Scene from Return 21

Bridging the gap between Ideas and C&C.

Post individual scenes that need doctoring, outlines, or other detail work that isn't quite ready for the C&C thread.

Scene from Return 21

Postby Sunshine Temple » Sun Dec 23, 2007 12:19 am

As the first post in this new thread.

I've been working on ch21 of Return.

True to form, the first scene has a recap of events to it.

Here's the scene.


It was a brisk fall afternoon and three friends chatted in a back yard. The redhead of the group was much more at ease and natural. Naoko was amazed by the change Normally, Sunshine was sensual (to be fair she always exuded a sense of sex) but restrained. She often would have an air of exasperation and fear about her.

Now however, she was still the sensual and restrained but she was... open. There was a frightening conviction to the her. Below the serious Goth girl mask was a serious succubus.

Naoko chewed her lip. It was not much of a change, but that made sense. Why would Sunshine bother pretending to be something she was not at school? It would be easier to just try to act like the human version of her demon persona. The problems cropped up in that humans did not have children that were their own age.

"And let me tell you, reincarnation... it sucks." Ranma leaned back, and looked up at the sky. Part of her wanted to fly; it would be neat to show her friends that...

"Least, you got a better life than the first time around," Sam offered. "I mean you had to deal with... what how many sides?"

"Well there were the two invading demonic armies, the Terran kingdom, and a... goddess-like Moon Queen with her own expansion plans," the redhead looked at the four extended fingers and frowned. She was sure she was forgetting a group.

"And you just happened to be related to all of them," Sam noted. "If it was anyone but you, I'd think you were lying. That you were some creepy fangirl that thought she was a video game character. Cute purple tail or no."

"You think I liked it? Well Grandma and Serenity were nice." Ranma noted their blank faces. "Grandma BlackSky. She headed the smaller of the invading demon armies."

"And Serenity was the Moon Queen?" Sam asked. Once you accepted the far-fetched and insane premise, it was fairly straightforward. A power-hungry Moon Queen would want to take over the Earth. Especially, if she had the rest of the Solar system. And what better time than when the Earth was weakened by a demonic invasion? That Queen could even make herself out as the hero, and if she aligned herself with a succubus connected to both the demons and the Terran Royal family...

"Yup. Good leader, but guess she got soft in the head when she became a mom," Ranma frowned.

"We don't have to worry about that with you?" Sam teased.

The redhead swiveled her head, causing her eyes to lock onto her blonde friend. "No. Motherhood woke me up. I saw what I really was, what the world was, and knew what I had to do. It was the only choice I could make. I'm a brood-mother."

Sam was transfixed by the pair of purple pools. There was no glow, no eye-shine, but she could tell that her friend was not human. Compared to the eyes, the redhead's horns were minor additions. The deep violet depths revealed a being of raw vitality. She had expected demons to be... undead. Instead her friend was alive, more alive than either of them. Here was a being that controlled life: she could take it, consume it, shape it, even create it.

Sam cleared the throat. "Nariko was your first."

Ranma blinked, and when Sam looked into her eyes they were less intense but the pattern was still there. It was like seeing a hidden picture. Once she saw the leering old man made out of tree branches; it was impossible to not see him.

The redhead nodded. "Yes, and... I didn't see.. I didn't want to see. Acknowledging what she was... what I was."

"Denial is a powerful thing." Sam agreed. It had been a long time before she let herself see what her parents were. It was easier to pretend that their parties were just normal social events. If she faced the truth... she would have to confront them or accept what they were doing. Neither option appealed to a teenage girl, with her own sexual issues.

Ranma nodded, and leaned onto Sam's shoulder. "Then there was the guilt. Nariko... she never gave up, she put her faith into me. She thought I was the greatest."

"Certainly explains the mug," Naoko glibly stated and immediately regretted it as Ranma's eyes started to water.

