Humerous Quotes and Sayings

[Lord Aries Greymon]

Those are all quite good. Here's my contributions:
"A democracy is two wolves and a small lamb voting on what to have for dinner. Freedom under a constitutional republic is a well armed lamb contesting the vote." - Benjamin Franklin
"The Internet is a shallow and unreliable electronic repository of dirty pictures, inaccurate rumors, bad spelling and worse grammar, inhabited largely by people with no demonstrable social skills."
"I suggest you gentlemen invent a way to put a square peg into a round hole. Rapidly” - Gene Kranz
"there is no point declaring an war of emotions when one side cannot even be bothered to conscript a slight feeling of intrest to defend itself" SDNet's City Watch: Sergeant Detritus
begone, penguin-thumpers! begone, Jobsians! - Anonymous
Begone Gates' ^$#*-suckers! - Anonymous (sorry about this one, but it just doesn't have quite the funny it should with the censoring)
Never ask a man what computer he uses.
If it's a Mac, he'll tell you. If it's not, why embarrass him?- Tom Clancey
"...But since any reasonable person would choose a Mac over a PC, Apple's market share does provide us with an accurate reading of the percentage of reasonable people in our society."
-- Roger Ebert, cohost of Ebert & Roeper, in the February issue of MacWorld
"If you're falling off a cliff you may as well try to fly, you've got nothing to lose." - John Sheridan (Babylon 5)
"Nothing in this world can take the place of persistence...Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent. The slogan 'press on' has solved and always will solve the problems of the human race." - Calvin Coolidge (not particularly funny, but given the right situation ...)
"Any of those freaky animes where the high school guy has a harem of teenaged girls from space, or some all girls school, or the future...Most of the men are weak willed little emo pansies and they still get incredible play. Apparently men are in such short supply in those universes, the simple fact you have a functional penis is enough to get you laid, paid and made." 18-Till-I-Die on what anime he'd be in.
You know, the very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common. They don't alter their views to fit the facts. They alter the facts to fit their views. Which can be uncomfortable if you happen to be one of the facts that need altering - The Doctor (Doctor Who)
The Church is a veritable beacon of morality for the entire civilized world. A shining city on the mount. Where dirty old pervs rape little boys, potential lives are more valuable than existing ones and the threat of disease is insignificant to the threat of recreational sex (unless it's with a child, of course!). - Darth Raptor
FACT: Adding the word "fact" in all capitals at the beginning of a statement makes it more convincing.
"If I want to be dicked around, exploited, and have my intelligence insulted- I'll go to church."- Bill Maher
"Show me an angel and I will paint you one." - Gustav Courbet
"Quetzalcoatl, plumed serpent of the Aztecs... you are a pussy." - Stephen Colbert
"Really, I'm jealous of how much smarter than me he is. I'm not an expert on anything and he's an expert on things he knows nothing about." - Me, concerning a bullshitter (not really me, And I have forgotten who it was, if you know, please correct me)
"Honour Thy Tool, and Keep It Ridgid"- UW eng. motto
"It's not evil for God to do it. Or for someone to do it at God's command."- Jonathan Boyd on baby-killing
"you guys are fascinated with the use of those "rules of logic" to the extent that you don't really want to discussus anything."- GC

[Neko-]

"Honour Thy Tool, and Keep It Ridgid"- UW eng. motto

I don't know what the UW is... but I'm getting a completely different picture with that quote then is probably meant

[Lord Aries Greymon]

Honestly, that may have been the point for that one. You knever know, it could be the motto for the "man-whores" union.

[Bliss]

What is the definition of Agony?
A one-armed man hanging off a cliff with itchy balls.

[Tovath]

Oh! So that's what nail polish remover is for
Someone at summer camp
I believe the American people want a ass as president...and I believe I'll oblige them
President Coolidge

[Bliss]

"I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known."
- Walt Disney (1901-1966)
Somehow that just sounded so wrong when I read that....

[Bliss]

Here are some great ones from Jack Handey:
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned out warehouse. "Oh no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.
Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the person's house, and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern, with a knife stuck in the side of its head, with a note that says "you". After that, I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.
Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.
Children need encouragement, so if a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way, he develops a good, lucky feeling.
Instead of mousetraps, what about baby traps? Not to harm the babies, but just to hold them down until they can be removed.

[camk4evr]

Here's some from RPG Motivational Posters(There are some funier ones there but they don't work without the image):

Nymphos of the world unite!
And unite...
and unite...
and unite...

Chaotic Neutral
It makes firing into melee a whole lot more fun

It's a trap!
send the theif in first

Katana
It can cut through a tank! No, really! I saw it on the internet some where!

Lightsaber
The coolest weapon ever. Search your feelings. You know it to be thrue

Bewbs
Think of them as (SP) Still, Silent, Quickened Feeblemind, for fighters

[camk4evr]

Some things from The 213 things that Skippy is No longer allowed to do in the US Army:

2. My proper military title is "Specialist Schwarz" not "Princess Anastasia".
3. Not allowed to threaten anyone with black magic.
4. Not allowed to challenge anyone's disbelief of black magic by asking for hair.

