Strained Harmony ch2 is here!

[Spokavriel]

I think that was just a guess at the quickest ammount of time to get in there. Looks like another reason for me to reread Not that I would mind that.

[ranger5]

Overall a nice addition. Not gonna try a grammar check and many (who are probably better at it than me) have already done so.

I like how Nodoka is being presented. Much sharper than normal ... yet with a psychological twist that goes a long way towards explaining her actions. Well done. I like the way she (may) know deep down there is a problem ... but is fighting tooth and nail to show (logically) why it is NOT Genma's fault.

The line where she practically admitted that she would be Genma's oldest "gull" if she were wrong and the (subtle) way you had her eyes darting around as she said that was perfect.

The interaction between Hotaru and Ranma when his new "problem" was presented was well done. Particulary when she turned Ranma's "request for a hint of their magical girl nature" back on her... not hinting of the newly acquired healing powers.

You guys are doing a wonderful job of gently building your "case" in this fic.

[Sunshine Temple]

PCHeintz72


These are the lines I was getting one hour from until reading the later entry.

"I'm sure they can free one up for you in an hour or so," Ranma dryly remarked.

"Excellent, plenty of time," Setsuna said pulling out her phone.

[Hmm... I could go by the weasel words that "in an hour or so" could mean longer
[Guess I can revise that.

Spokavriel

I think that was just a guess at the quickest ammount of time to get in there. Looks like another reason for me to reread Not that I would mind that.

[yes... I could go with that excuse ^_^

ranger5

Overall a nice addition. Not gonna try a grammar check and many (who are probably better at it than me) have already done so.
[Sokay. It's great whenever we can get you to review ^_^
[Now if only we can get you to post too. ^_-

I like how Nodoka is being presented. Much sharper than normal ... yet with a psychological twist that goes a long way towards explaining her actions. Well done. I like the way she (may) know deep down there is a problem ... but is fighting tooth and nail to show (logically) why it is NOT Genma's fault.

[Thank you. Yes, Nodoka is a very fun character
[Yes, her logic is great

The line where she practically admitted that she would be Genma's oldest "gull" if she were wrong and the (subtle) way you had her eyes darting around as she said that was perfect.

[Good. Yes, the thing with this smart Nodoka is that she has to realize the possibility of that.

The interaction between Hotaru and Ranma when his new "problem" was presented was well done. Particulary when she turned Ranma's "request for a hint of their magical girl nature" back on her... not hinting of the newly acquired healing powers.

[Indeed.

You guys are doing a wonderful job of gently building your "case" in this fic.

[Thank you very much. It has been fun to go on with the building

[Dumbledork]

As no one has posted any corrections for quite some time I thought that it was time to enter the scene and reread the thing and start nitpicking. And I'll even add my own omake at the end... to sweeten the blows you'll probably receive (just joking... except for the omake; that one's sadly true)

One more think about Ranma's fuku. It's really, REALLY mortifying. I hope that Ranma somehow manages to change a few details later on, because the public probably will call her Sailor Nanny or Sailor Servant or something like that, making Ranma feel like she's not really a member of the team.

When Hotaru suggested 'Sailor Nanny' I immediately had to think of Fran Drescher (I know I'm strange; sue me... as long as you don't Mary Sue me... *RIP*. I know, that was horrible)

You'll see that I've started to correct all the Aunty, Mom, and other such words you wrote with capitals, but then I thought that maybe it would be possible to keep the capital letters, as those are terms of endearment, although personally I'd use lowercase letters.

I've corrected some comma problems where I'm sure that You made a mistake. There are probably a lot more such mistakes... but as commas are not really my specialty I left them alone.

Now, without further ado... THE CORRECTION (tremble mortals, HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!)



modest in cut; it still left => cut, it

I wonder if she'll be my friend after today? => after today.

help but smile when a welcome face => smile as a welcome

the bottle. "And the next => bottle, "and that the

between the two counties for decades => countries

heir to the Saotome School , but => school,

Nami opted to changed the subject => change

as she made eyes between Ranma and Akane => made eye contact with Ranma and Akane

No bit more... about => No a bit

as the brash fiance => fiancé

Akane manage to catch the humor in the other's eye => managed... other girl's eye

I thought so to," Nami agreed => too

"He's a about five years older => He's about

Nami snorted.. => snorted.

