The Return ch14

[Sunshine Temple]

This time I'm trying something new...
the chapter can be read Here

[Sailor Sedai (Ellf)]

First off, Great Chapter, and about damn time you released it. I only noticed one thing, you mislabeled it at the end, you put End Chapter 13 at the very end of the document.

[Metroidvania]

Here are a few things...Since the chapter is humongous, I'll break up the C&C into sections.....

Willard International Consulting Cadet, Kuno

I believe no comma should be there, unless you're giving her (kodachi) a first name in that sentence.

Nabiki sighed. "If you don't want me to get a pink hog just tell me."

Interesting take on trying to re-assert Nabiki into the equation.....

Nariko only called her Mommy now when she wanted something.

Is Nariko maturing a little bit, or is that just me?

Pity marked Nariko's face as it loomed over her sister's. "You're a terrible agent."
"Whorish bitch!" Kodachi spat.

Hmm, nice to see some of the same rivalry of Kodachi and Nariko....it makes the story that much more real, or relatable to canon for those who otherwise might get turned off.

"Good eye, Red," Kasumi smirked as she held Kodachi's sidearm in her hands. "Our cadet here is still more in the academic part of her training. She needs more field experience."

Hmm, I know Kasumi's done it before, but is there a reason for her calling Ranma "Red"? It seems a little derogatory....

Ranma should have expected this. She remembered another introverted succubus that got out of her shell... when around the right personalities.

I was noticing the similarities as well....Also, nice bit with Kodachi thinking this was another test.
The bit with Ukyo wondering about hair color and intelligence is kind of random, but it's small enough to not detract from the flow....

"The Path of Will shall prevent your reign of ice," Peclet stated, his voice wavering

Interesting.....it seems this group, Path of the Will, is quite different from the Church Aurora was stationed in.....
Hm, I wonder why the sudden realization for Usagi, and how it ties into the story.....

I think she's uniquely qualified to talk," Mercury remarked.

I like the fact that Mercury's remaining calm throughout all of this, trying to keep the book of prophecies safe, and also attempting to defuse the situation.....

Ranma crouched down. "Did you ever kill an innocent to make this Crystal City just happen? You know, break a few eggs to make your omelet?"
"No." Moon wiped her nose, now runny with both snot and blood. "I never," she said with more strength and indignation

Interesting point on the whole Crystal Tokyo aspirations, but I think Usagi wasn't finished talking after she said "never". Perhaps a HAVE or a WILL......

"I went too far." Moon stared off into the distance. "I know! I was influenced!"

Why would Moon assume posession so quickly? In the past, or at least canon past, she's been the only one to resist posession/brainwashing, at least to some regard......

[Metroidvania]

The whole scene with Ranma and Usagi's shock is very well done, and Ranma's memories definitely help, at least to some degree....interesting to bring back the DarkStar aspect, as it made me wonder how she got reincarnated in the same time period as the Senshi in the first place......
Hmm, I sense infighting with the Assembly of Man and Path of the Will to soon occur.....
Odd how the remnants of the "Rosetta Stone" seem to have elements that can stop Moon's powers....and the prophecy that seems to be added in....

"I guess this is why Sunshine's like that," Minako noted.
"Her name's Ranma," Usagi said a bit sharply.

Is Usagi defensive because Ranma just helped her out?

"They're comrades," Ami stated. She knew that the Company could be watching them this very moment. Setsuna assured them that the magic she was using could beat any surveillance WIC tried... but Ami was starting to lose her faith in that kind of magic.

Also nice to know that Ami, the realist, is losing a little of her blind faith in magic.....
And the Senshi FINALLY admitting this was over their heads is good, because now they'll be a little better prepared for it.....(hopefully)

"That means that..." Setsuna stopped in shock. "Serenity was always very fond of her," she finally admitted. Usagi was right, she (and Murdock) had been played, after a fashion, by the Queen.

Any other plans the Dead Queen Serenity left for Pluto or the Senshi?

"I haven't really thought about it. Why?" Ranma asked.

Pure Ranma in that sentence.....
Genma seems to be pretty depressed, and I enjoy having all the characters having at least a little screen time.....

It was a test, Akane," Nariko said. "To see if Mom could control herself or fall into mindless lust."

Interesting section. My eyebrow raised as I read the beginning. Kasumi's still testing Ranma after all this time....either she's warming to Ranma, or is merely testing to make sure she isn't going berserk.....