"She didn't deserve me. I wasn't good enough. I had abandoned her!" Ranma blinked back her tears and steeled herself. "She didn't care though. She didn't want some perfect mother. She wanted me." Ranma smiled. "She believed in me."

"Tatewaki was very stubborn," Sam said.

"Nariko is too. No matter how much I pushed her away or tried to forget... she was there, waiting. Then once I accepted..." Ranma looked down.

"She forgave you for what you did?"

"No." Ranma said in a quiet voice. "She never blamed me. Having Mommy was enough for her. She did help me forgive myself though. She hated to see me sad."

"Awww, so her faith in you turned your life around?"

Ranma smiled. "Yeah, started being a sappy demon mom, for them."

"It must be great for them to have such a supportive Mom," Sam wistfully stated.

"Yeah, and my own mom's been wonderful. She helped me through this and never rejected me."

Sam nodded.

Naoko blinked. She knew Sam's mother. The woman was very understanding, much more than her own mother who had some very stiff and ridged ideas about sex.

Sam chewed her lip. "You saved Tatewaki's life in that school attack, but what about the others?"

"Same story really. I had to save them. Akane was shot by Kasumi, and Ukyou-"

"What? Is she insane?" Sam asked.

"Oh no, she was turned into a demon by Alexia, and was sent back here to try to kill me, or at least cause a mess. Fortunately, Kasumi and Nariko stopped her, but you can't stop a demon easily."

"Alexia... didn't you say she was your cousin the one that died?"

Ranma nodded. "She was, selfish insane bitch. Grandma exiled her and she figured killing me would get her back into grandma's good graces."

"But BlackSky doted over you, and destroyed a whole demon army when you were killed... the first time." Sam was starting to wish she had been taking notes.

"Thanks for implying that I'll die again." Ranma shook her head. "Alexia had heard the stories of DarkStar's life, but she thought I was a traitor, working with the humans. Seeing my relationship with the Company proved it all over again in her mind."

"What kind of moron was she?"

"The kind that gave herself a deep carrot-like tan."

Sam looked down at Ranma's bone-white skin, and recalled that the rest of the clique... brood, were the same pallor. "What did she do? Paint it on?"

Ranma nodded. "Misako said that it took half an hour every day, not counting the time in the tanning booths to set it."

"So, you had to save Akane, but that doubled your kids."

"Yes, I was starting to really get deep into it." Ranma paused wondering if she should mention her birth form. They knew that succubae changed genders, but it did not really mater. At the very least she would tell them to call her Ranma before this was over.

"And the others... Alexia grabbed Nabiki?"

"Actually yeah, but not before Alexia turned Ryoga." Ranma smirked at their blank faces. They had no idea who Aurora was, let alone Ryoga or Acolyte Hibiki. "He was a grade school rival of mine, who ended up joining a cult Got some glowing aura powers and an umbrella sword and went after me. Partnered up with another rival from my childhood too."

Sam and Naoko exchanged a flat look. "You're kidding us?" Sam slowly asked. She sighed. "No, you're not."

"Yeah, my life's always been weird. So, Alexia found it a wonderful opportunity. Ryoga was a good fighter, but not good enough to defeat her. Alexia also got a kick out of turning a male demon-hating acolyte into a primping succubus. So she made Aurora, an aggressive girl that hated me just as much as Ryoga did."

"What about his partner?" Sam asked.

"Ukyou?" Naoko guessed.

"That's her. Well she was... afraid. Like Ryoga, she'd joined the Assembly of Man to get revenge on me. They offered them powers in return for fighting demons. That I ended up being an actual demon seemed like proof to them.

"But Ukyou, she was worried. She started seeing the Assembly for what it was, a cynical cult that used its members. She saw Ryoga being turned into a true fanatic. She wanted out. After Ryoga was turned, she defected to the Company.

"She still hated me, but she was at least happy to be out. Even started to warm up to me. I swear, if I'd have called her cute she'd have tried to mount me."

"You are a succubus, who wouldn't want to have sex with you?" Naoko smirked.

