Temple of Ranma's Sailor Senshi Seifuku

(I'm thinking of changing my site a little, and this story is testing those changes out. I was hoping that it would be more agreeable with Internet Explorer (and I think it is), but it's not as agreeable as I had expected. Aside from the pop-up summaries, which is a feature that I have still not resolved, I have no idea why. At the very least, though, I'm hoping that it's an improvement on what I'm currently using (which you can see and compare by following any of the links to the other stories).)

Okay, for those who won't be able to see the summary at my site: Back in the Silver Millennium, there were several royal families that had daughters who were eligible to become the senshi of the Earth. Both the kingdoms of Earth and the Moon Kingdom fell before one could be chosen, but that did not end its resolution. Akane, Ukyo, Shampoo and Kodachi are eager to become the senshi of the Earth, to become more than just reincarnated princesses. Ranma, on the other hand...

The inspiration for this story came from the many stories that were left incomplete as soon as Ranma became a senshi, or shortly thereafter. My guess is that a lot of the authors wrote the stories primarily to see Ranma as a senshi, so there wasn't as much drive or planning beyond achieving that. So, I thought, "why not write a story whose ultimate purpose is just that?" And what came about was an idea for a story that is supposed to end once Ranma becomes a senshi. It's a story about the journey, and all that funky jazz.

Aside from changing my writing style a little, and diffusing my perspective (since I tend to write from the perspective of the protagonist), I'm also going to be writing against my interests, so writing this story is also a personal challenge. I can only hope that it doesn't end up sapping my energy to write the story. XD;;

I think that's all that I have to blather about. Without further ado...

The thingamabob of whatchamacallit.

Ch3 c&c:

My first reaction on reading the first paragraph was that Ranma's reaction was too emotionally sensitive. I'll buy it as a kneejerk reaction to the stress of the visions, but I'm expecting him to settle into being less "touchy-feely". Kasumi subsequently agrees with me that this is odd in paragraph 3, so I like that.

In paragraph 2, "Her sensitive, experienced ears sensed a lot of pain." I didn't like "sensed" being used after "sensitive". That sort of word repetition within a sentence always drives me somewhat bonkers.

I didn't like where Kasumi hoped the memory had been traumatic. From my reading, she is hoping that is was because otherwise she would have missed things that had already been there. To me this is not very sensitive/Kasumiesque, I think her priority would be more to comfort and hope they had not experienced something traumatic than to be worrying about whether or not she was being sensitive. I'm not explaining it very well, but it's like Kasumi's thoughts are putting the cart before the horse. Kasumi questioning/worryingabout her prior sensitivity and not missing anything is fine, but it should never follow a thought like "she hoped that the incident alone had been traumatic".

I liked Ranma's "Why" dialogue with Kasumi, but I thought his fear in addressing the cat was a bit too indirect. I almost missed it and thought he was just calming his nerves from the traumatic memories rather than to fortify himself for talking to the cat.

The still frozen arm went a bit too long without being mentioned. I think maybe Kasumi noticing it while ranma glomped her to cry and worrying that ranma wont catch a cold would be a good way to keep it on the reader's mind before ranma zaps it away with her magic.

The scene where Ranma begins to talk to Nabiki and also when Akane comes in confused me. There seemed to be something important about Nabiki that I forgot (probably because It's been a while since I read ch1/2), and it the narrative seems to imply that Akane knows about Ranma being Hestia, while I thought she didn't know that. On further reflection, I think it would have been better if you had Ranma say it must have been a curse earlier. Maybe like "Now that she knew of Akane's past life as Juno, what she had done to her sister had become obvious. Akane must have used the same disgusting hair growth curse that she had used in the other lifetime."

I liked how Ranma curing Nabiki showed her new character though, willing to help despite the risk of being found out. It developed her well.

