PCHeintz72
I was regrettibly rushed reading this, my time has been very imited the last few weeks.
[It's okay. This is still a very long and wonderfully detailed commentary.
While too late to matter, some thoughts, take them for what you will. They are same as the last time I reviewed your story, stream of thought as I read, not a after read review (some seem to like it better, others don't, but I remember you stating you did):
[I can always revise things.
Still, very nicely done. I would have liked a little more of Nami's thoughts during the Nodoka situation, or at least the conversation after. But it ended ok.
[Hmm... yes more of Nami is needed. Well, at the very least, we can work on that in ch3.
[Obviously, that is an issue that will have to be addressed.
I do think Ranma might well reget letting out as much as was said about both the names of her employer/charge, and locations she can be found at. The mall is a fairly generic place, and was unavoidable and not likely to cause harm, but now Nodoka knows mall, park, charge name, employer name, general area she goes to, a high end resturante, and one or two school names that is in her very class.
[Yes, that is a lot of information.
I liked the apparent shifting of thoughts as the conversation between Ranma/Nodoka occured.
[Good.
When the store was mentioned, I was half expecting a cameo of Ai Yori Aoshi.
[Oh?
The Etsuko character is a bit suspicious though, and cannot help but think I heard the name somewhere before.
[Heh
I like the apparent hints given in Setsuna's speech patterns to indicate continuing growing affection from the end of the last chapter. This is evident in multiple points in the story line. Particularly on the vague multiple interpretation statement:
[Excellent. Given this fic's lack of action, it is all char dev. Which results in the dialog being quite important.
"Yes," Setsuna said, feeling ashamed that she could not tell Ranma the truth. Ranma's work with Hotaru had been amazing and she deserved to know... to not be some... servant. Sighing she put in a bookmark and closed her book. Right now there was time for Ranma to keep making a difference in her ward's life. The more impact she had now... the better things were going to be in the future, for all of them.
It is interesting to see the leaps and bounds Hotaru is improving by, but a bit odd, since except vague references, we know little of just how much time has passed.
[This was done deliberately.
[The course of time is vague to Ranma. She is living this life and has gotten used to it and grown into it. In a way she's become unstuck from the flow of time that she was used to.
I noticed it before, but it just reads off to me as Hotaru going by the Meiou name, and not Tomoe.
[Setsuna adopted Hotaru. *shrugs*
Nodoka 'being in the area' strikes as wrong, considering.
[Yes, it is. Quite deliberate on Nodoka's part.
Hmmm... I'm rethinking this Nodoka's personality upon her discussing Ukyo. I'm convinced she is not only faking her obtuseness, but it acting the way she is not not only subtly manipulate others, but to have plausibly denigability.
[Heh. This has been a very fun Nodoka to work on.
[She has the same stated goals and views as the cannon (and fanon) but... the workings in her mind are... well you've read ch2.
That last statement from her almost makes me wonder what she would do when confronted with such a truth.
[Indeed.
A odd note of a thought occured to me with Akane and Ranma in the mall. Not once yet has Ranma bothered to become a man, in fact, I cannot recall it at all so far. It is a bit disconcerting. Although not unexpected form a story by either of you.
[Ranma did it in ch1, but has lost interest.
Despite the setup, I still thought Ranma breaking off with Akane was a bit too smooth. Oh well.
[Well, we felt that the breakup was already done. The two just had to admit it.
On second thought, after reading the whole scene, I take that back.
[Ah, excellent then.
Ranma is wrong on one point though. The Anazons would know more than a phone number depending when/if questioned. Ranma was careful with the first meeting, but the rest were in Juuban area, and if after the meeting with Nodoka. Well...
[Indeed, it's getting to be less and less of a secret.
It seems odd to me that it would be so painful on first transformation. I put it either due to fighting through Ranma's natural form, or due to no henshin stick.
[This will be explained in ch3
The Super Nanny form needs a drawing.
[Here you go
http://www.fukufics.com/viewtopic.php?t=1913Ahhh... and there is the stick.
[Yup
The thing is, IMO canon Usagi got less mature as the series went on. She is the reason I put down the sailor moon anime while watching the latter half of the 5th season. It grates so bad on my nerves listening to her.
[That is the anime. In the manga she gets more Mature.
An odd thought occured to me on reading the following:
"It was a good idea," Setsuna said patting Ranma on the stomach. "You two have been wonderful for me."
Did Setsuna mean Ranma and Hotaru, or Ranma and his/her stomache?
[heh.
An inconsistency has been bugging me. At multiple points it was brought out Setsuna here is a fashion designer. I've no issue with that, though maybe Etsuko might have recognized the name. But if that is true, why was she at the observatory with scientists? I can understand her wanting to see the eclipse, but that would not really give her access to the scientists mentioned.
[Setsuna is a consultant to modern firms. Etsuko is quite traditional. Different circles.
[As for the observatory that's a cannon event (as is the eclipse)
[Her being a fashion designer is her cannon occupation too.
The following bugged me:
"but if you want to yes, join us." Setsuna offered.
Should probably be something more along the lines of: "but if you want to, then yes, join us."
[quite correct. I'll make the correction.
Heh, at the presentation of the duck, I thought of Akane's comments on not seeing Mouse, and thought that it might have been him on the platter. After all, served on a silver platter.
[Heh, no that's not the myopic one.
While Setsuna could arrange a lot given a 'one hour window', I have to question getting all that food out of a resturante like that on that short notice. An inconsistency, she says 'few hours' at the end of the meal.
[Hmm... I thought it was all a few hour window...
[well if you find the line where they say one hour, I'll change it.
One final comment, when entering the resturante, I was a bit curious you went out of your way to have the waitress make that comment (whether she was actually correct or not matters not), but did not seem to follow up on it. I found it odd.
[Heh.
Final Final comment, drat, I last DL'ed this on the 27th, figuring all the changes would have been in by that point. Now I see your last comment from the 28th.
[Yes, it is still a live document.
Look forward to more.
[Thanks, glad you enjoyed it.
[Updated to v5f