"Tease," Ranma stuck out her tongue. "Then came the attack. Aurora wanted to show off her new body, and take Ukyou as her mate. Guess that worked out in the end."

"So Ukyou was taken?"

"No just wounded. Ukyou had talked enough with me and Nariko to realize that demons can be... well..."

"Human?" Sam ventured, idly running her hand through Ranma's rich hair.

"Close enough." Ranma adjusted so Sam could get a better grip, and maybe get both hands in. "That's how I got my third daughter, and lost my first friend."

"Huh?"

Ranma looked down. "Aram Kowalski, he died in that battle. Remember what I said about the Company. He went down fighting. The rest of the Alexia story's a mess. She took Akane remade Eclipse. She stole Nabiki. She had a habit of turning everyone she could get her hands on.

"Most of them she neglected and they turned into simple minions. Easy to make but physically young and mentally..." Ranma's tone became venomous. "It was horrible. They were her daughters. She used them. When they died she just made more."

"What about Aurora and Eclipse and whoever she made Nabiki into?" Sam asked.

"Oh, her daughters?" Ranma gave a bitter laugh. "They were dress-up dolls. You should see how she had them dress. Akane wore practically no clothes, too much jewelry and slut-war paint, Misako was in evening wear, tanned and used a tackle box worth of makeup, and Nabiki was made into a pink little sister."

Sam raised an eyebrow. "They're kinda still like that, Sunny."

"Welcome to the fun world of succubae. Sure we can fly and look great, but we're also sexually, dependent violent killers that can be dominated and warped by our mothers."

"Why not just reset them back?"

"Wait you can fly?" Naoko interrupted.

Ranma blinked. "Well yeah, big wings and all."

"That's so cool! Can we see?"

"Not here, but I know a place."

"Makes sense, you are a demon." To herself, Sam repeated the statement. As long as one accepted that part, the rest was... mundane. "So why didn't you just fix your girls?"

"Because then I'd be like Alexia. Eating her body is close enough for me. It's not like there's a switch to reset them. At least Akane had the first time she was my daughter to aim for; she was pretty okay. Bit of a stubborn, mouthy girl at times."

Sam nodded. "Sounds like Akane."

Naoko snickered.

"But Nabiki and Misako.... Misako didn't even have that name. She was just a poor succubus that had seen her beloved mother ripped apart by her worst enemy."

"But Ryoga was tricked by Alexia! Alexia was a monster that used her." Sam gave her hands a rest, but left them on Ranma's back.

"How does that matter? Alexia created her, and sure the love was cynical and twisted but it was all Aurora had. Love is a powerful thing. Aurora couldn't go back. The Assembly would kill her on sight; they've tried a lot. She's too female to be Ryoga. I'd have never taken her, but Ukyou was insistent."

"But you were her mom." Naoko stepped closer and knelt down to Ranma's level. "You said that succubus mothers are powerful, wouldn't that really mess with her mind?"

Ranma nodded. "She had a break down. We tried our best."

"You did good," Sam said squeezing her friend's hand. "Misako isn't as mature or responsible as Nariko, but she seems very happy, if a bit too loyal and... strange."

"Yeah, she's figured that since I killed Alexia that I'm a better mother. Training and battle's only reinforced that."

"That explains her... exuberance."

Ranma gave a little smile. "I can even see some Ryoga in her when she taunts in battle, but the point is that I didn't force her to be something. That'd be wrong, I helped her become who she wanted to be."

"So Nabiki wants to be Nabiki Saotome? Cute and little and pink?" Sam raised an eyebrow.

"Nabiki wanted a mother. She's also pretty vain, but didn't like putting in all the effort to look... good. She was an opportunist. Being a demon gave that to her."

"So the pink's just a side effect?"

"I could remove it, but would it be worth it? I could have made her bigger too, forced her to be the middle sister, but why should I force her mind to some human ideal? Overcoming what Alexia did to her is hard enough without me adding new baggage."

