Strained Harmony, chapter 1

This is for posting Fiction and C&C replies ONLY. Note this does not have to be a "fukufic" or evenfanfiction. All longform creative writing allowed. Replying posts must give actual commentary, no "GREAT IDEA" or "THIS SUCKS".

Postby Sunshine Temple » Tue Dec 19, 2006 6:19 pm

Thanks Dumbledork. Glad you've set the bar so high for the both of us ^_-. Oh? see a romance here? heh
BTW, I really like your avatar.
Anime_Freak317, yeah you're a bit perferted to want the locker room ;p
I suppose with the length we had we could have added stuff and no one would have noticed, but we had to stop sometime.
" I can see how after so long one begins to adapt to unusual circumstances (in Ranma's case), and how ones outlook on life can change...especially with re-enforced positive feedback. "
This got one of the main things in the fic in one.
Metroidvania wrote:Yes, I suppose this makes sense, conditioning in the opposite direction of canon....

It can do alot.
Hmm....in a fashion, perhaps? Not absolutes, but certain things are just the traits of certain authors.

True, each has his or her own themes and quirks.
Yes, but something just hit me. Ranma, who has been never really all that good with a lot of responsibility, save for some _really_ important times, adapts quite quickly to the new role....

Isn't this a case where the responsibility is _really- important too?
Sunshine Temple
User avatar
Site Mistress
Posts: 2136
 

Postby Dumbledork » Tue Dec 19, 2006 7:43 pm

Glad you've set the bar so high for the both of us

Well I'm only telling the truth. Too bad that all the best authors are slow to update (like you two, Ozzallos, Trugeta, Togashi Gaijin, Mark MacKinnon and several more).
BTW, I really like your avatar

Thx. I'm a fan of old school magical girl series like Minky Momo, Creamy Mami, Magical Emi... (sad for a 31 year old guy, isn't it?). I'm even considering writing a Ranma/Creamy Mami crossover where Ranma obtains Creamy Mami's powers and thus an idol singer.
I think that Ranma 1/2 has to be the series with the most crossover potential (you can cross it with almost everything).
There are some people here complaining about the excessive length of some scenes or the fic in itself. Well I don't think that's a problem for this kind of fic. If it were an action fic I'd agree with them. But for this kind of romantic (?), dramatic (?) fic it's perfect. You had me hooked from the start and once I started reading it I couldn't stop until the end.[/u]
And that's the bottom line 'cause Dumbledork said so.

Dumbledork 3:16
Dumbledork
User avatar
Prism Power Senshi
Posts: 3343
 

Postby Sunshine Temple » Tue Dec 19, 2006 7:54 pm

Dumbledork wrote:Well I'm only telling the truth. Too bad that all the best authors are slow to update (like you two, Ozzallos, Trugeta, Togashi Gaijin, Mark MacKinnon and several more).

Longer chapters take more time, especially if more effort is put into polishing them. Then there's also that we all have and this is just a hobby.
Thx. I'm a fan of old school magical girl series like Minky Momo, Creamy Mami, Magical Emi... (sad for a 31 year old guy, isn't it?). I'm even considering writing a Ranma/Creamy Mami crossover where Ranma obtains Creamy Mami's powers and thus an idol singer.

Hmm 10-year old girl transforms to a 16-yr old and becomes an Idol singer.
That's worth trying to see how it works with Ranma.
I think that Ranma 1/2 has to be the series with the most crossover potential (you can cross it with almost everything).

I think that's part of it's charm
There are some people here complaining about the excessive length of some scenes or the fic in itself. Well I don't think that's a problem for this kind of fic. If it were an action fic I'd agree with them. But for this kind of romantic (?), dramatic (?) fic it's perfect. You had me hooked from the start and once I started reading it I couldn't stop until the end.

Thank you very much. This story is about the journy not the destination (as clichie as that sounds).
Sunshine Temple
User avatar
Site Mistress
Posts: 2136
 

Postby Togashi Gaijin » Tue Dec 19, 2006 8:42 pm

Dumbledork wrote:Well I'm only telling the truth. Too bad that all the best authors are slow to update (like you two, Ozzallos, Trugeta, Togashi Gaijin, Mark MacKinnon and several more).

