REN Side Story - No Alucard

[LawOhki]

Ranma was horrified at what had just happened to Nabiki, not even the middle Tendo had done anything worthy of that kind of treatment. Thankfully her Master hadn’t made her a ghoul or simply made a meal out of her. When the other Ranma took Nabiki into the bathroom and curled up with her in the bathtub as the change from human to vampire ran it’s full course, she snarled to herself, not being able to hate the girl for being what he had made her.

Preparing herself to spend the day in darkness, she was surprised when another red headed form appeared outside of her prison. Like her, she was naked and without anything to bind it her hair was untied. Leaping against the wall, she startled the doppleganger, before being bounced back by the wall. Snarling, she paced in her prison like the caged animal that she was.

“You.” Ranma said hatefully.

“Who are you?” The double asked cluelessly.

“I’m Ranma you idiot! The owner of that body you’re walking around in!” She found one of the walls and punched it out of frustration.

“But I’m Ranma.” The other protested.

“The hell you are! You’re just some-- thing that he made to replace me.”

“If Master had to do that then you were definitely being bad.”

“Master is bad, don’t you get that?”

“Master is not bad!” The double screamed.

“You’re just as bad as he is.” Ranma wanted to rage, she wanted to destroy the crazy girl in front of her, but all she could think of was Nabiki begging for help while the girl did nothing. “You let him hurt Nabiki like he did me. Like he did us.” She added trying to see if she could get to this crazy girl. “If you were me you’d care.”

“She’ll be happier as a vampire.” The other Ranma said without conviction, seeming to agree with her to an extent.

“Maybe she will, but she deserved to have a choice, and not having to live worrying that your precious Master will twist her into something like you and lock the real Nabiki up like I am.”

“You wanted to know how to kill Master, you were bad.” The copy changed the topic.

“Master took away everything from me and he wants to do the same to everyone that I know. How could I not want to fight back?” Placing both hands against the wall, she dug her fingers in as much as she could.

“You-- you were bad.” The red head on the other side of the wall came closer.

“Was I bad enough that I deserve to be locked up here, forced to watch everything you do?” Ranma’s question caused the desired reaction, making the girl question herself.

“If you wanted to kill Master then yes.”

“I don’t know why I’m even trying to get through to you, he made you into a willing and stupid slave.” Turning her back, she leaned against the wall, and slid down to a sitting position.

“If I’m so stupid then why are you in here while I’m free?” The double asked, trying to poke Ranma through the prison. An electric shock shot through Ranma and for a brief instant she was in the bathtub looking at Nabiki who was facing her. A moment later she was back in the prison, the fake Ranma laying outside like she had just been run over by the Akane train.

‘If I get rid of her, then I go free.’ A wicked smile spread over Ranma’s face. Of course now she had to figure out a way to do that.

[frice2000]

Ok good there was some mind mojo going on to get Nabiki that willing. Sure I bet she would've been quite curious and that gave them a large in but I do think she wouldn't jump into a 'life' changing situation without being slightly more careful. Even with the tamest of readings of her character she has to be pretty willy and somewhat cautious to not draw the ire of an individual with her schemes that wouldn't care about long range consequences of hurting her (Akane and later Ranma) and I'm sure one or two of her marks would've lost her temper in the past. So this works nicely for reconciling the differences between the two.

The Ranma/brainwashed Ranma interaction was great as well. I'm quite excited to see how Nabiki reacts though and how quickly their master will rewrite her personality. Very nice work.

[LawOhki]

This goes inbetween Nabiki being bitten and Ranma vs. Ranma.

----------------

Shampoo sighed as she began to pack up the eating utensils. She would get through losing Ranma on her own time, but right now she had to help pack. A task that would have been easier if The Tendo patriarch and the violent kitchen destroyer Akane weren’t demanding that Cologne help return Nabiki.

“What are you going to do to get my daughter back?” Soun demanded.

“Nothing.” Cologne answered, ignoring him as she was doing her own to help leave before night fall.

“What do you mean nothing? You wanted us to come here because you said you had some way to fight vampires. Why are you just stopping now?” Akane asked.

“Because you stupid little girl.” Cologne barked. “My entire plan was to capture Ranma which left only one vampire to deal with. I doubt we’ll have any kind of chance to get Ranma again, and your daughter is likely already well on her way to being a vampire. That means three vampires to deal with. The only choice I have is to cut my losses and save Shampoo from the same fate.”

“You selfish old hag.” Soun responded to Cologne.

“I’m sorry, but if you can come up with a way to find where they went, and Nabiki hasn’t been turned yet, then how do you expect me to magically solve this?”

“I-- don’t know.” The emotional man answered.

“Cologne-san, isn’t there anything you can do?” Kasumi asked politely.

Shampoo could see her great grandmother thinking this over and wanted to speak up and tell her to say no. They had no requirement to assist the Tendos. The family had always been obstacles and obstacles were for killing, not helping.

“Where did you say you originally see Ranma?” The elderly woman asked Akane.

“Great grandmother!” Shampoo finally spoke up, switching to Chinese. “Why would you want to help them?”

