Return 24 Reequipped and Repulsed Part 2

[Sunshine Temple]

Here's the next chapter of the Return

Chapter 24 Reequipped and Repulsed Part 2

Link

See that wasn't too long to wait for the cliffhanger?

[PCHeintz72]

Yay, an update. But I blame you for me having lost sleep since I could not wait until morning to read it.

A general comment... I realize it is hard at this point to make Ranma *not* omnipotant, but... Well... I'm not convinced Ranma's hand to hand fight with Galina was a good portrayal of her abilities. Considering what we've seen her mow through, it just seemed she was taking more hits than seemed likely. And that is even taking into account it is a battle cyborg she is going against.

"Chto za huy!" Vosem actually shouted when a sickly green cloud flowed up from the sides and behind them. It did not burn, but there was a slight tingle.

For the foriegn language sections, like this one, could you perhaps put next to it the translation, or a notation to check the bottom or something?

Summoning the last shreds of power Jupiter fired. In an all too familiar and disheartening move the bodysuit-clad girl effortlessly dodged her attack.

Ehhh... am I reading this right, did she fire on the demon?

Cursing Setsuna's wards, Mistress Mercury stepped into the building.

Was wondering when she was going to show.

"Yeah, Red only took out one, another fought her to a standstill. Where Nariko heavily damaged two of them."
"And the fifth?" Sophie asked.
"Evacuated the other four by phasing through the floors," Eve said, stepping into the room.

Unless they took the dead body as well, that count is wrong.
EDIT: Ok... based on later comments, the 'Red only took out one' is wrong wording. Then everything fits better to me.

Ranma took a sip. "They were prepared. We got one of them, but lost two teams and more."

I think the count is still off. Would it not be two they got?

Arisha looked frowned as she waited for a response.

'frowned' seems a wrong word.

Across the street, a man wearing a fedora and a long coat, illuminated by a street lamp, started waving to her.

I assume that is Murdock. Making a reappearance.

"What are we doing about this?" Ranma's tone broke into one of sharp insult. "What do you think we've been doing? The D program, the Fifth NH Task Force, special weapons development, inter-dimensional research. Do you really think we started training Canadian special forces in NH combat just because a few cyborgs are trying to kill you?"

At last the Senshi are told, and we now know exactly what they told Ranma of it.

"So what... you and the 'Queen' will be reinforcements? Sent in because the Princess couldn't handle things?"

On that note, does it really make sense to keep the outers and Chibi-Usa separated and in Japan?

"Yes, all I'd have to do was make some demands Usagi would never accept. Then when she refuses we, regrettably of course, kick her out. Without us, the Russians will kill her." Ranma chuckled. "It wouldn't even violate the contract we signed with her."

Hmmm... this and the following discussion seems a bit cold... consideirng a lot of effort and though was done in presenting her as girlfriend material... Oh well.

Jacob noted the use of the word "we".

I consider it a plus, even if not technically true or agreeable.

Great chapter... look forward to more.

[Sunshine Temple]

PCHeintz72

Yay, an update. But I blame you for me having lost sleep since I could not wait until morning to read it.

[Heh, I'll take that as a compliment.

A general comment... I realize it is hard at this point to make Ranma *not* omnipotant, but... Well... I'm not convinced Ranma's hand to hand fight with Galina was a good portrayal of her abilities. Considering what we've seen her mow through, it just seemed she was taking more hits than seemed likely. And that is even taking into account it is a battle cyborg she is going against.

[Really?
[Galina is more on the quality over quantity side, and is higher than others Ranma's faced.
[Also Ranma tends to get pretty damaged. Often in a fight she'll be torn up

"Chto za huy!" Vosem actually shouted when a sickly green cloud flowed up from the sides and behind them. It did not burn, but there was a slight tingle.

For the foriegn language sections, like this one, could you perhaps put next to it the translation, or a notation to check the bottom or something?

[Hmm... Which would be better? Adding a translation in the paragraph or doing a footnote, maybe at the end of the scene?

Summoning the last shreds of power Jupiter fired. In an all too familiar and disheartening move the bodysuit-clad girl effortlessly dodged her attack.

