[R.5] [Alt] On Her Own 1 (v2 of rewrite)

[khammel]

Second post to fukufics after editing. Hope I have addressed previous concerns expressed last year.
KDH 1-24-2012
======================================
On Her Own
By Kevin D. Hammel

A Story Inspired by Jeff Hosmer's Amazons.

Episode 01: Where am I? In the Village.

Ranma 1/2 is property of Rumiko Takahashi. Publishing rights are held by Viz in The US and Shogakukan in Japan. My purpose is to honor the creator and her works. No infringement intended.
v3-01/24/2013
=======

Dwarfed by the cliffs and fortress towering above her, a petite injured girl picked her way through talus at the base of the escarpment. Her beautiful pink silk dress had been torn and frayed by the rocks. Crude jute sandals graced her filthy, dainty feet. The girl's unbound red hair fell to her mid-back; her mane matted with blood, mostly dried.

Though lost, she knew escape from the citadel was mandatory or a fate far crueler awaited. Hearing a faint noise, the girl dove into a crack between two of the boulders, trying to hold absolutely still. She heard footsteps and men shouting at each other in an incomprehensible language.

The minutes ticked agonizingly by, each moment filled with fear the patrol would hear her pounding heart and haul their prize back inside. Finally certain the men had returned to the fortress, the terrified girl crawled out from between the rocks. Only five more meters, and she was on the valley floor. She made her way silently through the shadows away from the area.

As she gained distance distance from the fortress, the valley opened up to reveal several pools on the side of the road. Behind her, she heard shouts in the same language she had heard at the fortress.

They must have seen her!

She ran with almost inhuman speed, clouds of dust clearly marking the passage she had taken great pain to hide before. Her head began to pound from her racing heart. Vision grew darker as she made it across the pools' clearing.

Male shouts behind her were being answered by a feminine chorus on this side of the springs. The light from a watch fire lit her pathway to freedom. Encouraged, she somehow ran even faster. Fire from her exertions began to burn its way up her legs, but she ran on. The fire began to burn her lungs... the bonfire was getting closer, but she would not reach it. She saw a purple flash, and felt her small, spent body cradled in larger, stronger arms. A single, bitter sob of defeat tore itself from her chest as her last conscious thoughts flickered out.

=======

A procession of images flew through the unconscious girl's mind. As unconscious hours continued, fragments coalesced into more solid memories. A woman's face, HIS mother's. Travel with... her… HIS father. Endless Martial Arts training. Ukchan. Cats. Ryouga. Finally, the valley of springs... Waking up in the castle. Being one of a group of bound girls splashed by water using a ladle and a strange bucket. Climbing up meters of wall to a tiny window. Making her way down. Flight from that horrible place to the fire…

=======

The girl groaned and regained consciousness. She blinked then shut her eyes, as both her arms pushed against the bed to help prop her up. With eyes finally opening to slits, she asked, "Why are the lights so bright in here?"

She heard excited conversation in the language of the... Musk, and bolted fully upright, to waves of nausea and pain. "No, No! I escaped from you!" She sank despairing back on the bed, consciousness itself her enemy again. And the dreams of before faded to a healing blackness.

The girl felt cool moisture on her head. Opening her eyes, she saw a tiny elderly woman smiling at her.

"Good morning! You are clever and resourceful to have escaped from the Musk. Who might you be?" The woman asked in a cheerful voice colored with age.

The girl smiled, glad to hear Japanese again, "My name is... Saotome Ranma. My memories ain't great right now, but they're gettin' better."

"That would be expected after suffering the head injuries you did in getting here." Offering the girl a brightly colored ceramic cup, she continued, "Drink this, you need to rest."

The liquid filled her with warmth, and Ranma sank back onto the bed as she truly relaxed for the first time in unnumbered days. In a few minutes, she drifted back to a much sounder sleep. Unencumbered by dreams and nightmares.

Ranma was awake again, the needs of her stomach demanding notice as surely as an alarm clock. Nausea had been replaced by pangs of hunger. Her guards summoned the old lady in the Musk language again. Strange... She didn't remember seeing any women in the castle, other than her fellow captives. And the simple bed she lay in was far more luxurious than the straw on the citadel's floor.

Again smiling at the girl, the old woman greeted her injured guest, "Well, do you feel better? You slept for another day. I imagine you are hungry."

"Yeah, I'd like to eat." The pounding headache and nausea were finally gone. Ranma was glad someone had replaced her shredded dress with a plush bathrobe and some sort of silk pajamas.

The lady issued a command in the Musk... no... Mandarin language, and one of Ranma's guards hurried from the room.

The woman returned with a tray of rice and fruit, which the hungry girl nearly inhaled.

"That was good, bring on more!" The girl exclaimed happily.

"You need to take it a little slower, Ranma. Could you tell me a little more about yourself?"

The girl responded, looking down as she spoke. "Yeah, My name is Saotome Ranma, I am... was... a sixteen year old boy who came to China with my dad, Genma, on a Martial Arts training mission. Though they told us not to, we tried to spar in some cursed spring place. Pop fell into a spring, and I think he turned into a panda, I fell in one and... I guess I became a girl. Pop had read about it in a guidebook. He should have burned that one! Anyways, I woke up in a dungeon of some kind, tied up with a whole bunch of girls. They came by with some kind of bucket, and splashed water on us with some kind of ladle or something, laughing and saying something in Mandarin. One of 'em even knew a little Japanese, and told us we were the property of the Musk Dynasty. I decided I had to get out of that crazy place, but I had t' wait 'til the time was right. That night, when the guards fell asleep, I broke the rope they tied me up with, climbed up the wall of the dungeon to a window, and escaped. After sneaking around for a while, I ran across the valley at the spring place, and ended up here."

"My name is Cologne. I am a leader of this village. Though the Jusenkyo curse can usually be reversed by hot water, listening to your story tells me that might not be the case for you."

Cologne gave a command in Mandarin to one of the guards. In a few minutes, the guard returned with a teapot. She turned to her guest and asked, "Ranma, could you stand up?"

Ranma nodded and rose, before glancing in a nearby mirror. Though her head wounds were still visible, she thought the girl in the mirror would have been beautiful.

If she wasn't her.

The woman in the mirror was really short, had bright red hair, and quite was well built. "At least my eyes are still the same, blue as ever!" She watched as one of the guards poured the water over her head. "Hot" she said. Nothing happened.

Cologne closed her eyes for a moment, seeking composure. "It is as I feared. Ranma, the Musk are a truly terrible people." She opened her eyes, trying to offer compassion for the stricken girl with her gaze. "They use an artifact on victims of the 'Spring of Drowned Girl'. This horrible bucket, the Chisuiton, forever traps the spring's victims as women."

Ranma just quivered between rage and horror. "So... I'm a weak, silly, dumb ol' girl now forever?" She closed her eyes and buried her head in her hands.

Cologne freed the young woman's chin from her hands, gently lifting it. "Be glad you're here, Ranma. The women created by the Musk are used to the strengthen their gene pool."

Concern still on her face, Ranma looked a little puzzled. "What's pants gotta do with a pool?"

"Women created in the 'Spring of the Drowned Girl' become their wives, and are used to breed new Musk warriors. A beautiful, strong female like you would be highly prized as a wife."

Ranma swallowed hard, then looked like she was going to be sick. "So those other girls..."

Cologne shook her head sadly. "Most likely the other girls had been strong animals who the Musk thought would make good breeding stock."

At last Ranma thought of someone other than herself. "I wish I'd a been able t' save some of 'em."

Cologne smiled, hoping to buoy the redhead's mood. "Because you were able to escape and tell me what happened; I will send a rescue party for them."

Ranma realized that, though her duty as a martial artist had been fulfilled, she was still a girl. "Great… I guess. I wanna feel better about it now, but I'm not sure that's really possible. 'Cause a what happened to me."

Cologne pursed her lips in concentration before responding, "Ranma, if you had tried to escape with all of them, none of you would have made it out. Your bravery has given all of them a chance to escape."

Ranma felt a lot better... until she thought of her situation. "But I'm still a girl." She couldn't keep tears from falling. Being a girl now, she really didn't care about acting unmanly.

Cologne nodded curtly, "Yes. There is another artifact, the Kaisuifuu, which can unlock the curse, but its whereabouts have been lost. The curse itself has no known cure. A cursed individual takes their original form when splashed with hot water, and cursed form when splashed with cold. I am truly sorry."

All of the food she ate, the discussions, and the shock of her situation were catching up with Ranma..."uhhhhhh, I think I need t' go t' sleep again." The girl crawled back into bed and soon cried herself to sleep.

=======

Ranma woke up the next morning again feeling better, The sun had not come up yet, so a dim gray light shone through a window. It had been a while since she had done it, but Ranma stepped outside the house and began a simple kata. Now, she was truly alive again. She began a much more complex kata with her eyes closed; she did not need to use them to know where she was. When she was done, she opened her eyes, and saw a beautiful sunrise. She heard a noise to her right. Turning, she saw a girl about her age. The girl was pretty, which long purple hair. Ranma's expression perked up; the young Amazon held some sort of Chinese maces in her hands, marks of a martial artist. Maybe girls needed to cheat and use weapons.

The girl reflected Ranma's hesitant smile. "Ranma good Martial Artist. Name, Shampoo. Shampoo also Martial artist." the girl said, her expression guarded expression now happy.

Ranma's smile became broader in anticipation. "Hey, Shampoo, wanna spar with me?"

Shampoo's finally returned a little more of the happiness she felt at meeting a girl her own age to spar with. She gave a brief bow before replying. "Yes, Shampoo like that. Shampoo not go easy on Ranma because Ranma sick."

The redhead assumed her battle stance.

The match began. As usual with a new opponent, Ranma observed Shampoo, trying to discover her attack strategies and power levels. Shampoo repeatedly attacked Ranma, who dodged every blow. Finally, Shampoo feinted with one of her maces, and landed a solid blow with the other.

"You're pretty good... for a girl!" Ranma said to her opponent with a smile.

"Thank you!" Shampoo happily replied, then the comment registered. "Ranma girl too!"

Pleasantries out of the way, it was time to fight in earnest. Ranma continued to dodge Shampoo's blows, then suddenly unleashed a flurry of fists. One of Shampoo's maces was knocked out of her hand. A flip, kick and a punch removed the other. Ranma leapt back. "You fought well." She bowed to her opponent.

Shampoo was excited at the prospect of training with her new friend. "Shampoo train with Ranma?"