“Because.” Cologne remained speaking Japanese. “Ranma asked and we should honor his last request.” The old woman closed her eyes. “But only one more night. Nabiki will need to feed and won’t have a vampires full abilities until then. After tonight, I won’t risk any further action.”

[BonusPoints]

Oh Cologne, you old softy. Your big heart and respect for competent warriors will get you gruesomely murdered one of these days.

“Nothing.” Cologne answered, ignoring him as she was doing her own to help leave before night fall.

Doing her own what to help?

“I’m sorry, but if you can come up with a way to find where they went, and Nabiki hasn’t been turned yet, then how do you expect me to magically solve this?”

I'm really not sure what's being said here. Decidedly unsure.

Shampoo could see her great grandmother thinking this over and wanted to speak up and tell her to say no. They had no requirement to assist the Tendos. The family had always been obstacles and obstacles were for killing, not helping.

Is requirement precisely the word you wanted to use here? It's a place I normally would have expected to see the words 'obligation', or 'duty'.

“Where did you say you originally see Ranma?” The elderly woman asked Akane.

Probable tense error.

“Because.” Cologne remained speaking Japanese. “Ranma asked and we should honor his last request.” The old woman closed her eyes. “But only one more night. Nabiki will need to feed and won’t have a vampires full abilities until then. After tonight, I won’t risk any further action.”

Used plural instead of possessive.

[LawOhki]

“Are you up yet Nabiki?”

Nabiki scrunched her eyes shut tighter, refusing to respond to Ranma, who knew for a fact that she was awake, and had been for the past half hour. When she had first woken, memories had come back to her of how Ranma had manipulated her. Played to her greed and lead her back to this place to be forcibly turned into a vampire. That part was impossible to remember, but every part of her told her that she had said no.

“Hungry?” The irritating voice of Ranma asked. Nabiki kept herself from answering, hoping, wishing that this was nothing more than a bad dream that she would wake up from. She could ignore the strange feelings she currently felt for the red head, and the unnamed Master that she couldn’t help but think of fondly for the moment.

But she could not ignore the painful gnawing of her stomach that drew more and more attention the more times Ranma mentioned food. The fangs her tongue kept running over practically tingled at the thought of blood, a thought that her mind couldn’t help but come back to.

“Hmm.” Ranma seemed to be thinking of something before Nabiki felt the other body leave her side. “If you don’t get up, I’m going to turn the water on.” The evil red head turned the handle just long enough to splash her bare feet with water.

“Fine you little bitch.” Nabiki spat, climbing out of the bathtub. During the day, it seemed like she had been redressed in a set of flannel pajamas. Ranma had a hurt look on her face, taken back by the venom in her voice.

“What’s wrong? Are you still changing? I figured it would be done by now. Well you do have to go through this kind of vampire puberty for the next couple weeks where your senses are kind of out of control but that’s nothing to be worried about.”

“What’s wrong? What’s wrong!” Nabiki’s voice rose to hysterical levels.

“You don’t have to shout.” Ranma tried to pacify her.

“I’ll shout if I want! After what you did to me, you think you can be all nice, and things will just blow over?”

Ranma shrinked back further during Nabiki’s outburst, actually looking ashamed of herself. “I’m-- I’m sorry if you feel that way.”

“No you’re not, don’t sit there and lie to me whoever you are. The guy did do something to your head because you are clearly not Ranma.” Crossing her arms, she glared at the smaller girl.

“So what if I’m not?” The girl started to sniffle. “Ranma was bad and Master had to punish her. I’m Ranma now and she’ll just have to deal with it.”

‘She’ll.’ Nabiki blinked several times, confused over that phrasing.

“I’m happy as a vampire, you’ll be too.” Ranma shifted back into a happy mood. “But we need food!” She announced, running up to grab Nabiki around the waist and pull her out the doorway to a bedroom. Nabiki noticed that the vampire who had violated her was not here.

“Let me go.” She finally pushed the demented Ranma away.

“This is where Master lets me keep all my clothes.” Ranma slid open a closet exposing a great deal of clothing. Underneath were small drawers that likely held the rest. “You can borrow anything you like. Sisters do that right? I know you’ve borrowed from Akane all the time.” Shrugging away the detail, Ranma started to sort through the clothing without waiting for a response.

‘Oh Ranma, what did that guy do to you?’ She glanced down at the pale skin of her arms. ‘What did he do to me?’ Other than the hunger she felt, she didn't immediately notice a great difference in her self, and had no way to know what to expect from this.

“Ooh this is perfect!” Ranma happily skipped over to the bed and laid out a green and red dress that were nearly identical otherwise. “We can match!”

‘I’m in hell.’


-----------

If that seems similar it's because psycho Ranma is trying to copy her beloved master.

[LawOhki]

Staying off to the side and making herself as unnoticeable as possible, Cologne, watched the crowd for the two vampires that could still be in the area. This was the shopping district that Akane had seen Ranma originally. Shampoo was positioned within sight also searching for the pair. With the amulet on her, she would be safe from any attack a vampire may attempt save throwing something at her.

It was getting late and the crowds of shoppers were starting to thin out. Cologne was already ready to call it a night. From her research into the deaths that the original vampire had caused, he moved all over Tokyo, taking young girls in random places. There was little reason to believe that Ranma and Nabiki would show up here.