Ranma's senses where overwhelmed, the presence of BlackSky impacted her. She could feel the pressure and nearly tangible form of the elder succubus' power. The presence quickly retreated, dying down to a reasonable level. Instead of a void, Ranma sensed a succubus that was only a few times greater in power than her

Whoa! What's the company going to think of Blacksky......especially if she's more powerful than Ranma at this point.....

"She promised me she'd bring you back. Took her long enough," BlackSky grumbled. "So who's Usagi?"

Ah, so _that's_ why BlackSky didn't conquer it personally....but relying on Serenity, (whom BlackSky doesn't really seem to care for) for so long seems a little out of sorts.....
At least BlackSky isn't intent on seperating Ranma and Nodoka....the little scene was heartwarming, without approaching tacky or overly WAFFY.

"You thought Serenity had betrayed you?" Nabiki asked.
"She turned out to be a lousy mother, what reason did I have to trust her?"

Well, that answers my earlier question, as I suppose Serenity wasn't thinking the most clearly, even if she was rumored to like DarkStar.

"Some people like staying human." BlackSky knew that any real relationship her granddaughter would require her partner to become demonic.

Why is that? Life longevity, or just mental compatability issues?
I wonder just how big BlackSky's brood is......Nice to know the Company's remaining reasonable about things....

"Even a stopped clock is right twice a day. They put doubt into Miss Tsukino's mind. She's no longer certain that she's the good guy."
"It's a good thing we don't have to worry about that," Stillwater chuckled

I retract my former statement....ditz or not, Usagi's got enough power with the crystal to do some serious damage before she could get taken down.....Is the company really that deluded with the Senshi?
A potential concern is with BlackSky's potential Mary Sue-ness......I know she hasn't fought at all, but if she's got several more times more power than Ranma, she's got to be approached carefully, or have Ranma and the scouts go to Eternal, (or beyond that) form. You're probably aware of this, but I thought it might be wise to be put out there.

Recent scans have detected slight Pattern anomalies in your kids," Nodoka reminded.
Ranma nodded. "I was thinking of them nursing Pattern Silver energy from me."
"Pattern Silver?" BlackSky asked then thought for a second. "Ahh I see, clever name. Yes that could work."

Hmm, didn't see this one coming. Obviously, it could make Ranma much weaker, the exception being if the magical energy replenishes itself, but either way, it's not likely to be an overnight thing.....
Hmm, quite a bit of plot revelations revealed over a meal.......certainly a different tactic than most fics.....a little odd, but I like it.

"Thank you, Sir. I know BlackSky encouraged you to come but it was good having you here tonight."
"This job isn't without its perks," Jacob smirked

Hmm, potential romance with Jacob and Nodoka? Genma doesn't seem to be too concerned with Nodoka, so I guess it's a possibility....
All in all, excellent chapter. Plot revelations are revealed, more secrets are brought to light, a nice blend to keep people interested and waiting for the next chapter.
Keep up the excellent work.

[Pale Wolf]

Why would Moon assume posession so quickly? In the past, or at least canon past, she's been the only one to resist posession/brainwashing, at least to some regard......

She doesn't think she's possessed, she's bullshitting to avoid responsibility for what she did, and how she felt. She doesn't want that to have been her, so she seeks out alternate explanations.

Path of the Will to soon occur.....

Assembly's most likely, but... Usagi pretty much slaughtered the Path's upper command structure there.

but relying on Serenity, (whom BlackSky doesn't really seem to care for) for so long seems a little out of sorts.....

Well, demons not having any way of bringing people back from the dead would do it...
Wasn't so much a matter of 'want' to trust her, as it was 'she's the only option for that result'.

[Alathon]