Ranma thought of home for a moment, putting a damper on her spirits. "Well, Shampoo, I'm not sure how long I'll be staying here..."

"You can stay as long as you like, Ranma" Cologne spoke from her home's portal, then hopped over to the girl's side. "I would welcome you as a member of our tribe."

Ranma shook her head no. "Thanks, I guess. But I'm from Japan, ya know! I'd really like to go... home."

"As you wish. You'll need to recover and prepare for your journey, so stay with us as a guest. Perhaps you can train our warriors. That should be a fair trade." Cologne smiled and offered Ranma her hand. "Deal?"

Ranma shook the withered appendage. "Deal! I'd like t' train with your fighters. Those Musk are gonna be sorry they ever got ahold a me!" She concluded with confidence, then bowed deeply. As the girl got up, tears began to form in, then fall from, her eyes. She ran inside.

=======

Shampoo entered the room where Ranma had been sleeping. She found the girl sobbing uncontrollably. "What wrong, Ranma?"

Ranma didn't even look up. "My pop raised me t' be a man. He always said that girls were weak, they distracted men from the Art. Now look at me. I'm just a weak little girl. Girls can't even really be... martial artists. And that's all I was, so now I ain't nothin'."

Shampoo struggled not to yell at the silly girl. She hugged her tightly, pleased continued contact diminished the sobs. "Ranma, Shampoo best warrior in village. Though sick, Ranma beat Shampoo. Ranma strong warrior, not weak. Woman can be strong fighter if want to."

Ranma began to sob again. Shampoo gently picked up the girl, still amazed at the powerful warrior's light and tiny frame. Placing Ranma in the bed, Shampoo drew a blanket up to the girl's shoulders. Shampoo left the room. Perhaps great grandmother would know what to do.

=======

"Great grandmother?" Shampoo asked her elder. "Ranma is really having a hard time adjusting. Is there anything you can do to help her?"

Cologne looked thoughtful in response to her great-grandchild's query. "Shampoo, perhaps we can help Ranma accept what she now is using some of our hair care products. Let me see... We can make her forget she was ever male... We can erase her memories..."

Shampoo returned a look of pleading determination. "No, great grandmother. Please let me try to save Ranma without destroying her. She's very brave, a skilled warrior, and I like her. Her memories will only make her skills stronger. Her skills will make our tribe stronger."

Cologne looked at the child with pride. "Well, great grand daughter, as an heir to leadership, you must learn to make difficult decisions. She can be your little project. My method would take only a few seconds, but I'll give you a month."

Shampoo bowed. "Thank you, great grandmother." She left to see Ranma. When the young Amazon returned to Ranma's room, the girl had cried herself to sleep and seemed to be resting comfortably.

=======

Ranma woke up a few hours later. What a nightmare! He opened his eyes, and saw Shampoo looking at him with a concerned expression. It was no dream. "Shampoo, why are you still here?"

Shampoo shook away the daze that had crept up during her vigil. "Shampoo worry about Ranma. Shampoo like help Ranma be happy as woman."

Ranma didn't even bother looking her companion in the eyes as she replied. "I never got a chance t' be very happy as a guy, Shampoo. Pop and I lived for the Art, ya know. Why should I be happy now that I'm a girl? The Art's all I got left, now. And girls are crummy at the Art."

Shampoo rose and offered her new friend a hand. "Start at beginning. Ranma need clothes. Come with Shampoo."

Ranma accepted the hand, and followed Shampoo out the door. It had been a long time since she had stopped long enough to have a friend, she knew she needed one now.

=======

The seamstress, Parfum lived in a house similar to the others in the village. The main distinction of her home being the amazon fashions displayed in the window. Inside, she measured Ranma for her new clothing.

Ranma looked at herself in the mirror. The top of her pajamas was off. The first time she ever saw what a girl reallly looked like, and it was herself she saw in the mirror! Her face reddened and she averted her eyes. She thought for a moment. She couldn't even look at herself in the mirror! Her fear gave way to tears. "I hate myself!" she whispered.

In that moment Shampoo understood both the ease her grandmother's solution and the importance of the task Cologne had given her. She and Ranma would learn much in the coming month. She walked over to the softly sobbing girl. She crouched down to look Ranma in the eyes, speaking softly with the love she already felt for the frightened girl. "Ranma woman now, Shampoo sister. Shampoo want sister be happy. Please no cry. Look mirror. Be proud. Ranma beautiful and strong woman, make fine warrior. Ranma may never be man again. If Ranma not woman, Ranma die. Shampoo think Ranma want live. Please live. Think of parents. Think of sister... Think of Art."

Ranma looked up at the woman in the mirror again. She saw all Shampoo had said she was in that person, in herself. She would not be frightened of her reflection again. Her tears gave way to a tiny smile. It would be difficult to get used to, but she would, with her sister's help. She realized her life depended on it. "Thanks, 'sis'!" Ranma turned to face Shampoo, happiness plain on her face. She playfully stuck her tongue out at her sister.

Shampoo laughed and engulfed Ranma in a hug. Soon both of them were laughing.

Parfum came up to the two girls. "My alterations should be done tomorrow. I think you'll like your new clothes, Ranma-chan."

The neo-sisters separated and Ranma bowed. "Thank you." She was glad the woman spoke Japanese; though she knew that would not often be the case. Shampoo and Ranma left the shop.

=======

The two girls talked on their way home.

Her tears forgotten, Ranma turned to her... sister with a small smile. "Shampoo, I think I need t' speak Mandarin. Can you help me learn?"

Shampoo nodded. "Of course Ranma. If Ranma live here, even little while, Ranma need speak language. Will Ranma train Shampoo in Japanese and Martial Art?"

Ranma's smile broadened. "Sure, Shampoo! I'd love t' train ya."

They walked in silence the rest of the way. Content in each other's presence and the tenuous bond they were building together. The pair amused themselves for hours with playful attempts at language lessons, which usually ended up with both girls laughing hysterically. But, as the sun dipped toward the horizon, total immersion had given each girl a grasp of the other's native tongue. And their bond with each other was even stronger.

After not even a day, Shampoo's progress with the Japanese girl impressed Cologne. This one would be an asset to the tribe here or in Japan. Perhaps she should try to formalize the relationship between the two. A sister for Shampoo would prove useful in the village or across the sea. Cologne left to consult the scrolls on the matter.

========

The next morning, Ranma again greeted the sunrise with her kata. Shampoo was finishing preparation of a quick breakfast. "Good morning, Ranma. Today, we get you new clothes."

"Yeah, Shampoo." Ranma replied, trying to muster some excitement for today's trip to visit Parfum.

Shampoo turned for a moment from the pot she stirred to wink at her friend. "I think you'll like you new clothes, Ranma. You'll see."

=======

Again Ranma was in the shop, looking at one of her new outfits in the mirror. It was quite simple really, consisting of a sleeveless, sky blue silk shirt and black silk pants. Flat soled black slippers clothed her feet. The alterations had made the clothes fit her closely, but not tightly, though there were ties around the ankles. The outfit was similar to what he had worn on the day he had fallen in the spring... before he had changed into his gi... yet it was completely different. The outfit he wore was functional; this outfit showed off the person beneath, enhancing her beauty. The color was also different. His shirt had been red, but hers matched her eyes, not her hair as red would have. His hair had been black.

The redhead took a ready stance and looked at her image in the mirror. It was that of a martial artist. She was smaller than before, but her expression and control of same were identical. She also noticed stream of tears coming from her eyes. Was she upset about what he had lost or she had gained? It was what he had lost. She saw Shampoo's reflection in the mirror.

"You like?" The glass bound reflection asked.

"Yes, I like 'em a lot, Shampoo. I have never had such nice clothes before. I look beautiful..." Tears swallowed her voice, as the girl began to cry. She could not stop the impending torrent.

Shampoo hugged the much smaller girl from behind, watching the smaller woman's reaction in the mirror "Why are you still sad, Ranma?"

The warmth of the embrace brought Ranma back from her despair. "I've lost what my pop taught me to prize most, my manhood. I am a man, Shampoo. I have to be a man. I'm not suppose' t' be beautiful." She began to quiver slightly, sadness increasingly becoming agitation.

Shampoo understood how Ranma felt, but she had to save her. "Ranma, you cannot be man now. Please accept this body. You can still be man inside, but you must be woman outside. If you cannot accept it, you'll die."

Ranma shook her head no. "But Cologne said there's a way to unlock the curse! Why should I give up hope?"

Shampoo let go of the girl, walking around to face Ranma directly. With a warm smile, Shampoo gently lifted Ranma's chin again to look into the other girl's tear-streaked face. "Don't give up hope! Just remember you'll have a woman's body until the curse is unlocked. You've got to accept it. You've got to be a woman outside. I want to help you, Ranma. Please let me!"

Despair threatened to claim the quivering girl again. "But I'm a man!"

Shampoo released the girl's chin, gratified Ranma still looked into her eyes. She placed a hand on each of the redhead's shoulders. The young Amazon spoke again, fighting to keep anger from her voice. "Ranma, I did not want to tell this, but if you don't want to be a woman, or at least accept a woman's body. Great Grandmother will make you a woman. She will use magic, make you forget your manhood and maybe even you whole life. She is willing to make you just like any other Musk animal bride. Make Ranma dead. Shampoo… I do not want that. Great Grandmother sees a strong woman. Maybe a warrior, but at least a woman who will bear strong children. I see brave Ranma. Great Grandmother gave me one month to fix Ranma… you. Then, if you are not fixed, Great Grandmother fix Ranma. Ranma will die then. Shampoo very sad, lose sister. Shampoo love sister. Ranma! I do not want to lose you. Shampoo and Ranma… We can teach other so so much." Shampoo could not keep her own tears away by the time she was done.

Shampoo hated to use her trump card on the second day, but she felt something had to be done. In one smooth motion, Shampoo wiped her tears with the sleeve of her top then offered her hand to Ranma. "Ranma help Shampoo… me… prove Great Grandmother wrong, or we go now and Ranma die. Just like your Seppuku, but no blood. Ranma… your pain will end. Maybe new warrior will be happy, or at least new wife will be content. But... I will be so very very sad." The renewed thought of losing Ranma brought tears back to the taller girl's eyes.

Ranma thought for a while, she wanted to live. Seeing tears in Shampoo's eyes, the cost the taller girl would pay if Cologne had her way was plain. Shampoo's pain made her think of the hurt those who had lost her but lived far away must feel. Like Mother, if she lived, and Father. If he lived after the battle.

