Prologue of my first Fukufic (No Name yet)

[Lenneth]

Well, I had a good amount of free time (Flu) so I decided to try writing a Fukufic.
It Dosn't have a Name yet but I would be open to any Suguestions for one.
here is the results sofar.
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Timeline: Starts several months after the wedding disaster…
Ranma is sitting at the table in his mother's recently rebuilt house in Juuban enjoying an incredibly unusual un-interrupted visit with his mother, today he was hopefully going to try to get to know her better.
Nodoka brought in a tray with some snacks and tea and sat them on the table and sat down, after serving both of them tea Ranma spoke up asking.
"Is their anything you would like to know about me?"
Nodoka looked thoughtful for a moment then asked if he could tell her about the training trip and not leave anything out.
Ranma sighed she had first asked this shortly after the wedding disaster and he told her he would tell her when they had a peaceful day.
He started at the beginning summarizing what she already knew, and filling in the blanks he omitted or candy coated earlier, surprisingly Nodoka stayed relatively calm through most of it only showing the smallest outward hints of anger at the particularly bad parts, such as running from wolves, running tied behind a train, the Neko Ken (she polished her sword during that part) and lastly Jusenkyo and the engagements that he's found out about.
Then Ranma asked his mother if she could tell him of his childhood before the training trip because he couldn't remember a thing about it, Nodoka briefly lost her composure and looked slightly disturbed by that request, but regained her composure somewhat and began.
“You were always a friendly and caring child, and you loved cats, you had a good friend that you used to play with, her name was Makoto Kino, she came by a few times after you left to see you but she stopped after a few months, I haven’t seen her since, you and her were nearly inseparable back then.”
She paused and showed a hint of anger and practically spat “then your father just had to go and take you on that Kami forsaken training trip.”
She calmed down and continued “back then you didn’t fit in with the other children in the area and were frequently pestered by bullies for being…different, Makoto was your only friend.”
Curious, Ranma asked his mother what she meant by him being “different” when he was little.
She looked a little uncomfortable then began “You weren’t like other boys, you tended to act and play much like a girl, that’s why bullies would pick on you, that was what prompted your ‘father’ to come up with the training trip nonsense, I lightheartedly joked about the Seppuku contract and the next day both of you were gone and that contract was on the table.” again she spat the word “Father” as if it were foul tasting, then her eyes began to tear up at the mention of the beginning of the training trip.
Ranma was a little taken back by this revelation, at first then shrugged it off as just more of the usual weirdness in his life and quietly responded “Figures…”
Ranma’s response was taken differently than he would have intended however by his mother, who while drying her eyes responded by asking him a question that he never would have expected “Which are you inside? A boy or a girl?”
Ranma was going to give his usual reflex response of “I’M A BOY” but he found he couldn’t, he thought about it for a moment and answered in a miserable sounding tone that carried a mix of Honesty, Shock, and Confusion. “I…I don’t know…”
His mother seemed to accept and understand this and recommended that he meditate on it, either there or someplace no one would disturb him for as long as he needed.
Ranma was in such a state of mental distress over this that he had to use the soul of ice just to hear what his mother recommended and be able to respond, then he replied “Their would be to many disturbances here, but I know of a place I can go, I’ll leave after dinner, if anyone asks anything tell em I went on a training trip or went off to practice a new technique”
Ranma had his pack with him as he had planned to spend a day or two at least so he wouldn’t have to go get it from the Tendo home, his mother nodded in understanding then hugged him and went to go make dinner.
Meanwhile Ranma just sat there like a statue with his mind in complete turmoil, when dinner was served he tried to shake himself out of it but had little success, and ate slowly barely managing to finish his meal, this worried Nodoka a little but she had a feeling deep down inside that he would come back from this a more balanced person.
All to soon it came time for Ranma to leave, as he hugged his mother goodbye she told him that no matter what his decision is, she would always love him and be there for him, he thanked her and hefted his pack and set out into the dusk only looking back to wave goodbye.
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So what do you think? (Keep the flames mild)

[Dumbledork]

Well, it is a little short so there isn't much to comment on but the the idea is good. Nothing negative to say.
One thing though. You write that Ranma loved cats when he was a kid. I've read that information in several fics. Is that a cannon fact (I can't remember seeing that in the manga or the anime) or something invented by fandom?