Luck seemed to be on their side though as she caught sight of bright red hair and a familiar body wearing a rather tight and revealing green dress. Ranma was walking with her arms wrapped around Nabiki possessively, the middle Tendo wearing a matching red dress. Both had a more normal skin tone and a light blush graced Ranma’s face while Nabiki looked like she was going to combust.

Neither had caught sight of her and Shampoo so the world was truly smiling on them tonight.

X x x x x x

Nabiki had known intellectually that this would happen. Ranma had made it rather clear how she got excited after drinking blood. Of course now she knew that the Ranma who had said that was not the real Ranma, who never would have admitted to pleasuring herself in front of Nodoka. That didn’t make it any less true. Actually it wasn’t really that overpowering and if Ranma would just stop touching her, she would have just ignored it until it went away.

The act of taking blood itself had been easy. Someone like her, who was predisposed to a lack empathy, had been able to accept the powerful urge without trouble. In a way it had been a very intimate moment, where only she and her meal had existed. Right before the brainwashed Ranma had started to kiss and molest her, clearly intent on doing a different brand of intimate activity right there in the alley next to two dead bodies. Thankfully she had been able to dissuade the amorous red head for now, but she did not seem willing to give it up completely.

Ignoring the way Ranma’s fingers were gently rubbing up against side, she focused on how powerful she felt. Walking past a bike rack, she used two fingers to pinch the metal, easily deforming the steel in an act that would have been impossible before. ‘At least I got something out of this.’ Nabiki closed her eyes and moved a bit closer to Ranma when the crazy girl’s hand strayed up to the side of her breast, the tips of her fingers like a feather tickling her flesh.

“Stop that.” She batted Ranma’s hand away.

Keeping her focus was difficult, all of her senses seemed strained to the max. The thundering of human heart beats around her, the ability to feel the individual fibers of her clothing, to see into ever dark crevice like she had a flashlight, and the myriad of smells. Add to that Ranma’s continued violation of her personal space and she was very tempted to let Ranma do what she so clearly wanted to do. Being an open minded liberal sort of girl, it may be interesting to experiment now that she was a creature of darkness. What did she have to lose?

The doorman paid particularly close attention as they passed. Nabiki wanted to speak up, try and tell the man who had happened, even get him to call some authority. But how could she explain what had happened in a few sentences without sounding like a lunatic? ‘Help! I’ve been turned into a vampire, and I need help getting away from my former brother in law, who’s now a brain washed vampire girl who’s is planning to have her way with me!’

Nabiki was trapped and the only people who might help would also just as likely kill her.

[LawOhki]

One application of memory erasing techniques, and Shampoo had found out what floor the two vampires had went to and which apartment they lived in. Once up on the top floor, she helped Cologne fix a packet of exploding garlic powder mixed with silver flakes to the wall above the door. Each of them had more that they would place in the other doorways of the hall that would fill the entire hall with the material. They would all be triggered at the same time, so it would be impossible for him to dodge.

Shampoo didn’t like this plan at all and didn’t trust the amulet Cologne had given her to keep her safe from the vampire. Supposedly she would be the bait and while the powder did its work to distract the vampire, if he tried to use her as a shield or to attack her, the amulet would repel him violently.

“Remember, when you see him, do not look into his eyes or think of the explosives.” Cologne instructed.

“Yes.” She nodded.

Once the vampire was confused by the garlic and silver, there were two options. The first was that they use some silver plated chain to take him out of the fight. That way they could attempt to free Ranma and Nabiki by giving them his blood. Then they would kill him. The other was a backup plan and that was to simply kill him if the first failed. Right now they had no idea what that would do to the other two vampires, but whatever it was, it was better than letting him get away.

X x x x x x

Ranma had it; she had a finger hold in the corner of her prison. Digging and clawing at the seam, her feet peddled over the floor as she pushed her fingers deeper in the wall. Grunting in exertion, she ignored the muted pleasurable sensations that her body was feeling as her jailer and Nabiki did things that made her blush. Suddenly her fingers punctured the prison, tearing small holes in it. Ranma would have gone further but she dropped to the floor as she suddenly felt everything from the outside world at once.

At the same time that happened, outside the other Ranma cried out in pain, and tumbled off the bed to lay awkwardly with her body half on the master vampire’s coffin. Free from outside distractions, Ranma started to tear at the wall; small chips broke away from the invisible prison at first, but quickly larger pieces came free. Getting one hole bigger than the others, she pulled and pushed at it, desperate for her freedom.

“Stop it!” The fake Ranma appeared in front of her.

“Yea right!” Ranma yelled back.

“You might kill me!”

“All the better.” Finally she had a hole big enough to pass through, and she dove out. Rolling, she jumped at the only other form, attempting to grab hold of her. The other Ranma avoided her grab, moving with the same speed Ranma possessed. “Hold still.” She growled.

“I’ll protect myself.” The fake Ranma assumed a stance.

“I’m going to love kicking your ass.”

[LawOhki]

“Well this is great.” Nabiki looked sat on the edge of the bed, having placed Ranma’s comatose form up on it in a haphazard fashion. She had quickly cleaned herself off after getting over having her bed partner suddenly drop into a coma, putting on the same pajama’s Ranma had put her in during the day. Ranma was covered by a towel and Nabiki had done a little bit to clean her off.