Ehhh... am I reading this right, did she fire on the demon?

[The cyborg. I'll make that clearer by replacing the word girl with cyborg.

Cursing Setsuna's wards, Mistress Mercury stepped into the building.

Was wondering when she was going to show.

[Heh.

"Yeah, Red only took out one, another fought her to a standstill. Where Nariko heavily damaged two of them."
"And the fifth?" Sophie asked.
"Evacuated the other four by phasing through the floors," Eve said, stepping into the room.

Unless they took the dead body as well, that count is wrong.
EDIT: Ok... based on later comments, the 'Red only took out one' is wrong wording. Then everything fits better to me.

[It was a non-lethal take down.

Ranma took a sip. "They were prepared. We got one of them, but lost two teams and more."

I think the count is still off. Would it not be two they got?

[Ranma burned the face off one, but that didn't kill her.

Arisha looked frowned as she waited for a response.

'frowned' seems a wrong word.

[I think cutting the word "looked" will make it better

Across the street, a man wearing a fedora and a long coat, illuminated by a street lamp, started waving to her.

I assume that is Murdock. Making a reappearance.

[Heh, he does have a certain style.

"What are we doing about this?" Ranma's tone broke into one of sharp insult. "What do you think we've been doing? The D program, the Fifth NH Task Force, special weapons development, inter-dimensional research. Do you really think we started training Canadian special forces in NH combat just because a few cyborgs are trying to kill you?"

At last the Senshi are told, and we now know exactly what they told Ranma of it.

[Usagi's lack of curiosity is disturbing.

"So what... you and the 'Queen' will be reinforcements? Sent in because the Princess couldn't handle things?"

On that note, does it really make sense to keep the outers and Chibi-Usa separated and in Japan?

[Heh, that's part of the reason.

"Yes, all I'd have to do was make some demands Usagi would never accept. Then when she refuses we, regrettably of course, kick her out. Without us, the Russians will kill her." Ranma chuckled. "It wouldn't even violate the contract we signed with her."

Hmmm... this and the following discussion seems a bit cold... consideirng a lot of effort and though was done in presenting her as girlfriend material... Oh well.

[Sure, Ranma thought that maybe Usagi might be girlfriend material, but after seeing how Usagi handles a crisis...
[There's a difference between fantasies, crushes, and reality.

Jacob noted the use of the word "we".

I consider it a plus, even if not technically true or agreeable.

[Not technically agreeable?

Great chapter... look forward to more.

[Thanks.
[Sorry for keeping you up. Heh

[uploaded changes with version 5b

[khim]

Great as usual. Some nitpicks about Russian words: Dve and Scheklat'. First of I'm not sure you need to try to show palatalized consonants: they don't exist in English and you don't show them in other places (Shest, not Shest', for example). Second is a typo: s/Scheklat/Schelkat/... And third about Dve: I think it should be Dva, but there are also the question of why you are using this sequence. I mean: "Odin, Dva, Tri, Chetyre, Pyat, Shest, Sem, Vosem, Devyat, Desyat, Odinnadtsat and Dvenadtsat" are traslation of sequence "One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six, Seven, Eight, Nine, Ten, Eleven, Twelve" while names should probably come from the translations of the sequence "First, Second, Third, Fourth, Fifth, Sixth, Seventh, Eighth, Ninth, Tenth, Twelfth" (translated to Russian as "Pervaya, Vroraya, Tretya, Chetvertaya, Pyataya, Shestaya, Sedmaya, Vosmaya, Devyataya, Desyataya, Odinnadtsataya, Dvenadtsataya" if we are talking about females)...

[PCHeintz72]

Was wondering when she was going to show.

[Heh.

Ami has professed, all along, to still care for Usagi... if she had heard, I knew she would come. Be equipped to actually help, that is a bit different, but she would help.

I think the count is still off. Would it not be two they got?

[Ranma burned the face off one, but that didn't kill her.

Sorry, I'm uncertain if it was me being tired, or what, but even now, I read that and think full kill. I still think it needs rewording from the original.

At last the Senshi are told, and we now know exactly what they told Ranma of it.

[Usagi's lack of curiosity is disturbing.