[Mitchell]

Seems nice, though I wont really comment on it until there is more.
One thing, you changed tenses there. I admit I am no expert, as I do it sometimes, but if I noticed... At the start you have present tense, i.e. (Ranma is sitting at the table) however then you had Ranma talking in past tense (he started at the begginning, and asked his mother about his childhood).
Not sure if it was intentional or even a mistake but it seemed a bit jarring.

[Lenneth]

I Vaguely remember seeing that Ranma Liked cats when he was a kid in the manga, but I cant for the life of me Remember exactly where.
Yeah it's short but to put much more in would interfere with where I want to start chapter one at.
I guess I could pad it out with some of Nodoka's past or something, I'll see what I can come up with.

One thing, you changed tenses there. I admit I am no expert, as I do it sometimes, but if I noticed... At the start you have present tense, i.e. (Ranma is sitting at the table) however then you had Ranma talking in past tense (he started at the begginning, and asked his mother about his childhood).

Um, Re-Read it, it dosnt say that it says, see below.
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He started at the beginning summarizing what she already knew, and filling in the blanks he omitted or candy coated earlier, surprisingly Nodoka stayed relatively calm through most of it only showing the smallest outward hints of anger at the particularly bad parts, such as running from wolves, running tied behind a train, the Neko Ken (she polished her sword during that part) and lastly Jusenkyo and the engagements that he's found out about.
Then Ranma asked his mother if she could tell him of his childhood before the training trip because he couldn't remember a thing about it...
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Thanks for bringing that up though I now realise I need to clairify that part a little.
I have the flu just now so I guess i'm not up to my full abilitys at writing just now...

[Yrael]

A bit too short to really get a good grasp of the story, but there were definitely some tense issues there. Also, Ranma seemed a bit to in the middle about his own gender when asked directly. I would perhaps let him give his usual spiel about the matter at first, then have Nodoka slowly pull something closer to the truth from him.
.02

[Lenneth]

A bit too short to really get a good grasp of the story, but there were definitely some tense issues there. Also, Ranma seemed a bit to in the middle about his own gender when asked directly. I would perhaps let him give his usual spiel about the matter at first, then have Nodoka probe the truth of the matter out of him.
.02

That sounds like A Good Idea, I'll see what I can do with it, Thanks!

[Sunshine Temple]

Has a fair start.
Like others have said too short to get more than a grasp.
One thing you do is tell not show.
Take this section

Then Ranma asked his mother if she could tell him of his childhood before the training trip because he couldn't remember a thing about it, Nodoka briefly lost her composure and looked slightly disturbed by that request, but regained her composure somewhat and began.

It doesn't have much impact. It's just the narrator going over what happened.
More effective if it's like this

Ranma paused, unsure how to procede. Here was a chance... and he was curious. "So what was it like growin' up? You know, before that trip."
Nodoka's face breifly lost composure and Ranma was disturbed by the mix of sadness and anger on his mother's face. Nodoka blinked with deliberate slowness and regained some control. "It... it was nice reallly."

Something like that. More detail, more information. Give the reader a very solid image of events as they happen

[Lenneth]

Ok, thanks!
*looks at the falling snow outside briefly before starting to write again*

[pspinler]

The opening few paragraphs suffer some. They really could use a much better job of setting the scene, and drawing readers into the story. Right now, it's a big case of telling, rather than showing.
Introduce and describe Ranma and Nodoka, at least a bit. Talk about their moods. Have Ranma travelling to Nodoka's house, or Nodoka inviting Ranma to visit, or something. Describe their actions.
Anyway, good luck!
-- Pat

[Lenneth]

All great ideas, gee I wish I didn't have this flu and could think a little clearer.