7. Not allowed to add “In accordance with the prophesy” to the end of answers I give to a question an officer asks me.
8. Not allowed to add pictures of officers I don't like to War Criminal posters.

10. Not allowed to purchase anyone's soul on government time.

15. Not allowed to train adopted stray dogs to “Sic Brass!”

19. May not call any officers immoral, untrustworthy, lying, slime, even if I'm right.
20. Must not taunt the French any more.
21. Must attempt to not antagonize SAS.
22. Must never call an SAS a “Wanker”.
23. Must never ask anyone who outranks me if they've been smoking crack.
24. Must not tell any officer that I am smarter than they are, especially if it's true.
25. Never confuse a Dutch soldier for a French one.
26. Never tell a German soldier that “We kicked your ass in World War 2!”
27. Don't tell Princess Di jokes in front of the paras (British Airborne).

31. Not allowed to let sock puppets take responsibility for any of my actions.
32. Not allowed to let sock puppets take command of my post.
33. Not allowed to chew gum at formation, unless I brought enough for everybody.
34. (Next day) Not allowed to chew gum at formation even if I *did* bring enough for everybody.

36. Can't have flashbacks to wars I was not in. (The Spanish-American War isn't over).

39. Not allowed to ask for the day off due to religious purposes, on the basis that the world is going to end, more than once.
40. I do not have super-powers.

4

2. Not allowed to attempt to appeal to mankind's baser instincts in recruitment posters.
43. Camouflage body paint is not a uniform.

49. Not allowed to trade military equipment for “magic beans”.
50. Not allowed to sell magic beans during duty hours.
51. Not allowed to quote “Dr Seuss” on military operations.
52. Not allowed to yell “Take that Cobra” at the rifle range.
53. Not allowed to quote “Full Metal Jacket “ at the rifle range.
54. “Napalm sticks to kids” is *not* a motivational phrase.

58. The following words and phrases may not be used in a cadence- Budding sexuality, necrophilia, I hate everyone in this formation and wish they were dead, sexual lubrication, black earth mother, all Marines are latent homosexuals, Tantric yoga, Gotterdammerung, Korean hooker, Eskimo Nell, we've all got jackboots now, slut puppy, or any references to squid.
59. May not make posters depicting the leadership failings of my chain of command.
60. “The Giant Space Ants” are not at the top of my chain of command.
61. If one soldier has a 2nd Lt bar on his uniform, and I have an E-4 on mine It means he outranks me. It does not mean “I have been promoted three more times than you”.
62. It is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission, no longer applies to Specialist Schwarz.

69. May not pretend to be a fascist stormtrooper, while on duty.

77. The MP checkpoint is not an Imperial Stormtrooper roadblock, so I should not tell them "You don't need to see my identification, these are not the droids you are looking for."

87. If the thought of something makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.

94. Crucifixes do not ward off officers, and I should not test that.

130. “I’m drunk” is a bad answer to any question posed by my commander.

134. The loudspeaker system is not to be used to broadcast the soundtrack to a porno movie

154. Shouldn't treat “piss-bottles” with extra-strength icy hot.
155. Teaching Albanian children to taunt other soldiers is not nice.
156. I will no longer perform “lap-dances” while in uniform.
157. If I take the uniform off, in the course of the lap-dance, it still counts.

167. Not allowed to operate a business out of the barracks.
168. Especially not a pornographic movie studio.
169. Not even if they *are* “especially patriotic films”

174. Furby ® is not allowed into classified areas. (I swear to the gods, I did not make that up, it's actually DOD policy).

176. Any device that can crawl across the table on medium, does not need to be brought into the office.

191. Our Humvees cannot be assembled into a giant battle-robot.

205. Don't write up false gigs on a HMMWV PMCS. ("Broken clutch pedal", "Number three turbine has frequent flame-outs", "flux capacitor emits loud whine when engaged")
206. Not allowed to get shot.

212. Must not go on nine deployments in six years that require a security clearance that I don't have, even if the Army tells me repeatedly that I have one and I have no reason to question them.

[Tovath]

“I am Sailor Moon and in the name of the moon I shall punish you,” declared Moon.
“I am Ranma Saotome and in the name of the Saotome School of
Anything Goes Martial Arts, I’m going to have to laugh at those goofy
costumes that you girls are wearing. HAHAHAHA!”

smBL by sjiriki

[camk4evr]

Fanfic quotes go here, Tovath.

[camk4evr]

Man I hope I remembered these correctly...
From a T-shirt I saw today

Just another F@#$ed up day in paradise

From a t-shirt I was told about by the person wearing the above shirt

I know the voices aren't real but they have some good ideas

[Rei-chan]

One of my favorite t-shirts I have seen.

Jesus saves.... all others take 2d12 damage.

Another one I rather liked.

I would do what the voices in my head say to, but they don't speak english.

Another favorite.

Since I used up all my sick days, I am calling in dead.

[Metroidvania]

This one is kind of sad, but still made me smile.

By reading this, you have given me brief control of your mind

This one's not much better, but I'm sure it's happened once or twice.

Note to self: Pink Insulation is not cotton candy

[Hazard]

Scene from a comedy show here in Holland:
The worst Psychiatrist ever:

uhu.
uhu.
smacks head and whispers
Quiet, I'm with a patient