It is. And it has cost her repeatedly through this story, even in this very chapter, leaving her out of the loop even on critical items with her own team.

Hmmm... this and the following discussion seems a bit cold... consideirng a lot of effort and though was done in presenting her as girlfriend material... Oh well.

[Sure, Ranma thought that maybe Usagi might be girlfriend material, but after seeing how Usagi handles a crisis...
[There's a difference between fantasies, crushes, and reality.

True... Does this mean Ranma is going to aquire someone else... of be angsty the next chapter.

A thought, does this not invalidate Usagi's future dream/vision?

I consider it a plus, even if not technically true or agreeable.

[Not technically agreeable?

Well... it has been fairly established that at least the ones assigned as protection, there was/is close comradarie as fellow soldiers, respect for their positions, and all that (thier nickname for Ranma as 'red' for one example). But while I agrre, and even with the fact Ranma is on friendly terms with both Stillwater/Jacob. There is no denighing the fact at this point her group is not human, and is to be constantly watched for activity to indicate a separation. If Ranma was canny enough, she would recognize that and keep them satisfied with comments like that, and attending the funerals, not out of just friendship, but as proof.

I might well be reading too much into it, but whiel friendly, neither side seems to do it unconditionally. For good or bad.

This also is highlighted in Ranma's comments to Usagi on how it would be viewed were the comapny either lying or holding back at this point.

Either side benefits from a holdback on any serious matter, Ranma has saved them lives and money on countless times, even if her groups has inadvertantly brought them trouble as well. IMHO, and I think in Stillwater/Jacobs, Ranma's benefits to them far outweigh the detriments.

My little rant.

[Cheb]

> "Dve, what happened?"
It is not possible to abridge the numerals, much like you cannot shorten the English «twelve». «Dve» means «two [female objects]».

>Galina saw the figure launching a black orb at her while lunged towards Dve's side.
lunging? she lunged?

>"Chto za huy!"
A bit awkward. I suggest either «Cto za khren'» (what the heck) or «Kakogo huya» (what the fuck).
P.S. Or, even better, "Chto za huy'nya" (what the fuck is this)

>She then jabbed her other blade into the ground, stretching it through the concreted and a meter into the dirt bellow,
concrete

>, forcing the demon dodged out of its way.
to dodge?

>Arisha looked frowned

>"You saw what that Tvar' did." Arisha spat.
I suggest writing tvar' in lower-case. It's not a nick after all, it's just "thing"/"creature".

>"Didn't know they could do that?" Desyat's laugh was resigned. "Scheklat' ebalom," she spat under her breath.
Hmm... It's the infinitive form. And the phrase is hard to perceive. I think «To make you schelkat' ebalom» would work better, killing both rabbits in one shot.

For the foriegn language sections, like this one, could you perhaps put next to it the translation, or a notation to check the bottom or something?

Hmm... maybe something like this: "Chto za huy'nya?!" Vosem actually cussed aloud [...]

[khim]

>"You saw what that Tvar' did." Arisha spat.
I suggest writing tvar' in lower-case. It's not a nick after all, it's just "thing"/"creature".

I'm pretty sure it's a nick. They don't mean "some creature", this is nickname of concrete person (who has a name but thay prefer this nick for some reason)...

P.S. "Chto za huinya" is probably the best version... Though I'm not a big expert in such words...

[Sunshine Temple]

Khim

Great as usual.
[thanks

Some nitpicks about Russian words: Dve and Scheklat'. First of I'm not sure you need to try to show palatalized consonants: they don't exist in English and you don't show them in other places (Shest, not Shest', for example).
[Palatalized?


Second is a typo: s/Scheklat/Schelkat/...
[What typo?

And third about Dve: I think it should be Dva,
[Ah, that one I thought was vauge on the e versus a.


but there are also the question of why you are using this sequence. I mean: "Odin, Dva, Tri, Chetyre, Pyat, Shest, Sem, Vosem, Devyat, Desyat, Odinnadtsat and Dvenadtsat" are traslation of sequence "One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six, Seven, Eight, Nine, Ten, Eleven, Twelve" while names should probably come from the translations of the sequence "First, Second, Third, Fourth, Fifth, Sixth, Seventh, Eighth, Ninth, Tenth, Twelfth" (translated to Russian as "Pervaya, Vroraya, Tretya, Chetvertaya, Pyataya, Shestaya, Sedmaya, Vosmaya, Devyataya, Desyataya, Odinnadtsataya, Dvenadtsataya" if we are talking about females)...