She was worried about the crazy girl. Nabiki hated Ranma for doing this to her but it would be infinitely worse if something had happened to her former brother in law. “You got me into this, you can’t turn into a vegetable on the first night after you got into my panties.” She could only imagine Akane’s reaction if she found out that Ranma, or someone running Ranma’s body, had done that with Nabiki.

Resting her hand on Ranma’s wrist, she wondered what the real Ranma had gone through before being altered into this. Living here all alone with that vampire, adjusting to this without anyone for support. Nabiki couldn’t see how anyone capable of rewriting someone’s personality could be supportive.

She jumped in shock when Ranma sat up straight in the bed, her eyes looking around wildly before settling on Nabiki. “I-- I’m free.” Ranma whispered, a look of pure joy washing over the red head’s face.

“You’re what?” Nabiki asked, worried about what the unstable vampire would do.

“Nabiki.” Ranma switched emotions to one of utter devastation. “I’m so sorry!” She wailed, gathering Nabiki up in a hug. “I couldn’t do anything.” She cried into Nabiki’s shirt.

“Is it really you?” Nabiki sat without doing anything as Ranma started to squeeze her tightly.

“Yes, I killed that copy.” Ranma pulled away, smiling sadly. “If it wasn’t for those chains Cologne put on me I don’t think I would have ever gotten free.”

“Free from what?”

“I should tell you later, we have to get out of here.” Ranma looked around nervously. “No that won’t work, he’ll be able to find us.” The smaller girl slumped into herself. “I can’t go back, I can’t let him do that to me again.” She started to hyper ventilate. “You gotta kill me Nabiki.”

“What do you mean kill you?” Nabiki wasn’t about to let Ranma get out of this and leave her.

“Please-- I can’t do it myself.” Ranma begged, kneeling on the bed in front of her with her hands clasped in front of her chest. “Don’t let him do that to me again.”

“You want me to deal with this alone?” Nabiki frowned at Ranma.

“I-- no.” Ranma bowed her head. “He locked me away in a box, it was dark during the day, and I saw everything she did at night.”

“Then we have to stop him before he realizes what’s happened.” Nabiki tried to imagine what Ranma had been going through and couldn’t.

“He can read our minds, as soon as we try it, he’ll be able to stop us.” Ranma explained.

“What about if he’s distracted?”

“It’d be the best chance.”

They had no chance to discuss a plan before the lock to the apartment door caught Nabiki’s ears. Ranma’s eyes immediately widened in horror and she looked around fearfully. ‘Damn it Ranma, calm down you idiot or else he’s going to realize what’s going on.’ She wanted to tell the other vampire but the one causing Ranma’s distress would hear.

“Come out girls, we have guests.” Her Master’s voice called out as the door closed.

“Just a second.” Nabiki called out. Cupping her hands around Ranma’s left ear she tried to whisper in the lowest voice she could. “Play the part.” Ranma nodded, closing her eyes, and seeming to realize what she needed to do already.

Out in the main room of the apartment she found the master vampire and two humans, Shampoo and Cologne. Shampoo was being held captive by her Master, while Cologne was trying to make him explode with her glare.

“Where is the other?” He asked her.

“Ranma’s getting dressed.” She answered, wondering how exactly she should be acting.

“A birthday gift.” He forcibly pulled a round pendant hanging from Shampoo’s neck, and threw it to her. Catching it out of the air without any difficulty, she briefly inspected it, finding it to be a bland gray color on the outside. “They honestly thought that it would protect this one from us.” He explained cruelly, breathing in deeply through his nose next to Shampoo’s neck. “Throw the staff away.”

Cologne looked at her long staff once before throwing it to lay at the vampire’s feet. “How did you know what we were planning?” She demanded.

“I read the doorman’s mind every time I enter, I knew you would be waiting, and I simply took you by surprise.” He explained, sitting down in the plush chair, and forcing Shampoo to sit in his lap.

Nabiki looked between the three with a sense of dread. She could literally feel the fear coming off of Shampoo like waves that broke over her. The situation made her think of what she now knew Ranma had to deal with. Having to watch a situation that she was powerless to stop.

“Don’t worry my dear.” The vampire purred to Shampoo, his right hand wrapped around from the back of her neck to grip her throat. “You’re too beautiful to let die. It’d be much better if you existed as my pretty little servant for eternity, don’t you think.”

“Shampoo say no.” The purple haired girl replied defiantly.

“Hello Master.” Ranma butted in, speaking in a bubbly voice, and skipping from the room in pajamas to stand at the side of the male vampire.

“I was wondering when you would show up.” He laughed to himself. “Isn’t it nice of your friends to come searching for you?”

“Uh-- yes Master.” Ranma nodded absently.

“Go and make sure she doesn’t move.” He told Ranma and then looked to her like the same order applied. They both stood on opposite sides of Cologne and slowly gripped her small arms just to keep her in place.

‘Please, please, please don’t hurt me.’ Nabiki prayed to herself, imagining that the old woman could still cause a great deal of pain to her.

