Humerous Quotes and Sayings

[Lord Aries Greymon]

A rather funny shirt that I've actually seen someone wearing.

"My imaginary freind thinks you have mental problems"

[Bliss]

Sure, the lion is the undisputed king of the jungle, but airdrop him into Antarctica, and he's just a penguin's bitch.
- Dennis Miller on Survival of the Fittest.

[Lightning]

i got asked this one by a customer where i work (tesco's hot chicken counter)
Where is your hot chicken counter? (she was standing in front of it at the time)

[J. St.C. Patrick]

Starting from Daniel Jess Gibson's suggestion in the Pun thread I post some quotes from the movie 1776

John Adams: A second flood, a simple famine, plagues of locusts everywhere, or a cataclysmic earthquake, I'd accept with some despair. But no, You sent us Congress! Good God, Sir, was that fair?

John Adams: I have come to the conclusion that one useless man is called a disgrace; that two are called a law firm, and that three or more become a Congress!

John Adams: This is a revolution, dammit! We're going to have to offend SOMEbody!

John Dickinson: What's so terrible about being called an Englishman? The English don't seem to mind.
Dr. Benjamin Franklin: Nor would I, were I given the full rights of an Englishman. But to call me one without those rights is like calling an ox a bull. He's thankful for the honor, but he'd much rather have restored what's rightfully his.

Dr. Benjamin Franklin: A rebellion is always legal in the first person, such as "our rebellion." It is only in the third person - "their rebellion" - that it becomes illegal.

[John Adams volunteers to visit New Brunswick after a report is given of Washington's soldiers being afflicted with venereal disease and alcoholism]
John Adams: Wake up, Franklin, you're going to New Brunswick!
Dr. Benjamin Franklin: [Half asleep] Like hell I am. What for?
Hopkins: The whoring and the drinking!
[Franklin gets up and marches off right behind Adams]

[camk4evr]

The description of the RPG Mascot-Tan:

A Roleplaying Game About
The Cute, Disturbing Adventures
Of Cute, Disturbed Little Girls

[Atlan]

From Blackadder Goes Forth

How did you get so much vomit from such a small cat?

Your brain, for example, is so minute, Baldrick, that if a hungry cannibal cracked your head open, there wouldn't be enough inside to cover a small water biscuit.

"Private Baldrick is obviously a bit of an Impressionist."
"The only impression he can do is that of a man with no talent."

"If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do ?"
"Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area."

"Oh, sir, sir, please don't give me away, sir. I just wanted to be like my brothers & join up. I want to see how a war is fought -- so badly!"
"Well, you've come to the right place, Bob. A war hasn't been fought this badly since Olaf the Hairy, chief of all the Vikings, accidentally ordered eighty thousand battle helmets with the horns on the inside."

"I think the phrase rhymes with 'clucking bell.'"

"I'm as bored as a pacifist pistol."

"We've been sitting here since Christmas 1914, during which millions of men have died, & we've advanced no further than an asthmatic ant with some heavy shopping."

[Daniel Jess Gibson]

Captain Jack, From Dead Man's Chest

Where's that monkey, I want to shoot something.

[camk4evr]

From the Webcomic Sea Of Insanity

The major deities of the Greeks are closely related to one another. Zeus, Hera, Hades, Poseidon, Hestia, and Demeter were all children of Cronus and Rhea and the others (Dionysus, Ares, Apollo, Athena, Hermes, Hephaestus) were the offspring of Zeus. Aphrodite, who sprang from Conus' essentials in a rather more direct manner than her siblings, can also be hung upon this twisted family tree.
Consquently, many of the petty quarrels and disputes amongst the gods spring not from any character flaw, but from the fact that living with your family on a mountain top for hundreds and hundreds of years is enough to make anyone a little mental.

[Hazard]

One from a T-shirt:

You can either agree with me or be wrong.

[Bliss]

One from Jack Handy's Deep Thoughts

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

[Atlan]

From Fullmetal Alchemist (although I doubt that there is anyone on this site who wouldnt reconise these quotes)

"Who did you say was small like a grain of rice and doesn't show up in your eyes?!"

"Who did you say was a super-ultra short kid?!"

"Who did you call an ultra hyper midget?!"

"Who did you call miniature size?!"

"Who did you call a shorty who's so small that he's barely visible and hard to target?!"

"Who did you call a shorty that has to be looked through a magnifying glass to actually be seen?!"

"Who are you calling a bean?!"

"Who are you calling a super midget that makes you want to step on him?!"

"Who are you calling a tiny bug that escapes the wrath of a shoe because he's so small that he fits in the grooves and can't get squashed?"

"Oh yes, I'm so small that you can't see me amongst the grains of sand, like always--!"

[Hazard]

Pity then that I do not.

Genius has its limits, unfortunatly, Stupidity knows no such bounds.

[stratagemini]

I think the people above me are having sex, either that or they're sleeping restlessly and agreeing with each other a lot.

A person was teaching my friend how to use disposable chopsticks here is the conversation. with an observer named Z.
How to use chopsticks:
S: First, Grip it firmly
Z: hmm?
S: Slide your fingers down the shaft
Z: HMMM?
S: Then you break it in half.
Z: Ack!

Playing D&D

Me: a Sprite? Can I drink him?
DM: *rolls die* you would have succeeded, if he was a softdrink.

More D&D

Me: I pray to Erythnuul the God of Slaughter for guidance.
DM as Erythnuul: KillThemAll! KillThemAll! KillThemAll!
DM: So what are you going to do?
Me: Well, in the face of such clear advice I guess I have no choice. I must... Kill The Wall!

Computer Science Class!

Teacher: Why is casting so important in an array List?
Me: Because otherwise the spell would fail?

Luck is like a big, red button with the word “Boom” written on it. Pressing it is to be considered reckless

Latin Class

Calm down, you don't have to be enlightened right this second!

The Smoking sign at my old college

If we see you smoking, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.

I have a lot more but none that I hear in everyday life.

[camk4evr]

From Thud! by Terry Pratchet (page 187)

...Has sir by any chance gone sir-on-one with a troll befor? No? Alittle advice, sir. The impotant thing is toget in front of them and dodge the first blow. They always leave themselves open and ssir may then step smartly forward and select sir's target of choice."
"Er, what if...if I'm not in front of one when it tries to hit me?" A. E. Pessimal said, hypnotized by the description and dropping the sword again. "What if it is in fact behind me?"
"Ah, well, I am afraid that in that case sir has to go back and start all over again, sir."
"And, er, how do I do that?"
"Being born is traditionally the first step, sir," said Willikins, shaking his head."

-Willikins and A.E. Pessimal discussing the finer points of fighting trolls

[camk4evr]

This show really is interesting, isn't it?

-Hideaki Anno after watching an Eva marathon before starting work on Rebuild of Evagelion