Like Sunny said - for us this is only a hobby, and for some of us it's not even our "first choice" hobby. My writing has long "offline" periods due to work (Microsoft) and other activities (Djana, dance performances, yada yada) ... all of which claim higher priority than writing for fun and giggles. I know it's rough on the readers (since I have my own Favorite Story List to get frustrated over as a reader), but that's just the way things go. :)
BTW: Sunny, Tri? Good start!
======================
Togashi Gaijin, Twisted Wordsmith
> http://gaijinsrealm.com
======================
Togashi Gaijin
User avatar
Senshi Cadet
Posts: 97
 

Postby Shadow General » Tue Dec 19, 2006 11:38 pm

Even though I rarely get a chance to read fics nowadays, authors like Sunny and Trimatter are the ones who will always keep me coming back.
Excellent first chapter. I think you set a good tone with the writing style, and the fact that pretty much every character recieves some development is a big plus for me. There are way too many fics out there that don't take into account the fact that people change as time goes on.
Great start to a new story, and I can't wait to see more!
Shadow General
User avatar
Senshi Candidate
Posts: 12
 

Postby Metroidvania » Wed Dec 20, 2006 12:09 am

Isn't this a case where the responsibility is _really- important too?

Yes, but from Ranma's perspective, this changes very quickly from a job, albeit a good one, to something a heck of a lot more personal.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining in the slightest, especially with the kinship Ranma and Hotaru have.
What I meant was that this is another possible example behind a potential pre-destined plot.....the rapport, especially with the production of Ranma's healings, really makes me wonder.
And from your earlier comments on the time frame, and the fic, I gather I'm pretty close, especially remembering Pluto's comments on the Timegate being closed, at least for a while, which is why she can live with the other outers in canon-verse.
Princess of Hyperion
Spammaster Rank A
Appointed "Universal Translator" by Cyber_Skaarj on July 22, 2006
Metroidvania
User avatar
Crisis Power Senshi
Posts: 12137
 

Postby Fafhrd » Wed Dec 20, 2006 1:47 am

I have to add my kudos to the rest. Good Job
2 points, take'em or leave'em.
I do have a hard time believing Ranma hasn't been discovered, he used his real name, and is using a variation on a previous disguise. Even if it is as a girl. Oh wait, Setsuna just smiles whe Ranma brings it up. Thought So.
Also, I have noticed many people using an internal monologue where Ranma thinks to "Herself" and then gags or acks or in some way reacts negatively to that thought. I.E.
For some reason that fact was hard to admit to herself. Herself.
Herself? She's a guy... she was a guy... is a guy... right? She shook off that uncomfortable train of thought without any effort.

I would never refer to myself in my own thoughts as himself, or if cursed, herself. I or myself would be the words of choice.
Anyway, it doesn't appear to bother others so do as you wish, but it seems incorrect to me.
And remember, these are not things that detract from the overall achievement this chapter is. It covered a lot of character growth, and touched on potential growth and problems from the future.
For those dissapointed in the lack of locker room scenes remember this. In the manga Ranma has no problem working in a public bath on the girl side after Mousse lost thier money. Female nudity does not bother Ranma. So it was not important, of much greater importance will be the reaction of Ranma's new female friends to the revelation of his curse, when and if that happens.
And how many other people caught the fic references such as: Clothes make the...
Fafhrd
Senshi Candidate
Posts: 13
 

Postby TerraEpon » Wed Dec 20, 2006 3:50 am

Lemme just add some praise here, though it's no surprise considering the authors.
This is exactly the type of fic I love (or at least, as far as semi-serious fics go). Yeah there's a bit of angst, but it's not there just to make it "oooh teh drama" or anything.
And I agree with the person who said it was a nice change of pace to use SM characters without the whole senshi part being added.
I look forward to more.
-Joshua
TerraEpon
User avatar
Asteroid Senshi
Posts: 622
 

Postby Sunshine Temple » Wed Dec 20, 2006 4:44 pm

Shadow General wrote:Even though I rarely get a chance to read fics nowadays, authors like Sunny and Trimatter are the ones who will always keep me coming back.

Wow, that's great to hear.
Excellent first chapter. I think you set a good tone with the writing style, and the fact that pretty much every character recieves some development is a big plus for me. There are way too many fics out there that don't take into account the fact that people change as time goes on.

