Humerous Quotes and Sayings

[Kaiser Convoy]

Oldie but a goodie...

Visualize whirled peas.

It will be a great day when schools get all the money they need, but the military will need to hold a bake sale to buy a bomber.

This is a little story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.
There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it.
Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.
Somebody got angry about that because it was Everybody's job.
Everybody thought that Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it.
It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.
"That's not my job!"

[Battlekrome]

http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Main_Page
good lord an entire page with nothing but quotes...

[Neko-]

Quotes... I do have one list from an old anime channel I still hang out in... There's quite a few memorable ones in there (and I'll try keeping the quotes PG rated): All quotes below courtesy of #anime-etc and it's insane crew:

I know what you're thinking, you're thinking "How do I know what you're thinking", well I know everything!! And so does your Internet Service Provider. - Mr. Hell

"I've seen monkey shit fights at the Zoo more organized than this." - The Replacements

* MousseSSJ runs around the room chanting RECOUNT RECOUNT!!!!!!!
zoob throws a bucket of cold water at MousseSSJ.
* MousseSSJ is flying aroung the room holding signs RECOUNT RECOUNT

"God gave men brains bigger than dogs so they wouldn't hump womens leg's at coctail parties - Ruth Lybby"

Sometimes it is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.

FYI: I am not a creative person, so no more amusing quotes from me till i start smoking and drinking again

Miroku: "Ah! What kind of sorcerery is that?" | Kagome: "I think he's just beating the crap out of them." (Inuyasha)

wtf yaoi is gay

we arent perverted.. we just have a unique way of looking at things

How do you cap bandwidth?
Tie your network cable in knots

There's 267 quotes in that file, but most should be rated NC Not gonna post those on here.

[Daniel Jess Gibson]

Are you professionally stupid, or just a gifted Amateur? - Jose Rocha
Ignorance is curable, stupid is forever - Elizabeth Gibson
The only stupid question is 'why didn't you ask for help before this?' - Albert Simons
The enemy of my enemy, can usually be eaten in peace - The Scholarly Dragon

[camk4evr]

These are taken from the character sheet for "Excel Excel" played by Neospanner in Thrythlind's VirusRPG.

Name: Family name, Excel. Given name, Excel. Just call her Excel, for
short.
Mother: Excel
Father: Excel
Age: 8
Race: Human (theoretically), Born Female, does not change
Skills: Excel isn't smart. She isn't dextrous. In fact, just about the
only useful skill she possesses is sheer, unbridled enthusiasm. When she
sets her heart on something, nothing, not even death, can stop her for
long. Raw, bloody-minded determination will often make up for her
near-total lack of any other kind of ability. She also possesses lethally
bad luck, which trips her up at every step, and occasionally takes her
life. Fortunately, she has the Great Will of the Macrocosm backing her up,
a powerful, yet flighty, entity representing the entire universe, who
ressurrects Excel every time she dies in order to make certain that she
lives on to fulfill her "destiny", whatever that may be.

Brief History: "I, Koshi Rikudo, creator of the Excel Saga manga, hereby
authorize my creations to be turned into a cheap Robert Heinlein ripoff
and inserted into an online Role Playing Game!" *Stamp of Approval*
Excel was conceived one day when her mother, Excel, was jabbering on and
on about how wonderful her glorious leader Il-Palazzo was. She had been
going at it for a good three hours, without apparently stopping to
breathe, and Il-Palazzo was getting a really big headache. Irritably, he
told Excel to go f#@& herself. Excel, being Excel, instantly snapped to
attention, left the room, and gave it her best shot. It was a command from
Il-Palazzo, after all.
Nine months later, a daughter was born. Excel gave her new child her
father's family name (Excel) and her mother's given name (Excel). Young
Excel Excel (or just Excel, for short) had her mother's eyes, and her
mother's hair, and really, when it came down to it, was pretty much
exactly like her mother in every possible way. This is hardly a
coincidence, as Excel is destined to one day travel back in time, finish
high school in the past, join the organization her mother belongs to, and
eventually grow into the very same Excel that gave birth to her. So, her
mother is her daughter, and vice-versa. Excel typically refers to her
mother as "Grandpa", which, while technically just as correct as "mother",
annoys the woman to no end, even though she remembers doing the same thing
to her own mother when she was young.
It's not at all confusing. Really. ^_^;;
Excel's relationship with her mother is more like that of quarrelsome
sisters than mother-daughter. They are frequently rivals with one another
over some goal, and almost always end up bickering when in each other's
presence. In spite of this, they can frequently be found teaming up
together to accomplish a goal. When they do, they can be almost
frighteningly coordinated with one another - no real surprise, considering
that their minds are wired exactly the same way.