"But she's not overcoming it if she's still the cute little sister," Naoko argued.

"Neither is Nariko by staying female and being a nice big sister." Ranma paused. "I guess overcome is the wrong word. We can't change what we are or what we've been made into but we can adapt and make the most of it. I wanted my daughters to be more than Alexia's dolls."

"Okay," Sam eased back. "So... reincarnation. Did that Moon Queen do it too? Is she running around here?"

"She reincarnated me but..." Ranma shook her head sadly. "No, her kingdom came out ahead and lasted for a while after I died. Then she had kids and," she raised a hand and flipped it over, "it's the one thing she screwed up as. When her kingdom fell she sent her daughter and the others forward."

"Others?"

"Yeah, whole gaggle of magical girls." She rubbed the bridge of her nose.

Naoko gave the redhead a long stare. "Well... they did work for a magical kingdom on the Moon."

"Magical girls? With the silly speeches and creepy fan-service uniforms?

Ranma sighed.

Sam tried to imagine a lacy and bowed girl waving a sparkly wand standing next to a gruff agent in black body armor holding a large rifle. It did not work. Her trying to match up a magical girl and a succubus worked better, if much more graphic.

"The problem... the problem is that they got these powers. They got them before they learned how to fight." Ranma chuckled. "What made it worse was that it worked. Apparently, they beat a lot of bad guys, even saved the world a few times. All while standing in front of the enemy and making speeches."

"Wouldn't that get you shot?" Sam asked.

Ranma shrugged. "I dunno, before my time. I'm new to this, didn't know there were rules. I just figured: kill the bad guys."

"Are they at least powerful? Do they know how to fight?"

"They've got some serious magic, strong and resilient too but as for their close in fighting..." Ranma gave a noncommittal wave of her hand. "They're getting better." She laughed. "Course that's why little Akumi split off with her evil club."

"Akumi?" Sam asked.

"Evil club. How much have you been keeping secret from us?"

"I'm a teenaged mother of five, a succubus, queen of the earth... I think, part of one of the larger global conspiracies, and it's that Ami and Naru were lesbian lovers that turned evil is the one you guys are shocked at?"

"Huh," Sam rubbed her chin. "Well we knew those two were lesbians."

"They were only a little bit less blatant than you," Naoko added. "So are all the new transfers magical girls?"

"Well there's Rod and Hiraku."

"As weird as they are? They're probably KGB or dentists."

"Probably," Ranma agreed. Making a note to ask Eve about those two.

"So... let me guess. Ami and Naru started wearing black... leather, getting more... aggressive. Maybe some increase in curves?"

"Not every lesbian is a sensual femme fatale," Sam admonished.

Naoko simply pointed to Ranma.

Ranma coughed. "Well, she did start wearing that corset, and the ice skirt, and then the evening dress."

"That's... not comfortable," Sam said raising an eyebrow.

"Neither are the heels she wears," Ranma agreed.

"Well, we can't all wear big boots with clunky heels."

"They're comfortable and practical."

"Less than a flat boot," Naoko reminded.

Ranma pointed to herself. "Succubus, remember?"

"So, you have to wear sexy clothes?"

"Used to, was a curse I was under where I was stuck in a leather mini-dress."

"Just one dress?" Sam wrinkled her nose.

"Magic clothes, anyway it got better when I came to school here," Ranma gave a sarcastic smile. "I had two sets of clothes! The leather miniskirt and my uniform."

"That's what you meant when you said you made that uniform?" Sam asked.

Naoko blinked. "I thought you liked it. Your girls wear it know; we wear them now!"

"Explains the lack of seams," Sam muttered.

"Yeah... I've had some... changes. Whole demon mommy thing. It wasn't fun alone, being stuck with a stupid name." Ranma then found herself being hugged by both her friends.

"It's okay. We're not going to reject you," Naoko assured.

"Yeah, we remember the sad Sunny," Sam added. "It makes sense to us."