Yes, that's something Tri and I both share. The emphasis on character development. So many stories have Ranma doing amazing things, become a Senshi, get married, die, be reborn, have to deal with the destruction of the world, or get stuck in what's essentially hell for a while, and through it all... he/she doesn't change.
People are affected from their experiences. The challenging part is figuring out how it will affect them.
Metroidvania wrote:Yes, but from Ranma's perspective, this changes very quickly from a job, albeit a good one, to something a heck of a lot more personal.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining in the slightest, especially with the kinship Ranma and Hotaru have.

Exactly, it goes from a job to something alot more personal. And Ranma's very invested in Hotaru's well being.
What I meant was that this is another possible example behind a potential pre-destined plot.....the rapport, especially with the production of Ranma's healings, really makes me wonder.

Well, Setsuna's thoughts and worries durring this chapter should give some hints as to how much of this she planned, and what her direct involvement in events was.
And from your earlier comments on the time frame, and the fic, I gather I'm pretty close, especially remembering Pluto's comments on the Timegate being closed, at least for a while, which is why she can live with the other outers in canon-verse.

Heh Sailor Moon SuperS, first few episodes of the manga.
Fafhrd wrote:I have to add my kudos to the rest. Good Job
2 points, take'em or leave'em.
I do have a hard time believing Ranma hasn't been discovered, he used his real name, and is using a variation on a previous disguise. Even if it is as a girl. Oh wait, Setsuna just smiles whe Ranma brings it up. Thought So.

Thanks much for the compliment.
Yes, Setsuna can be handy. Even when using her in a less omnipotent potrayal ;p
Also, I have noticed many people using an internal monologue where Ranma thinks to "Herself" and then gags or acks or in some way reacts negatively to that thought. I.E.
For some reason that fact was hard to admit to herself. Herself.
Herself? She's a guy... she was a guy... is a guy... right? She shook off that uncomfortable train of thought without any effort.

I would never refer to myself in my own thoughts as himself, or if cursed, herself. I or myself would be the words of choice.

But not using the personal singular these are not direclty her thoughts. These are her thoughts as viewed by an outsider. And as such they are translated as third person pronoun.
Japanese does have gender specific first pesonal pronouns. She could have been using the female one to get the same reaction, but that could be klunky in execution.
Anyway, it doesn't appear to bother others so do as you wish, but it seems incorrect to me.

Technically it is. As she would not hear the herself in her own head. Hmm.. it is pretty minor though
And remember, these are not things that detract from the overall achievement this chapter is. It covered a lot of character growth, and touched on potential growth and problems from the future.
For those dissapointed in the lack of locker room scenes remember this. In the manga Ranma has no problem working in a public bath on the girl side after Mousse lost thier money. Female nudity does not bother Ranma. So it was not important, of much greater importance will be the reaction of Ranma's new female friends to the revelation of his curse, when and if that happens.

Exaclty, this story is mostly the growth and journy of Ranma down this path.
And how many other people caught the fic references such as: Clothes make the...

*coughs*
TerraEpon wrote:Lemme just add some praise here, though it's no surprise considering the authors.

We've been getting that alot, guess there's some sort of synergy at work here.
This is exactly the type of fic I love (or at least, as far as semi-serious fics go). Yeah there's a bit of angst, but it's not there just to make it "oooh teh drama" or anything.

Yup, personally I hate angst-fics. Angst is an emotion people have, but it's too passive of one and in writing makes things too much of a "pitty-party".
And I agree with the person who said it was a nice change of pace to use SM characters without the whole senshi part being added.

Being Senshi is a big part of their lives, but it's not the only part. I agree, that often gets missed in many stories.
Sunshine Temple
User avatar
Site Mistress
Posts: 2136
 

Postby Yrael » Wed Dec 20, 2006 8:39 pm

Fafhrd wrote:I would never refer to myself in my own thoughts as himself, or if cursed, herself. I or myself would be the words of choice.
Anyway, it doesn't appear to bother others so do as you wish, but it seems incorrect to me.