[Chirishman]

Sometimes it is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.

hey Neko did you know that you were quoting Abraham Lincoln?
Are fic quotes ok too? here are some of my favorites.

"WAI!"
(Usagi just saw either something very cute or something to eat,) mused both Naoko and Mamoru with weird synchronization.
"What KAWAII candies!"
"Good lord, she's managed to find both," muttered Mamoru under his breath.

"'Dear Ranma Yagami. I send this letter as another invitation for battle; it is not a challenge. An acquaintance of yours, one 'Min Bogard', violated my territory today and fought me. She was dispatched using force, but has suffered no significant injuries, and will be held at the location marked on the attached map. If you come to this location, you will be forced to fight me for her release. If you do not come, then I will-'"
Ranma stopped reading, and his eyes bulged. Shampoo and Yurumi leaned in closer, nervous but intrigued.
"'If you do not come, then I will release Min to her home at six o' clock tonight, completely unharmed. Sincerely, Hashiru Yamazaki.'"
-Yagami 1/2 by Black Dragon6

Mousse blushed and lowered his head. "Even if my most hated enemy Saotome Ranma has tarnished her reputation, I will always love Shampoo."
"Dooormaaat…" Sano said in a soft sing-song voice.

"Hearken. My agony doth overcome me," Kuno said with a wince, slowly rising from the grass.
"Can't he say 'ouch' like a normal person?" Ranma muttered.

"Great-Grandmother say that people are reborn until they get the story of their lives right. When everyone manages that, the world will vanish and be replaced with a potato." She paused. "That's not right."

Akane pondered the situation. <Kill him or thank him? Kill him or thank him? Hmm, first more lemonade.>
-A New Beginning by Lerris

"Ranma!" "WAUGH!!"
Ranma shot upright as Sakura forced one of his eyelids open, knocking into her. Sakura, surprised and clumsy as she was, grabbed onto him to keep her balance, only to get her legs tangled in his and cause them both to fall over.
This left Ranma in the both envious and awkward position of being straddled on his back with his face planted between Sakura's breasts. Briefly a thought passed as to what Happousai would give to be him. That line of thinking was soon replaced.
'Don't move... don't talk... don't breathe... if you stay absolutely still, she might not notice you. Yeah, that's it...'
-Guardian by Black Dragon6

'DAPC parking only. All others will be torched.' sign, complete with a little stick figure roasting an automobile with a flamethrower. Snake had signed his name at the bottom in felt pen.
-Guardian by Black Dragon6

Snake stepped out into the open, his sandy hair waving slightly in the light breeze, which also served to draw away the smoke wafting from the barrels of his vulcan cannon.
"Terrorists killed: 13. Civilian casulaties: 0. Hoo yeah!"
He shot a glance at the cover he had used during battle, an oversized fiberglass statue of Sailor Chibi Moon, now riddled with bullets, and smiled.
"And nothing of value was lost!"
-Guardian by Black Dragon6

Junko giggled and hooked an arm around Snake's waist. "You ever hear about a little word called 'overkill', hon?"
Snake rolled his eyes. "Of course I have. That's an old joke." He turned to his companions. "Hey, did you guys know there are actual laws banning the use of thermonuclear devices in city-based police operations?"
-Guardian by Black Dragon6

"Department of Abnormal Phenomenae Containment?"
Snake smiled slightly. "Ah, I see you havn't heard of us."
"Actually, I have."
"Drat."
-Guardian by Black Dragon6