[Raz308]

Sorry I couldnt get to this sooner.
I could knit-pick about a few grammar errors (i.e. the personification of having the tea "sat" on the table instead of "set". Or words that sound alike but mean different things like to and too)
But thats all for editing anyway. (Sorry if that sounded like a flame lol)
Anywho, not too bad, I think you missed what someone was trying to point out, the first line of the story starts in present tense, but then the rest goes to past. Just change the first line and youre good.
The showing vs. telling was also already mentioned, just remember for that to use sensory images; images that relate to ones senses.
- Ramna felt the cold rain on her skin, each drop feeling like a stab from an icicle.
When you relate the actions and descriptions to the senses, the reader gets a better feel for the story.
Also, a tip to everyone that loves commas and the word "and". Simply read your writing out aloud and find out how you want it to sound. Where you break when you speak is usually where they go, especially in dialogue.
Definately potential, all we need is some more writing!
-Raz

[Metroidvania]

First off, sorry to hear about your flu, I just got over one a week or so.
As Sunny said, the main problem I'm finding is the showing, not telling.
I can see the imagery now in my head, but its too robotic, lacking emotional involvement.

His mother seemed to accept and understand this and recommended that he meditate on it, either there or someplace no one would disturb him for as long as he needed.

another possible example.
Nodoka seemed to accept his declaration, her expression one of understanding.
"Ranma," She spoke warmly. "I reccomend that you meditate on this, either here, or some other place where you think you would be able to disturb you for the time you may need."

“Their would be to many disturbances here, but I know of a place I can go, I’ll leave after dinner, if anyone asks anything tell em I went on a training trip or went off to practice a new technique”

Should be There, and a little later, Too with 2 "O"s.

When you relate the actions and descriptions to the senses, the reader gets a better feel for the story.
Also, a tip to everyone that loves commas and the word "and". Simply read your writing out aloud and find out how you want it to sound. Where you break when you speak is usually where they go, especially in dialogue.

What I think Raz is saying is that you've got what could in several places, you've got several different sentences that are, right now, a massive run-on.
i.e.

“Their would be to many disturbances here, but I know of a place I can go, I’ll leave after dinner, if anyone asks anything tell em I went on a training trip or went off to practice a new technique”

With elimination of run-ons, and a little detail.....

There would be too many disturbances here, but I know a place I can go. I'll leave tonight, after we eat. If anyone asks about where I went, just tell 'em I went on a training trip to learn a new technique or somethin'.

See my point?
By eliminating run-on sentences and fleshing the newly formed sentences, your imagery improves rapidly, even in this short paragraph with Ranma talking.
Read it to yourself, and slow down a little. As you read through it yourself, try and think of ways you can improve on the detail. And if you think you're going overboard, repost it, it's hard sometimes to be objective about your own work. If you have trouble, try reading each line out loud and see how it sounds.
As for a title, right now, it's a bit too short for us to have an idea on where you're taking this, but try to think of where you're going with this fic, and take it from there.

[Lenneth]

Point taken and understood, Hope to have a revised Prologue up late this evening, this one will be a LOT better.

[Anime_Freak317]

From the little (very at that) that is here, I can atleast surmise that Ranma will not be Makoto's sempai, the moon cats may play a part in the elimination of Ranma's fear, the scouts will be in their junior year of high school (thus being after Galaxia) and Ranma WILL have a gender issue. I like how it's going. Keep it up, put more to the prologue, and I may be able to help out with a name.

[Lenneth]

I can atleast surmise that Ranma will not be Makoto's sempai

How do you Figure that?
& Sorry about the delay this Flu decided to hit me like a few hundred bricks the other day..
Feeling better now though.