The paragraph:

"So long as she didn't have to worry about Ranma, she felt that she could endure whatever the end result would be. Because she didn't think that she would be able to handle being surpassed by the redhead in both lives; especially not when she was hoping to impress the pigtailed boy so much that he would be willing to properly admit his love to her and, in doing so, really commit himself to their relationship. That she had a problem with admitting her own feelings, just like he did, was not important. "

was a bit of a nightmare for me to read. Maybe change it to something more like:

"So long as she didn't have to worry about Ranma, she felt that she could endure whatever the end result would be. She didn't think that she would be able to handle being surpassed by the redhead in both lives; especially not when she was hoping to impress him so much that he would finally admit his love for her properly. It was about time for him to commit himself to their relationship. The fact that she had the same problem admitting her own feelings for him was not important. "

In any event I like the continuing development of the story. While I've liked the parts Kasumi and Nabiki have played, I'm hoping that Akane takes more of a center stage (Not over Ranma as the main character, but over all the other 2ndary characters). I feel that her relationship with Ranma is a very important part of his character, and I'm interested in seeing how it will change.

This is my first time reading any of it. As someone who read it straight through, I can say that it seemed very clear to me that all of the girls knew about Ranma being Hestia, and they were going to great lengths to keep Hestia from awakening or the cat from realizing who Ranma was.

I really enjoyed the direction this story is taking, especially the fact that almost every reason Ranma and Hestia have for not wanting the job are exactly the things that make him/her most qualified for it. Meeting the modern Senshi, especially Moon, might go a long ways towards convincing him that all of the negative things he thought about the job were directly contradictory to what it means, especially now, to be a Senshi. I also enjoy how much the two incarnations have in common, including two sets of bad parents. Many interpretations of Ranma have him not enjoying hurting people and fighting, but instead enjoying a good challenge. Constantly travelling, training himself to always be better today than he was yesterday, was exactly what she had always dreamed of. If only the Panda hadn't screwed things up there as well...

Wyrd wrote:This is my first time reading any of it. As someone who read it straight through, I can say that it seemed very clear to me that all of the girls knew about Ranma being Hestia, and they were going to great lengths to keep Hestia from awakening or the cat from realizing who Ranma was.

Actually you are right it is very clear, I just forgot about it in the time between reading the first two chapters and the third. I just got confused between Ranma needing to make sure the other girls didn't know that he knew versus them just plain not knowing at all.

On that topic though, how do the other girls know? Does Ranma have like a glowing magic stamp on her forehead that says "Hestia"? Is it like they each have their own magical aura that is distinct which they can recognize, and Ranma's gives her away as being Hestia?

Ranma's girl form probably is an exact copy of Hestia's.

Ah, well it looks look I've been an idiot thus far today. I like to think that I was merely getting my quota of idiocy for the month of February out of the way ahead of schedule ;p

Or, maybe, I'm rubbing off on you? ;p

LurkingGrue wrote:My first reaction on reading the first paragraph was that Ranma's reaction was too emotionally sensitive. I'll buy it as a kneejerk reaction to the stress of the visions, but I'm expecting him to settle into being less "touchy-feely". Kasumi subsequently agrees with me that this is odd in paragraph 3, so I like that.

Well, if it helps, that will be explained in the next chapter.

I didn't like where Kasumi hoped the memory had been traumatic. From my reading, she is hoping that is was because otherwise she would have missed things that had already been there. To me this is not very sensitive/Kasumiesque, I think her priority would be more to comfort and hope they had not experienced something traumatic than to be worrying about whether or not she was being sensitive. I'm not explaining it very well, but it's like Kasumi's thoughts are putting the cart before the horse. Kasumi questioning/worryingabout her prior sensitivity and not missing anything is fine, but it should never follow a thought like "she hoped that the incident alone had been traumatic".

The idea that I was trying to convey was that Kasumi thought it better that the reaction was due to a single event, rather than due to something that had been building over time (and possibly between lives), since the latter would be worse. What she hopes for is transient, while what she worries about is hidden pain eating away at the person that she cares about. I figured it'd work for Kasumi because she's (usually) a nice person, and she has a tendency to tell things like they are. Even if the words are or seem insulting/mean.