Hmm," Ranma mused as he took a sip of his coffee. "Hey, do all lawyers go to Hell?"
"No, only the ones who are any good." Death sipped his own coffee, then stared down into his mug, idly tapping a single skeletal finger on the outer rim of the cup.
-Yagami 1/2 by Black Dragon6

Ikuko opened the kitchen door carrying the tea. It was then that things
went to hell. Ranma's blood froze in his veins as a monster entered the
room.
He trembled with terror as the deadly predator stalked up behind the
purple haired woman, its lithe body flexing, ready to kill. Its deadly,
razor-sharp claws prepared to rend flesh from bone. Its evil, glowing
eyes burning with hate and malice. Then it hunched back, and opened its
maw to expose its jagged, flesh-ripping teeth and voice its horrible,
soul-chilling battle cry...
"Meow?"
- Awkward Consequences by PsyckoSama

Ranma smiled and in a wizened, Yoda like tone he stated “Never underestimate the persuasive power of a cute Japanese school girl.”
Haruka nodded. “True dat. True dat.”
-All My Outers by PsyckoSama

"Well, I might have gotten angry," he said with a shrug. "Course, I might have decided I wanted a tuna sandwich too."
Usagi blinked. "What's that supposed to mean?"
"I dunno," he replied as he continued walking away.
- Insertion by Sean D'Anna

Master Hibiki: Ryouga? What's wrong?
Ryouga: Never...take a ride in a space taxi...just don't.
-Elseworlds by John Biles

The Gods smiled at the event. Scratch that. Most of the Goddess smiled at the event. Most of the God were rolling on the floor laughing their divine butts off. A few of the Gods took pity on Ranma and gave him a few blessing. Kami-sama chuckled as he watched from his office. He pressed a key. This was going to be fun...
The angel at the front desk shivered. She hated it when Kami-sama cackled evilly.
-Earthchild Anime Addventure

The last thing that Ranma heard was someone shouting, "I, DAMARAMU, can not be hurt by such a puny attack! You missed all my vital spots."
He appeared to have an arrow stuck through his head.
-Ta'avern 1/2 by John Biles

"Holy crap," Ranma muttered out loud as the tall kendoist
disappeared from view. "I just took love advice from Kunou."
-NewRanma by Chris Jones

Blinking a few times, the librarian noticed Ranma and Mara in front of him. "Oh, I'm sorry. I was a little preoccupied with my favorite book. When things become slow, I sometimes like reading it to give me a good laugh." The librarian took off his glasses and closed the book. Ranma noticed the title on the front cover in the strange language that he somehow now understood, saying "Inferno" by Dante. Had Ranma known the contents of the book, he would have massively sweatdropped. However, he did not have a clue and so ignored it.
- Pursuing a New Path by ranmafan1

Relaxing onto his shoulder, Ranma reconsidered her opinion of the man. He might be a bit odd, he might see her as his dead daughter, and he might have vats of distilled evil stored under the floorboards, but anyone who can make coffee this good can't be all bad.
- Destiny's Child by Fire

Surrounded by blank looks, Luna jumped onto Sailor Jupiter's lap for some petting and took a moment to appreciate the luxury of having all the Senshi on one team like they were supposed to be. "If the Inner Senshi were policemen, the Outers were soldiers. I mean no disrespect, but because of their isolation, they tended to have stronger powers. You girls have pistols, the Outers had rifles, and Sailor Saturn was a little girl with an atomic hand grenade.
- Vengeance And A Half by Fire

"I can do nothing to stop you. Your background music is too strong for me."
- Sam Johnson, Whose Line is it Anyway?