[Well I'm copying the Italian numbers that the Nanoha StrikerS used on naming those Combat Cyborgs, which was in the One, Two, Three, and not the First, Second, Third.

Cheb

> "Dve, what happened?"
It is not possible to abridge the numerals, much like you cannot shorten the English «twelve». «Dve» means «two [female objects]».

[What of a nickname?
[Like calling someone named Jacob, Jay, or named Twenty, Twen. It's nonsensical, but a nickname is just to have a shorter name.
[However, in that case I should only have "Dve" in dialog

>Galina saw the figure launching a black orb at her while lunged towards Dve's side.
lunging? she lunged?
[yes

>"Chto za huy!"
A bit awkward. I suggest either «Cto za khren'» (what the heck) or «Kakogo huya» (what the fuck).
P.S. Or, even better, "Chto za huy'nya" (what the fuck is this)
[Oooh, good suggestion

>She then jabbed her other blade into the ground, stretching it through the concreted and a meter into the dirt bellow,
concrete

>, forcing the demon dodged out of its way.
to dodge?
[yes

>Arisha looked frowned

>"You saw what that Tvar' did." Arisha spat.
I suggest writing tvar' in lower-case. It's not a nick after all, it's just "thing"/"creature".
[Yeah, It may become a nickname, but likely isn't one now.

>"Didn't know they could do that?" Desyat's laugh was resigned. "Scheklat' ebalom," she spat under her breath.
Hmm... It's the infinitive form. And the phrase is hard to perceive. I think «To make you schelkat' ebalom» would work better, killing both rabbits in one shot.

[Ah so add 'To make you" in front of it?

For the foriegn language sections, like this one, could you perhaps put next to it the translation, or a notation to check the bottom or something?

Hmm... maybe something like this: "Chto za huy'nya?!" Vosem actually cussed aloud [...]

[Ah but is that specific enough? The reader may want to know what kind of curse it is.

khim
I'm pretty sure it's a nick. They don't mean "some creature", this is nickname of concrete person (who has a name but thay prefer this nick for some reason)...
[Hmm, it is a specific creature. Ranma could have been evevated to the Creature in their thinking as opposed to a creature.

P.S. "Chto za huinya" is probably the best version... Though I'm not a big expert in such words...
[For that I'm gonna have to let my Russian speaking readers figure that out.

PCHeintz72

Was wondering when she was going to show.

[Heh.

Ami has professed, all along, to still care for Usagi... if she had heard, I knew she would come. Be equipped to actually help, that is a bit different, but she would help.
[As is her arriving in a timely manner.

I think the count is still off. Would it not be two they got?

[Ranma burned the face off one, but that didn't kill her.

Sorry, I'm uncertain if it was me being tired, or what, but even now, I read that and think full kill. I still think it needs rewording from the original.

[Adding this should help
[[
The bleeding from her neck abating, Ranma jumped back to avoid another barrage of blades from Galina. The demon managed to keep her hand roughly on target and burned off the vast majority of Dve'nadtsat's face, exposing gleaming metal and warped components.

In a blink, Galina had closed the distance and rammed two blades right into the holes Dve'nadtsat, who was still alive if screaming incoherently over their communications channel, had burned through Ranma's chest armor. Similar to mechanical expanding broad-head arrows, four glowing razor-sharp edges scissored out of the knives. Just as fast, Galina twisted her wrists to maximize the damage, withdrew the blades, and used them to block the demon's claws.
]]

At last the Senshi are told, and we now know exactly what they told Ranma of it.

[Usagi's lack of curiosity is disturbing.

It is. And it has cost her repeatedly through this story, even in this very chapter, leaving her out of the loop even on critical items with her own team.

[Yes, but that fits with Usagi's character. She was never one to take the initiative herself.