The still frozen arm went a bit too long without being mentioned. I think maybe Kasumi noticing it while ranma glomped her to cry and worrying that ranma wont catch a cold would be a good way to keep it on the reader's mind before ranma zaps it away with her magic.

I knew I was forgetting something! I'll definitely remember (wait, what?) to stick in a reminder somewhere.

The paragraph:

Saving room saves trees! And kittens! BELIEVE IT!

Ehhhh... I'll see what I can do. I won't go with the example you gave, since a part of it has a message that deviates a bit from what I'm trying to say, but I'll likely make some changes. I did have a bit of trouble with that paragraph, though. Some of that was due to the pronouns used from Akane's perspective.

In any event I like the continuing development of the story. While I've liked the parts Kasumi and Nabiki have played, I'm hoping that Akane takes more of a center stage (Not over Ranma as the main character, but over all the other 2ndary characters). I feel that her relationship with Ranma is a very important part of his character, and I'm interested in seeing how it will change.

Don't worry. Akane has an important role. I'll be getting around to the other girls before she becomes more prominent in the story, though.

Perhaps a revision along the lines of: The outburst was uncharacteristic for both Ranma and Hestia. Kasumi hoped that it was merely the trauma of reliving her death, and not something that happened when she, as Hyppolyta, was no longer there to protect her friend, or a sign that Ranma had been far less stable than she had thought.

Clarify what you mean by Kasumi hoping it was merely one traumatic memory, and make it seem less like Kasumi is more worried that she was unable to spot the problem than with the problem itself. After all, Kasumi does not know how long Hestia lived after her death. In the flashback, you state clearly that Hestia could have healed herself if she had wanted to. Dealing with roving bands of youma and people driven crazy by the influence of Metallia could have generated lots of unpleasant memories between the time of Hyppolyta's death and Hestia's, and Kasumi would know nothing about it.

Well, I've made several revisions based on everyone's insights. I even added two reminders for the ice-covered arm, instead of just one. Not that you'll be able to see them until the next update. Oh, well. XD

I'm even surprised that I've made as much progress as I have with chapter four. Although I won't post an update until chapter six. ;p

Nope. But, if I continue at this rate, the next update shouldn't take any longer than two weeks. If I happen to slow or stall, then I'll upload the progress I've made and make you aware of it.

I'm still trucking!?

Well, this much in so short a time is uncommon for me.

Anyway, because I'm tired and want to go to bed, I didn't give these chapters the final once-over like I usually would. Who knows what kind of mistakes, or lapses in judgement, I've made! Well, maybe... Who knows.

Also, a little note: keep in mind the part with Nodoka. It will be very relevant later on in the story.

And... That's it? I think. Time for sleep. *Collapses* Z_Zzzzzzz

Read the new chapters. Excellent stuff, although I wonder. Does Ranma know that Kasumi is Hippolyta? From what I've seen so far it looks like Ranma doesn't have a clue, or at least he never mentions it when he's alone with Kasumi.

Ranma knows. I've kept it implicit since neither need to point at the other and say, "you're Hestia/Hippolyta, aren't you?" Some time soon it will become explicit, when they get around to "dancing."

While I don't dislike the part with the gender change for Konatsu it does ruin the whole past life, parents wanted her to be a boy thing because it would be absurd to think that only past-Ranma was able to do such a thing. On top of her being not only able to figure out how to do it but the reversal. So if the past life's parents were in the way I get from your writing, they would have switched her at or shortly after birth and had the child they wanted.

Kuno not dying should make it very obvious to Kodachi that either Ukyo or Akane fixed him unless she made it so it would wear off. (easy way around that) However you could use that with her accusing one of them of holding out or something and that leads into all 3 getting paranoid that someone new is around or getting suspicions about Ranma.

The mooncat's plan all but screams backfire. A more open and honest "stop by and say hello to the senshi" seems like it would be better. Not like it would carry any requirement to go after the prize but increasing the amount of people "in" on the secret may either ease Ranma's mind or drive him up a wall.

And it was fairly obvious that Ranma knew exactly who Kasumi was after the memory dump.