An enjoyable read, as this story as always been. A few things stuck out to me as feeling off, but otherwise characterization was solid and believable, and interesting things happened.
Your characterization of Kodachi was a bit of a stretch, but was saved by her cattiness and the vitriol she spread around. Without that, she woulda felt like a cookie cutter WIC character.
The Path of the Will conflict was interesting, but I can't help but feel that a group like that should have been capable of more. If they're smart enough to successfully research Silver Millenium energy manipulation techniques, and sufficiently ruthless to kill random shoppers to draw out the Silver Demon, they really should have had something better than shotguns to deal with her. High explosives and neurotoxins spring to mind, and both of these can be acquired readily enough by an organization such as the Path of the Will.
"Eh, they're your kills." was a great line.
The bit with the cop after the scene was a good coda, and did a good job of seperating very different scenes.
I was glad to see Usagi taken to task for her general whininess over killing people who were killing other people just for the opportunity to try to kill her.
The 'Hotaru sharpening her glaive' scene was amusing... and Usa's dialog was interesting, since it hints that either she knew all along what was going down in the present, or is changing to remember something different than she used to. Though we haven't really seen enough of her to know that.
Hotaru choosing to describe Usagi as Usa's mother was odd.. in fact, her entire mode of speech in that sentence felt off.
Reading the Genma/Soun/Drake scene, I finally put my figure on something that's been bothering me for a while... there isn't a single genuinely good man in this entire story. The closest we get are the WIC stiffs, who are on the right side but are not terribly moral... and the rest are either lousy human beings or enemies. I'm not sure that this is actually a flaw in the story, but it does irk me a bit, when juxtaposed with all the motherhood worship.
The flirting/testing between Kasumi and DarkStar feels a little off, because unless a lot of time was supposed to have passed over the last couple chapters, it seems their relationship has changed dramatically very quickly.

"Even a stopped clock is right twice a day. They put doubt into Miss Tsukino's mind. She's no longer certain that she's the good guy."
"It's a good thing we don't have to worry about that," Stillwater chuckled

Metroid, I think what Stillwater is saying is that they don't have to worry about being the good guy. Their organization is not founded on moral principles, but rather around the survival of the Human race, which is not an inherently moral goal, just an overriding one for Humanity.
It's understandable that DarkStar and her brood would accept DarkSky based on their senses, however I'm kinda surprised that WIC would take her at face value. While they might not do much different since they don't want to unnecessarily antagonize a being of her power, that doesn't mean they should trust anything about her just because DarkStar does... looking at her as a diplomatic possibility feels premature.

[Sunshine Temple]

She doesn't think she's possessed, she's bullshitting to avoid responsibility for what she did, and how she felt. She doesn't want that to have been her, so she seeks out alternate explanations.

Exactly correct. Usagi is in denial at this moment. and possesion is an out.

Assembly's most likely, but... Usagi pretty much slaughtered the Path's upper command structure there.

And it's not like the Path was a large enough organization to have redundancy.

Well, demons not having any way of bringing people back from the dead would do it...
Wasn't so much a matter of 'want' to trust her, as it was 'she's the only option for that result'.