Ryoga, being who he is, blinked in shock and promptly drifted off into a pink fluffy fantasyland. ‘She likes me…she really likes me…’ he sang in his head, absent mindedly wondering where all the bunnys came from…
Usagi waved as she wandered by on her Mamo-chan fantasy
- The Kingdom Comes Again by ShadoeFox

“I suppose we could...” Ami answered, looking at the pigtailed boy blinking. “How can you take hits like that and get back up so easily?”
“Practice.” Ranma, Ukyo, and Akane replied.
“Oh.”
- The Kingdom Comes Again by ShadoeFox

The Teacher in question, realizing the class had disintegrated behind him, shrugged, and started talking about Second Impact. ‘If they aren’t paying attention anyway,’ Thought the teacher ‘I can at least amuse myself.’
Those few students paying attention sweated on discovering their teacher was a Evangelion Otaku.
- The Kingdom Comes Again by ShadoeFox

“Not really. This is not something I expected for years yet.”
“Chinese buffet?”
Setsuna gave him a cold look. “I was referring to revealing ourselves.” She almost groaned at her own words. She already knew what he was going to say.
“And yet, you wear those skirts!” Kaga chuckled. “Seriously though, they aren’t revealed yet. These guys won’t reveal their identities. It’s an honor thing.”
- The Kingdom Comes Again by ShadoeFox

Disclaimer: I do not own Ranma 1/2. I do own a small part of Jusenkyo though! The spring of drowned...let me see here.... Spring of drowned fanfiction writ.... Wait a sec.
- The Kingdom Comes Again by ShadoeFox

How did you turn into a pig anyway?"
"It started raining sake bottles," Ryouga said, embarrassed and irritated. Ranma sweatdropped.
"Ahh...that's weird," Ranma said.
- Ryoko Saotome by Thrythlind

"Is there a reason Mom's chasing Pop through the town?" Ranma asked. "I mean a specific reason."
- Ryoko Saotome by Thrythlind

"Okay, okay, so taking the armor again was a bad idea," she admitted.
"You're lucky mom's distracted," he told her. "Last time she made you chop down a tree with a herring."
- Slayers Born by Thrythlind

"I broke a nail!"
~....please tell me you're kidding.~
"THAT THING DIES NOW!!!" she roared as she flew up through the hole in the wall.
- Slayers Born by Thrythlind

Praise Kami!”
He sneezed.
“God bless you . . . Kami.”
“Ah, thank you, Mr. Popo.”
- A True Saiya-jin by Taka

“Ranma,” Nabiki called, “I really don’t think Tofu needs a dead crimeboss in his lobby.” Ranma seemed to consider it for a moment then pushed the front door open and stepped outside. “That’s not what I meant,” Nabiki sighed, and moved to follow.
- Hard Rain by Ar-Kaos

Red looked at things a little differently. Nothing was bigger then he was, and even if it was, he STILL wasn't going to get out of its way.
Avalanches went around HIM, damn it.
- Shards of Chaos by Dust Traveller

[camk4evr]

Technically Fanfic quotes belong here

[Atlan]

A corruption of a quote from Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic 2: The Sith Lords.

As I walk through the ashes of my homeland, I must not fear, for fear will draw attention to the lighter in my pocket...

[Cyber_Skaarj]

One from the web-comic El Goonish Shive

"I'm too young and too male to be the mother of a seventeen year old female me!!!"

[Amarielah]

From a school tech-club t-shirt.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

Heard this on camp recently.

If practice makes perfect, and no-one is perfect...why practice?

Heard from a friend.

Everybody is stupid. Some people are just marginally less stupid than others.

From my internet friend, Rejected Angel.

Humans are the bacteria of the universe. That being the case, humans should strive to be the bacteria of the universal colon, living in harmony with its surroundings.

My old South African History teacher.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice!

[Phoenix]

The only way that I could figure they could improve upon Coca-Cola, one of life's most delightful elixirs, which studies prove will heal the sick and occasionally raise the dead, is to put rum or bourbon in it.

[Screwball]

"I reject your reality, and substitue my own."
-Adam, Myhtbusters
"I laugh at danger! And then I hide until it goes away..."
-Xander

[Bliss]

"What am I, Schmuck the F--king Clown?"
- Lewis Black
"I use the word F---k, so I can think of something better to say"
- Lewis Black
Edit: Sorry I'm watching Lewis Black: The Carnegie Hall Performance

[Tovath]

Customer: "Hello, I have a problem. My name is Bob Murton."
Tech Support: "I'm sorry, but I can't help you with that problem."
posted on the internet by someone

[Tovath]

Lawyer: "Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man--"
Witness: "Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment."
-posted on the Internet