Hmmm... this and the following discussion seems a bit cold... consideirng a lot of effort and though was done in presenting her as girlfriend material... Oh well.

[Sure, Ranma thought that maybe Usagi might be girlfriend material, but after seeing how Usagi handles a crisis...
[There's a difference between fantasies, crushes, and reality.

True... Does this mean Ranma is going to aquire someone else... of be angsty the next chapter.

[Well, how maudlin and angsty is Ranma?

A thought, does this not invalidate Usagi's future dream/vision?

[You mean the one where Usagi was a demon?
[Dreams are tricky things.

I consider it a plus, even if not technically true or agreeable.

[Not technically agreeable?

Well... it has been fairly established that at least the ones assigned as protection, there was/is close comradarie as fellow soldiers, respect for their positions, and all that (thier nickname for Ranma as 'red' for one example). But while I agrre, and even with the fact Ranma is on friendly terms with both Stillwater/Jacob. There is no denighing the fact at this point her group is not human, and is to be constantly watched for activity to indicate a separation. If Ranma was canny enough, she would recognize that and keep them satisfied with comments like that, and attending the funerals, not out of just friendship, but as proof.

[That is the real problem.
[How can you be sure your demonic co-workers really are on your side, and not just doing everything "right" to make it look like they are while they're really biding their time.
[This isn't just limited to demons, just about any successful spy has to do this too. Earn trust to be able to betray later on.

I might well be reading too much into it, but whiel friendly, neither side seems to do it unconditionally. For good or bad.

[No you're right. There is trust there, but both are cautious enough. Ranma's been betrayed by Murdock before, and WIC has their institutional pragmatic paranoia.

[One of Jacob's constant worries is that things are working "Too Well"

This also is highlighted in Ranma's comments to Usagi on how it would be viewed were the comapny either lying or holding back at this point.

[Indeed

Either side benefits from a holdback on any serious matter, Ranma has saved them lives and money on countless times, even if her groups has inadvertantly brought them trouble as well. IMHO, and I think in Stillwater/Jacobs, Ranma's benefits to them far outweigh the detriments.

[Quite right, WIC has worked hand in glove to give Ranma what she thinks is important both on and off the battlefield.
[They can also see the increased benefits the Fifth will bring as time goes on.

My little rant.

[Heh, no problem. I really like to read what you guys make of the story, getting corrections from you is only part of the benefit.

[Version 5c up with the latest corrections.

[PCHeintz72]

When you post this chapter to FanFiction.NET, will you also be uploading the corrections to the past couple chapters that occured after the last update from the comments in the prior thread on this story?

If so, which chapters does that include.

[Sunshine Temple]

When you post this chapter to FanFiction.NET, will you also be uploading the corrections to the past couple chapters that occured after the last update from the comments in the prior thread on this story?

If so, which chapters does that include.

[I really, really *should* do that.
[The problem with FF.net is that it's a real pain to upload chapters because their system tends to eat formatting.

[I will update the FF.net version if there's enough big changes.

[This is one of the reasons why I post on Fukufics first (in addition to encouraging people to read here first), that way what I post on FF.net is already pretty cleared of errors.

[Cheb]

What of a nickname?

It just doesn't work with this particular word. It's like an atom: you cannot split it without heavy fallout. I suggest to base her nickname on her name, surname, or some trait.
Hmm... Hmm... [makes his brain smoke] How about "Dyuzhina" (dozen) then...? No, that would confuse the readers, it doesn't look like 'Dvenadtsat' at all... Hmm... No, I'm out of ideas
P.S. Midnight?

Ah but is that specific enough? The reader may want to know what kind of curse it is.

Well, since it's html, you can use the <a title="...">...</a> tag. Like this:
<a title="what the fuck is this">Chto za huy'nya</a>?! - and warn your readers to do a mouse-over for the foreign words. These will look like links.
You can see me using it here , ("Èminence grise" in the second paragraph of that chapter).

, but even now, I read that and think full kill.

Well, when I was reading this, it was clear to me that she was far from finished off. Really. These cyborgs are hard to die like cockroaches.