They think he's a nice confident young => nice, confident

two of this jerks ex-girlfriends => jerk's

she can hear first hand what this guy => firsthand

Half hour later, Nami came out => Half an hour

"What did you think?" She asked Akane => do you

" I knew she was starting => "I

she said carefully as she rehung the dress => hung up (I don't think 'rehang' is a valid verb)

the kid she's nannying => 'nanny' is not a verb

shopping with her own girlfriends than... well, with Ranma => girlfriends rather than

stave off a impending headache => an

all that old fashion stuff => fashioned

" The White Crane, I think => "The

of a plaza on way over here => on the way

she tried to recall from who she had heard the name of the store from => The first 'from' has got to go

older woman bustling toward to them => toward them

After a short moment her eyes widen => widened

And so tasteful to => too

And.. Oh! Oh! => And...

That's quite all right, Dear => dear

her smile became melancholy in remembrance => melancholic

"Anyway, Aunty," Nodoka said => aunty

I came out to buy a outfit => an

to the back changing room => 'changing room in the back' would be better, I think

"Yes Dear," Etsuko noted => dear

What ever is the matter => Whatever

Nodoka raised and eyebrow at the second mention => an eyebrow

handing two garments one to each girl => handing one garment to each girl

there was not price tag on the garment => no price

The redhead lead the quartet down a block => led

do you have a reservation ? => reservation?

couldn't really do anything that was psychically active for any length of time => couldn't sustain any physical activity

with exercise and diet => and the right diet

considered for a moment in how Nodoka would react => moment how

It sort of a family moniker or something => It is sort

unclasp the brooch from it's chain => its

Nodoka studied the brooch in hand carefully => in her hand

she turned the brooch this way and that => this way and that way

There's a makers mark => maker's

She always liked Ranma's brooch => She has always

it and handing the brooch => and then handed

back to Ranma.. => Ranma.

the food presented before her => placed in front of here (nothing wrong, but there's already a 'presented' in the previous line)

It was amazing how fresh the fish was in it => the fish in it was

Akane here is his fiancee => fiancée

Ranma said an icy tone => said in an

Nodoka wore a expression that was => an expression

in meeting Ranma's fiancee => fiancée

I thought Akane was Ranma's fiancee => fiancée

"Two fiancees'?" Nami thought . => fiancées? Nami thought.

And I'm sure Miss Kounji will have => Kuonji

Ranma said, her tone was disturbingly civil as she took another bite => tone being disturbingly

but the long pauses and clinical demeanor was somewhat disturbing => were somewhat

from young girl to mature women much too fast, had something happened to her? => woman // fast. Has ('has' because those are Nodoka's thoughts)

Can I speak to you a moment => for a moment (I think)

I'll be just outside if you need me" => me,"

So why push your Mom then => mom

"Doesn't mean...?"Akane => ?" Akane

She promised to check out Ukyou => Ukyo

Akane manage to work out => managed

I do feel better having less hassles => 'fewer hassles' or 'less hassle' (according to Microsoft Office Word 2007's spellchecker)

you have people willing to help you and that understand => you have willing and understanding people to help you

Then as if Nodoka were recalling something spoke again => Than, as ... something, she spoke again

herself to contact her husbands old friends => husband's

griping her chopsticks a bit tighter => gripping (I think that griping has a slightly different meaning. But it's not false)

weird feeling of deja-vu => déjà vu

One minute Nodoka seem very => seemed

sword-waving ninny go?... unless, that was her => go? Unless... that

matter of honor and a swore pledge => sworn pledge

"Genma.." Ranma trailed off => Genma...

symbolizes: The honor of => the

"Yes Dear," Nodoka chastised => dear

She really like it and did => liked

Though she had to worry about Nabiki => Though,

I just wish that my lunch treat was appreciated by you => I just hope

and she could find a way break the news => way to break

Feeling she made the right decision, Nodoka => she had made

maturing into a fine young, woman => young woman

Ranma said cheerfully, she then smiled => cheerfully.

What's going on with your cousin's fiancee => fiancé

But if you need someone to talk too.. => to...