Indeed.
Comments from Alathon
The Path of the Will conflict was interesting, but I can't help but feel that a group like that should have been capable of more. If they're smart enough to successfully research Silver Millenium energy manipulation techniques, and sufficiently ruthless to kill random shoppers to draw out the Silver Demon, they really should have had something better than shotguns to deal with her. High explosives and neurotoxins spring to mind, and both of these can be acquired readily enough by an organization such as the Path of the Will.
[That book did fall into their lap. And ruthlessness doesn't always imply having more competence and logistics.
"Eh, they're your kills." was a great line.
[Thanks.
I was glad to see Usagi taken to task for her general whininess over killing people who were killing other people just for the opportunity to try to kill her.
[yup, Ranma doesn't like that kind of whinning
The 'Hotaru sharpening her glaive' scene was amusing... and Usa's dialog was interesting, since it hints that either she knew all along what was going down in the present, or is changing to remember something different than she used to. Though we haven't really seen enough of her to know that.
[thanks. there is something going on
Hotaru choosing to describe Usagi as Usa's mother was odd.. in fact, her entire mode of speech in that sentence felt off.
[Yah don't say.
Reading the Genma/Soun/Drake scene, I finally put my figure on something that's been bothering me for a while... there isn't a single genuinely good man in this entire story. The closest we get are the WIC stiffs, who are on the right side but are not terribly moral... and the rest are either lousy human beings or enemies. I'm not sure that this is actually a flaw in the story, but it does irk me a bit, when juxtaposed with all the motherhood worship.
[How many genuinely good women are there?
[There is Drake. Who is flawed but did support Nariko from day one.
Metroid, I think what Stillwater is saying is that they don't have to worry about being the good guy. Their organization is not founded on moral principles, but rather around the survival of the Human race, which is not an inherently moral goal, just an overriding one for Humanity.
[That's correct. If they do have a moral code it is a pragmatic one.
It's understandable that DarkStar and her brood would accept DarkSky based on their senses, however I'm kinda surprised that WIC would take her at face value. While they might not do much different since they don't want to unnecessarily antagonize a being of her power, that doesn't mean they should trust anything about her just because DarkStar does... looking at her as a diplomatic possibility feels premature.
[Hmm was confusion here. WIC does not feel the possibility of diplomatic relations with her. As you say it's quite premature. But to not antagonize her they act diplomatically around her.
Metro
I believe no comma should be there, unless you're giving her (kodachi) a first name in that sentence.
[yeah that seems right.
Is Nariko maturing a little bit, or is that just me?
[heh character development.
Hmm, nice to see some of the same rivalry of Kodachi and Nariko....it makes the story that much more real, or relatable to canon for those who otherwise might get turned off.
[yah Alathon said the same thing
[Well Kodachi not being contrarians and having a rivalry with her sibling seemed wrong.
Hmm, I know Kasumi's done it before, but is there a reason for her calling Ranma "Red"? It seems a little derogatory....
[Not intended to be derogatory.
[And Ranma's hair is quite red.
I like the fact that Mercury's remaining calm throughout all of this, trying to keep the book of prophecies safe, and also attempting to defuse the situation.....
[yup. You can count on Ami to be level-headed.
Interesting point on the whole Crystal Tokyo aspirations, but I think Usagi wasn't finished talking after she said "never". Perhaps a HAVE or a WILL......
[maybe more of a "I'd never"
The whole scene with Ranma and Usagi's shock is very well done, and Ranma's memories definitely help, at least to some degree....interesting to bring back the DarkStar aspect, as it made me wonder how she got reincarnated in the same time period as the Senshi in the first place......
[Serenity did one reincarnation spell. She just added DarkStar to the other (much more recently) dead Senshi
Also nice to know that Ami, the realist, is losing a little of her blind faith in magic.....
And the Senshi FINALLY admitting this was over their heads is good, because now they'll be a little better prepared for it.....(hopefully)
[yup, good thing Ami's there to help
Pure Ranma in that sentence.....
[thanks ^_^
Interesting section. My eyebrow raised as I read the beginning. Kasumi's still testing Ranma after all this time....either she's warming to Ranma, or is merely testing to make sure she isn't going berserk.....
[could be both ;p
I wonder just how big BlackSky's brood is......Nice to know the Company's remaining reasonable about things....
[there were some indications about the amount of territory she holds
[there's also her age.
A potential concern is with BlackSky's potential Mary Sue-ness......I know she hasn't fought at all, but if she's got several more times more power than Ranma, she's got to be approached carefully, or have Ranma and the scouts go to Eternal, (or beyond that) form. You're probably aware of this, but I thought it might be wise to be put out there.
[of course I now. But "several times" there is the issue of age. BlackSky was the queen of an invading demonic army thousands of years ago. And she's stayed alive this whole time.
Hmm, didn't see this one coming. Obviously, it could make Ranma much weaker, the exception being if the magical energy replenishes itself, but either way, it's not likely to be an overnight thing.....
[Really? The brood does nurse energy from Ranma.
Hmm, quite a bit of plot revelations revealed over a meal.......certainly a different tactic than most fics.....a little odd, but I like it.
[thanks. It seemed to fit with them
All in all, excellent chapter. Plot revelations are revealed, more secrets are brought to light, a nice blend to keep people interested and waiting for the next chapter.
[thanks ^_^
[I'm glad people are still interested with the plot that's unfolding.
Keep up the excellent work.
[Thank you
[And thanks to you three for the great C&C

[Atlan]

Pluto?" BlackSky smiled in recollection. "Yes, you did enjoy teasing the one from you day."

Do you mean your day?
Nice. Uspecially the scene with Usagi and Ranma in the shower.
I like the overall feel of this chapter. Starts off with the senshi adusting to the fact that humans can be monsters (and taking it with the shock of someone dropped into antartic water), and finishes off all warm and fuzzy.
Blacksky was intersting. It was nice to see what a non retarded demon is truly like.
And I'm still scratching my head. Ami and Janet? The coupple of paragraphs they had in the last chapter were ambigus. I HAD thought they were lovers, then that paragraph. I was wondering if they were in agreement with the assembly on the whole "Demons are evil, no matter what, so kill Darkstar" thing. Then this chapter, and I go back to thinking they're lovers. So confusing. Good work.
Overall- awesome.

[Metroidvania]

[Really? The brood does nurse energy from Ranma.

Well, what I meant was that the power level needed to become a Senshi shouldn't be able to be achieved in a day, or even a couple.......I know they nurse energy, but how much is needed for a permanent transformation to be available? Especially if all five broodlings want to be Senshi?

