Because at that moment, Nabiki was running
The start does catch my interest here. And catches it nicely, and this leading into the rest of the story is good, but could use some more details and less shoe talk. Showing her running rather then have her contemplating shoes, sweating, fearing, etc. While wishing she was in running shoes would probably make this more powerful.
She was meeting with someone in town
Could do with defining that she's meeting a mark.
adventure in man
adventure in a man
she could also didn't mind
remove could
but his exercise was likely strictly aerobic
I get the picture but this isn't really the best way to say it in my opinion.
In the end, it was a relationship doomed to fail. Either the man would break down and go mad from all the pressure, or the wife would find out. And some of those wives could be a real killer. She wouldn't ever get herself into a situation like that. Too much bad mojo. And she had her pride as well.
Think you should cut this down a little. Too much meandering.
He took a glance around the yard.
Nothing about him being put out about that? She is being quite rude, and he is likely above her and her father on the social scale.
She sat down on her bed and looked around the room, hoping that something interesting
Drags a bit here.
reading a manga and not paying much attention to the situation.
Strikes me a bit more as Nabiki herself then something Akane would do.
Furinkan
You keep using that rather then Nerima when that may be more appropriate, the school does not the district of Tokyo make. Nerima. Street view
tragic ending...!
Ellipses and exclamation mark?
"Oh!" Akane said. "A family friend."
Akane doesn't know about a mentally infirm lady who keeps coming and reminding them of their dead mother on her birthday?
"So why are you telling us this?" Nabiki asked
Um...kind of obvious she should understand right away why he's telling them this.
This serial killer or whatever will take one good look at lil sis here and fall instantly in love.
Hmm, Akane saying something like she'll take care of it and then Nabiki saying what follows here would likely be a bit more in character.
of unprofessional-ism, or the sense that she didn't care
Cut down to, 'of being unprofessional.'
Nabiki thought she saw the person she was meeting from the outside, through the windows... She spotted him
Simplify this down, don't need to know so many details.
and then I go home?"
Don't need the 'I'
even practice
even to practice
"Or I'll find a way for you to pay me."
Her facial expression here would be a nice addition.
weather was colder
weather was getting colder or weather was taking a turn
It looked like
It?
A wooden sword?
A bokken? (Though that depends on style wooden sword is ok but it is a little western)
She turned a corner and saw a rectangular green
Needs more threatening bits before this, else her reaction seems over the top. Him following her for awhile works, but not enough setup just yet for this.
I'm going to die. I'm going to die...
Again doesn't strike me as that panicky naturally. Needs more to make this seem plausible for her to be this panicked.
All in all an interesting start. Could use some cutting and additions here and there but as an introduction it did catch my interest, as I said on FFnet.