“Once I’ve turned your precious great granddaughter into one of us, I think I’ll keep you around to be her first meal.” Laughing evilly to himself, he didn’t wait before sinking his fangs into Shampoo’s throat.

Nabiki watched as he began to drain Shampoo of blood. ‘This is it, that’s how it happened with me.’ She let go of Cologne’s arm, forgetting that she was supposed to be helping with this horrible act. Nabiki was happy that she didn’t remember it, seeing the pained look on Shampoo’s face. She caught movement out of the corner of her eye; it was Ranma clearing the distance to where the vampire sat draining Shampoo. He released Shampoo’s neck, staring in surprise at Ranma, who grabbed Cologne’s staff, and plunged it through his chest, impaling him to the chair. His eyes were wide, his arms hanging out to the side, and his mouth still coated in blood open in shock.

Shocked herself by the sudden violence, her eyes caught Shampoo trying to stem the blood coming from her neck, and found that she couldn’t look away from the red liquid. Even when Cologne grabbed her and yanked her towards the staked vampire, she couldn’t stop. If she hadn’t already drained someone of blood earlier, there would have been nothing to stop her from attacking Shampoo.

“Snap out of it!” Cologne hit her in the head.

“Wha-- what?” She asked, forcibly dragging her eyes from the blood.

“You need to take blood from him.” Cologne pointed towards the soon to be dead vampire.

“Why?” Nabiki didn’t want to take anything into herself from him.

“You’re a servant vampire, if he dies, you’ll likely die as well. If you take blood you’ll be free. So just do it!” Cologne shoved her towards the man and went to help Shampoo.

“Help-- me.” The master vampire weakly and weakly tried to grab at her.

“Like you helped me?” Nabiki smirked sinisterly and grabbed his arm. Ranma needed no prompting and actually latched on to his neck. She was more discrete and simply bit into his wrist.

[frice2000]

taken back

Pretty sure you meant 'taken aback'.

through this kind of vampire puberty for

That bit of the sentence sounds awkward. Maybe something like 'through a kind of vampric puberty' might sound better. As it stands slightly strange bit there.

“I’m-- I’m sorry if you feel that way.”

Think you could do without the 'if'' I bolded.

The guy did do something to your head

Shouldn't she just be calling him 'Master' as you just had her say that she thought fondly of him a couple seconds ago. Barring that in what I suppose is a bit of resistance something more insulting then 'The guy' seems appropriate.

Sisters do that right? I know you’ve borrowed from Akane all the time.”

You mentioned that Nabiki had some sort of feelings to Ranma and I know from the mainline of the story that its a sisterly feeling. A brief bit of Nabiki realizing that is what she now feels for Ranma might be appropriate there.

“Ooh this is perfect!” Ranma happily skipped over to the bed and laid out a green and red dress that were nearly identical otherwise. “We can match!”
‘I’m in hell.’

Awesome bit. Though I do think Nabiki should say that out loud and you could do with describing her facial expression and tone slightly to make it even better.

had seen Ranma originally.

Need to insert 'in' or 'at' after 'seen'.

positioned within sight

'positioned close by' sounds better.

With the amulet on her

I still don't like that story element. You never gave it a proper intro or explained how it worked. It's simply a amulet that protects against vampires. Sure it's a minor thing but it just seems too convenient. Edit: And in the end it ends up being totally worthless? I think you should just toss the idea its seemingly done nothing but muddy this up a tad.

Cologne was already ready to call it a night

Think you can eliminate the 'already'.

as she caught sight of bright red hair and a familiar body wearing a rather tight and revealing green dress

Probably should throw the fact that they're dressed similarly in the same sentence somehow.

Someone like her, who was predisposed to a lack empathy, had been able to accept the powerful urge

I agree with you on Nabiki here for the most part but killing someone shouldn't be that simple for her. Though I can see how that interpretation of this works. I just really wish that in one of your stories Ranma or whoever would be more resistant to something like that. A resistance against being a monster is a strong motivator in most vampire stories and I really wish you'd put more of that sort of material in then you do. Not that what you write isn't compelling it's just that to me you seem to gleeful of allowing the characters to change.

What did she have to lose?

I was going to say you could enhance this line with adding something like 'her soul?' or something similar but after reconsidering that it's perfect as it is.

call some authority

call the authorities

vampire girl who’s is planning

get rid of the contraction or the second is

Supposedly she would be the bait and while the powder did its work to distract the vampire, if he tried to use her as a shield or to attack her, the amulet would repel him violently.

Gah that sentence needs to be broken up some.

The other was a backup plan and that was to simply kill him if the first failed.

Don't think you need 'if the first failed', it's sort of implied.

“I’ll protect myself.” The fake Ranma assumed a stance.
“I’m going to love kicking your ass.”

Interesting. Very mean place to leave this snippet off. I'm really interested in how this fight scene goes very anxious for the next nice work. Edit: But there was no fight scene however brief. Hmm...thought the clone might've been able to put up a bit of a fight. She was just as fast and more at ease with casually fatal blows and a more brutal nature and she did have his memories.

“I should tell you later, we have to get out of here.”

'I'll tell you later, but first we have to get out of here.' sounds better. 'I should' sounds kind of weird.

I knew you would be waiting, and I simply took you by surprise.