Exactly correct. Usagi is in denial at this moment. and possesion is an out.

I knew posession was probably a cop-out, but it just seemed a little.....off for Usagi's character to assume that so quickly. She's in shock, though......I just wanted to make sure that was the reason.....(shrug)

[Sunshine Temple]

Pluto?" BlackSky smiled in recollection. "Yes, you did enjoy teasing the one from you day."
Do you mean your day?

Yes, yes I did. I'll put that correction in when I get home from work.

Nice. Uspecially the scene with Usagi and Ranma in the shower.
I like the overall feel of this chapter. Starts off with the senshi adusting to the fact that humans can be monsters (and taking it with the shock of someone dropped into antartic water), and finishes off all warm and fuzzy.
Blacksky was intersting. It was nice to see what a non retarded demon is truly like.

Very good. Was what I was aiming for.

And I'm still scratching my head. Ami and Janet? The coupple of paragraphs they had in the last chapter were ambigus. I HAD thought they were lovers, then that paragraph. I was wondering if they were in agreement with the assembly on the whole "Demons are evil, no matter what, so kill Darkstar" thing. Then this chapter, and I go back to thinking they're lovers. So confusing. Good work.
Overall- awesome.

Heh. Good. I want you guys to puzzle over parts of this story.

Well, what I meant was that the power level needed to become a Senshi shouldn't be able to be achieved in a day, or even a couple.......I know they nurse energy, but how much is needed for a permanent transformation to be available? Especially if all five broodlings want to be Senshi?

Yes, that goes without saying. It is something that will take time
Though many of the Senshi requirements they could easilly fake already.

[Hazard]

Though many of the Senshi requirements they could easilly fake already.

Like being young beautiful women? Having some form of magical power? Apparent immortality? The Fuku?
The only thing they don't have and would have to fake is a connection to a celestial body, that goes deeper than the name if fannon is anything to go by.
I think if they wanted they could put the Senshi out of bussiness on their turf. It will be amusing to see if the Daughters of Darkstar actually get any rank higher than field operative, a demon hunting mercenary corporation that has vowed to protect mankind run by demons? Well, that is an interesting thought, many a man would allow the ladies if they made use of their nature, anything.
Will there be any WIC personell that would be more inline with what one might expect of a demon hunting human? A racist fool with a foolish grudge for demons? Or do you have that covered with the Church of Man and other similar groupings?
I suppose this is simple and idle fishing for a few plot hints, I rather doubt you'll tell me anything.
On to BlackSky, I can say only one thing, she's very laid back and I suspect she'll remain so until you threaten her family, when you do that you're pretty much dead.
I rather doubth Clan BlackSky could convert a full strength Roman Legion, especially if it was a Legion from the hey days of the Roman Empire, without casualties.
You see, Roman Legions consisted of six thousend fighting men then, and during the empire it was usual to pair legions up, as well as assign an equal number of Auxilia, basically fighters from Rome's subjugated and turned to ally enemies.
Not counting camp followers that would be twentyfour thousend men, half of wich are with great certainty well trained in close combat.
Heh, a demonic form of Latin, the Catholic Church will have a stroke at that insult to the Church's official and afficially only language. I can see a crusade being formed if the Church finds out...

[Sunshine Temple]

Like being young beautiful women? Having some form of magical power? Apparent immortality? The Fuku?
The only thing they don't have and would have to fake is a connection to a celestial body, that goes deeper than the name if fannon is anything to go by.

Indeed. Though the parental thing is an issue. What planet is Chibi-Usa bonded to afterall.

I think if they wanted they could put the Senshi out of bussiness on their turf. It will be amusing to see if the Daughters of Darkstar actually get any rank higher than field operative, a demon hunting mercenary corporation that has vowed to protect mankind run by demons? Well, that is an interesting thought, many a man would allow the ladies if they made use of their nature, anything.

The brood is quite good.
As for WIC, Jacob has said that other NH's have worked for them.

Will there be any WIC personell that would be more inline with what one might expect of a demon hunting human? A racist fool with a foolish grudge for demons? Or do you have that covered with the Church of Man and other similar groupings?

Well, there was that traitor that fed information to the Assembly of Man and other groups. Read that section and look at his reasons for doing what he did.

I suppose this is simple and idle fishing for a few plot hints, I rather doubt you'll tell me anything.