What in the hell kind of person is she that thinks that => that she thinks

that hurt her more that lying to her mother => than lying

It seemed that the only thing new was her own confusion about what and who she
really was being the only new thing added into the mix => there's a problem with this sentence.

and was just tempted to just tell Nodoka => was tempted to

and then she would be sure whether => 'would know for sure' sounds better

not if Ranma had any say to it => say in it

noticing the weariness in Ranma demeanor => Ranma's

Her hands twitched and she relished the chance give them something to do => chance to give

Sliding open the closet, she was placed it reverently on => she placed it

as she patted the turquoise color cloth => colored (I think)

It was... fun.. to be => fun...

loud enough to shake Ranma from her morosing => 'morose' is not a verb.
How about 'brooding' or maybe 'melancholic thoughts'?

explained Ranma's mood, Setsuna expected as much => mood. Setsuna

Not unless you can get my Mom over some => mom

" I just don't want to lie anymore => "I

close to telling Mother everything => mother

I really not sure anymore => I'm really

I don't want to run from Mom either => mom

what the redhead was wearing.. => wearing.

No that wouldn't be proper => No, that

Some of the new geta with the just back heel => with just the

I heard that you're Miss Ranma's Aunty's Aunty => aunty's aunty

Though big flowing patterns do suit her => Though, big

The bow in back is too big => on the back

Stuff not in it's right time => its

Moving closer, her counter-part did the same, => same.

in front of Hotrau's door => Hotaru's

She drew near the young girl cautiously, Ranma bent over slightly => cautiously, and bent

the desperation in Ranma's voice seem to break => seemed

Hotaru looked at Ranma in the eye => looked Ranma in the eye

to dissuade any worries in the younger girl => worries the

Tell you what, how about => what? How

Ranma and Hotaru's current => Ranma's

Was what she saw real, a trick of the light, or => real? A trick of the light? Or

was bordered by all sides => on all

made it appeared that it was leftover => appear as if it was

However the history of the => However,

in the young girls eyes => girl's

thwarted by Hotaru pressing forward and stepping into Ranma => do you mean 'Ranma's defense'?

"Impressive training," she => training." She

Despite her efforts , Ranma still => efforts,

Nodoka's eyes gaze went to => Are you sure the word 'eyes gaze' exists? Maybe eyes' gaze

while it was not impossible to tempt her husband; it was never for long => husband, it

that it make a certain amount of sense => made

Ukyo was his fiancee =< fiancée

She paused for affect as Ranma => effect

before some innocent bystander got injured => gets

and how it quickly filled up with => how quickly it had filled up with

It really is hard to find the truth isn't it? => truth, isn't

Quite the contrary, there is => contrary. There

tried to guess at what rationalizations that Nodoka could come up with. to explain them
=> this sentence needs to be rewritten

Well... not.. not like that => not... not

"You'll see, my husband is => see. My

The older women glanced at her => woman

It was lovely meeting you, see you both later => you, see

bad man, right?" she asked => She

"I don't know, I really don't." => know. I

a shoe store and a upscale dress shop => an upscale

Looking like any other school-girl on a Saturday afternoon => schoolgirl

Ranma blended in the with crowd and watched => blended in with the

Damn," Ranma thought as her eyes => Damn!" Ranma

Stealthfully she tried the door => Stealthily

Ranma said as she flipped though the rack of lacy bras => through

"I'm sure your were," => you

As small as they make those things now-a-days => nowadays

check that thing-ama-jig => thingamajig

get out of the mall all together => altogether

And Akane... er," => er...

that was happening with her ex-fiancee surfaced => ex-fiancé

to the back of the cafe, there they found => cafe. There

notice the changes in her ex-fiancee => ex-fiancé

Akane had expected this and knew Ranma was driving at => knew what Ranma

my name is Hitomi, I'll be your server today => Hitomi and I will

Akane.. you're my friend => Akane...

the stunts your father pulled => pulled...

she paused and look away => looked

think of Ranma as her ex-fiance => fiancé

it was just that: An act => an act

A silence fell between the two, it was neither => two. It

neither an awkward or comfortable one => awkward nor a comfortable

more in control of my life than I ever had been => I've ever been

I can't see myself as a total girl => totally as a girl

she wore a look of thoughtfulness, the look made her => thoughtfulness. The

overestimate Nabiki's initiative, her older sister => initiative. Her

After Daddy and Nabiki and your father are... what in jail? Fined? => are... what? In jail?