I don't like your interpretation of Cologne's character she'd have thought of that as a possibility or at the least have had a back-up plan or more forces for this.

This has been a great ride. I hope you continue on a bit more to at least describe what's going on with Ranma and Nabiki...Damn depending on how this ends this would be crazy opened ended to describing their new 'lives'. Fantastic side story much better then your Twilight one technically, though that one was quite satisfying in the death of the shiny vamps.

[LawOhki]

You mentioned that Nabiki had some sort of feelings to Ranma and I know from the mainline of the story that its a sisterly feeling. A brief bit of Nabiki realizing that is what she now feels for Ranma might be appropriate there.

As I also said, they're amoral monsters. This is also immediate stuff, which Ceres in the mainline also felt attracted to the male Ranma. So Nabiki and a weirdo Ranma who's personality is designed to be more sexual, would have little qualms about doing something right after snacking.

I still don't like that story element. You never gave it a proper intro or explained how it worked. It's simply a amulet that protects against vampires. Sure it's a minor thing but it just seems too convenient. Edit: And in the end it ends up being totally worthless? I think you should just toss the idea its seemingly done nothing but muddy this up a tad.

It being worthless is to show that Cologne had some good information, some knowledge on actual weaknesses, and other things that don't work.

Probably should throw the fact that they're dressed similarly in the same sentence somehow.

She did when she noticed Nabiki.

I agree with you on Nabiki here for the most part but killing someone shouldn't be that simple for her. Though I can see how that interpretation of this works. I just really wish that in one of your stories Ranma or whoever would be more resistant to something like that. A resistance against being a monster is a strong motivator in most vampire stories and I really wish you'd put more of that sort of material in then you do. Not that what you write isn't compelling it's just that to me you seem to gleeful of allowing the characters to change.

And as Alucard mentioned in the main story, most vampires pretty much instantly go from a human mindset to one that is hungry for noms and doesn't much care that they are killing to get it.

Ranma in the main story and here (didn't have any kind of choice) was resistant to it up to a point. Nabiki doesn't have near the control Ranma does.

Interesting. Very mean place to leave this snippet off. I'm really interested in how this fight scene goes very anxious for the next nice work. Edit: But there was no fight scene however brief. Hmm...thought the clone might've been able to put up a bit of a fight. She was just as fast and more at ease with casually fatal blows and a more brutal nature and she did have his memories.

The clone did put up a fight. I forgot to indicate that Nabiki was sitting there for about 45 minutes while the two fought.

I don't like your interpretation of Cologne's character she'd have thought of that as a possibility or at the least have had a back-up plan or more forces for this.

This is all on short notice and by the seat of her pants. Expecting the vampire to read the mind of the doorman that deeply would have been thinking things too far through. There shouldn't have been any suspicion until he got to the top floor. After all, how could he suspect that someone found his home?

[frice2000]

It being worthless is to show that Cologne had some good information, some knowledge on actual weaknesses, and other things that don't work.

Ok...But if that's the case then you should've given it more weight earlier. It just seems pointless to me right now. Maybe say what it's made of or something like some sort of rare material, or magic supposedly in it for it to work so we'll buy it a bit more...So that when it doesn't we're at least slightly surprised. Right now I just shrugged my shoulders when it didn't work because I had no understanding of what it was even supposed to do in the first place. "Protection" is incredibly vague needed more detail even if it was only an extra line or two.

As I also said, they're amoral monsters. This is also immediate stuff, which Ceres in the mainline also felt attracted to the male Ranma. So Nabiki and a weirdo Ranma who's personality is designed to be more sexual, would have little qualms about doing something right after snacking.

Not what I was referring to. The sexual part of it was fine. I just thought that Nabiki realizing it was a sisterly feeling rather then a vague 'attachment' would frame it better.

And as Alucard mentioned in the main story, most vampires pretty much instantly go from a human mindset to one that is hungry for noms and doesn't much care that they are killing to get it.

Ranma in the main story and here (didn't have any kind of choice) was resistant to it up to a point. Nabiki doesn't have near the control Ranma does.

Yes, that makes sense in this story. I'm talking about lots of your fics in general. Shampoo in Howling at the Moon one second hating being a lycanthrope next second, 'k'. Ceres hated being a vampire for quite awhile and resisted it Ranma gave in right away...He was hesitant about it for such a short period and then he dived right in. Taking the blood right off with only mild wonder I just didn't like. Becoming a Gargoyle and mostly struggling with it for like a chapter or two before going with it? It's a general thing with you. I'm not saying any of those are bad all of those stories are quite good and him/her/whoever accepting the changes work in those stories. I just want you to realize its becoming a habit for you and I'm hoping you consider making a story eventually where the protagonist fights tooth and nail AGAINST becoming what you've had them turned into.

After all, how could he suspect that someone found his home?

Umm...Well Ranma went over there and could have told her before quite easily (which yes he knows she didn't since he has the whole mind link thing), someone could have followed Ranma and Nabiki or even himself, Ranma's friends or family could have seen them feeding and followed them, some sort of tracking method attached to Nabiki or Ranma when captured before they escaped, etc. Very plausible for him to be worried about his home being discovered and taking precautions ,if it is. Cologne not realizing that at all doesn't feel like a very smart leader of a tribe to me.