Thinking some more, Ranma considered how much she treasured all the memories that made herself Ranma. Even the new ones of the past few days. Even the ones where she was a beautiful girl. But girls were…

NO!

She was a strong girl. And She was not silly. And she still loved the Art.

And she did not lose. Ever.

Cocky determination she had forgotten returned to drive out the despair.

She had not chosen to become a woman, but she was one now. Or at least she had a woman's body she had to accept, if not love.

Of course, Ranma could run away, but only from this place... not from her body. Here she had a friend, a sister, who truly understood her and wanted to help her. A sister who needed her. Who wanted teach and learn from her.

In short, Shampoo was a sister Ranma realized she needed too.

Ranma looked at Shampoo for a moment. The purple-haired Amazon was very beautiful. HE might have fallen in love with her, but she saw her new sister. She already loved this girl, but in a different way from anyone else she had ever known. Except maybe her mother. Even if some miracle unlocked her curse, this woman would always be his/her sister. Ranma smiled, filled with her new love.

Shampoo showed playful concern. "What you think about, Ranma? Please don't get funny on Shampoo!"

Ranma wrapped her arms around the larger woman, offering a fierce hug. She stood on tiptoe to whisper softly in Shampoo's ear. "I was just thinking that if I were a man, that I might fall in love with you, but I realized that I already love you as my sister. Even if the curse is unlocked, I think you will always be my sister."

Shampoo returned the embrace, smiling broadly. "That is nice Ranma, Shampoo… I would like a brother, too. If curse the unlocked, Ranma can be both for Shampoo."

Ranma broke the embrace, happiness returning to her face, to stay. "I think I love my sister very much, even though I just met her. She has already saved me once."

Shampoo almost burst with pride as she replied. "Twice, Ranma. I caught you and carry when you run from Musk and faint. Shampoo… I got a scar from Musk spear carrying you, Ranma. You are so so so brave. No one ever escaped the Musk fortress like Ranma!"

"Thank you Shampoo, for everything." Tears came again... now of gratitude, joy and a bit of love.

Ranma took Shampoo's hand and shook it with a firm grasp. "I'll be damned if that mummy's gonna get rid a me! With your help, Shampoo, we can do this."

"Good, Ranma. Shampoo try not kill man inside, but help woman outside. Shampoo want brother and sister. We go."

Ranma bowed to the proprietor, "Thank you, the clothes are beautiful."

"You are most welcome," the woman said. After all she had seen and heard, she didn't know what else to say. It was often like this with children of Jusenkyo. This one was special, no doubt. Never had such leeway been given. But then, Rama had done something no Musk bride had ever done… and the heir apparent had taken Ranma under her wing.

Considering those last two facts, Parfum had to wonder if she would be telling her daughters and her daughters' daughters about this day, and her part in it, for years to come.

=======

When a cheerful, almost cocky, Ranma returned with Shampoo, Cologne was even more impressed. It seemed that Shampoo's project was well ahead of schedule. Perhaps Ranma would survive, though it was still weeks before her greatest test. If Shampoo succeeded, the rewards would be great. That prospect brought other thoughts to mind.

Cologne realized the women of the village could teach Ranma many other lessons. Perhaps the craftswomen could give the Amazon candidate a brief apprenticeship so the... Amazon to be could find her place in the village; after Shampoo's project succeeded.

=======

Returning home, Ranma and Shampoo went outside to train in earnest. Ranma prescribed a difficult regimen of exercises, running and sparring designed to increase fitness and fighting prowess. She had learned much in the eleven years she had spent with her father. They also tried to conduct language lessons all the while, and actually found the mental stimulation made the long workouts easier. It would be difficult to do this every day, but both girls were determined. After the first real day of training, both girls were winded.

Ranma stopped panting for a moment to get a few works in. "So, whatcha think of my training, Shampoo?"

Shampoo gave her sister a look of playful anger. "You really ARE a monster, Ranma! Your methods'll make strong warrior of me, or they kill me!"

Both girls laughed.

"The same tomorrow, Shampoo?"

"Yes, same. Maybe other warriors will join us."

"I'd like that, Shampoo."

=======

As days became weeks, more people joined Ranma and Shampoo in evening training sessions. Ranma could see daily improvement in the practice sessions.

Cologne introduced Ranma to many of the craftswomen of the village, starting with one she already knew, Parfum. Though the pedal powered sewing machine was much faster, Ranma's innate dexterity and tiny fingers made the simple needle and thread easy to use as well. Measuring, repairing, and creating clothes for customers was rewarding. Especially when a woman smiled at her new reflection in the mirror, then turned to share happiness with the apprentice.

Successive internships with the butcher and baker taught a lot about staples she had taken for granted. Plenty of customer interaction and haggling over a cut of meat or dozen buns improved developed both commerce and language skills.

Next, she tested her memory and learned a lot about proper and improper behavior as she joined her sister to work at a small cafe. A week's vacation for two waitresses gave Shampoo and Ranma a chance to fill in. Her Mandarin improved even more as she took orders and chatted with regulars.

Cologne had also taught the increasingly Chinese girl a few useful Amazon techniques 'Kachuu Tenshin Amiguriken' and 'Bakusai Tenketsu'. In return, Ranma had taught the Matriarch all she knew of her father's school.

Though she appreciated the lessons and coin, Ranma wasn't sure she wanted to stay in the village. She still wanted to go home.

Somehow.

=======

One day Shampoo was a little sick. She trained but seemed a little off. After training, Ranma wanted to talk about it. She looked at her sister with concern. "You seem to be a little sick today, Shampoo."

Shampoo smiled. "It happens to women once a month, Ranma."

Ranma looked concerned. "You mean I'm gonna get sick once a month?"

Shampoo laughed. "Don't worry, Ranma. It's part of making babies."

Ranma's face grew pale.

"But you still need father." Shampoo added for her unworldly friend.

Ranma decided she didn't want to press the issue further. It was a complication she hadn't figured on, however.

Shampoo soon got over her 'sickness'.

Ranma dreaded the days she would have to endure hers.

=======

Ranma's sickness came and went. She was scared at first, but was glad Shampoo had told her about it before. What Shampoo hadn't told her about was all the bleeding involved. She was glad when her sickness was over, but she'd survive, she was a... woman, at least for now.

Cologne was surprised how well Ranma handled the hurdle she had to cross. Shampoo had succeeded, and the tribe was much stronger due to the training sessions. She was glad Shampoo had defended the Japanese girl. Ranma would be an asset to the tribe. Cologne would now formalize the relationship of Shampoo and her 'sister'.

=======

At Ranma's last session, nearly the whole village was training. As the best young warrior in the village, Shampoo was Ranma's partner in the training exercises, as she was the best warrior in the village. The 'sisters' would demonstrate a new skill, several times at different speeds, and then Ranma and Shampoo would walk among the warriors, helping each group of two perfect the skill they were learning. Looking over the mass of warriors practicing skills she had taught them made her proud.

=======

Ranma went back to the house where she had lived for the past month. Cologne and Shampoo were already there.

First, Cologne spoke "Saotome Ranma, I thank you on behalf of our people. Though it is unusual to make such an offer to one who is leaving us, I would like you to join our tribe. The world grows ever more complex, and our tribe would be well served by a sister in Japan. As Shampoo has already told me that the two of you consider yourselves sisters, I can also declare that you are sisters, if you wish."

A surprised, proud smile lit Ranma's face. "Thanks, Cologne. I'd be honored to join your band, and I'd really love to call Shampoo my sister."

Cologne smiled, trying her best not to gloat over the pending victory. "I will arrange a feast to celebrate your ascension as a warrior. And, do you really need to return to Japan? You will be loved, honored and respected as an equal here."

"I still want to go home, too, Cologne-sensei." Ranma replied.

"Of course, Ranma. I'm sure Shampoo will help you prepare." A clearly disappointed Cologne responded.

=======

Preparations for Ranma’s ascension ceremony required another visit to Parfum. Since the tailor already had Ranma's measurements, only a fitting would be required to see if any slight alterations would be needed. Ranma and Shampoo entered the shop. The mirror held no fear for Ranma anymore, in fact, she appreciated checking out her improved muscle definition.

Shampoo noticed too. "Oooo, you're getting stronger Ranma. Still not as strong as me I bet!" Shampoo flicked her tongue out at her sister.

"Girls, I have Ranma's clothing for the ceremony." Parfum said, offering a wrapped garment that looked suspiciously like a dress to Ranma.

The redheaded martial artist looked thoughtful for a moment as her mouth scrunched up before replying "mmmmm… 'kay." as she took the package to the small dressing booth. Ranma quickly flipped off her slippers the unbuttoned her top just be low the shoulder so she could pull it over her head. She then bent down and undid the ties on both her pant legs before sliding them off.

Ranma unwrapped the package revealing a shiny teal dress with gold accents. It had buttons below the shoulder like her tops did. And it was sleeveless, just like her tops. Similarities made it easy to put the dress on. She stepped into her slippers and folded up her top and pants before sliding the booth's curtain.

Shampoo gasped for a moment, then smiled broadly. He sister looked beautiful in the modern qipao. "Ranma, come look at the big mirror. You look great, little sister!"

Ranma nodded. Looking at the dress in the mirror, she frowned. Glancing down at the dress, it reminded her, for a moment, of what she had been dressed with at the Musk fortress. After a sinking moment of panic, her lips drew into a tight line. She put this dress on herself. It would be her choice whether she wore this gift. It wasn't decoration pulled onto an unconscious Musk bride. Nor was it a declaration of her as property. It didn't announce her surrender to the Musk either. It was her decision to wear this dress to celebrate moving to a new phase of her life. Like at graduation.

Finally, tightly pursed lips melted into a smile. In the last month Ranma had ripped control of her life from the Musk warlords, then from her father's training. This was her life now, and she would be on her own soon. Turning to Shampoo, her now warm smile grew a little more, at last responding to the compliment. "Thanks, big sister."

Shampoo looked thoughtful then replied, "You're most welcome. I think I need to buy you a few gifts that can double as accessories for your new outfit. So I'll stay here, okay?"

"Sure, Shampoo." Ranma nodded, then gathered her less feminine clothes before leaving.

=======

"So be it then, welcome to our tribe Ranma. I know you will stand ready to help your sisters if they need you. Also know that, in our eyes, you share a special bond of sisterhood with Shampoo. Henceforth, she shall be your sister as truly as if born so."