Ranma purred. "Really? You're just going to... accept me?"

Naoko broke the hug. "Well, we knew you were a scary, serious lesbian with something strange going on with your 'cousins'. This just explains it."

Sam chewed on her lip in thought. "So, being Sunny's a new thing?"

"Uh, yeah."

"What was your name before that?"

"Ranma," the redhead said automatically.

"But Ranma's your brother."

"Who we haven't seen in months," Naoko added.

"The last time was at a coffee shop when he was with Nariko." Sam noticed the slight blush on Sunshine's cheeks. "Come to think of it... I've never seen you with your brother."

Ranma sighed. "Do I really have to say it?"

"I dunno, maybe Sunny's brother is off with Tatewaki."

Sam shook her head. "No, he's with Nabiki Tendo." She turned to Ranma. "So you were a guy. Huh, and so was Nariko and Misako."

Ranma raised and eyebrow. "Yes, and we're more girly than Nabiki, Akane, and Ukyou. I know."

"You girly?" Sam laughed.

"I'm wearing tight leather and dark eyeshadow," Ranma pouted.

"Yes, but that's just you. It's like your hair. It has to be open and wild like that."

Naoko nodded. "Yeah, can you imagine it braided up?"

"I think it would fit her," Sam said running her hand though the thick mane. "It's hard enough to believe that you can put it up for school in that bun-ponytail thing of yours."

Ranma shrugged. Her hair mostly behaved itself.

"So dark conspiracies, magical girls, guns, sex, sounds fun," Naoko evaluated.

"You're kidding, right?" Sam tugged an eyelid to get an eyelash out of her eye. "It's a miracle Sunny's sane."

"You know my name's really Ranma?" the redhead asked.

"Awww, so we can't call you Sunny anymore?" Sam pouted half seriously.

"Don't you try to be cute on me." Ranma grumbled.

"You think I'm cute?" Sam laughed, and wondered if she should be more forward and try asking a guy out instead of waiting on him.

"Now, you got her started," Naoko sighed.

"It's a real compliment to be called cute by a succubus," Sam defended.

"I guess," Naoko relented.

Ranma rubbed her forehead. "Guys, I'm not some fashion expert."

"You made your own school uniform."

"That was magic." Ranma flatly stated as she looked out into the woods behind her. At least there was some form of argument, it was still odd. "So you guys are.. okay with this?"

"The school's been attacked, there's been rashes of bizarre murders, strange men and black helicopters about and we end up with a group of vaguely-scary Goth girls that are really good at martial arts."

"Frankly, it's a relief that you're just a demon."

Ranma blinked, sometimes her friends could be pretty weird.




So here it is. I'm wondering how it comes off. Given that Ranma's telling her whole story to her friends.
Last edited by Sunshine Temple on Sun Dec 23, 2007 3:53 pm, edited 2 times in total.
Sunshine Temple
User avatar
Site Mistress
Posts: 2136
 

Postby Spokavriel » Sun Dec 23, 2007 12:52 am

"Magic clothes, anyway it got better when I came to school her," Ranma gave a sarcastic smile. "I had two clothes! The leather miniskirt and my uniform."
Lost an e on here. And two clothes? Two choices of clothing two sets of clothes but just two clothes is too sparse a sentence.

I like how it clears the air and makes it so she could be open and honest with them all the time but there's allot in there that could be down right dangerous for them to know.

Like all the Senshi parts. Pointing out who they are. Letting them know what happened with Ami. They may be secrets she knows and would love to give them the full scoop on but it's not her secret to tell. The Your name's really Ranma bit instead of saying you really were Ranma also seems a bit out of place.

