Liquid Fire Chapter 1

[ranger5]

Much cleaner, more readable and overall much improved. The flashback segments are working (at least for me) in that "some" background is being revealed yet we aren't "stuck" with Ranma/Rei as a little kid.

Nice interactions between Ranma & grandpa. I thought the touch with the dye was good on two levels --- gives "Rei" her black hair -- and show's Ranma still grieves over what happened as she lessens the reminder by changing unique color.

Can't wait til she heals enough (once the "true" SM arc starts) to let it go back to red -- if that happens. I can just see the comments about how "NOW your temper makes sense". (g)

[Andy2kk]

I might of missed it, but if Ranma's still got her/his memories why didn't he just go back to Nerima? Try and find the Old Ghoul who might know what happened with the curse?

^^ranger5, don't know if you mentioned it anywhere, but any chance of seeing more of your fic? :p:D

[Shad4c]

Andy
In answer
A) I didn't think of it
B) I have plans for Ku lon

You have given me a new idea to do later on in the fic though that adresses this thanks.

Ranger5 glad you like it

[Spokavriel]

His body as unmarred as his heritage as his Phoenix regeneration repaired the damage done to him.

There's a bit of an as explosion here. My suggestion to clear it up is "His body was unmarred because of ([or] due to) his Phoenix Heratige granting him regeneration repairing all the damage inflicted on him."

Quick question. Isn't Jusenkyo the cursed springs with Jusendo being the mountain source of the water? Is there a proper title for Phoenix Mountain? I mean he wouldn't consider himself lord lf that lowly fettid land below. He is the Phoenix King of Phoenix Mountain. High above Jusendo.

The weapons aren't exactly twins. Their designs are different and uses are oposit. Saying it's the mirror or the other half of the pair is more accurate.

As he feel to his knees his spirit found the power he sought and grasped it desperately,

I think that should be fell not feel.

The dome of fire was enhanced as the fallen Firebird ignited with flames of rebirth as Saffron reverted to his egg form.

I think replacing that last as with and might let it read a little smoother.

The paragraph that comes from though has allot of reduncancy. The second sentence says the same thing about transformation and only adding they cushioned the fall. So why repeat the transformation?

I know mentioning fire is unavoidable but on this second time through it's burning me out on the story having it mentioned in nearly every sentence arround this point.

Appearing in Japan moments after leaving the cursed battlefield that had become Jusenkyo

Saying it had become Jusenkyo makes it sound like the battle that just happened created the place. Changing it to that was left of Jusenkyo says they trashed the place.

the woman’s outfit seemed of fade into something else as she carries the redhead on the last part of her ending and the opening of a new, or very old, story.

You have too many timing refferences in this. It's really confusing. first you have as with carries in present tence then last and ending with opening and new paired with old all in one sentence. I could take another 3 hours to clear my head of the confusion this caused and make a suggestion but I've taken too long to make this post already.

she repeated her final though in the other girl’s direction.

final thought. I left out the aditional timing comments which wouldn't be bad at all without the already mentioned mess.

When she had woken up after passing out from using her improvise final attack

improvised

Thank you for adding more in between it was just too much to miss before. It's still allot but it's more tolerable.

Scowling at letting her thought wander Ranma leaned towards the red eyed woman.

I'm guessing the at should be and and you forgot an s on thoughts.

“Well I’ll leave you both too get to know each other then, excuse me.” The woman said with a fake smile before turning around and walking back the way she had come only minutes earlier.

The exchange between the woman and the Priest is so brief I don't think it would take plural minutes. Would moments work?

You mention possible efforts of Rei/Ranma's adoptive mother. I know it is assumed on his part but the gap leaves me wondering how much that family got to know about the depression. It was only 9 months together and I don't even know how much togetherness was involved.

You are skipping almost everywhere that you could use to show character growth. Do you really have to get to the Senshi events so quickly? I mean how did this temper shown at the 1 year point come into being? Sure Grampa Hino is a pervert but he wouldn't act out with such a young girl as a target so what happened in the last 2 years putting some Akane-ness into the mix and turning Ranma into Rei? I mean when you think of it wasn't Canon Ranma more the have fun getting even instead of angry type?

How did Grampa Hino help her during that time? Was it just by being there or something involved?

About other things that might have been tired. I could see allot of hastles with families heck even with the disguised Setsuna from earlier over keeping Ranma from taking off to try to hunt down aging mushrooms or any number of other cures and not just for age but also for the current curse lock.

Do you really have to let the lock expire later on? I mean that could get messy.

[Shad4c]

Your wise words are welcome my powerpuffy friend.

Your sugestions will be edited in where I think it works. Hopefully it will reduce that headache this story is giving you a bit though I can't promise complete relief.

I think the mountains 'real' name transpates as Fist Perfection Mountain though the Romiji escapes me. I'll consider the other points.


As to the fire, well that was unavoidable with that scene really and you can be assured that it's the only time that it will be like that.


To answer your last bit. Yes it is. This main story is about the senshi and the events which go from there. 99.9% of stories like this skip this bit entirely and I can see why now. That's simply not what the stories about.

The lock expiring, again yes but it wont be as messy as you might think since I've already put some groundwork for that particular cleanup in.

Finally I agree that you have a couple of points, there are 2 stories to be told that I can't really do in the main story. I do agree.

I'm not someone for empty words. I promised Dumbledork a new chapter of RR and it's being written as I write this (well not quite but you get my point).

So since your so interested I'll state that I will write 2 short/side stories about those sections of time. 1 of the Pluto years ( ) and one for the Granpa years ( :p ). I don't garrentee length or quality but I do garrentee that they will be written and that some of your concerns over skiped events will be covered via reference in the main story itself.

[Spokavriel]

Thank you. and really only that one block where I mention it took my confusion into headache territory.

[Shad4c]

Chosen edits done.