Resplendently dressed as both an Amazon warrior and a woman, Ranma bowed deeply to Cologne. "Thanks again, Cologne. I'll honor my tribe here and in Japan... and especially my sister, Shampoo." It seemed that unlike Japanese, she had learned proper Mandarin.

Cologne smiled. "Ranma, please accept these gifts from our tribe, in partial payment for the training you have given us." indicating a backpack, a pair of hiking boots, and a small stack of clothing. The clothing consisted of denim jeans and shorts, pairs of white socks, white blouses, undergarments, a dark blue sweater, three belts, and a long, warm jacket. The backpack contained a sleeping bag and all manner of camping equipment.

Ranma carefully put her 'old' and new clothes in the pack. After the feast, there would be time to dress.

=======

Ranma looked in the mirror one last time. Her stay had allowed her wounds to heal, but it looked that she would have to live with a scar on her forehead. Her outfit was simple and comfortable. A white buttoned blouse, denim jeans with a belt, and her slippers.

She turned from the mirror to look at Cologne and Shampoo. "Thank you, I really appreciate all you guys have done."

Cologne embraced her tribe's newest member. "You are most welcome, Amazon! Please come visit your sisters again."

After Cologne let go, Ranma spoke. "I will! Shampoo, could you walk with me to the edge of the village?"

"Yes, sister. I'd like that!"

The two sisters reached the edge of the village. Ranma turned to Shampoo. "I owe my life to you, Shampoo. You're not just a sister; you're almost like a mother to me. I'll write you whenever I get a chance; and why don't you visit when I get home? Maybe you could join me at school when I get back to Japan."

"Hey, Ranma, that's a great idea! I'll be sure to tell Great-grandmother." She held a paper package, offering it to Ranma. "Don't forget your dress, Ranma. Goodbye, sister."

"Bye, hope to see you soon! You'll always be in my memories." She gave her sister a hug and a kiss on the cheek, which Shampoo was happy to return.

Ranma took off her pack and added the package. She noticed tears in Shampoo's eyes through her own wavering vison. Putting her pack back on, she embraced her sister one more time, but not the last. "I love you, Shampoo." She whispered.

"So do I, sister." Shampoo whispered back.

Breaking the embrace, Ranma pivoted and hiked down the road. At the top of a small hill, she turned, and waved to her sister once more, then walked down the other side.

Both sisters knew they would see each other again.

=================================================================
Kevin D. Hammel 1-24-2013
I am trying to rework this story (which I started 14 years or so ago). I am almost complete with rewrite. There are of course six more chapters I will try to release regularly as I complete rewrite and pre-reading.

[Sunshine Temple]

Nice expansion.

I really like the interaction between Shampoo and Ranma. It really humanizes both of them, and gives Shampoo a taste of the responsibilities and challenges in her future.

This also expands the experiences Ranma has in the village. And serves as a nice foreshadowing for the skills and things she'll do as she goes on her journey.

[Ellen Kuhfeld]

Dwarfed by the cliffs and fortress towering above her, a petite injured girl picked her way through talus at the base of the escarpment. Her beautiful pink silk dress had been torn and frayed by the rocks. Crude jute sandals graced her filthy, dainty feet. The girl's unbound red hair fell to her mid-back; her mane matted with blood, mostly dried.

Though lost, she knew escape from the citadel was mandatory or a fate far crueler awaited. Hearing a faint noise, the girl dove into a crack between two of the boulders, trying to hold absolutely still. She heard footsteps and men shouting at each other in an incomprehensible language.

You're trying too hard on the first two paragraphs, using many adjectives and over-elaborate words. Some of those words are deployed in the wrong order. Focus on the girl, not the details of her clothes -- there'll be time for clothes back in the Amazon village. Otherwise, the story seemed fine.

=====

An injured girl picked her way down the talus slope, dwarfed by the cliffs and the fortress towering over her. Her dress was torn and frayed by rocks. Crude jute sandals chafed her feet. Her unbound red hair fell to her mid-back, matted with drying blood.

Though hurt and lost, she had to escape -- or a far crueler fate awaited. Hearing a faint noise, the girl dove into a crack between two boulders, trying to hold absolutely still. She heard footsteps and men shouting at each other in an incomprehensible language.

[khammel]

Nice expansion.

I really like the interaction between Shampoo and Ranma. It really humanizes both of them, and gives Shampoo a taste of the responsibilities and challenges in her future.

This also expands the experiences Ranma has in the village. And serves as a nice foreshadowing for the skills and things she'll do as she goes on her journey.

Thanks for your comments.

Dwarfed by the cliffs and fortress towering above her, a petite injured girl picked her way through talus at the base of the escarpment. Her beautiful pink silk dress had been torn and frayed by the rocks. Crude jute sandals graced her filthy, dainty feet. The girl's unbound red hair fell to her mid-back; her mane matted with blood, mostly dried.

Though lost, she knew escape from the citadel was mandatory or a fate far crueler awaited. Hearing a faint noise, the girl dove into a crack between two of the boulders, trying to hold absolutely still. She heard footsteps and men shouting at each other in an incomprehensible language.

You're trying too hard on the first two paragraphs, using many adjectives and over-elaborate words. Some of those words are deployed in the wrong order. Focus on the girl, not the details of her clothes -- there'll be time for clothes back in the Amazon village. Otherwise, the story seemed fine.

=====

An injured girl picked her way down the talus slope, dwarfed by the cliffs and the fortress towering over her. Her dress was torn and frayed by rocks. Crude jute sandals chafed her feet. Her unbound red hair fell to her mid-back, matted with drying blood.

Though hurt and lost, she had to escape -- or a far crueler fate awaited. Hearing a faint noise, the girl dove into a crack between two boulders, trying to hold absolutely still. She heard footsteps and men shouting at each other in an incomprehensible language.

Thanks so much. I will credit you in the author's notes and use your simplified text. For grins, I thought I would paste in the July 13, 1998 version (A reasonably formidable wall of text in its own right). Perhaps I embellished a bit too much in the rewrite. :)

Dwarfed by the cliffs and fortress towering above her, an injured girl picked her way through talus at the base of the escarpment. She wore a torn white garment, a dress, perhaps, and sandals on her feet. Her red hair was matted with blood, mostly dried. She was not sure where she was, but knew she had to get away from here or fate would be far more cruel to her than it already had. She heard a faint noise, and dove into a crack between two of the boulders, trying to hold absolutely still. She heard footsteps and the men shouting at each other in a language she did not understand. She would wait several agonizing minutes, knowing they would hear her pounding heart and haul her back inside.

[Spokavriel]

The woman in the mirror was really short, had bright red hair, and quite was well built.

Think you wanted and was quite well built there.

In that moment Shampoo understood both the ease her grandmother's solution and the importance of the task Cologne had given her.

Seems you missed a word in here after ease, guessing either in or of got left out.

It is a bit off putting how Shampoo goes from talking clearly to stilted when both are in the same quotes...

Ranma stopped panting for a moment to get a few works in. "So, whatcha think of my training, Shampoo?"

words not works

Definite improvements. Still wish you could have had at least a mention of Mu Tsu but he's not likely to be useful for anything other than a distraction and annoyance at this point.

Edit: At least there are allot of places for Mousse flashbacks clearly mentioned so they don't come out of the blue again.

[Dumbledork]

That was really great. I enjoyed it.

[frice2000]

I don't really post here anymore because I've been told I'm rude and no longer welcome (which I'm sure the same people who said that would take from this post as I'm not going to give you purely positive commentary) but anyway just wanted to say this is an interesting piece, and I enjoyed parts of the original.

That said you do not succeed in two rather huge areas. First, Ranma just escaped the Musk after being locked, made a slave, and likely raped. And the result of all of that...Is kind of brushed under the rug and forgotten about how fast? Can't do that. Doesn't work at all. Massive selling yourself short on what is a huge dramatic bit for this story. In my opinion kind of should retool the entire first few chapters on getting over that by itself. That's not something that she should just be able to move on from as quickly as you do.

That beginning of your piece where she feels like she's lost and is basically totally desperate? That's really nicely powerful and shows a broken and lost Ranma. Yet, your Ranma is recovered from that right after she wakes up after only a few moments of fear? Nope, doesn't work that way. I really didn't notice this myself until someone else mentioned it but yeah this does start the whole story off on a note that's pretty much irrevocably a failure. You can't move on that quickly. Slow down. Deal with the emotional trauma.

So you pretty much have two choices. The first would be my choice. It's a LOT more work but it makes for a much better story in my opinion. Those are:
1. Scrap pretty much everything after the first two paragraphs. You can keep them for later in the story. But for the start they don't belong here. Sucks I know, but you can write a MUCH better story. Kind of need to deal with Ranma the victim before you can have Ranma the Amazon. Not that I'm at all adverse to Ranma the Amazon but you need to move that far more slowly then you do. But a story of Ranma recovering from a rape, being beaten, and reduced to a slave when surrounded by the Amazons might be good. However, there's a lot of complicated issues going on there. That's three MASSIVE psychological blows she has to deal with. You shouldn't just hand wave them away.

2. Your second option and the easier one, but in my opinion in the end far less fufilling, is you change the entire beginning around. Have Ranma be at Jusenkyou while Herb is and she gets locked there. Perhaps a fight with Herb and his retainers and she realizes she can't beat him so she runs and runs into the Amazons then? Realizes she's locked but doesn't have the extra baggage of ever being a sex slave wife. That's not much of a rewrite and you do touch on a few pieces of that trauma in what you have, so perhaps this works better for you. However, I by no means think this is the better way to go for your story in terms of trauma and quality story telling.

Some specific line comments:

The girl smiled, glad to hear Japanese again,

Who is this? It isn't Ranma. She's not acting anything like Ranma. Now you can say that's because she's been beaten down by the Musk but then she really wouldn't say anything or be incredibly scared and suspicious wouldn't she? Just doesn't feel right at all.

My memories ain't great right now, but they're gettin' better."

Cheesy. Doesn't work.

The girl exclaimed happily.

Again even in the number two scenario I mentioned above she would not be happy. She's stuck as a girl. She's basically had her entire life fucked up. There is no happy.

"Yeah, My name is Saotome Ranma, I am... was... a sixteen year old boy who came to China with my dad, Genma, on a Martial Arts training mission. Though they told us not to, we tried to spar in some cursed spring place. Pop fell into a spring, and I think he turned into a panda, I fell in one and... I guess I became a girl. Pop had read about it in a guidebook. He should have burned that one! Anyways, I woke up in a dungeon of some kind, tied up with a whole bunch of girls. They came by with some kind of bucket, and splashed water on us with some kind of ladle or something, laughing and saying something in Mandarin. One of 'em even knew a little Japanese, and told us we were the property of the Musk Dynasty. I decided I had to get out of that crazy place, but I had t' wait 'til the time was right. That night, when the guards fell asleep, I broke the rope they tied me up with, climbed up the wall of the dungeon to a window, and escaped. After sneaking around for a while, I ran across the valley at the spring place, and ended up here."