Just for telling as much as she has about the company I'm wondering if she's going to get a dressing down any time soon. And how are these two going to be able to be safe with this dangerous knowledge? It leaves me with allot of questions that I think would be great to have as I continue reading. So are the girls going to be hanging around more and be allowed to come out to the D-Program training area?
Image
Spamville Character ProfileArchived Current Senshi of Ophelia (Uranus VII).
My Console Video Games
Spokavriel
User avatar
Eternal Power Senshi
Posts: 47773
 

Postby Sunshine Temple » Sun Dec 23, 2007 1:31 am

"Magic clothes, anyway it got better when I came to school her," Ranma gave a sarcastic smile. "I had two clothes! The leather miniskirt and my uniform."
Lost an e on here. And two clothes? Two choices of clothing two sets of clothes but just two clothes is too sparse a sentence.
[Sets of works well.
[thanks for the her ;p

I like how it clears the air and makes it so she could be open and honest with them all the time but there's allot in there that could be down right dangerous for them to know.

[Oh?

Like all the Senshi parts. Pointing out who they are. Letting them know what happened with Ami. They may be secrets she knows and would love to give them the full scoop on but it's not her secret to tell.
[Not her secrets to tell? Ranma would not feel that way.

The Your name's really Ranma bit instead of saying you really were Ranma also seems a bit out of place.
[Pardon?


Just for telling as much as she has about the company I'm wondering if she's going to get a dressing down any time soon.
[That's a delicate situation, as Ranma does have a freer hand with what she can do.

And how are these two going to be able to be safe with this dangerous knowledge?
[How does the knowledge make things worse for them?
[They're already known friends of Ranma.
[So knowing what's up may not make things worse.

It leaves me with allot of questions that I think would be great to have as I continue reading. So are the girls going to be hanging around more and be allowed to come out to the D-Program training area?
[Oh? Other questions?

[Yes, this revelations would have Sam and Naoko become closer with Ranma et al.
Sunshine Temple
User avatar
Site Mistress
Posts: 2136
 

Postby Spokavriel » Sun Dec 23, 2007 1:40 am

Sorry got a bit mixed up on who was saying what with stating Ranma as Ranma. I don't think Sunny will get away from her nick name any time soon.

About the Senshi I could see her telling them what is going on but not who the Senshi are. A point of honor because they do try to keep it secret no matter how poorly they do at it. Not saying she wouldn't confirm it but pointing it out is another matter.
Image
Spamville Character ProfileArchived Current Senshi of Ophelia (Uranus VII).
My Console Video Games
Spokavriel
User avatar
Eternal Power Senshi
Posts: 47773
 

Postby Sunshine Temple » Sun Dec 23, 2007 2:14 am

Sorry got a bit mixed up on who was saying what with stating Ranma as Ranma. I don't think Sunny will get away from her nick name any time soon.
[Nope. That nickname will stick with her.
[Part of the ironic fun of the character.

About the Senshi I could see her telling them what is going on but not who the Senshi are. A point of honor because they do try to keep it secret no matter how poorly they do at it. Not saying she wouldn't confirm it but pointing it out is another matter.

[Not sure, it is pretty obvious who they are. Given how poor the "disguise field" is.
Sunshine Temple
User avatar
Site Mistress
Posts: 2136
 

Postby PCHeintz72 » Sun Dec 23, 2007 10:53 am

Hmmm... odd section, but understandable.

"Denial is a powerful thing." Sam agreed. It had been a long time before she let herself see what her parents were. It was easier to pretend that their parties were just normal social events. If she faced the truth... she would have to confront them or accept what they were doing. Neither option appealed to a teenage girl, with her own sexual issues.


I certainly sense a story behind *that* little thought. Might even make sense to have it covered in abstract, like a comment to get ranma thinking, perhaps a future scene where she discusses it privately with her. Giving advice, someone she can safely vent who might understand odd kinks. Might make for an interesting off scene.

"As weird as they are? They're probably KGB or dentists."


Heh...

Ranma blinked, sometimes her friends could be pretty weird.