Do you get it? You won => Don't you

she reassured with a hug => reassured (Ranma, the redheaded girl, her friend, or something else) with

"You've only done what you had too." => had to

Ranma reminded as she ate her => reminded Akane as

Cologne and Mousse have disappeared all together => altogether

It was nowhere near what Setsuna had treated her too => her to

I've been avoiding the Cat Cafe => you wrote 'Cat-Cafe' in chapter 1

With firm lips, Akane though for a moment => lips Akane // thought

All I know that no one has seen either => know is that

as long as I don't ever have to mess with them => don't have (there's a second 'ever' in the sentence) // to deal with

Oh.. yeah, you were gone => Oh yeah

No more weirder than Martial => No weirder

Akari is a sweet girl and she was determined => is determined

the green-hair woman replied => green-haired

The disappointed look on Hotaru's was touching => Hotaru's (face ?) was touching
=> how about 'The disappointment that was visible on Hotaru's face was touching'

it about time to notch up your training => it's about

something that she learned from years of martial arts practice => she had learned

It was unfortunate that she never applied that creed => she had never

anything else outside of that - that until Hotaru taught her => that - at least until Hotaru

It was like suddenly she did not get enough sleep the night before => She suddenly felt like she hadn't got(ten) enough

She looked out the window to look at the darkened landscape => the windos at the (to avoid repetition)

Ranma knew two things at that moment: One, it => one

Standing, fighting the => Standing, while simultaneously fighting

Miss Meioh is doing some research, she's over => research. She's

turned off her cellphone to not be disturbed => cellphone so as not to be

As soon as I inform my class => I've informed

Ranma concluded motheringly => motherly

as the eclipse began, that had changed rapidly => began. That

when the eclipse was at it's height => its

something from another dimension crossed over into hers => crossing over

that was the reason I couldn't transform?" => transform."

Setsuna made her way deeper into apartment => into the apartment

Shaking her head, making her => head and making

stocking feet together, Setsuna noticed => that Setsuna

she found her two house mates => housemates

She watched them both just a more minutes before => just for a few more minutes

only to beat it back by will power => willpower

some things that martial artist just can't do => martial artists

Ranma thought calmer => calming down

it really wasn't a true panic... is was more like a urgent calling => panic... it // an urgent calling

with more interest that she should have => interest than she

needed to learn how to date, someone as nice => date. Someone

If Setsuna took Hotaru to the doctor's she'd would have woke => Setsuna had taken // would have woke

as she reentered the apartment, the feeling was that => apartment. The

she emptied the contents of her stomach onto the carpet front of her => in front of

desperately attempted to regain control herself => control of herself

Standing without any ill affects => effects

but the white collar was now much wider and now sported => much wider and sported

if too mentally stabilize herself = if to mentally

topped with a orb with wings on it => an orb

What in the hell is going on here! => here?

Sighing , she looked about her => Sighing,

even the grays the darkness of the shadows => grays. The

poked her head in Hotaru's room => into Hotaru's

"I'm ..," Ranma paused => I'm...

Stealing a glance at Hotaru, who was => The redhead was stealing

subjective time, for Setsuna => time. For

If she was more forthright with Ranma => had been more

she reentered the furo, Hotaru's eyes => furo. Hotaru's

She could not help it, she was => help it. She

Then her voice than calmed a bit => voice calmed

the redhead look from back and forth between => looked back and forth

aware of the young girls feelings => girl's

I would have at least would have liked a hint => I would have liked a hint at least

there was plenty of magic around, her current body => around. Her

Setsuna with the same pride when Hotaru got a perfect score an exam => something is missing

I should have told you, I've => you. I've

Ranma blushed while Setsuna smiled thinly => Setsuna thinly smiled

before sitting at her left.. => left.

After Ranma finished she leaned forward => had finished

But not bodyguard or stuff like that => not as bodyguards

each piece fit into it's own zone => its

"Lemmie guess, that clique => Lemme

that clique she has is her Guardian Senshi => has are her

I wouldn't trust that kind of power with anyone else => sentence sounds strange

it was.. hard to put down roots again => was...

decided to refill Hotaru and Setsuna's => Hotaru's

Being a fashion designer is just a cover, sure it's => cover. Sure

normally pointless, here the => pointless. Here

If I'd have known you would be => I had known

Um.. okay, er... => Um...

Ranma was surprised with herself at how blase she was taking => herself at // blasé

Deciding that she had enough weirdness => she had had enough

would be normal a month later?" the redhead narrowed => later?" The

the table, with a slightly => table. With

with a slightly too elaborate flourish removed the cover revealing => flourish she removed the cover, revealing

after the course was setup and => set up

It's... too.. good => too...