[LawOhki]

Ok...But if that's the case then you should've given it more weight earlier. It just seems pointless to me right now. Maybe say what it's made of or something like some sort of rare material, or magic supposedly in it for it to work so we'll buy it a bit more...So that when it doesn't we're at least slightly surprised. Right now I just shrugged my shoulders when it didn't work because I had no understanding of what it was even supposed to do in the first place. "Protection" is incredibly vague needed more detail even if it was only an extra line or two.

It failing is the reason why Cologne worked to save Ranma/Nabiki from dying along with the main vampire. She wants to find out information about vampires that isn't going to fail at the last second.

Not what I was referring to. The sexual part of it was fine. I just thought that Nabiki realizing it was a sisterly feeling rather then a vague 'attachment' would frame it better.

She's not thinking about it or likely realizes it.

Yes, that makes sense in this story. I'm talking about lots of your fics in general. Shampoo in Howling at the Moon one second hating being a lycanthrope next second, 'k'. Ceres hated being a vampire for quite awhile and resisted it Ranma gave in right away...He was hesitant about it for such a short period and then he dived right in. Taking the blood right off with only mild wonder I just didn't like. Becoming a Gargoyle and mostly struggling with it for like a chapter or two before going with it? It's a general thing with you. I'm not saying any of those are bad all of those stories are quite good and him/her/whoever accepting the changes work in those stories. I just want you to realize its becoming a habit for you and I'm hoping you consider making a story eventually where the protagonist fights tooth and nail AGAINST becoming what you've had them turned into.

Hmm, I could see how that impression would come about. Although I generally try to make any character who is "accepting" have reasons to do so. Either by what they became influencing them, or in the case of Platinum, it fits Nabiki like a glove.

HATM - It's basically canon that Lycans very quickly embrace what they are. Shampoo is accepting of it up to a point, liking the positives while not thinking of the negatives (such as little control if she changes during the full moon for the next decade or so, without even thinking of control outside of the full moon). If she had a jusenkyo curse she'd be more like Genma who tries to avoid it at all costs. Though she does like playing with Ranma.

BDAN - Ranma originally just wanted control so he could go flying sometimes, there was no intention to spend a lot of time in that form. He's still struggling with it in the story. That's always been a main source of problems for him in that story.

REN - Ranma explained early to Ceres that she was accepting of being turned into a vampire because it gave her strength and abilities she wouldn't have normally. Ranma avoided killing humans unless absolutely necessary. It wasn't till later that taking of human life became more casual, mostly without her noticing. Which I tried to illustrate when Ranma killed those two thugs without even thinking about it.

This side story - Ranma was forced to be accepting and has little options on where to get food from. Nabiki has less control and in her current surroundings was falling into a vampire mindset. Once out and back with normal people, she'll swing back the other way.

Snowfall - Ranma's rather insane.

NNFN - He's actually pissed at Brianna for suggesting that he should be accepting of things.

WYWF - He's fairly accepting in this one. Not so much with Akane. But becoming a god? How much is he really going to complain about that?

Platinum - I think I went into a lot of reasons in story why Nabiki was going to stay a dragon.

[LawOhki]

“Why did you help us?” Ranma asked Cologne while pulling away from the still living vampire. He was clinging to life, even after being stabbed through the heart by a wooden stake, and having nearly all of his blood drained by her and Nabiki. Licking some last drops of blood from her lips, she could feel it, he wasn’t her Master anymore.

A toothy grin spread over her face and she drew back her hand into a knife strike that chopped off his head. It bounced several times before coming to a rest face down. So much more, she wanted him to suffer in a way that made her captivity seem tame. Unfortunately she knew no way to do that so being able to mutilate his corpse would have to suffice.

“Don’t think of it as saving you.” The elderly woman answered, having found a first aid kit in the bath area, and applying a bandage to Shampoo’s neck. “I need information about vampires, information that’s not going to fail when needed.”

“Like this thing?” Nabiki held up the amulet.

“Yes like that.” Cologne finished with Shampoo’s neck. “So what better way to get information that to ask the source. Maybe start with how you’re yourself again.”

“I think those chains you wrapped me in did it. That bastard put me in this box inside my head, when those chains were on me, it became kind of like jello, when-- something was happening earlier, I was able to get out and kill her in my head.”

“No lasting effects?”

Ranma blinked several times, considering Cologne’s question. Everything had happened so far, she felt like she always did right now, but then again the clone seemed to think that as well. “Seems like it.” She finally answered, resolving to be diligent in making sure she didn’t start with for that bastard to be back in her life.

“Shampoo sorry she fail.” The purple haired girl told the elderly woman.

“None of that, it was my fault.” Cologne rolled up her left sleeve to expose a pair of dark circular scars on the top of her forearm. “I’m just sorry that you had to be marked for my mistake.”

“Joketsuzoku wear scars with honor, no?” Shampoo smiled weakly.

“Yes we do.” Cologne patted Shampoo on the shoulder.

“So what are we going to do now?” Nabiki asked her after the two had finished talking, putting as much distance as she could from Shampoo. Ranma was purposely not breathing to avoid being distracted, she would have to tell Nabiki that she didn’t have to breath soon.