Personally, I don't think so. However, I still have some reservations on the believability aspect. It just still seems too smooth flowing. Perhaps it is because it is summarized 'off screen' and they really are only wrapping up in this scene.
PCHeintz72
User avatar
Prism Power Senshi
Posts: 2736
 

Postby Spokavriel » Sun Dec 23, 2007 11:27 am

You know thinking about it a bit more after flying being mentioned I'm surprised they didn't ask about wings. Do they think she levitates?
Image
Spamville Character ProfileArchived Current Senshi of Ophelia (Uranus VII).
My Console Video Games
Spokavriel
User avatar
Eternal Power Senshi
Posts: 47773
 

Postby Ahye » Sun Dec 23, 2007 12:08 pm

"Rnama," the redhead said automatically.


Messed up the name. Come to think of it, was it ever explained why Ranma no longer changes back into a guy? It's convenient for the story, but if it was ever explained, I don't remember it.
Ahye
User avatar
Senshi Cadet
Posts: 106
 

Postby Spokavriel » Sun Dec 23, 2007 12:30 pm

The change was disturbing the kids so Ranma started avoiding it and after a while She was in a warm shower and didn't change. Between eye color changing and all the loss of male form was gradual.
Image
Spamville Character ProfileArchived Current Senshi of Ophelia (Uranus VII).
My Console Video Games
Spokavriel
User avatar
Eternal Power Senshi
Posts: 47773
 

Postby Sunshine Temple » Sun Dec 23, 2007 3:52 pm

PCHeintz72

Hmmm... odd section, but understandable.
[Glad to hear it.

"Denial is a powerful thing." Sam agreed. It had been a long time before she let herself see what her parents were. It was easier to pretend that their parties were just normal social events. If she faced the truth... she would have to confront them or accept what they were doing. Neither option appealed to a teenage girl, with her own sexual issues.


I certainly sense a story behind *that* little thought. Might even make sense to have it covered in abstract, like a comment to get ranma thinking, perhaps a future scene where she discusses it privately with her. Giving advice, someone she can safely vent who might understand odd kinks. Might make for an interesting off scene.

[I could have it mentioned more directly.
[Clearly, I am planning to have Ranma help Sam with this

"As weird as they are? They're probably KGB or dentists."


Heh...
[That was Pat's idea

Ranma blinked, sometimes her friends could be pretty weird.


Personally, I don't think so. However, I still have some reservations on the believability aspect. It just still seems too smooth flowing. Perhaps it is because it is summarized 'off screen' and they really are only wrapping up in this scene.

[Off screen? This connects to ch20. The last scene of that chapter has Ranma coming out as a succubus.

[Once you've admitted to being a demon, the rest is pretty mundane.

Spokavriel

You know thinking about it a bit more after flying being mentioned I'm surprised they didn't ask about wings. Do they think she levitates?

[Good catch. I can add that in.

Ahye
Messed up the name. Come to think of it, was it ever explained why Ranma no longer changes back into a guy? It's convenient for the story, but if it was ever explained, I don't remember it.

[Made the correction

Spokavriel
The change was disturbing the kids so Ranma started avoiding it and after a while She was in a warm shower and didn't change. Between eye color changing and all the loss of male form was gradual.

[That's exactly right.
Sunshine Temple
User avatar
Site Mistress
Posts: 2136
 

Postby PCHeintz72 » Sun Dec 23, 2007 4:37 pm

[I could have it mentioned more directly.


Hmmm... I'm not sure that is a good idea, depending upon how you mean by direct. The way I see it, if she had not mentioned it to her friend already, she probably would not want to mention it to anyone outside of perhaps Ranma in privacy, assuming she was to confide in anyone. Ranma, at least to her, would IMO be more likely to understand, vent, and/or help on something like this more than anyone if it had been fustrating her as that comment was.

Additionally, I may be reading far more into this than need be, but it might not be beyond the realms of possibility Ranma could help not only with the understanding of the parents antics (whatever they may be), but serve as a safe outlet for exploring any questions she had by doing. It would be comparatively safe, and Ranma would not need turn her nor be a true commitment, as prior Kasumi relations proved.

