by Sunshine Temple » Tue Apr 18, 2006 1:34 pm
Reposted with permision
Originally posted on the FFML by Bert Miller <hkmiller@theeddy.com>
Heh. This seems like an interesting time to unleash this bit of spamficcery...
The Few, The Proud, The Chosen
A Ranma 1/2 spamfic by hkmiller
18 June 2006 - FFML draft
All Hail Takahashi Rumiko for creating the Ranma 1/2 characters. No disrespect intended by my unlicensed usage.
- - - - - - - - - -
"Earth to Ranma!" Akane hissed. "Monster trashing restaurant? Time for you to 'vanish'?"
"Not this time, Akane. I'm a guy, and a martial artist, and I'm gonna clobber that monster on my own!" Ranma insisted, easing out of the booth and standing up, fist raised and clenched.
Akane rolled her eyes even as she threw the contents of her water glass in Ranma's face. "Guess again, idiot! What ALWAYS happens when you attack THAT kind of monster with your fists? They're so hard to hurt that it takes you forever! And in the meantime you completely trash the premises! You can't ignore your duty!"
Ranma paused, teeth grinding and fists clenched. "Just once I'd like ta..."
"Your DUTY, Ranma," Akane reminded, her own temper beginning to show. "Which is more than some of us ever get, no matter how much we want it! You know, 'one of the few chosen in all the world' and all that. Now get busy and transform!"
"Damn it, Akane, I gotta have some idea what KIND of monster it is before I know who I gotta transform into!" Ranma spilled the contents of her pockets onto the booth table in front of her, ignoring, for the moment, the odd-looking monster at the other end of the restaurant. A collection of pens, rings, wands, and a wooden stake clattered onto the tabletop.
Oddly, in Ranma's experience, the monster was neither sucking energy from people in general nor searching for a particular person from which to extract the essence of their personality. Rather, it seemed to be inciting a series of rather hateful-sounding conflicts between couples who'd previously been sitting together. At each booth and table it passed, the man and woman began yelling at each other, and sometimes throwing things.
"Let's see... I got both'a my henshin pens with me, but that thing ain't actin' like no youma or daemon I ever heard of. And it ain't just up to mischief like a runaway card. I got my magic microphone, but Idol Angel Ranko ain't gonna be able to do much about that thing."
"You could put everybody to sleep," Akane supplied helpfully, "and stop the fighting."
"Yeah, that might help some. But let's see... also got my medallion for..." Here Ranma's voice dropped to a whisper, "'Holy Kaitou Matahari', but I don't 'xactly see anything needin' stealin' here, neither. Oh, I do got my Devil Hunter ring too, but I left that damn magic eyepatch and all the other stuff at home."
"Magic eyepatch?" Akane asked, raising an eyebrow. "When did you get that? What does it do?"
"Oh, that's right; you weren't around. Well, last week me 'n Ryouga were sparring in some vacant lot. I'd just got splashed when this ditzy samurai appeared outta nowhere and handed it to me. Usual speech about duty. Better outfit than usual, but I get these stupid sword-fighting skills which interfere with real fighting."
Ranma thought for a moment. "Right. Akane, see if you can attract its attention, then lure it outside. I'll put everybody to sleep and then catch up, either as Sailor Sun or Sailor Earth."
Ranma was just raising her magic microphone to her lips to begin singing when the restaurant was invaded by three girls wearing dresses more suited to a wedding than a night on the town.
Akane's eyes lit up. "Hey, it's Wedding Peach! Neat!"
Ranma covered her head with her arms. "Oh, GOD no. Anything but them!"
"Hold, monster! On this pleasant evening, in this fancy restaurant, couples in love should be enjoying each others' company! But you are trying to turn love to hate! This has made me, the Angel of Love, Wedding Peach, extremely displeased!" The leader, Wedding Peach, accompanied this speech with several odd gestures, waving her bouquet around.
While this was happening, the monster struck first, its arms (shaped much like garden hoses) spurting a green mist into the faces of the three girls.
"Oiro-naoshi! Wedding Change!" The three girls cried out in unison, triggering their secondary transformations. Now each wore a very short dress with shoulder pads.
"Wow! I wish I could do that!" Akane said, hands clasped before her chin. "They're so romantic!"
"Bah! I'm leavin', Akane, before-"
At that moment a holographic image of a regal woman wearing white robes appeared before their booth. As she clapped her hands, a ring appeared on the booth table, in front of Ranma. "I am pleased to meet you, Ranma Saotome. I am Aphrodite, ruler of the Angel World."
"Pleased, I'm sure. Now if you'll just excuse me..."
"You must help your new teammates," Aphrodite remarked pleasantly.
"Actually, they're doin' fine on their own," Ranma replied, with a glance back at the battle. Involuntarily, she shuddered as she saw that they weren't.
"Take this magic ring, put it on, and call out, 'Wedding Powerful Flower'."
When Ranma made no move to put the ring on, Akane grabbed it and jammed it on Ranma's ring finger. "Ranma, I don't know why YOU'RE always the one chosen for these things (why can't it ever be ME for once?), but when you're chosen, you're doing it whether you like it or not!"
At Akane's continuing glare, Ranma muttered "Wedding Powerful Flower", almost too low to be heard.
But not too low for the magic to take effect. Immediately Ranma rose into the air, a corona effect brightened the air around her, and a new dress appeared on her body, replacing the oversized red Chinese shirt and black pants she'd been wearing. Ranma found herself wearing a floor-length white dress with purple accents, a hoop skirt, arm-length white sleeves and gloves, and a veil. In her hands she held a bouquet of purple orchids.
"You have now become the Angel of Love, Wedding Orchid," Aphrodite said, beaming at Ranma.
"Ranma! That dress is BEAUTIFUL!" Akane gushed. "Is there any way I could wear it at our wedding?" she asked Aphrodite.
"I'm afraid not, child. The dress cannot be taken off. And I'm not sure it would really fit you anyway," Aphrodite said as diplomatically as possible.
"She's right, Akane. Ya wouldn't really fill in this front part, and the waist'd have to be let out."
"RANNNNNNMA..." Akane clenched a fist. "You didn't have to say it like that!"
Ranma noted the warning signs and decided that joining the battle would be the better part of valor. Hopping over the table, Ranma darted into the fray. "So what kinda attacks do I got?" she called over her shoulder to Aphrodite.
"Your bouquet can fire anti-devil celebratory rice at high velocity."
"Rice. Right." Ranma rolled her eyes, even as she launched herself into battle to join her new teammates.