Break this up with interjections. Other people talking, questions, etc. This is too much. Imagine giving all of that to someone and not having them ask for anything while you say it. It's too much.

Anyway, I could give you some more point by points but honestly don't feel like contributing anymore to this forum. As I said in the start of this post, I'm not welcome here. I would be more then happy to give you some more specific comments as I have liked this fic when posted before and certain parts of it but I really do feel it needs work. If you want you can PM me a Google Docs link with it and I'll comment rather expressively there, or you can AIM me at Filiamikosama. Usually on after work starting at 3-4PM. Would be pleased to give you some more comments. To be very clear don't dislike this story. The original is archived on my Kindle which I only do for fics I really do like. I'm just not going to tell you 'this is good' like so many people are here. You can really improve on this and make it rather special, deep, and tell a rather nice story while still hitting all your points here. What follows isn't bad at all for the forthcoming chapters if it's expanded a bit like this was. But imagine how much more powerful all of those pieces would be if you really develop Ranma recovering from all the traumas she sustained before this piece started. This really could be a wonderful character evolution piece. But you need to spend a lot more time on it. And getting it to the point where Ranma gets her confidence back. Like I said would love to talk to you either through comments on this chapter on a Google Docs you post, or through the AIM chat I provided. I just really no longer feel at all comfortable doing it here.

[uragaaru]

Narratively, I have to mostly agree with frice. As much as I like the idea of the story and the relationship you present, the pacing feels off and, once you factor in what supposedly happened in the backstory (at the very least Ranma has to deal with the fact that she's curse-locked, lost a fight badly, and was kidnapped. The implication that Ranma was also about to be sexually assaulted and used as breeding stock should render the poor girl practically catatonic), it definitely feels uneven.

Really the arc of the chapter should be focused on Shampoo helping Ranma work through the trauma, perhaps along the lines to similar stories where Akane aids Ranma after a traumatic event (The Silent Horse is the first one that comes to mind). Of course, what makes the premise stand out is that part of that healing process will be slanted through the lens Amazon norms and social mores. I think the chapter does a decent enough job fleshing out the world of the Nujiezu, though it could always stand to be sketched out more fully.

One way perhaps to alleviate the unevenness is to perhaps give us more detail of the escape beyond the short first scene. How did Ranma find a way out of Musk captivity and, more importantly, what was the impetus (logistical or emotional)? What shocked Ranma out of catatonia and prompted the flight response?

[khammel]

Omnibus reply incoming...

That was really great. I enjoyed it.

Thank you.

The woman in the mirror was really short, had bright red hair, and quite was well built.

Think you wanted and was quite well built there.

Will fix, thanks.

In that moment Shampoo understood both the ease her grandmother's solution and the importance of the task Cologne had given her.

Seems you missed a word in here after ease, guessing either in or of got left out.

Should be 'of' after ease I think. That typo sure survived a long time. Thank you.

It is a bit off putting how Shampoo goes from talking clearly to stilted when both are in the same quotes...

My thinking was to show her improvement over time. So she still trips over words in Japanese occasionally until the Japanese is okay by then end.

Ranma stopped panting for a moment to get a few works in. "So, whatcha think of my training, Shampoo?"

words not works

Thanks.

Definite improvements. Still wish you could have had at least a mention of Mu Tsu but he's not likely to be useful for anything other than a distraction and annoyance at this point.

Edit: At least there are allot of places for Mousse flashbacks clearly mentioned so they don't come out of the blue again.

Well, since I take "Amazons" as the basis for canon here, Mousse and Shampoo have (or will have at some pont) a strong and loving relationship. Though it is pretty much under wraps, since in some ways she realizes he is more skilled... but is a man. I guess the question would be whether Shampoo would let Ranma in on it. I will think that over. The next comments also point toward a lot more work on this story.

I don't really post here anymore because I've been told I'm rude and no longer welcome (which I'm sure the same people who said that would take from this post as I'm not going to give you purely positive commentary) but anyway just wanted to say this is an interesting piece, and I enjoyed parts of the original.

Well, I would characterize 'destructive' criticism as lacking any constructive elements. Instead of that, you have always shown the 'why' prose does not work and 'how' it can be fixed. I was especially happy with how "The Daughter of Terra" evolved with the commentary you and Spokavriel provided.

That said you do not succeed in two rather huge areas. First, Ranma just escaped the Musk after being locked, made a slave, and likely raped. And the result of all of that...Is kind of brushed under the rug and forgotten about how fast? Can't do that. Doesn't work at all. Massive selling yourself short on what is a huge dramatic bit for this story. In my opinion kind of should retool the entire first few chapters on getting over that by itself. That's not something that she should just be able to move on from as quickly as you do.

Though I realize 'dialogue' is probably not possible in this instance (I do not expect a return post) I will reply anyhow. This has always been a 'what if...' scenario on the classic story "Amazons". In that story, all you say happens and Ranma Totally snaps, develops amnesia, and is rebuilt as the Amazon warrior Rinse. Who becomes Shampoo's "little sister", though she clearly retains all her "Anything Goes" skills and training. My idea has always been "What if... Ranma escaped BEFORE what you discuss happened?" She was probably captive less than 24 hours. Her bruising etc occurred at the springs themselves, in the pitched battle, not in the fortress. I could add some sort of examination that would show she was not umm... assaulted I guess. That could alleviate at least some trauma.

That beginning of your piece where she feels like she's lost and is basically totally desperate? That's really nicely powerful and shows a broken and lost Ranma. Yet, your Ranma is recovered from that right after she wakes up after only a few moments of fear? Nope, doesn't work that way. I really didn't notice this myself until someone else mentioned it but yeah this does start the whole story off on a note that's pretty much irrevocably a failure. You can't move on that quickly. Slow down. Deal with the emotional trauma.

So you pretty much have two choices. The first would be my choice. It's a LOT more work but it makes for a much better story in my opinion. Those are:
1. Scrap pretty much everything after the first two paragraphs. You can keep them for later in the story. But for the start they don't belong here. Sucks I know, but you can write a MUCH better story. Kind of need to deal with Ranma the victim before you can have Ranma the Amazon. Not that I'm at all adverse to Ranma the Amazon but you need to move that far more slowly then you do. But a story of Ranma recovering from a rape, being beaten, and reduced to a slave when surrounded by the Amazons might be good. However, there's a lot of complicated issues going on there. That's three MASSIVE psychological blows she has to deal with. You shouldn't just hand wave them away.

2. Your second option and the easier one, but in my opinion in the end far less fufilling, is you change the entire beginning around. Have Ranma be at Jusenkyou while Herb is and she gets locked there. Perhaps a fight with Herb and his retainers and she realizes she can't beat him so she runs and runs into the Amazons then? Realizes she's locked but doesn't have the extra baggage of ever being a sex slave wife. That's not much of a rewrite and you do touch on a few pieces of that trauma in what you have, so perhaps this works better for you. However, I by no means think this is the better way to go for your story in terms of trauma and quality story telling.

Again, it did not get that far because of Ranma's timely escape. Though I concede the possibility it ALMOST happened could cause more trauma than is depicted in the story.

Some specific line comments:

The girl smiled, glad to hear Japanese again,

Who is this? It isn't Ranma. She's not acting anything like Ranma. Now you can say that's because she's been beaten down by the Musk but then she really wouldn't say anything or be incredibly scared and suspicious wouldn't she? Just doesn't feel right at all.

Will re-examine this context.

My memories ain't great right now, but they're gettin' better."

Cheesy. Doesn't work.

Will consdier revising.

The girl exclaimed happily.

Again even in the number two scenario I mentioned above she would not be happy. She's stuck as a girl. She's basically had her entire life fucked up. There is no happy.

Will consider changing the tone.

"Yeah, My name is Saotome Ranma, I am... was... a sixteen year old boy who came to China with my dad, Genma, on a Martial Arts training mission. Though they told us not to, we tried to spar in some cursed spring place. Pop fell into a spring, and I think he turned into a panda, I fell in one and... I guess I became a girl. Pop had read about it in a guidebook. He should have burned that one! Anyways, I woke up in a dungeon of some kind, tied up with a whole bunch of girls. They came by with some kind of bucket, and splashed water on us with some kind of ladle or something, laughing and saying something in Mandarin. One of 'em even knew a little Japanese, and told us we were the property of the Musk Dynasty. I decided I had to get out of that crazy place, but I had t' wait 'til the time was right. That night, when the guards fell asleep, I broke the rope they tied me up with, climbed up the wall of the dungeon to a window, and escaped. After sneaking around for a while, I ran across the valley at the spring place, and ended up here."

Break this up with interjections. Other people talking, questions, etc. This is too much. Imagine giving all of that to someone and not having them ask for anything while you say it. It's too much.

I realise it is a wall of text and could do to be revised.

Anyway, I could give you some more point by points but honestly don't feel like contributing anymore to this forum. As I said in the start of this post, I'm not welcome here. I would be more then happy to give you some more specific comments as I have liked this fic when posted before and certain parts of it but I really do feel it needs work. If you want you can PM me a Google Docs link with it and I'll comment rather expressively there, or you can AIM me at Filiamikosama. Usually on after work starting at 3-4PM. Would be pleased to give you some more comments. To be very clear don't dislike this story. The original is archived on my Kindle which I only do for fics I really do like. I'm just not going to tell you 'this is good' like so many people are here. You can really improve on this and make it rather special, deep, and tell a rather nice story while still hitting all your points here. What follows isn't bad at all for the forthcoming chapters if it's expanded a bit like this was. But imagine how much more powerful all of those pieces would be if you really develop Ranma recovering from all the traumas she sustained before this piece started. This really could be a wonderful character evolution piece. But you need to spend a lot more time on it. And getting it to the point where Ranma gets her confidence back. Like I said would love to talk to you either through comments on this chapter on a Google Docs you post, or through the AIM chat I provided. I just really no longer feel at all comfortable doing it here.

Understood. You gave me some things to think about, though much of the specific scenario you posit did not occur. Though the fact if COULD have is certainly reason for a lot of trauma. I was considering PMing you on fanfiction.net (though about the new "Daughter of Terra" chapter) and using their 'DocX' service for C&C. Might check into 'google docs' too.

