Family Unknown--Prologue

[Anime_Freak317]

Thank you to every one who has helped me edit this story. Family Unknown has just been posted at Fanfiction.net.

[Dumbledork]

I like it so far. Good job.

[Tovath]

Good chapter but this part

She only knew that she had to be at certain places in order to save him from some of what his 'father' does to him. She also wished that she could do more, but that would damage the chances of Crystal Tokyo ever coming into play.

bothers me. It feels like something I have read so many times that I am bored with it.

I am glad you are back. I was wondering what had happened to you.

[Anime_Freak317]

Deleted due to violation of rule 1-F.

[Suikie]

The reference to gaia is a dead give away for your future intentions for Ranma. In reference to the planet names gaia would be incorrect. The planets are named after roman gods and goddesses, gaia is greek. While some won't have any problem whatsoever with the naming convention, others will. I myself would be willing to overlook it but I still get that nagging since of wrongness in the back of my head. Terra would be the more correct. While Terra is unoriginal... it does fit better as it is the correct mythology.

Now what are your intentions with the Serenity fairy thing? If Serenity is alive in some form you should incorporate that into the story further. Or you could chalk it up to a final act or such. Including that segment and doing nothing with it would be pointless, in which case possibly rewrite without the Serenity fairy. BUT! No need to listen to my inept ramblings, not like I'm a good fic writer myself... I can barely string two thoughts together in a coherent sentence! Hope to see you continue this!

[RanmaRS]

Dr. Mizuno that Nodoka would also adopt the now known son of the deceased, she recalled how quickly that woman denied any resemblance of the comatose child. It was as if she took one look at the kid and froze. She couldn't understand why someone would do such a thing.

Something missing in this paragraph...
Overall, i like the idea. Are you planning to forward to the future anytime soon or give more detail about their life growing up? ^^

[Anime_Freak317]

I'm thinking of doing the second chapter as various scenes from their childhood. How a subconsious link binds/curses them.

As for the fairy Serenity, if you remember in the Sailor Moon series she appeared as a fairy in the first season, and in her full form in the 'R' series (Tree of Doom Saga). At this point, I don't know what or if I'm going to do anything more with her. Chances are good though, but don't hold your breath.

[Suikie]

In the series? Was it in the anime? I don't remember it XD. If it was in the manga I haven't read it because I refuse to read english trash. Scanlations plz XD. Seriously, I can't stand the english names they just piss me off. DARIEN ZOMG! SERENA / BUNNY! WTF RAYE? piss off its Mamoru, Usagi, Rei... THERE IS NO LITA ITS MAKOTO STUPID AMERICAN RETARDS! ok enough ranting... it really boils my blood when they change stuff. The stuff is famous for what it is so don't change it!

[Anime_Freak317]

In the series? Was it in the anime? I don't remember it XD. If it was in the manga I haven't read it because I refuse to read english trash. Scanlations plz XD. Seriously, I can't stand the english names they just piss me off. DARIEN ZOMG! SERENA / BUNNY! WTF RAYE? piss off its Mamoru, Usagi, Rei... THERE IS NO LITA ITS MAKOTO STUPID AMERICAN RETARDS! ok enough ranting... it really boils my blood when they change stuff. The stuff is famous for what it is so don't change it!

I think you got the wrong posting. check again.

[Suikie]

Was regarding the Fairy Serenity. I don't remember it in the anime. Then I went on a rant XD.

[Anime_Freak317]

Was regarding the Fairy Serenity. I don't remember it in the anime. Then I went on a rant XD.

Yeah, ok. Anyhow, it was during the fight with Malocite(sp?) just before he was killed. All the Inners were transported to another dimension where they encounter Queen Serenity in her fairy form showing the Scouts flashbacks to the final moments of the Silver Milennium (sp?).

[CJN]

Well, you have to consider the title and who is the main character of the story.
"Family Unknown" works well with Mamoru, but it's not so good if Ranma is the main character.

[Suikie]

Just because a story beging introducing a single character's background does not make that characters the main character. A good example of this would be FF6.

[lwf58]

Rule of thumb: Never stick author's notes into the middle of a story, unless it's a parody or other work of comedy where breaking the fourth wall is deliberate.

It breaks the flow of the text and brings the reader's eyes to a jarring halt. For many readers, seeing that sort of thing will be cause for giving up and moving on to someone else's story.

Second, never use parentheses in a work of fiction. Again, it's a form of breaking the fourth wall, and they serve no purpose in fiction that cannot be done by other types of punctuation.

Lastly, in the prologue, mentioning that Japanese drive on the opposite side of the road than most of the rest of the world serves no useful purpose, and is better removed. When writing a story, reread what you wrote with an eye toward trimming off anything that does not advance the story along your plot. Extraneous information should be cut, as well as descriptions that are needlessly detailed. Your readers will fill in a lot of the missing details with their own imaginations, so you only need to write enough to give them the broad picture and any details that are critical to advancing the story. In the case of the drunken driver, all you need to say is that a drunken driver is on a collision course with Mamoru. Anything else is dross.

[Ellen Kuhfeld]

This is a very troubled story. It starts off with three honking great cliches, and I don't know if it's possible to recover from that.

Cliche one: grade-school child does something unusual. Even his/her closest friends ostracize shim. And the parents. And probably their dog, if they have one.

Cliche two: Pluto preparing Ranma - even before birth - for a significant role in the Senshiverse.

Cliche three: Pluto can see very little of Ranma's life in the Time Gates. And she blames Future Pluto.

Your readers will have seen each of those cliches quite a few times. Unless each of them crashes and burns, spectacularly, the story won't be one of the great ones.

The third is the easiest: Pluto can't see Ranma's life because of the chaos. So while she's busy blaming Future Pluto, Future Pluto is trying, in great frustration, to get back to warn Present Pluto. But she can't - because of the chaos. The Time Gates dump her in the wrong place every time.

Now the first cliche, we normally see that one playing out with Hotaru. You might be able to get a bit of compare-and-contrast. Jump-start Mamoru's memories when he sees this happening, for instance, and make the ostracism run differently this time around. For one, if Mamoru remembers - I can see him coming down on the Outers like a ton of bricks when they start making let's-kill-her noises.

And the second cliche? Okay, Mama Serenity and Pluto are poking their oars into Ranma's life. But are they the only ones? Chaos might be in there too, and a horse-kami, and a cat-demon. Maybe even Happosai, if you want to use a powerful Magic Happosai. (He steals life force. If he's glomped enough Magic Girls, that should make him at least an honorary magic-user.) That's a minor cliche in itself, but not used nearly as frequently and usually apparent from the beginning. As long as we see the Senshiverse Powers-that-be tripping over the Ranmaverse Powers-that-be, it's worthwhile to use it.