Don't think that, your work => that. Your

accepted another spoon from Hotaru => another spoonful

She might come around, if not." => around. If not..."

added with a smile as she absently licking her fangs => licked

"Shhhh...," the Akane whispered => "Akane

Pony-tailed snorted => The pony-tailed girl

"You perverts! Your both... you => You're both

more in control of my life than I ever had been => than I've ever been

Ranma voice drifted off before => Ranma's voice

Wray, Terra, Ikarus, PH Wise => Ikarus, PH Wise

chewing through this huge things => thing

THE END!

[Dumbledork]

The omake didn't fit in the previous post, so here it is. I proudly present to you, my very first omake ever. I hope you'll appreciate it.

OMAKE * OMAKE * OMAKE * OMAKE

Oh my," Ranma said as she stared at the food before her. It was too much to resist and she resumed her steady consumption.

"Glad you like it," Setsuna said once the waitresses had left them alone again.

The redhead nodded and kept eating. She frowned slightly when Hotaru straightened up and started eating her own meal.

Ranma's pout faded slightly as she continued to eat. "You’re right, this is amazingly succulent. Lovely little birds."

"Wonderful," Setsuna said after finishing her own poussin and moving onto the bit of duck.

"The rice is very good," Hotaru said as she cut a piece of breast meat and handed it to Ranma.

“Wow!” Ranma exclaimed after tasting the duck meat. “I’ve never sampled poultry as good as this one. The meat is so tender… and firm at the same time”

“Well… technically, duck isn’t poultry,” Setsuna explained. “Only domesticated animals can be poultry.”

“Doesn’t matter,” Ranma answered, eyeing the epitome of perfectly prepared food in front of her like Sylvester would Tweety Bird. Seeing the greedy look, Setsuna immediately placed a large piece on Ranma’s plate. As Ranma prepared to dig in, she noticed a glint in the sauce. Intrigued she took a closer look at the object lying in the sauce.

“What the…” she said as she looked over to Setsuna. “Is glass a typical side-dish for this kind of food?” She asked the green haired woman and used her chopsticks to remove the foreign object from the dish.

“Looks like a monocle. No, more like a glass from a pair of spectacles,” Setsuna said. “We’d better ask the cook about it.”

Setsuna asked the waitress to fetch the cook and the proprietor of the restaurant, explaining about the piece of glass they found on the platter.

The cook and proprietor arrived immediately and the cook immediately recognized the piece of glass was. “I recognize it,” he explained in an apologetic tone. “This piece must have fallen out of the glasses the duck was wearing.”

Hearing this, both Setsuna and Ranma choked and turned green. ‘Duck? Glasses?’ They both thought and looked at each other, the shock visible on their faces.

“Duck? Glasses?” Ranma asked tentatively. “Care to explain?”

“It was like this. We found the duck this morning in our backyard this morning in a pretty bad condition. It looked like someone had beaten it almost to death. So we decided to kill two birds with one stone (pun intended) and decided to put it out of its misery and… well… we always serve the freshest meat available. The strange thing was that the duck was wearing glasses. But we didn’t think much of it and got rid of them.”

“I hope this didn’t affect the taste of the dish. We will of course reduce the bill and hope that you will continue to frequent our restaurant,”

“Don’t worry,” Setsuna reassured the owner. “You’ve never disappointed me before and something like this can happen to anyone.”

Meanwhile Ranma had resumed eating the bird with gusto. And as the cook and owner were leaving, she whispered into Setsuna’s ear. “Mousse DOES have his uses… even if it only is in death.” And both women started chuckling as Setsuna took another bite of duck meat.

[Innortal]

Very ... twisted. Only thing missing was a pork dish.

[Dumbledork]

Well... Akane told Ranma that tha amazons had disappeared. So this could be an explanation as to what happened to Mousse.

[Sunshine Temple]

As no one has posted any corrections for quite some time I thought that it was time to enter the scene and reread the thing and start nitpicking. And I'll even add my own omake at the end... to sweeten the blows you'll probably receive (just joking... except for the omake; that one's sadly true)

[Oh my. We'll let's see what you've got.

One more think about Ranma's fuku. It's really, REALLY mortifying. I hope that Ranma somehow manages to change a few details later on, because the public probably will call her Sailor Nanny or Sailor Servant or something like that, making Ranma feel like she's not really a member of the team.

[Yes, the uniform is quite deliberate, for that effect.
[Sailor Maid is another possibility

When Hotaru suggested 'Sailor Nanny' I immediately had to think of Fran Drescher (I know I'm strange; sue me... as long as you don't Mary Sue me... *RIP*. I know, that was horrible)

[Heh.