Technically incorrect, yes, as Sunny said. But thoughts are a tricky process describe, especially since it takes several forms, while the medium we're using only has one. In a case such as this, I had just assumed Ranma had been thinking about things in more of a 'Ranko-mode' than 'Ranma-mode', as had been mentioned several times in the story.
Regardless, I'm really, really, really enjoying this story so far. *holds out his cup for more*
Yrael
User avatar
Senshi Cadet
Posts: 123
 

Postby Dumbledork » Wed Dec 20, 2006 9:23 pm

I'm rereading the fic at the moment and there's one thing I'd like to know. After reading this sentence "Exiting the building a few moments later with a bag filled with plunder" I started wondering what else Ranma stole apart from the soap and the packs. I hope some interesting artifacts that could be useful later on.
Oh, I found a spelling mistake: "Ooo... That would be prefect," Kikuko commented
And that's the bottom line 'cause Dumbledork said so.

Dumbledork 3:16
Dumbledork
User avatar
Prism Power Senshi
Posts: 3343
 

Postby Sunshine Temple » Thu Dec 21, 2006 12:05 am

Yrael wrote:Technically incorrect, yes, as Sunny said. But thoughts are a tricky process describe, especially since it takes several forms, while the medium we're using only has one. In a case such as this, I had just assumed Ranma had been thinking about things in more of a 'Ranko-mode' than 'Ranma-mode', as had been mentioned several times in the story.

Yeah that's pretty close to what it was.
Dumbledork wrote:I'm rereading the fic at the moment and there's one thing I'd like to know. After reading this sentence "Exiting the building a few moments later with a bag filled with plunder" I started wondering what else Ranma stole apart from the soap and the packs. I hope some interesting artifacts that could be useful later on.

Heh, that woudl be telling ;p
Oh, I found a spelling mistake: "Ooo... That would be prefect," Kikuko commented

Thanks, got that corrected.
Sunshine Temple
User avatar
Site Mistress
Posts: 2136
 

Standing Ovation

Postby Ordieth117 » Thu Dec 21, 2006 3:14 am

I said what I needed to say on my ff.net review; but I'll reiterate: this was so amazing! I pray for a long, beautiful story I can reread until I can quote it.
Ordieth117
Senshi Cadet
Posts: 93
 

Postby Dumbledork » Thu Dec 21, 2006 8:28 am

Another thing I noticed (sorry for being a bother) is a scene in the Italian restaurant: "leaving the fork and knife crossed in the center of an empty platter". Now I'm not that knowledgeable about proper dining etiquette (at least if I believe my ass of a brother ^_^) but I'm pretty sure that leaving the knife and fork crossed means that you dind't enjoy the meal. As I said I'm not a specialist but I think I'm right.
Also I found three more little mistakes but I forgot to write them down. Sorry. But here's a funny one: "The chocolate sauce-drizzled cheesecake looked sinfully decedent" I dind't know cheesecakes could die (^_^)
An this sounds rather strange "hell it was very the meaning of life"
Another one "After her forth piece"
"Setsuna asked as she nonchalantly put arm around Ranma's shoulders" (put her arm)?
And this one "Setsuna concluded after a moments evaluation"
Last edited by Dumbledork on Thu Dec 21, 2006 9:52 am, edited 5 times in total.
And that's the bottom line 'cause Dumbledork said so.

Dumbledork 3:16
Dumbledork
User avatar
Prism Power Senshi
Posts: 3343
 

Postby Mudge T. Otter » Thu Dec 21, 2006 9:23 am

Dumbledork wrote:Another thing I noticed (sorry for being a bother) is a scene in the Italian restaurant: "leaving the fork and knife crossed in the center of an empty platter". Now I'm not that knowledgeable about proper dining etiquette (at least if I believe my ass of a brother ^_^) but I'm pretty sure that leaving the knife and fork crossed means that you dind't enjoy the meal. As I said I'm not a specialist but I think I'm right.

I found that strange as well. could be that ranma simply doesn't know. But it really means you are still not done eating (see Adolph Freiherr von Knigge - sorry German only) fits well into the scene though. Ranma has just devoured huge quantities of food and is signalling the waiter, (s)he still wants more.
Mudge T. Otter
User avatar
Senshi Cadet
Posts: 99
 

PreviousNext

Return to Stories and C&C

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users