[PCHeintz72]

Well, since it's html, you can use the <a title="...">...</a> tag. Like this:
<a title="what the fuck is this">Chto za huy'nya</a>?! - and warn your readers to do a mouse-over for the foreign words. These will look like links.

But that not only would not work on other sites like FanFiction.NET, it would annoy me, as I dislike the break in the flow of reading it would require.

Besides, I dislike reading on-line, and block copy stories into a text editer and read it as TXT.

[Sunshine Temple]

Cheb

What of a nickname?

It just doesn't work with this particular word. It's like an atom: you cannot split it without heavy fallout. I suggest to base her nickname on her name, surname, or some trait.
Hmm... Hmm... [makes his brain smoke] How about "Dyuzhina" (dozen) then...? No, that would confuse the readers, it doesn't look like 'Dvenadtsat' at all... Hmm... No, I'm out of ideas
[Dang, so it can't be split that way?

P.S. Midnight?
[A bit too far.

[I could go by her first name, I have given them conventional first names.

Ah but is that specific enough? The reader may want to know what kind of curse it is.

Well, since it's html, you can use the <a title="...">...</a> tag. Like this:
<a title="what the fuck is this">Chto za huy'nya</a>?! - and warn your readers to do a mouse-over for the foreign words. These will look like links.
You can see me using it here , ("Èminence grise" in the second paragraph of that chapter).

[Hmm... that is interesting.

, but even now, I read that and think full kill.

Well, when I was reading this, it was clear to me that she was far from finished off. Really. These cyborgs are hard to die like cockroaches.

[Yes, their main feature is the simply massive amount of punishment it takes to kill one.

PCHeintz72

Well, since it's html, you can use the <a title="...">...</a> tag. Like this:
<a title="what the fuck is this">Chto za huy'nya</a>?! - and warn your readers to do a mouse-over for the foreign words. These will look like links.

But that not only would not work on other sites like FanFiction.NET, it would annoy me, as I dislike the break in the flow of reading it would require.

Besides, I dislike reading on-line, and block copy stories into a text editer and read it as TXT.

[That is a problem. Would a type of footnote be less of a break to the flow?
[Or perhaps just listing the translated phrases at the end of the text?

[khim]

Cheb

What of a nickname?

It just doesn't work with this particular word. It's like an atom: you cannot split it without heavy fallout. I suggest to base her nickname on her name, surname, or some trait.
Hmm... Hmm... [makes his brain smoke] How about "Dyuzhina" (dozen) then...? No, that would confuse the readers, it doesn't look like 'Dvenadtsat' at all... Hmm... No, I'm out of ideas :(
[Dang, so it can't be split that way?

Nope. I was under impression that you talked about some other member (object number TWO, not TWELVE, obviously) and wondered why she's only mentioned here. "Dve" is legal Russian word. It means "pair". "Dva" is legal Russian word, means "two". "Twen" from your example does not exist, "Dve" does...

Khim
Second is a typo: s/Scheklat/Schelkat/...
[What typo?

k<->l

Khim
Some nitpicks about Russian words: Dve and Scheklat'. First of I'm not sure you need to try to show palatalized consonants: they don't exist in English and you don't show them in other places (Shest, not Shest', for example).
[Palatalized?

Yup, palatalized. More info in Wikipedia as usual. Basically all consonants can be pronounced two ways in Russian: plain or palatalized. And a lot of Russian words use palatalization to distinguish words. In your story, for example, there are cyborg named Shest, right? Sorry, Shest means pole, staff, not Six. Six is Shest' - with palatalized "t". People who only know English usually can not hear the difference - since English does not use palatalization to distinguish words (just like Russian speakers can not hear the difference between shit and sheet because Russian does not have long and short vovels or diphthongs). That's why I don't think you need to include these marks at all: you are omitting them in places where they mark the difference (Shest vs Shest'), why include them where they don't (word Schelkat' is correct but Schelkat simply does not exist, it's not a different word)? Especially if 99% of readers can not even imagine the difference?

[PCHeintz72]

[That is a problem. Would a type of footnote be less of a break to the flow?
[Or perhaps just listing the translated phrases at the end of the text?

Either is fine.