Wray, Terra, Ikarus, PH Wise => Ikarus, PH Wise
[what's wrong here?

chewing through this huge things => thing
[heh

THE END!

[yay! Thank you very much. Great work

[I'm not sure on the Omake. I know it's been pushed, but I was never too fond with the eating glasses wearing duck joke. Sorry

[V6 now

the kid she's nannying => 'nanny' is not a verb
[It's dialog. That's fine

You'll see that I've started to correct all the Aunty, Mom, and other such words you wrote with capitals, but then I thought that maybe it would be possible to keep the capital letters, as those are terms of endearment, although personally I'd use lowercase letters.

[The rule is you use a capital if the thing can be replaced by a proper name.
[IE
["Why hello, Mother."
["I was just talking with my mother."

I've corrected some comma problems where I'm sure that You made a mistake. There are probably a lot more such mistakes... but as commas are not really my specialty I left them alone.

[Okay

Now, without further ado... THE CORRECTION (tremble mortals, HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!)

[Heh


all that old fashion stuff => fashioned
[this could almost be a pun ;p


That's quite all right, Dear => dear
[here it should stay capitalized.

to the back changing room => 'changing room in the back' would be better, I think
[agreed

"Two fiancees'?" Nami thought . => fiancées? Nami thought.
[don't use the accents for formatting concerns

So why push your Mom then => mom
[case where it should be lowercase

"Doesn't mean...?"Akane => ?" Akane

She promised to check out Ukyou => Ukyo
[for this we're using Ukyou as the spelling of her name

Was what she saw real, a trick of the light, or => real? A trick of the light? Or
[don't see what's wrong with the original

bad man, right?" she asked => She
[nope, should stay she

that was happening with her ex-fiancee surfaced => ex-fiancé
[in this case the ee is deliberate

that clique she has is her Guardian Senshi => has are her
[clique is singular in this case

I wouldn't trust that kind of power with anyone else => sentence sounds strange
[how so?

[Dumbledork]

I wouldn't trust that kind of power with anyone else => sentence sounds strange
[how so?

wouldn't 'entrust' be better?

As for the omake, I'd like your opinion about the writing style. I need some incentive and reassurance before I post the next chapter of 'Saint Cassiopeia'

[Spokavriel]

I'm once again amazed at how many suggested corrections just seem wrong to me.

Dozens of great catches but I'm beginning to wish it were easier for me to skip part of a post.

The Omake is obvious for the situation and although Mouse is well done it's in poor taste. Especially how Ranma digs back in with gusto at the end.

It may not be cannibalism but it is still a friend and skilled martial artist on that platter.

Also Ranmas use of language even with how much it got polished in the story hasn't really shown Poultry being in the vernacular. While the wild bird Vs domestic is an interesting educational note there are Domesticated ducks (Mouse's cursed form IS one.) it does nothing for the Omake.

[Sunshine Temple]

wouldn't 'entrust' be better?

Not really.

As for the omake, I'd like your opinion about the writing style. I need some incentive and reassurance before I post the next chapter of 'Saint Cassiopeia'

[/quote]

It was a bit too silly. Very light and jokey in tone.

I'm once again amazed at how many suggested corrections just seem wrong to me.

Dozens of great catches but I'm beginning to wish it were easier for me to skip part of a post.

Pardon? What's wrong?
Many of them were typos and missing words that helped the sentences be coherent

The Omake is obvious for the situation and although Mouse is well done it's in poor taste. Especially how Ranma digs back in with gusto at the end.

Also the dialog feels wrong and twisted. Too brief and not too real sounding.

Also Ranmas use of language even with how much it got polished in the story hasn't really shown Poultry being in the vernacular. While the wild bird Vs domestic is an interesting educational note there are Domesticated ducks (Mouse's cursed form IS one.) it does nothing for the Omake.

Yes, and the thing with the chef dragged down the bit by delaying the end.

[Dumbledork]

Thx for the input. Guess I really have no talent for writing. Oh well, I'll simply continue reading fics.

[Spokavriel]

Now I feel like a heel. The Omake is good for writing it just needs work on the characters reactions and feelings. I mean if you ended up aghast about what you realized happened would you go back to eating someone you knew by name?

I'd make a list of the parts I didn't agree with in the corrections but I think I've been too harsh already.

[Dumbledork]

Well, I wanted it to be evil. I thought an omake should be as far away as possible from the characters' usual reactions.