I am uncertain that is a direction you would want to actually write, mind you, but you could always hint at it were you to desire instead of actually writing the details, before and aftermath, not during. It also raises how casual you Ranma to take sex when with members not with her own brood.

Just idle thoughts, you of course don't have to follow any of that.

[Off screen? This connects to ch20. The last scene of that chapter has Ranma coming out as a succubus.

[Once you've admitted to being a demon, the rest is pretty mundane.


Oh... I knew the scene was continued. However, I was not referring to that, I mean the summarizing itself is only shown 'on screen' as it were, in fragments, save you a truly detailed summary of 20+ chapters of story. And even from the start, I had previously commented on it being a bit smooth start in that chapter.

Realistically, my opinion in this instance does not matter much, as I could not see too many true friendship breakers in the telling, simply because I've felt they've had enough hints, and accidents around them to believe the story. So in the end, you would get to the same point anyway.[/quote]
PCHeintz72
User avatar
Prism Power Senshi
Posts: 2736
 

Postby Sunshine Temple » Sun Dec 23, 2007 6:58 pm

PCHeintz72

[I could have it mentioned more directly.


Hmmm... I'm not sure that is a good idea, depending upon how you mean by direct. The way I see it, if she had not mentioned it to her friend already, she probably would not want to mention it to anyone outside of perhaps Ranma in privacy, assuming she was to confide in anyone. Ranma, at least to her, would IMO be more likely to understand, vent, and/or help on something like this more than anyone if it had been fustrating her as that comment was.
[Pardon? I'm confused.

Additionally, I may be reading far more into this than need be, but it might not be beyond the realms of possibility Ranma could help not only with the understanding of the parents antics (whatever they may be), but serve as a safe outlet for exploring any questions she had by doing. It would be comparatively safe, and Ranma would not need turn her nor be a true commitment, as prior Kasumi relations proved.
[Yes, Ranma can be good support for any help.

I am uncertain that is a direction you would want to actually write, mind you, but you could always hint at it were you to desire instead of actually writing the details, before and aftermath, not during. It also raises how casual you Ranma to take sex when with members not with her own brood.
[Huh?
[Oh, Naoko's not a lesbian ;p

Just idle thoughts, you of course don't have to follow any of that.

[Off screen? This connects to ch20. The last scene of that chapter has Ranma coming out as a succubus.

[Once you've admitted to being a demon, the rest is pretty mundane.


Oh... I knew the scene was continued. However, I was not referring to that, I mean the summarizing itself is only shown 'on screen' as it were, in fragments, save you a truly detailed summary of 20+ chapters of story. And even from the start, I had previously commented on it being a bit smooth start in that chapter.

[How bad? How could I spruce it up?

Realistically, my opinion in this instance does not matter much, as I could not see too many true friendship breakers in the telling, simply because I've felt they've had enough hints, and accidents around them to believe the story. So in the end, you would get to the same point anyway.
[That's true.
[So much information was slowly given that they would figure out what happened to her.

[Thanks for commenting.
Sunshine Temple
User avatar
Site Mistress
Posts: 2136
 

Postby Cheb » Mon Dec 24, 2007 1:24 pm

A fine scene, I don't see anything wrong with it.
I like how the recap is melded into the story. :)

She was sure she was forgetting a group.

Ah, you are teasing us again... :roll:
Cheb
User avatar
Moon Senshi
Posts: 1549
 

Postby Sunshine Temple » Mon Dec 24, 2007 2:42 pm

Cheb wrote:A fine scene, I don't see anything wrong with it.
I like how the recap is melded into the story. :)



Wonderful. That's exactly what I wanted.
This is also a chance to see how Ranma weights things, and what she feels is important to tell them.

Ah, you are teasing us again... :roll:


I am?
I am.
Sunshine Temple
User avatar
Site Mistress
Posts: 2136
 


Return to Outlines and Scenes

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users

cron