“Burn the body.” Cologne had a habitual reaction to reach for her cane before realizing that it was still buried in someone’s chest. “I expect that he’ll go up quickly.”

“Wait on that a minute, I have stuff I don’t want to lose.” Ranma gathered up her laptop and music player and put them in a satchel bag she had bought shortly after the previous two to carry her little computer around. Packing up the clothing she actually liked in a duffel bag, she then dug through the file cabinet buried in the closet, and found documents detailing where the money had been kept as well as others for the fake ID that he used.

“Oh, I should probably get that too.” She shifted the lifeless body of her former master and pulled out the wallet in the back of his pants. Checking the contents there was a credit card, some cash, and a fake picture ID. Throwing it in the duffel bag, she was finished with this place, and even if it wasn’t going to be burned she would never return.

“Why are you taking that?” Nabiki asked her. The middle Tendo was hovering at the door, clearly wanting to leave as soon as possible.

“This worthless bastard.” Ranma kicked the body. “Made me steal money from wealthy old men then he kept it all for himself.” She shivered in disgust at a particularly unpleasant memory. “He’s got it all saved in up an account.”

Ranma was suddenly overwhelmed by the events of the past hour, falling into the couch to sit staring at the former vampire. “Please tell me this is real.” She spoke in a tiny voice. “That I’m not just dreaming and he’s really dead.”

“This is real Ranma.” Nabiki appeared in front of her, gripping her shoulders. “Now snap out of it because I want to get home.”

“Home.” Ranma whispered, imagining what it would be like to see the humans she cared about again, while ignoring everything else.

[frice2000]

to get information that to ask the source

information then

Maybe start with how you’re yourself again.”

Sounds like a question to me. I'd go with a question mark.

That bastard put me in this box inside my head, when those chains were on me, it became kind of like jello, when-- something was happening earlier, I was able to get out and kill her in my head.

Bit of a run-on sentence I think.

had happened so far

had happened so fast

have to breath soon.

I think it's 'breathe' not breath. But I could be wrong.

“This is real Ranma.” Nabiki appeared in front of her

description of the emotion on her voice or expression on Nabiki's face would be nice to know there. Would be interesting how much of a 'sisterly' bond they still share and that could clue us in nicely. Sure the action itself indicates some bond but it could be clearer.

“Home.” Ranma whispered

This does not bode well especially after the bombshells fake brainwashed Ranma dropped right and left. Will be interesting to see how that reintegration however temporary it is goes.

Very nice chapter. Would think Shampoo would be suffering a little more from blood loss, but I guess how you have it framed works too. Nice work.

[LawOhki]

Walking through Nerima towards the Nekohanten where everyone should be, Ranma felt strange being the only one carrying something. Well she was carrying multiple things, the duffel bag filled with the clothing she liked, her computer bag, and Cologne had decided to use her as a pack animal by riding on her head. She actually didn’t mind, in fact she was happy that Cologne was treating her so casually after everything.

She was concerned about Shampoo though. Having been bitten by a vampire, it would have been highly possible for a small amount to have mixed with the vampire’s saliva. If even a tiny amount had been pushed back into the girl’s blood stream, then it would be a slow poison that would kill her, turn her into a ghoul, or even a vampire if it worked through her system fast enough.

“Shampoo, you feeling alright?” Ranma asked, the Joketsuzoku girl looking pale enough to be a vampire, and had none of her usual energy.

“Shampoo fine.” She straightened up. “Thank Ai-- Ranma for concern.” She added with a sad look directed at Ranma.

“Well if you start getting weaker you’re probably not alright.” Ranma cursed her former Master. The only way to find out if Shampoo was infected was to wait and if she was it was already too late.

“Shampoo will need a nice hot meal and some liquids before she can go to bed.” Cologne laughed to herself. “I think this will be the first time food will be delivered to the Nekohanten.”

“Why’s that?” Ranma asked, confused over why they didn’t have food available at a restaurant. The restaurant itself was finally within sight.

“Until I was convinced to try one more night, I was planning on leaving before sundown. So everything is packed up.”

“I wonder how surprised everybody is going to be.” She mused, being the first one to reach the building, and open the front door.

“Wait!” Cologne tried to warn her, but her foot had already passed the threshold. Vaguely Ranma felt Cologne leap away from her with her bags before Ranma was repelled with enough force to throw her halfway through the concrete wall on the far side of the street.

“This seems-- kind of familiar.” She groaned, pulling herself back through the wall.

“I forgot to tell you that there’s a one way barrier there.” Cologne chuckled along with Shampoo and Nabiki. “Good to know that works.”

“Nabiki!” Soun wailed, appearing next to his daughter, and hugging her. “You’re alright!”

“Dad!” Nabiki exclaimed, squirming in her father’s grasp, mortified over being seen in public being hugged by her father. Even though it was late and the street was deserted.

Any kind of happy reunion was halted when Akane saw Ranma standing off to the side. “You!” She pointed an accusing finger at her.

“Akane, wait.” Nabiki tried to free herself from Soun without hurting him.

Ranma didn’t know where akane had found the stone maneki neko statue, but she knew how much it hurt when it was thrown at her, and caved her head in.