Narratively, I have to mostly agree with frice. As much as I like the idea of the story and the relationship you present, the pacing feels off and, once you factor in what supposedly happened in the backstory (at the very least Ranma has to deal with the fact that she's curse-locked, lost a fight badly, and was kidnapped. The implication that Ranma was also about to be sexually assaulted and used as breeding stock should render the poor girl practically catatonic), it definitely feels uneven.

Will reconsider, as I said above. Ranma was not defeated per se, but essentially collateral damage in a pitched battle which erupted during the training exercise. Genma was quite lucky to escape relatively unscathed.

Really the arc of the chapter should be focused on Shampoo helping Ranma work through the trauma, perhaps along the lines to similar stories where Akane aids Ranma after a traumatic event (The Silent Horse is the first one that comes to mind). Of course, what makes the premise stand out is that part of that healing process will be slanted through the lens Amazon norms and social mores. I think the chapter does a decent enough job fleshing out the world of the Nujiezu, though it could always stand to be sketched out more fully.

One way perhaps to alleviate the unevenness is to perhaps give us more detail of the escape beyond the short first scene. How did Ranma find a way out of Musk captivity and, more importantly, what was the impetus (logistical or emotional)? What shocked Ranma out of catatonia and prompted the flight response?

Good suggestions, thank you.
Here is a bit of Genma's perspective that is articulated down the road in my rewrite.

"Bein' worthless to those animals is a GOOD thing!" Ranma smiled at her sister and flashed a victory sign.

"So thats!" Genma burst before falling silent and staring at the floor.

Her sunny smile flipped to a dark frown as Ranma turned to Genma, "So, thats what Saotome-san? I'd like to know what you did besides not find me. Besides a... a.... bandoning me when I really needed you more than ever in my whole life."

Genma looked up into Ranma's eyes, across the table between them. "I camped near the valley for a few days. Doing what searching I could with all the fences and barbed wire. I remember the commotion and seeing a red... a girl in a tattered dress run toward the watch fires. But how could I..."

"How could you what? Know that girl was your child? Anyways, I guess it was lose lose for you. If I WAS me... there's that agreement. And if I wasn't me... well, I was still gone." Her gaze narrowed. "I bet you decided to run then. You could say you searched for days, but didn't wanna risk the little extra it would have taken to find it was me and realize we were in trouble with mom." Ranma didn't know whether to laugh or cry when her father looked down.

I guess this one goes back to the drawing board again. Thanks all for your suggestions.

[Spokavriel]

On the examination thing all it takes is breaking from the Ranma centric perspective that you seem to try to lock to in this story. Ranma almost certainly got seen by a healer after Shampoo "Rescued" her in the run from the Musk. That healer would have told at least Cologne about her condition and been able to tell that that particular act had not happened.

Reading the Frice comment
But a Traumatic thing that would be needed, IMO, for her to actually escape and realize what the worst thing she is escaping from would entail, involves her watching someone else forceably raped, before making her break from the citadel. Knowing that was happening and was certainly planned for her, due to situational parallels, is extremely traumatic in its self for Ranma. And it would not help the whole acceptance of being female thing.

Imagine the nightmares and the emphasis on girls being weak with Ranma's first experience being a woman involving her being witness to women, clearly weaker than the Musk Men, that she was completely incapable of helping because of being knocked silly and restrained. Evidence the cut on her head.

That alone is bad enough, she could even be suppressing the worse parts, because for Ranma that is bad enough IMO for all of this.

Reading your omnibus reply
Thinking back on the language thing. It is never once pointed out when anyone is speaking Chinese and its actually in quotes. We either get Musk language or Mandarin and nothing about what was actually said because of the Ranma perspective near lock down. Just let the Amazons comment on her in the day before she can eat with us the audience getting to know what is said about her.

I never saw Frice's comments as "Destructive criticism" but I do believe I commented on the "I'm the only one who can be right" tone many have taken in the past. If there were a way to change the -this must change or its worthless- feel comments took in the past I don't think people would complain about them.

[khammel]

On the examination thing all it takes is breaking from the Ranma centric perspective that you seem to try to lock to in this story. Ranma almost certainly got seen by a healer after Shampoo "Rescued" her in the run from the Musk. That healer would have told at least Cologne about her condition and been able to tell that that particular act had not happened.

Interesting you mention perspective. I have a fair amount of exposition by Shampoo and Genma in chapter 5.

SPOILER - Show Spoiler

Finally, guests and Tendous gathered downstairs. Ranma was flanked by her sister and daughter. Nodoka sat next to her grand daughter. The three Tendou sisters sat together, and the two patriarchs sat separately.

After everyone was seated, Nabiki asked the question that was on the mind of most Tendous. "So Ranma, why are we engaged to a girl?"

"Well, I wasn't born one. But still, I've been one for almost three years now."

Nabiki gave Ranma a questioning look, before sarcastically asking, "Tell me another one, Saotome. You look just like your mom and you don't change with hot water."

Ranma looked down. She didn't want to cry. She wasn't going to cry.

Genma spoke up, "Like I said a while ago. The boy and I trained at Jusenkyou. There were signs and fences warning not to enter. But I insisted we go in anyway. It was the last of a bunch a mistakes I made in the boy's training."

Nabiki interrupted, "We heard that part of the story, Saotome-san. The two of you sparred, a battle broke out. And you lost track of Ranma in the confusion."

Shampoo spoke up, "Saotome-san, you picked the worst day possible to train there. Once a year, the Musk bring their bridal candidates to the Spring of Drowned Girl. We amazons always march out to prevent the enslavement of more women."

"Who are these Musk?" Kasumi asked.

"I'll tell ya about 'em and what happened to me, " Ranma replied. "They're a bunch a men who make wives using the spring of drowned girl on animals. I remember changing, and getting freaked out abut my chest. They prob'ly took advantage of my... umm.. distraction and clocked me good."

Genma interrupted, "I fell into a spring and became a panda. So I was pretty distracted myself. But since all the fighting was over another spring and all those women, I was able to sneak off."

Ranma looked thoughtful. "You know... you're lucky they didn't wanna panda for a bride, Saotome san. Who knows what woulda happened if they'd dunked ya in?"

Genma turned white at just the first possibility that came to mind.

Ranma smirked at her small victory then continued, "So they took me like the rest of their animal brides. Musta' hauled all of us to their fortress. When I came to, I was in a dungeon. Wearing a pink dress like the rest of the girls. We were all tied together by ropes around our wrists and ankles. So we could get up, but not really move very far. Unless I could talk to the other girls, but they all just looked really confused. I guess 'cause they were animals before. Anyways, a bunch a warriors come in. Probably three times as many as us girls. They used water from the Chisuiton on us and laughed and joked in Mandarin."

"Chisuiton?" Kasumi asked.

Ranma turned away from Kasumi to stare at her father, "That's the magic ladle they use to lock curses. So their brides don't change with hot water."

Both fathers faces turned ashen. Nabiki's smirk vaporized. Since Kasumi had asked the question, Ranma turned back to her. Their eyes locked for a second and Ranma sensed real compassion that made her feel a little better. Shampoo noticed Kasumi's reaction and mentally put a tally by the name 'Kasumi' in her little book of potential mates for Ranma.

Ranma waved her right hand and cleared her throat. "Back to my story. One even told us we were property of the Musk Dynasty in Japanese. And other languages I couldn't understand. 'cept a little English. Right then, I decided I was gonna get outa there. I was really really mad. But also pretty scared. And for sure I wasn't dumb enough to try to fight off all those men. 'Specially since i was a girl."

Akane looked cross, "Hey! whats wrong with girls?"

Nabiki retrieved her smirk and shook her head.

Ranma looked askance but continued, "Absolutely nothing. Though some of us are a little too short. Anyway, I watched the other girls and tried to act like 'em. Eventually the men left."

Ranma took a moment to smile, "So, when the other girls were sleeping, I broke my two ropes and climbed up the stone wall. Little pieces of stones and stuff sticking out made it easier. There was a tiny window I was able to squeeze through. I hopped down to the ground and started picking my way down the slope. Pretty soon, I heard a lot of noise from the fortress. So I hid in a crack between two rocks and made myself even smaller. I was just scared for a while. They searched for a long time. When they went back up the hill, I finished climbing down and ran." Ranma concluded, looking to her sister.

Shampoo picked up the story, "So, that night I was at the watch fires. Warriors like Shampoo... me work shifts so the fires, and the valley entrance to our village, is always guarded. There was a big noise on the other side of Jusenkyou. A bride had actually escaped the Musk fortress and was running toward us. Several of us ran out to protect her."

Shampoo glanced at Rama and saw a smile of pure love and gratitude. She smiled and flushed a bit before continuing. "She'd run so hard she collapsed at our feet. By then, Musk had all charged out of their fortress to get her back. It was pretty much a standoff. I grabbed the girl and hauled her back to our village like a fresh kill. Took a glancing blow from a Musk spear doing it. The Musk finally retreated. I guess once there was a cost to getting back the girl, they decided she wasn't worth it." She turned to Ranma, "Sorry, sister."

"Bein' worthless to those animals is a GOOD thing!" Ranma smiled at Shampoo and flashed a victory sign.

"So thats!" Genma burst before falling silent and staring at the floor.

Her sunny smile flipped to a dark frown as Ranma turned to Genma, "So, thats what Saotome-san? I'd like to know what you did besides not find me. Besides a... a... bandoning me when I really needed you more than ever in my whole life."

Genma looked up into Ranma's eyes, across the table between them. He felt Nodoka's scorn burn a hole in his chest. "I found the guide, who told me about how curses work and used hot water on me. I camped near the valley for the night, thought my pack... our packs were gone. Did what searching I could with all the fences and barbed wire. I remember the commotion and seeing a red... a girl in a pink dress run toward the watch fires. But how could I..."

"How could you what? Know that girl was your kid? Your son? Anyways, I guess it was lose lose for you. If I WAS me... there's that agreement. And if I wasn't me... well, I was still gone." Her gaze narrowed. "I bet you decided to run then. You could say you searched for a while, but didn't wanna risk the little extra it would have taken to find it was me and realize we were in trouble with mom." Ranma didn't know whether to laugh or cry when her father looked down.

"Ranma was the first girl ever to escape. In all the centuries we've been fighting the Musk." Shampoo flatly added. She gave Ranma a proud smile and a supportive hand squeeze.