Heh

On to BlackSky, I can say only one thing, she's very laid back and I suspect she'll remain so until you threaten her family, when you do that you're pretty much dead.

She's very experienced, and doesn't have much to prove.

I rather doubth Clan BlackSky could convert a full strength Roman Legion, especially if it was a Legion from the hey days of the Roman Empire, without casualties.
You see, Roman Legions consisted of six thousend fighting men then, and during the empire it was usual to pair legions up, as well as assign an equal number of Auxilia, basically fighters from Rome's subjugated and turned to ally enemies.
Not counting camp followers that would be twentyfour thousend men, half of wich are with great certainty well trained in close combat.

BlackSky never said there weren't losses on her side.
And yes, they were quite skilled, part of why B;ackSky took them.
There's also what that says about BlackSky that she was able to do this.
Also check the chapter and see how many legions Vephar had ;p

Heh, a demonic form of Latin, the Catholic Church will have a stroke at that insult to the Church's official and afficially only language. I can see a crusade being formed if the Church finds out...

Eh, I haven't shown how the Holy See works in Return.

[Hazard]

I just reread the passages on the conversion of the Roman Legion, and I believe I can tell you a bit more about Roman engineering and statecraft.
To put it quite simply there was never such a thing as Roman engineering, whatever construction styles they used they stole from the Greeks, or the Etruscans, of which the latter did the same as the Romans did.
The Romans also were never great thinkers in any form of the word, philosophy and knowledge growth pretty much stagnated or recessed across the board once the Mediterranean learning centers were conquered. That's not to say there wasn't any progress, but it was rather slow.
That said however, Romans knew how to outfit and organise an army, though their tactics were essentially crap.
But back on the outfitting and organising: If it could be standardised it was standardised, including the plans for the army camps, wether a legionary was stationed in the far reaches of Britain or Egypt didn't matter, he'd find his way.
Romans also knew how to count, and there are records that they send people on at the time very time consuming tasks like mapping out how much hectares the Iberic Peninsula now exactly is. That, combined with the understanding that a large empire needs a large network of welkept roads and that cities need excellent supplies of fresh water and quick and efficient disposal of waste are Rome's greatest gifts to Man.
Also, you said that while it was BlackSky's clan that converted the Romans, Alexia was never mentioned explicatly in that passage. You have me a bit confused here. And it was quite possible there were no losses, very small chance but possible, just fight a war of attrition converting a cohort or 2 at a time. They are succubae and the men most likely without their wives or any other company for more than a year.
On Ranma receiving that book of hers, knowing Succubae, it's probably both.
The chances of Succubae not being photogenic would be rather slim I suppose, but that might be the hormones talking.
True, you didn't show us how the Holy See works, but it's the kind of nutty thinking I can see fanatics do... whatever you call it, a war to exterminate or bring a very permanent end to a religion or a people or whatever it is you want out of the world, I believe is genocide. And the Church may have swept it under the rug but it has tried, and in atleast two cases I know of succeeded in doing just that.

[Fafhrd]

Overall I enjoyed this chapter, there were some interesting twists.
I did think the sections with Kodachi were lacking somewhat, mainly in that there wasn't a conclusion to it. Will there be more with her later?
Nariko seems to be developing into a more interesting character than earlier chapters indicated was possible.
Blacksky was an interesting twist as well. I also liked the additional information on Ranma's past.
I also noticed this:
"All I did was make ensure the best mother would win."
make sure
"Nariko... your sister is on leave and would you like to see her?"
better as "Nariko... your sister is on leave, would you like to see her?"

"Ranma should have expected this. She remembered another introverted succubus that got out of her shell... when around the right personalities."
such as maybe Darkstar around Puu?
I have more, but for some reason I have to cut it short to get it to actually preview/post

[Fafhrd]

this didnt sound right:
"She's also not under 5 feet tall, nor is the younger sister. Of course she was also not a succubus either."
nor is SHE the younger sister
works better for me, the original way seemed awkward, it is probably correct either way
"And are you the amoral grifter who would take the fillings form a dead man?"
fillings FROM a dead man
"Can't. Her mom is over."
not sure there was enough around this for me to know why Ami can't see Janet when her Mom is over. For instance, why would Janet's Mom be 'over' as opposed to living there. I feel this needs a little explanation
"They want me. I'll draw their attention while Jupiter, Venus, and Ami rescue the hostages."
I would think it would be Jupiter, Venus, and MERCURY