems to me that, both sides of the conflict are right and wrong at the same time. Humans dont want a Angelic Third impact and to survive. The Angels want to "save mother" whatever that means, and the Humans are mutilaition her and killing their sisters.

[Nerv has imprisoned Adam the Angel's mother.
[And Lilith too but that's another story.

Both have a logical reason for the conflict, and are unable to see the others logic. Well maybe the Teacher and Seele/Gendo and some other higher ups in NERV. No matter that you do, a peaceful coexistence doesnt seem possible. Quite sad. But it fits the overall theme of this fic and the anime.

[Yup. NGE is a rather depressing show.
[And there's that Gendo and Seele and the others have their own sinister plots.

[OSMQEP]

I've just recently finished John Clark's Ignition!, so I found myself expecting to hear about the propellants and fuels used in the engines, even if I am more familiar with mechanical systems. (I imagine it is one of the standard jet fuels, oxidized by air.)

I think Hikari's older sister is called Major at one point and Captain at another.

I'm fairly sure that I've noticed other potential errors, but I haven't yet the time on this machine track them down.

Anyway, good job. I especially liked the description of the turbine failure.

[Sunshine Temple]

OSMQEP

I've just recently finished John Clark's Ignition!, so I found myself expecting to hear about the propellants and fuels used in the engines, even if I am more familiar with mechanical systems. (I imagine it is one of the standard jet fuels, oxidized by air.)

[Heh. Yup turbo jets work on pretty vanilla fuel.

I think Hikari's older sister is called Major at one point and Captain at another.

[Good catch. I also have Misako called Major too. Nice catch. Corrected.

I'm fairly sure that I've noticed other potential errors, but I haven't yet the time on this machine track them down.
[Shame. If you see them again, you can drop a line and I'll correct them.

Anyway, good job. I especially liked the description of the turbine failure.

[Thanks. I'm really glad I got that passage to work.

[updated with v2c

[BF110C4]

I am waiting to see Shinju and/or Rei doing their best impression of a Drill Sergeant to the poor, poor Touji, probably as part of a leadership training from the Russians. Bonus points if they do so in front of the little sisters... and Hikari, lets not forget about Hikari.

[Sunshine Temple]

BF110C4

I am waiting to see Shinju and/or Rei doing their best impression of a Drill Sergeant to the poor, poor Touji, probably as part of a leadership training from the Russians. Bonus points if they do so in front of the little sisters... and Hikari, lets not forget about Hikari.

[Hehe
[Though to be fair, Rei and Shinju got relatively soft training.
[But those two are exceptionally obedient and very into performing at their best.

[Asuka's a better example of a tough case. And she would relish having someone greener than her.

[Posting it now on FF.net thanks for all the comments.
[Don't be shy if you have more

[Cheb]

>Dozens of drilled with aligned N2 devices
Ytpo?

>she picked up her Makarov
While I'm not too familiar with guns per se, every time I heard or read about Makarov it was always berated for its outstandingly poor accuracy and high difficulty of aiming. I'm into a long series of zombie apocalypse novels written by a complete gun nut.
P.S. The last time I held a gun it was during my school years, the Kalashnikov disassembling/assembling class. The most notable memory was as I kept getting single shots instead of short bursts, my trigger finger proved to be too quick.
I wonder if they still learn AK in school? It's almost two decades now.

Ikari is so nice, it's so in character for him He's such a bastard it's almost heartwarming.
It's kind of feeling you get from knowing that everything is right in the world.

[Sunshine Temple]

[b[Cheb[/b]

>Dozens of drilled with aligned N2 devices
Ytpo?

[Good catch. This may fix.
[[
In the predawn light Operation Chariot commenced. Dozens aligned N2 devices exploded from their drilled locations in an upward progression.
]]

>she picked up her Makarov
While I'm not too familiar with guns per se, every time I heard or read about Makarov it was always berated for its outstandingly poor accuracy and high difficulty of aiming. I'm into a long series of zombie apocalypse novels written by a complete gun nut.
P.S. The last time I held a gun it was during my school years, the Kalashnikov disassembling/assembling class. The most notable memory was as I kept getting single shots instead of short bursts, my trigger finger proved to be too quick.
I wonder if they still learn AK in school? It's almost two decades now.

[D'oh. I was thinking of Makarov in the caliber (9X18mm) as a generic.
[I'll have her use a Vz 82. That's a good little gun and one her hands could hold well.

[[
Moving her hand a couple inches over she picked up her Vz82 in 9mm Makarov and slipped it into one of the pockets of her ruffled nightgown.
]]


Ikari is so nice, it's so in character for him He's such a bastard it's almost heartwarming.
[Yeah, Gendo's really fun to write for.

It's kind of feeling you get from knowing that everything is right in the world.

[hah, nice reference.

[Thanks for the corrections. Updated with version 2d.