"Wow, " was all Nabiki could say.

"How did the two of you become Sisters, Ranma?" Kasumi asked.

"I carried Ranma to my Great Grandmother's house. Ranma had dry blood from two sores on her head. She was filthy and her hair had a lot of dry blood. A healer came and washed Ranma's hair with a hmm... a sleeping helper. We peeled the Musk dress off Ranma and I carried her to the baths. With healer's help, us made her very clean then dry. Then I massaged some oil into her so she smelled nice. I put a bathrobe on her and tucked her into the bed in Great Grandmother's room for guests. Later, I dressed her in some old clothes of mine, a pantsuit and some underwear. Then the bathrobe and tucked her in bed again."

"Thanks, Shampoo, " A blushing Ranma replied. "I never knew it was you who did all that. The robe and clothes were really nice to have on when I woke up. I never liked that dress, and it was in pretty bad shape after I escaped."

"At that time I only knew you were bravest Musk bride ever. But that still made it a great great honor for... me. I left Ranma in Great Grandmother's care after that."

"Then, I woke up a few times and had a real hard time..." Ranma started to reply unable to finish.

"Tell them, Ranma, I'll help you. But I don't think you'll need it, little sister." Shampoo encouraged.

"Right. Well, Cologne had some new clothes made for me to wear around the village, since all I had was that pretty awful and torn up dress. Shampoo and I went to the tailor's to get some measurements. Just imagine what was goin' through my head. I'd been told for years girls were weak, silly, stupid, distracted men from the art, could't do martial arts, and all sorts of other junk." Ranma closed her eyes for a moment.

Genma grimaced at each item on Ranma's list.

Ranma continued, focusing again on Kasumi, "Now here I am, looking at the bare chest of a girl for the first time in my life... and it was my chest in the mirror. I can't even say how much I hated myself right then. Plus, I thought my life was over because I just knew girls couldn't do martial Arts. And that was all I really knew how to do. But Shampoo was there for me. It was hard on her and hard on me. It was hard just to want to keep going to be honest. Hard to want to keep living since I wasn't a man anymore. But finally, with Shampoo's help, I decided I wanted to live and decided I was okay with my body. Not that I really had a choice in being... having a girl's body. I sorta realized that what makes me 'Ranma' is really my heart and soul ... my memories, not my body. But that didn't really make me a girl the way you are guys are."

Shampoo smiled proudly at her sister. Those were tough times, but they had both emerged stronger from them.

"Since the three of us are supposed to be your fiancees, I have to ask... How do you feel about yourself now, Ranma?" Nabiki questioned.

"I'll tell you after we are done, because I have more to talk about, okay?"

"Sure Ranma. But don't expect to dodge it. I think it's as important to you as us that you can answer that one."

Ranma continued, "Anyway, because Shampoo's Great Grandmother was a leader of the village, she pulled some strings and was able to offer me a place in their tribe as Shampoo's sister. By that time I had come to love Shampoo so much, she already had that place in my heart. It was pretty easy to agree to make it official in the eyes of the tribe. In fact I got the dress I wore when I came today as a gift from the tribe to wear at the ceremony where I ascended to a warrior's role. I only own two other dresses. And both of them mean a lot to me too." She turned to Nabiki, "and I'm sure YOU would like to see both of them, Nabiki-chan."

"Touche, Ranma-chan. And yes. I would. But only with you're wearing 'em. And one at a time, please." Nabiki concluded with a smirk.

Ranma smiled. And Shampoo decided to put a tally by Nabiki's name in her imaginary little book.

Ranma looked thoughtful, "Hmm... I guess I should get some clothes so I can give Nabiki her fashion show, okay? Since you guys already saw the one dress I got from the village, maybe I can explain the rest of my trip wearing the dress or clothing I picked up there."

"I'll prepare some refreshments, while Ranma-san is getting ready." Kasumi said as she headed to the kitchen.

"Could I come with you, Kasumi-san?" Shampoo asked, "I'd like help. Plus it would be interesting to see a modern, Japanese kitchen."

"Of course, Shampoo-chan. I can always use help and would love to show you around the kitchen." Kasumi said as she got up with a smile, followed by Shampoo.

Ranma and Sakura raced upstairs to Kasumi's room collect clothing. They were followed by Nabiki.

***

After an hour or so, the story telling had finally wound down. Finally everyone had at least a basic understanding of the story. Shampoo, Nodoka, and Sakura had gone shopping. Ranma had begged off, citing her need to talk to her fiancees alone. Soun and Genma decided to play Shogi.

It was just the four of them now back in the Tendou dojo. Ranma and her theoretical fiancees all sat in a rough square.

Nabiki started things off with the question that had been on her mind for a while, "Okay, Ranma. Could you please tell us how you feel about yourself now?"

Ranma closed her eyes and folded her hands. Taking a long breath, she tried to find what she wanted to say. She'd already had an hour to ponder in the back of her mind, and a few minutes to focus on it. Nabiki was right, after all. This was important to Ranma herself, and her three fiancees.

Ranma's look became thoughtful and composed, her eyes still closed, "I'm not gonna bag on dad too much, but I never even thought about that for my whole life. 'Til I escaped from the Musk in China. All I ever wanted to be the best at martial arts. What happiness I really had came from those moments after I had proven myself... again... and again and... And, a'course my dad was filling my head with all this junk about girls."

"Well, Ranma," Nabiki interjected, "He was probably trying to, in his own unique way, make sure that stupid Seppuku agreement was honored. I can see how it almost killed you, Ranma-chan. Just from all the garbage your dad put in you head."

Ranma opened her eyes and looked straight at Nabiki, "Course I never knew about that agreement. But, you're right... all that stuff in my head basically told me my life was pretty much done when I got locked as a girl." Closing her eyes again, Ranma continued. "But, ya know, no matter all the junk I had to put up with, I got my life back. I took my life back from the Musk, those bandits, and even all those lessons on how dumb or weak girls were. And I took it back in THIS body." Her eyes opened as she pointed to herself.

Nabiki "So you sort of feel that, this is your body your because of all you did on your own in it?"

Ranma smiled and opened her eyes, "Yep, that's how I feel. But it's hard to put into words." She bowed her head, "I'm so sorry. I still think girls are cute. I guess I'm too much of a man, but not enough of a man to want to give up this body, because... I dunno what to say, sorry 'bout that."

Akane's pervert alarm blared in her head. But, this was not a normal situation so she really wasn't sure if the calibration was really correct when it came to Ranma. And she knew it was easy to feel for the girl. So she wouldn't punish her... at least not yet.

Kasumi spoke up, "What about a cure for the lock Ranma? Shampoo mentioned a teapot that could unlock the curse. That way you could still have the body you like most of the time, but could sometimes, be a man for your wife."

Ranma looked genuinely surprised, "To be honest, I haven't thought about unlocking my form in years. The kettle is lost, probably in Japan, that's all anybody really knows." Her gaze became much harder, eyes narrowing as she continued, "But, I love my daughter more than any thoughts on marriage. Heck, I love Sakura-chan more than myself. Though I DO love myself now. As a mom, a really good martial artist. And... I gotta say... as... a child... son... daughter, now that I can finally be one for mom," Ranma stopped for a few moments, gathering thoughts.

Three pairs of eyes were on Ranma as she continued, "Anyways. I want my own daughter to be grown up enough to where she can honestly give me permission. And understand what's gonna happen to me. I can't abandon her or EVER let her get taken away. Even if it means I'll live my life alone. 'Cause, really, I'll never be alone. I've got my daughter." She could not keep tears away as she continued, "Sakura-chan already lost both her parents. I can't take her mom away from her 'til I'm sure she's ready for that. I think you three girls can understand where I'm coming from too."

Nabiki looked at Ranma, "Thanks, Ranma-chan. I know how hard this is for you to even think about. And it's gonna be a real sacrifice on your part IF you ever... if you ever CAN accept that curse again. I know I wouldn't want to take a male curse like you would have to... just to marry you. And I really don't feel I can ask you to violate yourself like that... to give up control of your form... just for my... our benefit. The kettle is a last resort, as far as I'm concerned. Or it might not even BE a resort. Besides, having kids isn't very high on my list of things to achieve in my life."

Well, I've already got one, Nabiki-san. So raising my daughter to be a strong adult, who can make her own decisions based on truth and not lies. That's my top goal."

Kasumi could't help a slight flush as she spoke, "That's a nice goal, Ranma-san. I don't think any mother could have more important one."

Akane decided to ignore her pervert alarm with respect to Ranma, at least for a few years.

As can be seen, I already have a healer administer what Shampoo calls a 'sleeping helper'... a shampoo that knocks Ranma out so she can be bathed and her wounds cleansed. It would be easy, and logical, to add that examination. Cologne can mention the examination in the revised scene.

Back to perspective, the story is called 'On Her Own' for a reason and does not deviate from Ranma's point of view very much.

Reading the Frice comment
But a Traumatic thing that would be needed, IMO, for her to actually escape and realize what the worst thing she is escaping from would entail, involves her watching someone else forceably raped, before making her break from the citadel. Knowing that was happening and was certainly planned for her, due to situational parallels, is extremely traumatic in its self for Ranma. And it would not help the whole acceptance of being female thing.

Imagine the nightmares and the emphasis on girls being weak with Ranma's first experience being a woman involving her being witness to women, clearly weaker than the Musk Men, that she was completely incapable of helping because of being knocked silly and restrained. Evidence the cut on her head.

That alone is bad enough, she could even be suppressing the worse parts, because for Ranma that is bad enough IMO for all of this.

The physical damage occurred in the melle at the springs. Changing into a girl in the pool where animals are being dunked to that same end is... a bad thing. And there was a lot of confusion caused by open battle. I go into some detail in this morning's revision of Episode 5.

I do not want to explicitly depict the act you suggest, however. I guess a particularly exotic bride could be hauled out of the room and returned disheveled and bloody a while later. That would have immediate impact. And would probably cause a breakdown when Cologne spels out what the Musk want to do, and Ranma realizes what happened to that poor bride. She might think on how it could have been her.

Reading your omnibus reply
Thinking back on the language thing. It is never once pointed out when anyone is speaking Chinese and its actually in quotes. We either get Musk language or Mandarin and nothing about what was actually said because of the Ranma perspective near lock down. Just let the Amazons comment on her in the day before she can eat with us the audience getting to know what is said about her.

Interesting thought. I am torn whether to have the exposition here or in Episode 5, however. Since I did add a bit of scheming by Cologne in this go-round, I might consider what you suggest in regard to a discussion about Ranma. She would be in the room, in the scene, just totally out of it. More as a prop than participant.

I never saw Frice's comments as "Destructive criticism" but I do believe I commented on the "I'm the only one who can be right" tone many have taken in the past. If there were a way to change the -this must change or its worthless- feel comments took in the past I don't think people would complain about them.

I only make changes that seem reasonable to me personally, as you know. But, so far, I have been very happy how things have turned out... when I can finally address all the legitimate concerns.

[frice2000]

Though I realize 'dialogue' is probably not possible in this instance (I do not expect a return post)

Eh. One more, but this'll be it here.

Ranma Totally snaps, develops amnesia, and is rebuilt as the Amazon warrior Rinse.

If I remember correctly though isn't there some Amazon mind manipulations implied in that story? Ranma is a pretty strong character. I think even if you have Ranma experience all of that she'd still be strong enough to come through. Scarred, different, and traumatized yes. But still him/herself in the ways that really matter. Honestly, if you want it to be a response to that story isn't it more interesting to have your Ranma experience the same level of trauma and come out of it in a healthier way and still be herself? If you're trying for a bit of rejection of the elements of that story then the same kind of starting point isn't a bad thing. Of course you might draw some comparisons to Her War in that case. But that story was much more laser focused on the torture, at least to date, rather then the dealing with the aftermath.

She was probably captive less than 24 hours. Her bruising etc occurred at the springs themselves, in the pitched battle, not in the fortress. I could add some sort of examination that would show she was not umm... assaulted I guess. That could alleviate at least some trauma.

Ok, that's a bit different then what I expected. Thought she was captive for at least a few days or weeks. Still, think the whole getting locked as a girl, being easily defeated and probably chained up with a bunch of other new women, most of whom either wouldn't speak her language or any language, would have a pretty big effect on her personality to start here. She'd be much more distrusting, much less open, and much less happy. I do think he's got a strong enough character to recover however, it'd take time. And there wasn't any in your scenario. So she has to deal with the whole, "I'm a girl" thing still. Add in to that she just got beaten in a fight probably pretty casually and her whole self-confidence has probably taken a massive hit. Probably would think her girl form was weak and couldn't fight at all. Would take awhile to get over that if this happened right after she was cursed. Would probably be bitter about it. Like, 'If I was a man at the time I could've beaten them.' Kind of thing. And that would keep her bitter for some time about her new gender. Can't fix that quickly if you want to do it naturally.

Might check into 'google docs' too.

Really should. Excellent service. If you write fics in Word just save it as a DOC file and upload it to Google Docs at http://drive.google.com . If you have a GMail, Youtube, Google Plus account, etc. you already have access. It'll convert the files into its format and allows for excellent threaded commenting right in context of what you're talking about, being able to see in real time the edits taking place, and even a little chat feature. Also easy to export the creation into any format you want so it's not like it's locked in there. If you do just again PM me the link to it. It'll be under share on the top of the document window.

Genma was quite lucky to escape relatively unscathed.

That was always my other problem with the story. I know Genma can be a pretty easy villain in Ranma fics and come across as pretty callous. But I do think he really cares about his son/daughter. Yes, he's done some stupid things but losing his son would likely be devastating for him. He'd search and search. More then you had in the chapters here before. Would he be able to deal with a stuck never to change back female Ranma, who was almost raped, lost some confidence, and was taken to be a sex slave (however little the Musk made progress doing so), probably not very well. I do think he'd try though. Ranma means a lot to him. Really his entire life for the last sixteen years has revolved around him. You do link a part from chapter 5 but I think that wasn't enough effort from Genma's part. And with Jusenkyo and understanding some of its mechanics might even think to look for animals and such too. Could really make his search and their reunion far sadder that way. Even if you want to take the super negative characterization that he doesn't care about Ranma at all as anything other then a meal ticket then he should still be concerned, and expend much more effort and time in the search.

I don't subscribe to that characterization myself, but he should play a bigger part in this piece earlier then you originally did. A good scene in my mind would be Genma coming to the village and seeing Ranma and not recognizing her, since you know red head girl dressed likely totally differently and all. Perhaps Ranma wants to call out to him and sees that he's obviously desperately searching for his son. But she feels so ashamed at the body she is in and what she experienced that she doesn't say anything to him and he moves on. And this would haunt her til she sees him again, and make their reunion I at least think more realistic and layered.

But a Traumatic thing that would be needed, IMO, for her to actually escape and realize what the worst thing she is escaping from would entail, involves her watching someone else forceably raped, before making her break from the citadel. Knowing that was happening and was certainly planned for her, due to situational parallels, is extremely traumatic in its self for Ranma.

I agree that would be quite a good scene to see. More with the Musk before she escaped would be very valuable, even if that's just told in a flashback once she's stuck with the Amazons. But yeah I think khammel's response to this suggestion with just making it implied and her getting what happened by what the victim they do choose comes back like would work better. Perhaps expanding on that a little she hides a bit behind some others since many were probably just animals and really not be able to comprehend what is going on. So they take someone else in the front and Ranma has to live with the fact that she kind of doomed someone else to that fate. Excellent motivation and development point for her to keep being guilty about later. Also further shows 'weakness' which really seems like it could be a theme here.

Imagine the nightmares and the emphasis on girls being weak

That isn't there. Else canon Ranma wouldn't have fought Shampoo very close to right after she got the curse, taken Cologne seriously, taken Herb seriously, taken threats like Kiima seriously, etc. She doesn't fight a girl like Akane which she can tell from their first spar she totally outclasses because she's likely pretty concerned about hurting her. Does he have some degree of wariness to hurting women? Of course he does. But this girls are weak thing isn't as big a thing as you're making it out to be. Is that kind of thought in a bit of a sexist Ranma's mind? Yes. But did she probably encounter some really strong female martial artists, priestesses, or something along those lines in his training and growing up? Most assuredly did considering the weirdness of his life.

but I do believe I commented on the "I'm the only one who can be right" tone many have taken in the past. If there were a way to change the -this must change or its worthless- feel comments took in the past I don't think people would complain about them

. Perhaps part of my more acerbic tone comes from the fact that I most often comment on non-fiction documents, books, and articles from colleagues or others in my field, where challenging material is part of the process. My grammar sucks, and if an English teacher tells me yeah Frank you fucked up on this write it this way I do because they have that knowledge and skill which I lack. However, I NEVER told someone you MUST change this or your a failure and I hate you and this sucks, which you're seeming to imply. I provide suggestion and perspective on what I think would work better. The only times I've basically said this pretty much must be changed is when you're talking about lengthy clothes porn sequences in some of Temple's work, or basically trying to make Crescent grow a little bit in his writing and make something a bit more complex. And the other forum I 'got in trouble in' was when Ozzallos basically just ignores a thought out argument I tried to provide. THAT PISSES ME OFF. At least engage and discuss why you think your idea is better if you post something for comments and suggestions. I apologize for trying to challenge and make writers evolve and tell a more in depth story. I think it's a tragedy when someone has a good concept but doesn't take the time to develop it better, or in the case of many keep writing the same story with the same themes over and over again. That's why I comment on these stories. I try to make people better. And if telling them something should be changed does it I do. If they are solidly behind what they have written I say, 'Ok' and just think they are wrong, but provide comments on the other material. I may challenge on a couple points if I feel really strongly but isn't that kind of the point of this? If you think that's destructive then I don't think you understand the point of this, or posting on a message board like this one in the first place. It can be used to fix little things, but it's far better used to fix the larger things and make a marginal story good, or a good story great. If authors don't want to be challenged and don't want these kinds of comments then don't post them onto a message board like this one. I'm sorry but I thought the whole point of this was to provide Comments and Criticism. But I guess I'm wasting my time when what I'm supposed to be providing is grammar, spelling, and good job and pats on the back with some quick little suggestions when there's more I could provide.

[Spokavriel]

Spokavriel wrote:Imagine the nightmares and the emphasis on girls being weak


That isn't there. Else canon Ranma wouldn't have fought Shampoo very close to right after she got the curse, taken Cologne seriously, taken Herb seriously, taken threats like Kiima seriously, etc. She doesn't fight a girl like Akane which she can tell from their first spar she totally outclasses because she's likely pretty concerned about hurting her. Does he have some degree of wariness to hurting women? Of course he does. But this girls are weak thing isn't as big a thing as you're making it out to be. Is that kind of thought in a bit of a sexist Ranma's mind? Yes. But did she probably encounter some really strong female martial artists, priestesses, or something along those lines in his training and growing up? Most assuredly did considering the weirdness of his life.

I was saying that as a perspective gained from what was witnessed in the Citadel not based on fannon.

Edit:

I apologize for trying to challenge and make writers evolve and tell a more in depth story.

Why in the world would there be any reason to apologize for that? As I said it was tone and presentation that I ever had a problem with. Nothing more. And it mostly hasn't ever been my problem and I have trouble seeing how others have problems beyond that point.

[khammel]

General reply:
My intent is that "On Her Own" is not a 'response' to "Amazons", but a heart felt hommage to that incomplete story.
Looking at the 2008 date for "Her War"... which I have not read... I can honestly say my story was written (perhaps poorly) 10 years earlier.
I will add the suggested scene with the bride who is taken away for offscreen use, and returned worse for wear. I am toying with the idea that Ranma either rescues the victim or 'almost' rescues her and fails. (more angst/guilt/proof of weakness)
I am really intrigued about the concept Genma showing up with Ranma in the village as well. it would be really interesting (and could possibly even be milked for comedy) if it was when Ranma was working as a waitress with Shampoo.
Or Ranma could play "No Japanee" and ignore him.
Or play even mute.
Or she could confront him and find him unwilling to accept her preposterous tale (not likely).
Again, thanks for everyone's input. When I rewrite version 3, I will probably post to google docs before here.

[ckosacranoid]

I do have to say that I do have to say that I agree with some of the comments about doing some rewritting of the first chapter a bit. Expanding how ranma escapes and what causes her to run would be a god idea. I think that ranma would also take a week or two to come to terms with what happened and this does lead to some comey effects of someone giving her the talk though....
the other effect of genma comeing to the village and causing mischilf could be rather amsuing like meybe almost getting a new wife...
also showing moose early on in that month would also help set the stage for later on with him and if nothing else you could mix him in with the genma showing up trouble.
I can see the need to expand how ranma deals with what happened and it would take some time, not just a day or two. Also showing a little bit more detail in her escape would also help also.